desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Lela you are not alone, keep breathing, take it a minute at a time, phone the samaritans, talk to us, anything

Hi Lela how are you today? I have read a little more of this thread about your disappointment of being pregnant with a boy, it's hard for you to believe but that little baby will ignite love in you, that you never thought possible. I can see that maybe having a daughter you feel you may be able to recreate that mother daughter relationship you never had but you can have that same relationship if not more with your son. A child is not about the gender remove the pink tights or superhero tshirt they are individuals with their own personalities and having a daughter wouldn't necessarily be that person you wanted and the pressure on her to be would be unfair, so what I'm trying to say in a very disjointed way is that this child will love you more than anyone, he will depend on you for everything, you will be so needed so loved and as he grows up he will become your best friend well So my 4 year old ds keeps telling me! Stay strong please this is all so with it.

Worth it.....

My sister finally callled me and I told her I'm just so depressed its become unbearable ao at leat someone else knows. Felt kind of numb yesterday but didn't sleep well last night so struggling today.

Is it normal to feel THIS tired at 32 weeks pregnant? I feel as if all the blood has been sucked out of my body and it's a struggle to do anything, I feel about 90 years old. This may sound really naive but does this get better after the birth? (I know you don't sleep cos of the baby) but does the completely draining physical fatigue lift at all? Because right now I would not be physically capapble of looking after a child properly, I know I would just have to get on with it, but it does worry me.

I feel so sad that I'm like this. I really thought having a baby would make me so happy, someone to love and care for and just the relief of knowing I'm not infertile, which was always my biggest fear. Now I'm more unhappy than I've ever been and its so confusing, what has happened? Could this really be hormonal? I mean I knew I wanted a daughter but never realised how much the idea that my only child would be a boy would devastate me, could never have imagined being suicidal when pregnant.

dashing out, but yes, the last few weeks of pg are utterly, utterly exhausting. That does lift after the birth, and sleep does actually do its job when you get some after the baby is born. Hormones are always odd in pg - who knows how much of this is hormonal? More anon.

Just a thought, have you had your iron checked lately? It is normal to get very tired toasted the end but you can also become a bit anemic and iron tablets can help quite a bit if that's the case.

It does get better after the birth. Once you've physically recovered from the birth and regained a bit of strength your energy levels will continue to rise. Yes there's sleep disturbance from the baby but that's more of a sleepy tiredness rather than the sheer physical exhaustion of late pregnancy.

Thanks, thats reassuring to know.

Reached a new low mentally last night. My sister dropped round and sat there trying to pretend everything was normal. I spend my life doing that and something just went in my head and I told her I am starting to seriously think I should end my life after the birth so that my partner can meet someone else and they can be better for my child than a mother who is so unhappy and so gutted that they are a boy. Because it never gets any easier, I still want a daughter more than ever and just feel like a mad woman for not being able to come to terms with this and move on. If I can't be happy to be a mother and be mentally healthy enough to be good at it after all these years of longing to be one, then I don't feel my life is worth living, and its not fair on my child.

She was understandably very upset with me but part of me didn't care anymore as if I'd had any support, ie not been ignored throughout my pregnancy I don't think I'd be as bad a mess now. She doesn't deserve this but I can't keep lying for other people any more. That sounds very self indulgent I know but I'm at the end of my tether, I'm lost.

I shouldn't have done it, it does me no good and I feel horrific today. I suppose since childhood I've been waiting for just one person to put their arms round me and say it will be ok, I love you and we will get through this together. And what I've realised is that person should have been my mum at some stage, that is never ever going to happen now and as a grown woman with my own child coming I really need to stop craving this like a lost and lonely little girl because it's just too late.

Lelarose.please dont be too hard on your sister.For those of us who have never experienced what you are going through, its very difficult to understand how you feel, and to try and imagine it is not the same as actually going through it.My sister is bi-polar and i struggled to deal with that.Im sure your sister is as bewildered as i was and dosent really know how to cope with your situation.I am so sorry that you feel there is really no-one in RL to turn to,i can only repeat what i have said before that there are people on here who will help you along,especially the ones who have suffered something similar.You will get there eventually and hopefully one day you will look back to these dark days.and not be able to imagine feeling like you do now.

Lela, when are you seeing the psych again? You need to get post-natal support set up right now, and you need to tell him what you've told us. You need proper help and support to get through this. It abssolutely might change when you have the baby, and see his wee face, and the hormones change, but you need to have the security of knowing there is a support plan in place for you no matter what. Please phone the psych, and get a team on the case. You need to be looked after, and there are people there to do it.

Dear Lela,

Sorry I'm jumping in to your thread so late on, but I can't not respond to your very real dissapointment that your baby is not the daughter you wanted and that your depression is likely linked or magnifide, I haven't read this entire thread but I can see in many of your posts you mention the gender and I want to acknowledge this and that I understand.

I don't have CAT, so I apologise in advance to all those women who are reading this that don't understand this dissapointment but Lela how you feel is not uncommon, I would suggest you visit the Gender Dissapointment "forum here" you will be surrounded by women who feel like you and there is an Extreme Gender Dissapointment forum that you can apply to be part of, if anything you will find comfort and support that you are not alone and that like everyone here has said, once he arrives you will love him regardless...

I hope that helps and again apologise if I offend anyone in posting this link.

patpatshhhgotosleepbaby- thank you, I have already seen this forum many times. In fact, it was people on there that I first turned to when I developed this fear of having a boy and asked their advice, based on their experience of this as to whether I should find out my baby's gender now rather than at the birth, and the overwhelming majority said find out and deal with the disappointment now rather than later. Unfortunately, doing so hit me harder than I could ever have imagined and disappointment wasn't the word- I guess I had a kind of a breakdown. I was quite depressed before finding out the gender, but it was manangeable and I think finding out I was having a girl would have pulled me out of it, so it was a huge gamble that I lost badly.

