desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

i am sorry, you seemed to want to get your feelings out in the open and discuss them.

i am sure you can find your info re homebirth via another channel

sorry for any distress

Oh lelarose. I don't know what to say. I have three boys and I love my boys but I am not at all offended by what you say. You need to stop this endless beating yourself up. Your post just makes me feel so, so sad for you. You acknowledge that there is something not right with your perspective and it seems knowing that makes you feel hundred times worse than you would otherwise. I feel so sad you are in so much pain about this.

lela, please don't feel like lulu is attacking, you, far from it, she is being really honest with you, and although we are all hear to support you, discussing ALL the options is something you should think about

You need to tell your DP about how you feel. Buy you wont.

You don't want a baby boy. However Adoption is in no way an option.

I think, I really and truly think, that when your baby comes, you will feel better. Maybe not though.

I know that you are in pain and stuck completely in this mindset, but it will improve.

Did you feel that you only wanted a girl before you got pregnant?

Lelarose stop kicking we ain't going nowhere. Lulumama was only picking up on the way you expressed yourself in your last post.

You haven't offended me and I doubt you've offended any of the others that have been posting on here.

You seem to be having a very bad day - doesn't mean it has to stay like this. You have been having better days and it doesn't get better all at once.

Nothing you can say Lela will stop me from trying to support you. Absolutely nothing.

I'm so sad that you feel so bad about it all right now but I appreciate your honesty about how you feel. I'm glad that you can be totally honest with your therapist as well without having to try and hide this to fit in with other people's expectations of how you should feel.

I think the homebirth idea is a good one and may help you focus on the birth in a more positive light, particularly if you have a supportive doula or midwife - and it is good news that there are no objections from your hospital.

And I appreciate that there is probably nothing that I can say that will make you feel better...but i really did feel as you do now - not as much antenatally but certainly after the birth. I didn't want to continue, I didn't want my baby and I wanted myself to just go away and never come back.

But, a year on I am so glad that I'm here and with my son. Because the way I felt then has no bearing on how I feel now.

I honestly didn't think it would be possible to love my son at all - but well, he is well loved now.

I don't know if any of this helps but if you can hold on to this and if it helps you get through another day then its worth it.

Keep on focusing on how you want your birth to be if that helps you.

Keep going, you can do this. If you were local (but I suspect you are not) I would love to pop by and see you if that would help in any way

Lela, much as you think what you've posted is horrible and think people will judge, I think that openly looking at and expressing these feelings is actually a good thing. At the beginning of this thread you couldn't bear to admit the slightest part of your feelings, and you've gradually opened up, to yourself as well as us, your deepest, darkest, most painful feelings.

You are not the only mother to have felt this way. It can, does, and will get better. But it's slow, painful, and full of ups and downs. Today is a down. A big deep down. But that's what it is. Another day will feel just that bit better. And you'll have your hand held throughout.

Absolutely...nodding in agreement with all the others.

Tbh its kinda what I figured you probably felt like - probably others thought the same. I think its quite understandable given you feel so strongly about having a girl, that you feel that way about having a boy. Its not really a shock and not something that would ever want to make me stop turn away.

And that's NOT at all because I think you're an awful person and I'd expect you to think that way. Quite the opposite - you've had a rough deal in life parent-wise, you're struggling at the moment, but sounds like you are a survivor (both before this incident - given from what I can piece together that your job sounds in a caring role and you have people relying on you, and a DP who loves you - and since with how you've opened up and are still here and not giving up) and are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your perspective of yourself and your thoughts is soooo absolute, so black and white and always so hard on yourself. And I've been through fertility issues and stressful pregancies (and have 2 boys!) and I still don't judge you for your views. Not one bit, really.

I guess it probably doesn't help us saying, you just don't know how you'll feel when the baby arrives, but its true. It might not be all violins and roses the minute he pops out, but your feelings could well change.

Gah....don't know if any of this helps. Just wish we could all give you a collective hug and make you feel a bit less alone.

I'm losing hope. I want to feel better so so much but I'm living in a nightmare with nowhere to turn.

today is a bad day. That is all it is. a bad day, tomorrow might be better. Sleep will come soon. You are not alone and we are all here with you, giving you what we can in support.

It is just a bad day.

Agree - lela - it's a dip. It's a bad day. It's nearly over.

Trouble with pregnancy is that is so blumming long, isn't it? I guess it must be scary thinking of the future as well though. So I can understand you feeling like there's nowhere to go and feel better. The others are right...this is a bad day. Has the counsellor suggested any coping strategies for what to do when it all feels really overwhelming?

I wonder if it would help at all just to break down each chunk of the day - take each hour by hour and kinda plan what you're doing. Give yourself a plan of action, a mindless plan of action. I don't know, might not work for you, but I sometimes find doing something, even something little and mindless/pointless gives relief from feeling/thinking about something.

Watching crap TV...always good one too. Maybe I'll have to look through the TV guide and we can watch something rubbish together -like anything Jordan or Peter-esque?!

I know there's this forum but have you tried to find any other forums what discuss gender issues in pregnancy specifically. Just wondering if it might help to discuss things with people who feel the same way - cos I reckon there's lots of people that feel the same way. They may not express it so much in real life, but would do in the anonymity of a forum specifically catering for it.

