Male/female friendships

[Comedycook]

Hi... thought I would post here as I believe this is a feminist issue and I fear I'll be torn to shreds in aibu

I'm of the belief that men who are interested in having a genuine friendship (with no ulterior motives) with women are very thin on the ground.

Many women, particularly younger ones, shout me down when I express this view. However, from my own experience, I believe lots of men who are friends with women are doing so on the off chance that they might be in with a chance one day. When I was younger, slim, pretty, single I had plenty of make friends. As a fatter, older, settled down mum , I have none. Funny that!

So I'll accept there will be totally platonic friendships between men and women, but I think these are few and far between and many women are incredibly naive about what male friends are really thinking.

Thoughts?

But my point is I don't believe most men will even spend enough time speaking to a woman they don't find attractive on the off chance they'll become friends. I just don't think most men care enough to invest their time in women they're not attracted to

The first part is a bit weird. Who spends time speaking to any stranger on the off chance they become friends? Unless you've just moved in to an an area and are actively trying to make friends, nobody does this.
On your last sentence, I disagree, as I've said. I'll take a different approach.
There are definitely men who will not waste time on women they judge to be not fuckable. Because they are not attractive or not available (ie. boyfriend or married).
There are men who think once you've had kids you're "ruined".
There are awful men out there for sure.
I also think there are lots of men (and women) in their 20s and 30s looking for partners, and I don't think there's much wrong with that, unless you are on the receiving end of unwanted attention.
I do think, as you get past your 30s and into 40s, men (and women) are less interested in the opposite sex for sexual reasons, not because they are not pretty, so much as they are already partnered.
I have found that many more men are interested in just being friends than at a younger age, so the opposite to your experience - more male friends as I've got older.

Apologies for the heteronormativity of the above, it's easier to write for me.

I just don't think most men care enough to invest their time in women they're not attracted to
Out of interest, does your DH have many female friends?

I think it really depends where you're talking to strangers. In a night club? Yeah it probably is based on wanting to pull, I think women in general are better at small talk so more likely to get chatting in the loos etc but its not in search of new friends still
If you're meeting through work or a shared interest I've never had men refuse to engage with me or refuse to be friendly. Friendships develop from that.

Men walking up to random women outside of an organised setting to befriend them? Yes I'd assume it's based on attraction but frankly i don't need randomers befriending me

@SleepingStandingUp

Yours and the ops experiences are perfectly valid *@YouShouldLeave*, its just that op doesn't seem to want to hear any contrary experiences.

It does seem to be something of a self fulfilling prophecy for so though. "Men don't talk to me because im unattractive so i dont want to talk to men and don't want to be friends with one. Oh look, see, no man is my friend. It must be sexual"

You’re oversimplifying this. How am i supposed to friends with someone who looks through/past me, won’t make eye contact, cuts me off, starts to talk to my friend instead? Also few times when the man has said ”i’m interested in your pretty friend”. All the fat ”jokes” etc. How (and why) would i want to bother getting to know men?

Don’t minimize what i’ve been through.

No one is saying.some men aren't total dicks or that it's ok to be treated like that. And yes I've been treated like that in a club/bar situation but never at work or doing hobbies etc

And saying you had this experience and I didn't doesn't minimise your experience, it acknowledges that there is more than one experience possible.

Who 'invests time' in becoming friends? I just chat to people. They chat to me. Over time, if we get on, we chat more and they become friends without even thinking about it. I'm sure it's the same for men. You can suggest they lean more to attractive women. I'd suggest that women lean more to attractive men too. But there are many facets to attraction (thankfully) so I don't think it's quite so clear cut as you make out.
And whilst I'd agree that it's more likely that a man will strike up a friendship with a relationship/sex in mind than a woman, I don't think the difference is especially large and I don't think it is even close to the majority of men.

Actually don't know why I bothered. According to the majority of posters on this thread, men all see women as intellectual equals and don't allow sexual attraction to get in the way of that. They all look completely beyond the superficial. How marvellous.

No one thinks there are NO men who behave that way.

There are also lots of women who see men mainly in terms of sexual attraction, or lack thereof.

Probably everyone realises that sometimes sexual attraction can make a friendship complicated.

That does not equate to most men only pretend to be interested in women to get in their pants.