I find that website really depressing as the people on it, some of them have been going through it for years, and keep having more babies until they get the gender they crave. I'm not going to be able to do that, and I think my mental health is on a different level- have not heard of anyone breaking down or needong to be on medication after discovering their baby's gender so thats another reason I don't feel like I fit in there.

I've spent most of today just lying in bed, my house is a tip which really gets me down but I've no energy to sort it. I feel like depression is in my blood, coming out of my pores, slowly suffocating me.

I can't face calling the psychiatrist but they know I'm at risk of pnd anyway.

Lela, would you reconsider telling roughly where you are? Even if just what area of the country you are in. There might be someone here who can offer you support in rl and stop you feeling so isolated...

Dear Lela
I so know what you mean about that site it can be depressing and uncomfortable... unfortunately if you read deeper you will see that most of these woman have issues from their past to want them to desire a certain gender (still birth, mmc, mother/daughter relationship...) I really hope the therapy and help you are receiving is touching on anything that could be triggering these feelings for you.

Believe me, this baby boy will put his arms around you and you'll know everything will be okay, it doesn't have to be your sister, your dp, your mother, that hug you crave is growing inside your belly. Please cherish the rest of your pregnancy... this is a beautiful time. Keep your chin up, everything will be okay.

Lela, I think you need some little victories right now. Have you had a shower and washed your hair? If you manage to do that, now, or in the morning, that's one in the eye for your depression. Let us know if you need help in making a plan, and you can check back in with us when you have an achievement, no matter how tiny.

I have done some stuff today to try and distract myself but now I'm just sat here wishing I wasn't pregnant.

Completely trapped is exactly how I feel. I love my partner very much but I don't know if I can handle having a baby with someone who is away from home so much. Especially bringing up a boy alone.

Thanks, I'm glad you understand that part of it.

What gets me is never being able to move on mentally with this. It's been months since I found out I was having a boy and I still haven't accepted it. I woke up this morning yet again in that moment before I opened my eyes thinking all this could have just been a bad dream. Then I think about how I could have damaged him by taking these drugs and that leads to beating myself up for finding out the sex when maybe I'd have been better off not knowing, and so it goes on. Day after day, week after week.

I should be looking forward to this new life beginning, but instead I feel like I am grieving. For all my hopes and dreams about what being pregnant would be like, for the daughter I'll never have, for the mother I've never had and for the sister I feel I have lost through all of this. I feel this horrible animosity from her now, I told her the other night I feel like she hates me sometimes because she can't understand (as I never would have) how I can't just be happy to be having a baby.

I want to move forward, my counsellor wants me to move forward, I need to because this is completely destroying me and making me dread the birth of my first child which should be happy and special. I have to start withdrawing from the drugs that help me sleep and it fills me with even more fear and dread. So sick of all this, literally sick and tired.

Moving forward takes time - and I have seen you move forwards loads in the previous 846 messges (you will need a new thread soon ). You have done so much hard work, but soming to terms with something big takes mire than a few short months in which you are also pregnant!!

Please be careful not to see in your sister something that you think you would feel if you were your own sister - ie hate/animosity/contempt for not being happy with a boy...

You are still very hard on yourself - you didn't ASK to feel like this and you are doing what you can to deal with it. You are not some sort of criminal and you are not going to feel like this forever - hang in there.

I'm so bloody angry, or at least I would be if I had the energy iyswim.

Was at last antenatal class today and at the end they were talking about which ppl knew the sex of their babies. I kept quiet as obviously I dread this subject ever being mentioned, but about 3 other girls knew they were having boys. So these smug bitches who are waiting for their lovely surprise start saying oh there's just no need to find out, its so much better if you don't. And the midwife then says, its like finding your xmas presents in advance and you know women always work so much harder and do better in labour when they don't know cos they're dying to find out, it just makes the whole experience so much better. I could see one of the younger girls who knew her baby's sex's face just fall, and I wanted to be physically sick and I thought what fucking right has that woman to tell us that?? I felt like it was rubbing huge amounts of salt into my wounds and even if it wasn't the cause of such bad depression with me I still thought it was outrageous to make insensitive comments about how that affects your labour to a group of first time mothers when you know some of them have found out.

Sorry I had to rant about that, get it off my chest and can't to anyone in RL.

I'm so glad those classes are over and I don't have to be around other pregnant women who are getting this all right when I have fucked it up so badly.

oh lela! you are right to be angry. If only she knew the hurt and damage that thoughtless comment caused

FWIW I found out the sex of my baby and in no way did it make me work less hard during labour - how ridiculous! And to say having a "surprise" makes the experience better. Thanks just total crap. It's different for everyone. There's as many different kinds of labours as there are different women.

And finding out was definitely the best decision for us.

Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

I wanted to find out because I knew I would be upset at having a boy and I didn't want to feel like that at my child's birth. Yes I feel it now, much more severely than I ever expected, but surely I am better this depressed now than when the baby is here.

I hate all this judgement about other people's decisions. It makes me want to go and live in the middle of nowhere without all the pregnancy/ childbirth/ baby care police. Dp wants to live in the middle of nowhere anyway, so he'd probably be quite glad to hear this.

One good thing is that a few weeks ago this incident would have had me in absolute pieces, whereas now I'm just pissed off. So I guess thats some progress eh.