Sorry if I'm just blurting out unhelpful suggestions....

Hi Lelarose, sorry don't have time to read whole thread, posted at beginning but didn't realise had gone so far. Know u mentioned probs with sleeping/anxiety but are u on antidepressants? If not would say u really need to, if you are then you prob need to see doc/psych to increase dose or change to one that will work better. Please try not to dwell on the thoughts ur having, easier said than done, i know, but would say it is depression talking and not necessarily something u would feel if not v depressed. I'm not trying to deny your feelings but, as someone who has been severely depressed, hospitalised twice, i know that it can really mess with ur thoughts. Sorry if my post is not v relevant as i have missed so much of thread.

Hey, lela. Just checking in to say hi.

Not offended, think no less of you for having a down day, we are sticking with you.

Sounds like one of those days you can only survive and wait for it to be over.

Wish I knew you in RL to actually come and give you a proper hug.

BTW ToysRus might not be the place to find the lost loveable kids on the planet.

Hey lela, are you still about, i am away for the weekend and will not have interweb access, so just wanted to pop in.

Stick with us, please post. I care abut you, you are a good person.

Thinking of you and giving lots of support and love. xx

Just popping in to see how you're doing, please keep posting, nothing you say will get rid of any of us!

This may be an annonimous internet forum but the support you will get here is very real. You will get through this Lela, please don't loose hope.

You are a strong, intelligent and lovely person and we can all see that. The depression is serious messing with your thoughts and you deserve all the help available to you to get better. You might not be feeling that strong right now but we will hold your hand till you're better and beyond.

Lela are you still there? We are! You ok?

I'm really quite unwell. I'm sorry for my ranting, just so so down and scared.

Why that woman felt the need to tell me at nearly 30 weeks pregnant that I am too late for a termination I really dont know. And I'll just have him adopted shall I? She shouldn't have bloody commented without seeing the rest of the thread.

I am devastated by the way I feel. I want to want my child, I want to love my child, I want us all to be happy. I genuinely feel that pregnancy has sent me mad and its extremely hard to deal with.

I cant describe how scared I feel about giving birth. I am trying to keep it together in front of my dp as I'm scared for him to find out how mad i really am and I love him so much he'd be so upset. I have no family support. I wish I did know any of you in RL, just anyone who could understand or accept the way I feel and who has been as bad as this and got better.

Could a lot of ths really be hormonal like do I have any chance of getting better once the baby is born?

I think it is a combination of hormones and childhood damage that can be resolved through counselling. None of that will magically disappear as soon as the baby is born but something else will happen: Your ideas and theories about motherhood will turn into a real baby, flesh and blood, your face, your dps eyes, a sweet special smell you would recognise 20 miles off...You have no concept of that now as you haven't had a baby. I'm not being patronising - I didn't have a clue until 2.5 years ago. You worry a lot and think you can't love a boy but these little monsters have a way of bundling themselves into a parcel and dropping themselves bang in the middle of your life and your heart.

Does this sounds sickly sweet and unrealistic to you? Then think that this is in the context of an abusive childhood and lack of attachment/bonding as a child (me) and brain damage, intensive care and special needs (ds).

Just stick with us - you will get through.

Thank you. I don't think you are being patronising, willsurvive you are right I don't know what its like to actually have my own child.

beertricks don't tell me any more if you dont want to, and i know everyonbe is different but how did you get better?

I can't imagine ever feeling like myself again. I'm so overwhelmed byt the idea that I could ruin this baby's life, and selfishly my own.

yeah I'm kind of just trying to get through one hour at a time right now its so hard.

Sometimes i think I'm verging on psychosis. I've had depression before but nothing like this. Before it was only me I had to worry about. I feel like I'm not cut out to be a parent and kills me because its all I really wanted out of life, my own family.

Sorry, lela - I wanted to brief lulu first, get her to read the whole thread. I feel really bad that it's my idea that helped make you feel worse. It is because she hadn't read the thread, and I really, really wish she had, and hadn't posted in the way she did, as it really wasn't helpful at all. So sorry.

I really do think you will get better - despite everything you are NOT letting yourself go under, you are hanging on in there, you are protecting this wee boy and worrying about him, despite how you feel.

Birth seems so daunting before you've been through it, but it's a relatively short thing to get through, and your body takes control for you - it's still you, just a part of you that you're not terribly aware of beforehand. Are your obstretrics/MW team well aware of your current mental health status, and of your anxieties? Have you started hypnobirthing course yet?

Hi Lela,

You do believe that you'll get better, don't you? One way or another, sooner or later you are going to enjoy life again. I really hope you can believe that, even though it might seem impossible at times and there might be some tough stuff to get through first.

You say "I feel like I'm not cut out to be a parent", I know that's how you feel and no one but you is experiencing that right now, but everyone around you can see that you are cut out to be a parent, even if to start with you have to go through the motions and cope, that is going to be good enough. You are not your parents and you are not going to become then, you can beat it.

Sorry to hear it is just about getting through the hours today - watching Big Brother? DH has put The Blardy Ipcress File, (you're on the lap top so I might as well he says)