desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Lela,

Can't stop for long, at work, but what self indulgent post? You did really well to go to a party and cope with people's questions.

And someone at the party acknowledged that you have every good reason to find this pregnancy hard, as you are on your own a lot. Thinking back I was so utterly exhausted at times, it was a godsend to have DH to put some nourishment in front of me, never mind the anxiety that most people will naturally be having about the forthcoming life changing event.

You are not at all alone in not enjoying pregnancy (you are so hard on yourself). I think especially toward the end you will hear most mumstobe saying I've had enough now, I just the want the baby out. My SIL is on number three, loves her DS1&2 to bits. I asked her if she would be having any more and she looked at me like I was bonkers and "You must be joking, I'm never being pregnant again". And she is the biggest Earth Mother type going.

So it's perfectably acceptable to be you, and to be lonely and tired and fed up and down and it is not self pitying at all. Watch out for those "then what"s though. You'll end up miserable even when there's nothing to be miserable about, just in case something miserable might possibly happen at some point in the future, just so you're ready for it, and that is no way to live.

Must do some actual work now. Take care.

Lela - towards the end of pregnancy I think most women just want to have the baby to get the pregnancy over and done with!

Then what? Well, as poppy said, don't plan on the basis that things will be terrible - you don't know the effect that seeing and holding your baby will have on you. That said - if things are still feeling tough - don't panic. There will be plenty of people - including MNers! - around to support you and hold your hand, come what may.

Thanks. And for your advice on the childbirth stuff. Am going to look into possiblity of a homebirth.

I'm really trying to turn this whole experience into a positive, ie see having a boy as a reason to turn my life around by having therapy to deal with my past and my ways of thinking as much as I can before he comes along.

I still feel terrible about taking the drugs but I just couldnt live like that any more, I was suicidal on a daily basis. Just hope and pray that this is best for the baby.

Lela, I am sorry I have not been around, family things going on.

You sound really good. Really.

Homebirthing is a great option, i think there is a greater degree of control in your own home and a security in the familiar.

Back again. fwiw, I think taking the drugs is the right thing to do. Your baby needs you to be healthy, and to be healthy you need to be able to eat, sleep, go out for walks, function. And right now to do those things you need medication. And if your illness was elsewhere in your body, you would worry, but accept that it was necessary - that is just so much harder in the case of mental illness, even if rationally you know it's true.

I do think you and your son have the potential to be a great time, writing out a new future for yourselves - as you've said, he may be a catalyst for you changing your life, and you have so much to offer him, and are going to be such a wonderful mother.

A friend of mine who had bad PND with her first child ( so much so she swore she'd never have another) had a homebirth with her second (yup!) - she hadn't liked the hospital experience, and just raved about the homebirth. There are lots of possibilities to explore - look at the Birth choice website for more info about what's available in your area.

Hope you're now relaxing with some crap TV. I'm watching Don't Stop Believing. I'd like to say it's so bad it's good. But it really isn't...

How are you doing, lela?

I'm a bit down but better than I was thanks. Get very depressed still about not having a daughter and not looking forward to being the mother of a boy, it just really gets to me still. I feel like I'm just existing, numbed by the medication but never really happy.

I'm confused as to what to do about the birth. I'm going to ask the midwives about home birth when I'm at my antenatal class tomorrow, but if they say its not a good idea then do I just take their word for it? Don't have the confidence to trust my own decsiion on this. I also have no idea how to organise something like that and have no help and support from anyone here- I feel really alone with this. Just want to find a way to make it feel bearable and give him as peaceful a birth as possible after the terrible stressful pregnancy.

Thanks for getting back in touch, it helps with the isolation x

Lela try reading the UK Homebirth website - my story is on there too (my name starts with I) - it is full of info on homebirths.

Be prepared that a lot of mw and other professionals will say no to a home birth if there is anything at al unusual and that may include your psychological state. I don't see it as a problem.

Do you mind if I ask Lulumaman to come to this thread? She's a doula and very nice - she might give you some idea of what help (and cost) one would give.

That is a great idea habbibu.

FWIW, a friend has a private MW who assisted in her home-birth and it was amazing, honestly she describes it as "orgasmic". I have also had friends who have had MW assisted home-births with the NHS and they too have had very positive stories.

Well the irony is that I think homebirth may be a better option due to my psychological state, but its incredible how having depression lets people think they can take your ability to make your own decsions about helping yourself away from you.

I also really want a birth pool and if I could guarantee one in hospital it wouldn't seem so bad.

habbibu I'd love her advice but worried bout her seeing this thread and telling me I'm not well enough mentally or something.

Lela you don't know Lulumama!!! - besides the decision is yours alone.

Well, that's why I thought of lulu, because she's lovely, but also I thought I'd ask you first because I know you feel fragile. A doula wouldn't just be for a homebirth, anyway - if you went for a hosp or MLU option, a doula would be there to support you too. Let me put a call out for lulu.

Hi Lela

I've been away on my hols and returned so have not heard how you have been doing for a while.

If you are interested in a home birth my friend is having one very soon and has hired an independant midwife for around £150 a month for the duration of her pregnancy, and sees her midwife for all appointments rather than one appointed by a hospital.

