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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

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Original poster

11 year old unsure about fostering.

26 replies

6OfUsAndCounting · 15/10/2019 12:50

After going to a few information evenings and speaking to some social workers we have decided to formally start our application to foster in the spring. Our 11 is pretty unsure about it, though. Sometimes he says he's 50/50 and other times he just outright doesn't want us to foster.

I've spoken to him about his concerns a few times, and reassured him that we would would still spend 1 to 1 time with him, and could look at starting out with respite, but he says that he likes our family the way it is.

Has anyone else experienced similar? How would the assessing sw view this?

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/10/2019 12:58

I don’t see how you could guarantee your DC 1-2-1 when foster kids usually come with a whole range of physical / mental / emotional and learning issues. Your LEA would expect your focus to be on the foster children.

In your position I would wait until after my own child has moved out before fostering.

Clangus00 · 15/10/2019 12:59

I doubt you would be approved unless he fully supported you. I could be wrong though.

hairyheadphones · 15/10/2019 13:01

A foster child is likely to be very hard work, I would wait a few years if your 11 isn’t happy about it.

Spied · 15/10/2019 13:01

I don't think it would be fair on him and sure the SW wouldn't be happy for it all to progress any further either.

Anothernotherone · 15/10/2019 13:07

If he doesn't want you to foster you can't, essentially.

He's right, it will completely change his life.

My parents fostered and it was positive to neutral for me, but I was a lot older. It had a negative impact on my younger sibling.

You won't get the foster child/ren you expect - you think you're only going to be assigned respite singleton under 2s but you'll get an urgent call to take 8 and 6 year old siblings, and they'll still be with you 9 months later, then just when they've settled in and the rollercoaster of intense emotional turmoil settles into a routine and your 11 year old starts refering to them as his brothers they'll be returned to their parents...

Fostering is a brilliant thing to do, don't get me wrong, but if your 11 year old is unhappy about it don't do it while he's under 18. You will disrupt his life massively, and if he's not on board he will feel betrayed and that you don't have his back, which will make things impossible when the foster children need every ounce of your emotional energy and you need him to be understanding about taking a back seat for potentially months on end.

Original poster

6OfUsAndCounting · 15/10/2019 13:08

Sorry I just meant 1 to 1 at certain intervals. Like block out an afternoon a month and do things just me and him or just his dad and him while the foster child was with the other parent. Not constant 1 to 1.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

SamBeckettslastleap · 15/10/2019 13:11

I take it he is currently an only child?

Debbiecurtbag · 15/10/2019 13:20

My parents fostered when I was a child. I would say it worked well when the age gap was large. When we fostered children of similar age to myself and my sibling this was less successful.

Cassimin · 15/10/2019 19:53

There is no way I would consider fostering unless my children were 100% on board.
It just wouldn’t be fair.
You may only need to wait a couple of years. My youngest was 13 when we decided the time was right.
We have a 11 year old foster child who has been with us since they were 4.
We have spare rooms and could foster more children but they don’t want us to, so we won’t.

Spied · 15/10/2019 20:17

1-1 time with DS even once a week is nothing at all when essentially your ds is sharing his whole life with the foster child.
I'd seriously not try and persue it any further.

steppenmum · 15/10/2019 20:21

Not fair on him. Sorry. Wait a few years at least.

Crawley65 · 15/10/2019 20:24

If he is saying he’s unsure I would wait until he’s 18 plus. To go from being an only child to having to share your parents would be very hard.

Plus foster children will be coming to you with their own baggage and will take up lots of your time. 11 is a hard age to have such a change.

FinallyHere · 15/10/2019 20:25

In your position I would wait until after my own child has moved out before fostering.

thus ^

It is difficult to see how his life would be improved, or even stay the same, while you were providing respite care or fostering.

Going from being an only child to being guaranteed 121 time with one parent once a month is not, on the face of it, that great an option. Let's face it, there will be less of your time available to him. The foster children will tend to occupy your thoughts. DS will be expected to put up with sharing in the way siblings must. That easy feeling that you are there if he needs you will no longer be his reality.

Purpleartichoke · 15/10/2019 20:31

I’ve thought about fostering, but I just don’t think it would be fair to my 10yo. It would take away her stability, expose her to a world of abuse and neglect that right now she only understands in theory, and would risk letting her get attached to someone who inevitably has to leave.

I was a kid who should have ended up in foster care. I didn’t because my parents were solidly middle class professionals who presented a perfect image to the world and I kept my mouth shut because even as a child, I understood the foster system could be worse. I know my home would be a safe place for a foster child to land, but it is so much more complicated than just having a desire to help.

sunshine5997 · 19/10/2019 21:29

Many children in care crave a family environment. They are deprived of social, emotion and social skills I can't stress enough how valuable foster careers are.

