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desperately depressed

999 replies

lelarose · 02/06/2010 21:34

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 30/07/2010 21:40

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Dalrymps · 30/07/2010 23:16

Still here checking in and reading as often as poss. Not posting much cause everyone else is giving such good advice. Keep talking lela, you will come through this hard as it is to imagine.

takingtheplunge · 31/07/2010 09:20

Haven't forgotten you Lela, just real lifew getting in the way...but been thinking a lot about you. Hang on in there, you're doing great.

xx

lelarose · 31/07/2010 09:22

Thank you all so much. Can't believe you've stuck with me, what an amazing group of people.

habbibu I don't want you to feel bad, you were only being kind and trying to help me. I was going to start a new thread before but was worried same thing would happen and someone reading it would not understand I don't want rid of my baby I want rid of my feelings. It did really upset me but I know I've not to take it personally, and it certainly wasn't your fault, you have been great.

Yes have started hypnobirthing and really glad I decided to do it. Midwives know I have anxiety as its written all over my pregnancy records.

All of you have been amazing. I'm not trying to rely on you for support or anything, I am trying all I can in RL, just thank you for not being appalled at me. I admitted to my best friend that I was depressed yesterday, but I can't bring myself to tell her why. The strain of keeping this in all the time is very hard to live with. And I'm so exhausted by it all its hard to carry on.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 31/07/2010 13:28

Lelarose I know I am hard to shock but you haven't come anywhere near shocking me with anything you've said so far. I have no reason at all not to stand by you until your baby is safely here.

As for psychosis - if you feel it please mention it to your doctor, but I haven't at any point felt that you were in any way disconnected from reality. No strange ideas, just painful feelings.

BeerTricksPotter · 31/07/2010 15:34

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daxibaby · 31/07/2010 17:46

Hi Lela
I've just caught up on your thread and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that things will work out for you.
This is a difficult situation that unfortunately won't come right in a day, but as others have said, just take small steps and lean on those people (in real life or on MN) that you can.

Have you looked into a Doula yet? What part of the country are you in?

Sending you a great big hug beautiful girl
xxx

zam72 · 31/07/2010 22:26

Good for you for telling your best friend a little of how you're feeling. I think it'll help just reaching out to people and talking about how you're feeling. I think it'll help not to bottle it up and internalise it all. Letting others in on things can lessen their hold on you and get others perspectives on it.

I know you're worried about what people will think, but honestly, we haven't judged and I think your close friends (and partner) in RL, who know you and know the good times, know maybe a bit of background can help. And us too....not trying at all to say you need to bugger off. But many pronged attack on how your feeling from as many different angles might be helpful. Even if its just, as you say letting your BF know that you're feeling depressed - she can look out for you and support you through that.

I was thinking about you today actually while playing with my wee men. I really think once your wee man is here you might still feel sad about not having a daughter, but I strongly suspect you will love him. I know it doesn't feel like that now. And it might not be instantaneous. But...hopefully the two things can become distinct in your mind and you can find some peace.

Anyway....hope the weekend's going not too bad. Is your DP at home?

lelarose · 02/08/2010 10:40

Yes my dp has been home and been fantastic. He will be such a lovely dad. I just feel awful because I'm so down and I can see how wearing it is for him at times, he can't understand why I'm not looking forward to the baby coming and I can't tell him.

At the weekend we went to a hypnobirthing class where you did this visualisation exercise about releasing your fears re the birth. I tried so hard to visualise being happy to give birth to a boy, but my mind kept changing the picture so it was a girl and I felt ecstatic. I find this extremely sad and quite distressing.

I'm in a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion and even though I tried to reach out to my best friend, she didnt respond, doesn't know what to say. I am going to have to come off my medication before the birth and the thought of getting even less sleep is terrifying. I am trying to take one day at a time I'm just so so depressed. The name thing is so upsetting too as we just cannot agree on a boys name and I'm going to have to call him something I'm not really happy with just to compromise which pisses me off even more. Sorry I am whining like a spoilt child here but its how I feel. Have to go to work this afternoon and dont even have energy to get dressed.

By the way, I have looked at forums specifically for people with this gender disappointment thing and they scare me as people continue to feel this obsessive desire for a daughter even after they have boys and deal with it by just having more babies or having very expensive treatments to ensure a girl next time. I can't stand to think of being like that I want to be happy and acceting of the child I get.

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Habbibu · 02/08/2010 15:34

Hi Lela,

I've just been musing a bit, but these are rather random thoughts, so feel free to roll your eyes at me:

One thing that will happen when the baby is born is that everyone will know it's a boy - this pressure of keeping your secret and feeling bad about it will be gone as soon as the baby is born. That might be something that helps - you can release some of the feelings of guilt and stress.