She intends to have a waterbirth and am a little as it all sounds rather wonderful - almost romantic with dim lighting, candles and incense.

There is no harm in asking about it; obviously there are risks in every birth whether in hospital or at home, but if you get some informed advice based on your medical circumstances you can take everything into account.

Fwiw my friend had an emergency c section last time and knows that if something does not go as planned she will have to end up in hospital for herself and her baby's safety - but for her that is not the point. After the trauma of a difficult birth it has helped her enormously to get control back and plan it her way, and given her a positive goal to really focus on all the way through her pregnancy.

hth

well I trust you to do so if you really dont think she will judge me by reading this thread

no way, no judgement.

You are a good person lela.

Have put out a call for her - she was around earlier. Lela - you have been brave and honest. there's nowt to judge.

Am I not a bit late for all this as I only have 11 weeks max to go and I have only seen NHS midwives at hospital so far? No ones even talked to me about a birth plan or anything.

Not late at all x

no not late at all, in fact if i remember correctly you wont be discussing your birth plan unitl 32-34weeks maybe.

I say lulu on another thread. let me go and check.

Hi Lela,

If you can plan a birth that helps you look forward to it, it's worth doing. You can always have a back up plan. I could have written some of your posts myself today!

hi there

thanks for the heads up

I will have a read through and come back with hopefully some advice

Antenatal depression is even more taboo than post natal .. but it happens

bringing it out into the open is the bravest step and asking for help shows how strong you are

taking control as much as you can of the birth experience , having one to one support has categorically shown to improve outcomes in terms of the mother's birth experience and post natal health

have you looked for a local doula

www.nurturingbirth.co.uk

and www.doula.org.uk

both have a free register of doulas

i will read more and get back to this

got DCs off on school hols, so not as much uninterrupted MNing time !

x

Thanks I asked at the hospital about homebirth today and they said in theory no objections.

If you dont want to get back to me after reading this next post, I totally understand.

I am blackly depressed. I feel totally calm just incredibly unhappy, and if I wasn't carrying this child I dont know if I could go on. I've just been at my antenatal class, which was fine, but we say the labour rooms and its all just become too real now. I should never have got pregnant. I should not be having this child. I didn't realise til it was too late that I only wanted a girl. I see no future for myself with a male child. I was in ToysRUs afterwards it was full of little boys in football tops playing with guns. I'm sorry to gender stereotype but there is nothing about having a boy that I want any part of. I hate myself, I hate my feelings, I hate this situation and I am doing all I can to try and change it- I see a counsellor who is great and I am totally honest with her. I see a psychiatrist, and am on 2 types of drugs. And I still keep feeling worse and worse.

I just should not be having this child. I dont feel as if I even want them now. There I have said it, so you see I'm not a good person. I want this pregnancy to end but feel like the rest of my life is ruined. The notion of going through labour and childbirth just to face a future I cant stand the thought of is like a total living hell for me. The only thing that has kept me going the last couple of weeks is the notion that I may be able to try for a daughter after this but its just a dream. I may never conceive again, I may have another boy if I do and I'm not young enough to keep trying.

I want to apologise to all of you who have been supporting me here. You have been amazing and I would love so much to say I was better but I'm dead inside. Having a child was my life's ambition, honestly I never wanted anything else. Or so I thought. It wasn't a child it was a daughter. I hate that I feel this way I'm sickened and ashamed and it won't stop. I want everything to stop. I dont want to be pregnant anymore. I know people think this is trivial but I even hate boys names, I hate their toys, I hate their clothes, all of the nice things about preparing for my baby's birth are tainted for me with the knowledge that its a boy.

I am really really sorry. I'm offended by my own feelings so god knows what other people must think. I know I dont deserve any child now. I know only too well how many people long for one they can't have and dont care anbout gender. I never knew i was like this. I dont know who I am anymore. I cant go on but I have no choice. It doesn;t matter if I dont want to live, I have to. Even if they admit me to hospital and pump me full of more drugs they will not change my feelings so there is nowhere left for me to turn I just have to endure this. I'm sorry I really am.

ok, let's be blunt.

you're too far along to have a termination now

so you have to carry this child now

i don't know legally the situation with termination past the cut off if your mental health is this bad.

i don't think that a termination would help things, as the depression is clouding everything

if you feel like you absolutely cannot continue with this pregnancy, then you must confide in your caregivers immediately

i have a boy and a girl.

there is plenty to love with both genders.

forget about teh boy thing, you are having a baby, your baby.

why not discuss the option of adoption ?

what does your partner think/feel about this?

it is his child too. and he needs to have a say in things and the future

does he realise how bleak you are feeling?

you are not the first and not the last to feel so deeply and badly about being pregnant

but it is taboo, so you do feel isolated

your feelings are n oless worthy of being listened to and uou are no less worthy of help

you are ill and need support

There is now way I can have a termination or adoption so please dont talk to me about this. I understand you have been asked on this thread to do with the homebirth and I appreciate you are trying to be helpful but you are making me feel worse so please don't.

I dont expect any help from anyone else now having read the last 2 posts, so thanks everyone for trying to support me so far and again I'm so sorry.