Iggly · 19/10/2019 21:31

I was a foster child with foster parents who had their own children.

I didn’t like it at all - it was really difficult because I felt second best even though logically I knew it was obvious why.

2childrenandout · 19/10/2019 21:42

He's had you both for 11 years (if he's an only child) and then to go to sharing you with someone would be really hard. Even if it was a sibling. I know of 3 families who have fostered... 1 has had a child try to kill themselves, 1 that has headbutted and threatened to stab one of them and the other had been difficult but no major blow outs so far. Are you willing to put your child through that?

Northernsoullover · 19/10/2019 21:42

My friends fostered. They went through the entire process and they were promised that any children placed would be younger than their children Anyway as a pp mentioned they had a call from SS (or whoever arranges placements) begging for help. An older girl but not by much. The poor girl had been through so much but the impact it had on their family wasn't good. Especially their children. They started out with the best of intentions but received very little support once she had been placed and it became quite difficult to end the placement. Upsetting for everyone including the foster child who went through more upheaval.
That was their first and last attempt. If their own children had been much older or the placed child younger then I imagine that the outcome could have been quite different.
The couple weren't naive either. Both of their professions see them spending time with troubled youngsters. However in their existing family set up it was very very different. You can't walk away at end of shift and you can't protect your own children sufficiently.

spoonyJoe · 19/10/2019 21:50

My mum became a foster carer when I was a young adult and had boomeranged back to living with her for about a month and Barnado’s insisted on interviewing me about how I felt about it and whether I felt pushed out as the foster child was going to have ‘my’ bedroom when I went. I was working as a teacher at the time, I wasn’t a child!

Ginger1982 · 19/10/2019 22:05

I would have hated if my parents had done this. I totally get that it's a very kind thing to do and lots of kids would benefit but you need to put YOUR kid first, especially if you plan on fostering teens.

In my previous job I represented many foster parents accused of offences by their foster kids. 95% of the time the allegations were fabricated and nothing came of them but it was a very stressful time for everyone.

I really think if your son is, at best, 50:50 in favour then you need to put it on the back burner for now.

Milkstick · 19/10/2019 22:26

suddenlysibs.com I think they might be US based but could be useful.

Userwhatevernumber · 19/10/2019 22:37

As someone who’s parents fostered since I was also 11, I would say, please wait until he is 100% ready. It will impact him and change his life, it can even be more challenging than if you were having a mother baby, with the levels of needs and difficulties some children may have. You will he expected to always put the foster child’s needs first.

I had a positive experience of it in general, but there were times I really resented my parents fostering. Please don’t don’t do it until he is ready.

Perunatop · 19/10/2019 22:41

It would not be fair on your DS to foster. Please wait until he goes to uni/leaves home.

Grandadwasthatyou · 20/10/2019 22:39

Please listen to all the experienced foster Carers who have advised against it. I cannot stress enough how fostering children takes over your life. There is no room to give your own dc the attention they deserve because you are dealing with foster children with many issues who take up all of your time.
Your own child has expressed his wishes. You have your answer there.

CatCalledMushroom · 18/01/2020 00:12

Did you make a decision OP? As previous posters have advised, the reality is that it wouldn’t be fair or suitable to progress to becoming a fostering family unless your DS was fully on board, but I think early decision making really needs to consider what’s informing his thoughts regarding fostering and how much of an understanding he actually has. I do think that 11 is a challenging age due to inherent changes and transitions that children of this age go through but rather than imploring you to hold off on your fostering interest, I’d suggest supporting your son to best understand the reality and potential impact of fostering and making good use of your contact with any social workers/foster carers in doing this. The positives that you currently have are that your DS is engaging in meaningful discussions, speaking openly about his feelings, and is recognising some potential impact. Some children of this age wouldn’t appreciate the impact of fostering until they’re in the situation and would simply go along with it, or have a very unrealistic view of what fostering would be and focus solely on positives. The unfortunate reality of caring for children who have experienced trauma is often very different.

Fostering can be an incredibly positive experience for birth children (I speak as a birth child and professional) but the starting point is making sure that their voices are heard and concerns (whether they’re well founded or not) are fully addressed. You’re clearly taking his thoughts, feelings and wishes into consideration. If you’re passionate and feel that fostering is a positive option for your family then I’d suggest taking time and making good uses of resources to support your son’s understanding and decision making. Of course this could easily still end in him still not being in support of becoming a fostering family right now which would halt any potential assessment, but any good LA team or agency should be happy to support you to explore this and make the best decision for your family. Even if you don’t proceed immediately they should view this as an investment for the future.

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