Elderly mother losing the plot

[noneshallsleep2]

My mum is in her 80s and is gradually getting more and more confused. She is fiercely independent and any suggestion she might move into a home is rebuffed out of hand. She wants to stay in her current home until she dies (she says).

I live about 300 miles away, so can't monitor on a day to day basis, but she is eating and taking her medications when she should.

I don't know if I should be pushing harder for her to get more help at home, or should be pushing harder for her to go into a home. I know she'd hate both, but I want to do the best by her I can. (Me moving to live closer to her, or her moving closer to me, aren't really options.)

Has anyone been through this and able to offer the benefit of their experience?

If she can afford to buy in care, then that is the best option to let her stay at home. My parents have lovely carers (non agency) and a cleaner who cares (ie, she primarily cleans, but also makes tea, checks whats in the fridge, sorts laundry and reports to their carer if theres an issue) - and thats what keeps them at home. If they had agency carers (who have been brilliant, don't get me wrong), then they would be fed, given drinks, helped to bathe etc, but there would be no one to intervene in dad buying 4 pints of milk a day everyday when they drink 1 pt, or to sort through their wardrobes, or dispatch them to the hairdresser with 'carer who takes mum out' when they look scruffy.

You do need to get things in place as well - power of attorney is vital when you care at a distance. Get all her bills on direct debit, and if she'll consent, get added to her bank account so you can check money going out. Does she have a telecare button and a keysafe? Both of those have made life hugely easier for us.
I care for my parents from a distance, and I do internet shopping for them which means dad doesn't worry about trying to buy things, and I do online grocery shops for the things he can't fit into a mobility scooter basket.

Theres a long running support thread in Elderly Parents which you might like to join as well

That's really helpful - thank you. I'll have a look at the other thread.

Also if she is becoming more confused have you thought about asking her GP for a referral to the Memory Clinic? Would be useful I think - my mum has just been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment and getting a diagnosis has been a relief for all of us - she actually doing better now she knows whats wrong with her and we're all a lot more patient with her and know what strategies to use to help her.

I know that you are coming for a place of love and caring, but you are going to have let your mum make these decisions. Doctors and elderly care services will not intervene unless, the elderly person ask for help or some crisis forces their hand.

I have been on the other thread for years, as have many posters. It is more use than all the Agencies for getting practical advice.