With a nappy on, all babies look very similar - obv, I know, but bear with me. Try to focus on what your baby's face will look like, and wee hands with tiny fingernails, little rosebud mouth, seashell eyes, etc. When ds was born he was like a smaller version of dd - they were so alike it amazed me, and I just remember stroking his tiny tiny hand, and just marvelling at the size of it. Just take the time to look at his face, his hands, his feet, and get to know him as a person, rather than A Boy, if you see what I mean.

Newborns often look like their fathers, I think, and so try to think about what your dp was like when he was little. You love him - maybe ask him for happy stories about when he was small - he'll enjoy telling them, and it may help create a better image of what this new person - not boy or girl, just new person, mixture of the pair of you - will be like.

It may be harder for your friend to know what to do than us - we only know you through this thread, and although you are patently a very likeable person, wwe've got no preconceptions of you to break down before accepting where you are now - that's much more difficult to do with RL friends. hard to say, but give her time, and blurt out to us.

One of the things I find annoying now I have a boy is the presumptions that people make about him - he's a shocking sleeper, god love him, and people all say "oh, it's because he's a boy" - which is such unbelievable nonsense - dd wasn't great for ages, and no-one had a gender-related comment for that. I was a terrible sleeper too, which is more likely the cause! My sister's two girls are much less alike than my ds and dd, and yet ds's characteristics, even those just like dd's, are ascribed to his gender.

Boys get tarred unfairly, I think, and since dd has been to playgroup, I've really reasssessed my ideas about boys - the 3 yos are so sweet and gentle, it's amazed me. They come up to ds and give him things, and stroke him - the girls are often much more rough!

I know that you aren't being silly aabout this, that the thoughts you have come unbidden, but I thought that just telling you my experiences might help give you a little bit of positivity to fix upon from time to time.

Why do you have to come off medication before the birth? How long beforehand will you have to stop? Some of the physical tiredness will absolutely be pregnancy-related, and that will ease. See if you can get your freezer filled up - maybe dp can help? - with food over the next few weeks, so there's always something handy to eat.

Names are tricky, partic. names for boys. what kind of names do you like? We may be able to come up with ones you haven't considered.

Habbibu · 02/08/2010 15:36

Also, when this thread fills up, you (or one of us) can just start one called lelathread or somesuch - people won't bother clicking on it if they haven't been involved, so you won't get non-readers piling in.

lelarose · 02/08/2010 18:57

Thanks habbibu thats all wonderful advice and I really appreciate you sharing all those very useful thoughts with me. You are right as well. I mean my partner is a lovely, kind man and if my baby is like him I will be so pleased. The funny thing is, that if you said to me that I could have daughter after this I would probably be ok about having a boy, I suppose I just feel like if I never have a daughter I will always be desperately sad about it, and there is a good chance I wont be able to have any more kids after this one.

I did do something a bit brave this morning. I told my dp that I am scared of having a boy because of stuff to do with my past he didn't know about as I've always tried to just cut myself off from half my family for my own sanity. I didn't tell him all about them but what I did he said didn't matter to him and that our new little family is going to be completely different so I don't have to worry about that.

I did spend time with my friends baby boy recently and he is gorgeous, just for being a podgy little baby, you are so right. I just hope I can get further past this whole stupid gender thing so I can give my son the best start in life I can. I'm wanting to come off the drugs before the birth because I don't want him born with all that shit in his wee system, and then have to withdraw from it.

Thanks again for your lovely posts x

OP posts:
lelarose · 02/08/2010 19:09

Oh and I would love to talk names with you, but bit paranoid this will somehow identify me in real life iyswim.

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thatsnotmymonkey · 02/08/2010 19:17

Hi Lela, I have been away this weekend and so have not been about. Sorry.

We

Habbibu · 02/08/2010 19:38

Oh, lela! You brave thing, you. Bloody well done. And I bet dp feels better as he will understand a bit about why you've been so down. I see what you mean about the ADs - you really do care about this wee boy, and I am full of admiration for you.

Your dp is right - this is your new little family, your new start. And what you said a while ago holds true - this boy is giving you the opportunity to deal with your past. You're having to face up to things which are very difficult, but once it's done, it loses its hold on you, and can't hurt you again.

I was talking to dd about what brave meant the other day, about how it wasn't about being fearless, but about being really scared of something but doing it anyway. And that's you, to a tee. You are giving this wee boy a wonderful gift - he will inherit your strength and courage, and your dp's kindness and gentleness. he's going to be some boy, lela.

How about you don't tell us specific names, but tell us roughly what kind of names you like (biblical, French, Gaelic, Welsh, bonkers) and we come up with lists for you to peruse? You don't have to tell us anything about what specific names you're using.

poppymouse · 02/08/2010 21:28

Hi Lela,

I'm happy for you today, I hope you can see you have taken some massive steps and that you are proud of yourself. I think it's a huge positive thing that you have given your partner an insight into your background and seen that he is still right beside you, and that you have told your friend you're depressed. It sounds like she didn't handle that as well as we all would have hoped but you have put her reaction in context and not taken it too badly.

