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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

Fostering with a young family

47 replies

Miltonglade · 16/03/2021 20:48

A friend of mine is very interested in fostering. She has a 5 year old and twin 3 year old children. She is a stay at home Mum and in her 50's. She is an energetic and very organised person whose is a great Mum and I think she would make a wonderful Foster Mum. Her husband is very hands on as well makes a great Dad. Would she be allowed to foster with a young family do you think?

OP posts:
Mjmoo · 22/03/2021 14:26

Hi!
I think it depends on the LA/IFA
Some will only accept applicants with biological children over a certain age, I would suggest that your friend contacts her local authority or agencies and make some enquiries, they should be happy to help.

I would just bare in mind that a lot of children in care have experienced trauma and likely to have behavioural issues, they will need a lot of your time and attention so it’s worth thinking about what impact that could have on your friends biological children.
I think it’s wonderful that your friend is considering fostering and I wish her all the best on her journey 😊

Original poster
Miltonglade · 23/03/2021 10:05

Mjmoo Thank you for your advice x

I wonder if any other Foster Carers on here have fostered with children of 5 and 3 ????

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HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 10:08

No matter how much energy she has, she will struggle to meet the high needs of both a foster child and her own small children. It wouldn't be fair to any of them.

Children aren't taken into care lightly and will need a lot of one-to-one attention, possibly hospital appointments, contact centre appointments, social worker appointments etc.

HollowTalk · 23/03/2021 10:08

She's in her 50s with 3 year old twins?

Twistered · 23/03/2021 10:14

It wouldn't be fair on anyone for her to be fostering right now. She won't have the time and energy needed to prioritize the needs of a child who will undoubtedly have some form of trauma.
Your friend could however volunteer as a befriender to a child in care depending on what services her LA have.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 23/03/2021 20:49

HollowTalk - I know that my friend's husband works at home and is very much available to help with the children as his work is not all time consuming. I wonder if she would have more time available and it would be in everyone's interest to wait until the twins were 5 years old and going to school and her eldest would be 7 years old.

My friend had her first child at 52 and her twins at 54 years old. She is very young in her way and fit and of course very active!

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Original poster
Miltonglade · 23/03/2021 20:51

I have heard that there are many foster carers in their 60's so I think she will be OK on that score. She really is a brilliant Mum and such a caring person.

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Original poster
Miltonglade · 23/03/2021 20:58

Twistered - Thank you for your advice - I know that her husband is a Befriender and has been for quite a few years to a boy in foster care. I will make that suggestion to her.

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Chimeraforce · 23/03/2021 21:09

I think they'd only place children younger than her birth children, for the wellbeing of her birth children.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 23/03/2021 21:16

Chimeraforce - I see - that being the case do you think they would still think her children at say 7 and 5 years were too young to have a younger foster child placed with the family?

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Twistered · 23/03/2021 21:33

Yes 5 and 7 probably still too young.

You're right there are some great foster carers in their 60's. All with their own children completely reared.

Some children in care have multiple placement breakdowns. Your friend although well meaning would likely struggle to provide what a Looked After Child needs and the competing needs of her own children. Thus placing a child with her has a high likelihood of breakdown. It just sounds like this isn't the right time.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 28/03/2021 21:18

Twistered - my friend got in touch with a top private agency and they said that they would consider them for long term fostering but the child would need to be older than their eldest child who is 5 years old and they would need a child to be at a different age with different needs to their own birth children.

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nevernotstruggling · 28/03/2021 21:24

@Miltonglade

Twistered - my friend got in touch with a top private agency and they said that they would consider them for long term fostering but the child would need to be older than their eldest child who is 5 years old and they would need a child to be at a different age with different needs to their own birth children.
This is accurate - my friend was approved when she had toddlers. She's been fostering 15 years now abs loves it. She generally has teenage girls.
TSBelliot · 28/03/2021 21:30

I would caution her to only accept children younger than her own. Realistically this would probably mean waiting a while. There are so many problems that can come from placements made in haste and these can very much be to the detriment of children in the house already. I wouldn't have any faith that a private agency or SS are open and honest about children they place. Mostly they may be but not always and knowing that is enough to make you realise you have to protect yourself in what you accept. Older children are protected from some of the most damaging, even if rare, consequences of difficult placements.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 28/03/2021 22:04

TSBelliot - thank you for your reply just curious why you think the placement would be made in haste? Why have you no faith that private or SS are open and honest about the children they place?

