My bum hole hurts :(

[Dukketeater]

I done a small poo earlier and somehow it has made my bum really hurt. It stings even when I am sitting or laying down and it feels like I am constantly pushing.
How can I make it feel better? I want to cry it hurts so bad. It wasn't even a big poo so how it has happened I don't know.
This is a genuine question.

Bum grape?

I don't think so unless it is inside because no sign with a mirror and no blood. I can't have a feel inside, i'd die from the pain!

Sounds like a fissure. Do you have some sudocreme or even vaseline? Either works quite well for me when I am suffering.

Bum grapes can do that though, unless Yvette has found a new home?

Yep have that, do I just put it on the ring?

Yvette

What's Yvette?

Yvette is the name give to a mumsnetters tape worm that she very kindly shared pictures of. Including the poo

Get one of those arse torpedoes and whap it up.

Oh dear god! I hope it isn't a tape worm!

It hurts so bad I can't bear the thought of getting up to go find the vaseline

Definitely pileage.

Get yourself some spray/cream from the chemist.

Yes just put a load of it on. Putting it in the fridge first also helps. ... I'm sure some people would be horrified by that idea but as someone who comes from a family of crohns disease suffers sometimes needs must!

Proctalgia fugax ? Not sinister but hurts more than labour