Also, I would have thought older children would be more aware and therefore more likely to be 'damaged' from the consequences of difficult placement?

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Bazoo23 · 28/03/2021 22:07

My mum began fostering when I was 6 and my brother was 9. This was 25 years ago now but it was never mentioned as being an issue.

picklemewalnuts · 28/03/2021 22:14

@Miltonglade

TSBelliot - thank you for your reply just curious why you think the placement would be made in haste? Why have you no faith that private or SS are open and honest about the children they place? Also, I would have thought older children would be more aware and therefore more likely to be 'damaged' from the consequences of difficult placement?
The placing authority are under immense pressure to place. They are supposed to take the safety of the existing family seriously but in practice that mustn't be relied on. A friend had a boy with serious sexual behaviours placed with her despite her existing female children- teen and pre teen- and it caused immense problems. Worse, they didn't remove him when asked and she ended up unable to be alone
picklemewalnuts · 28/03/2021 22:17

Sorry, the family ended up unable to be alone with the boy, essentially they went about in cohorts to protect themselves both from his behaviours and also allegations he might make. It was nightmarish.

Older teens can have very disturbing behaviours and attitudes that you would want to protect small children from. I fostered DC younger than my own so that I could be confident mine would always speak up about any worries they had.

OwlInAnOakTree · 28/03/2021 23:06

I started fostering when my son was 3. We had older children so I felt it worked for us because DS got all my attention in the day times whilst foster child was at school. But there were lots of evenings of bundling him into the car in pyjamas when FC needed taking somewhere. I took a break from fostering when he started school, intending to go back to it once he was settled in, but I never did. I didn't see how I could give him all the attention he needed after school whilst also giving a FC all that they needed. I'm a single parent though, of course easier to take two children to different after school clubs or whatever if there are two adults in the house. But that's my twopenneth re fostering with small children.

grumpyhetty · 28/03/2021 23:13

I fostered when my children were 6 and 5. Our FC was 9 when she arrived and stayed for 2.5 years - leaving to go back to her own family. She was a lovely girl but when she left, we stopped fostering as the changing dynamics was too disruptive for our own DC.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 29/03/2021 10:13

picklemewalnuts perhaps the happy medium is to foster a young child just a few years older than the birth children?

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Original poster
Miltonglade · 29/03/2021 10:21

Pickmewalnuts - your story seems to illustrate the need for foster parents to insist on reading all the information the agency has on a child before placement. Are you saying they deliberately withhold information or do you think in that case the foster parents were not insistent enough to gain the vital information. Though of course it is unforgiveable for the agency to put a child with sexualise behaviour with teenage girls knowingly. Is it all bad news out there are there some happy outcomes should I tell my friend not to bother as it will only bring misery on her family??

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Original poster
Miltonglade · 29/03/2021 10:31

grumpyhetty - thank you for your message - did you not consider fostering a long term foster child (obviously yours was pretty long term but one that would definitely stay until young adulthood to prevent this change in dynamic affecting your children?

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Allllchange · 29/03/2021 10:45

It depends on what type of fostering she is doing to how much information is available. If she is doing short term emergency foster care it tends to be a case of who is available to take a child within that age group and matching who would be best from that, although there may only be one available. Agency tend to only be used if either in house is not available or they have a child with very specific needs that they can only find an agency foster carer able to meet. Short term can mean anything from 1 night to over 2 years.

Long term foster care is a much more considered approach where the child is much more carefully matched with the family as the aim is for that child not to have to move again and for their long term needs to be met. It has to go to panel to be agreed as a long term placement.

It's certainly not an immediate no with the children she has but more of a how would the balance work. Potentially it could if her husband is very available and hands on. But they need to carefully consider the age and needs. I would say for them to go to an information session to find out more as, even if they decide they are not ready yet, they can look at what they would need to do to be able to foster in the future.

Original poster
Miltonglade · 29/03/2021 11:25

Alllchange thank you for your answer - do you know if some families do some respite care for example weekends first before having a long term foster placement to see how having other children in the family home impacts on their own children?

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