Maybe the people who recover from gender disappointment when baby is born don't spend time on the gender disappointment website, they're busy with baby...? Some people on this thread have recovered.

I do get the feeling your position has softened or moved on a bit, maybe you don't realise it, but you do sound more positive towards you son. You're getting there, I know you have unbearable days but the good days get better, no? I was thinking of giving you a parable about my boy climbing his slide and keeping sliding back down, even bumping his wee head and having a cry, but we all know (apart from him) he will get to the top one day, but I thought it might sound a bit patronising, what do you think?

zam72 · 02/08/2010 22:02

Good for you Lela!

lelarose · 03/08/2010 11:33

Well, I just have to get better somehow. Cos if I don't I'm going to have a horrendous labour, his birth will be traumatic and I'll be a shit mother, therefore repeating the very cycle I want to avoid at all costs (no pressure then.

Good point about the ppl who get over the gender thing don't post on the website as they are probably just getting on with their lives. I get too scared reading about the rest of them, and if I said there how I was feeling, then they would probably say its not just a gender thing with me its also severe depression. And probably be right, as hard as that is for me to accept.

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tabouleh · 03/08/2010 11:34

lela - glad to see you are making steps forward and still posting here for support.

I came across a website calledperinatal mental health and I thought of you and wanted to share the link.

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/08/2010 11:52

Lela, I think you have turned a massive corner by telling your partner that you are scared about having a boy. I think that is HUGE. I am really proud of you and I think you are making such bug advances in becoming well. Truly.

Labour is full on whatever you do! but very few people would describe it as traunmatic because like you they are preparing themselves. They are setting themselves up to deal with labour just like you are. You are being so brave about it. I think you will avoid a traumatic labour because you are planning all these strategies to deal with it. Like Hypno birthing, and seeing if you can have a water birth. The only advice I feel I could pass on to you about labour is this- Don't be a hero. Ask for pain relief if you need/want it, take gas and air, don't be a martry to having a "natural birth". Your experience will be unique, but just let yourself be open to the choices that are out there for you IYSWIM.

I know you feel like if you start chatting names then you will ID yourself. I think this thread is pretty private now, I mean there are no newcomwers and everyone on here is your advocate and supporter.

Maybe you could just say "I like traditional/strong/hebrew/scottish/modern...type names" and we can list some. You wouldn't even have to comment on the ones we suggest.

you are doing so well.

lelarose · 03/08/2010 13:42

Thanks. My partner says that boys are closer to their mums and girls are to their dads- not sure I believe this as I always imagined being close to my daughter all through her life, but cannot imagine being close to, or even being able to tolerate a boy aged 10-20 to be perfectly honest. I just can't relate to them.

I quite (but not exclusively) like names that end in -ie or -ey as they go better with surname, and I don't like names that are too posh, biblical or too modern- see how fussy I am? I kind of wanted something more unusual but have realised its actually really hard to find good names that aren't popular, for obvious reasons.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement.

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Habbibu · 03/08/2010 14:07

Thing is, it's hard to imagine how you'll feel about your own child. Before I had children, I was really squeamish about breastfeeding, and could not imagine bfing a toddler - thought it was vile, tbh. But then I fed dd for 20 months! Because she was my baby, my tiny thing that grew, not a toddler that arrived fully formed, and that's how it happens.

When your boy is older he won't be some random teenager - he'll be still the same boy who squealed with delight when he saw you, fell asleep in your arms, came for plasters on a grazed knee, drew pictures for you in school - just bigger, and more able to help with the washing up.

Second not being a hero in labour - there are no points for having less pain relief. Do what you need to do. And pack treats!

OK. Let's think names - you don't have to say you like particular ones, just tell us which are in the right direction:

Alexei - love this!
Ashley
Finlay
Harvey
Riley
Timothy
Harley
Wylie - I knew one once, a voice coach, and he was fab.
Barney
Carey - apparently Gaelic for well-loved!
Corey
Davie

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/08/2010 16:09

Stanley
Freddie
Frankie
Harley
Marley

lelarose · 03/08/2010 17:07

Thanks- I like Finlay, and Riley, Marley is nice too.

Not doing too good this afternoon. Came home from work early as so exhausted it just disables me and I started feeling really negative and sick with fear of the future. I tried to lie down for a bit before I have to do stuff tonight and dp calls and we end up arguing because he's going to be away again til Friday (earlier he said til tomorrow and he'll be away again after weekend) and he says he's trying to be supportive and all he gets is negativity. Told him not to bother with me and hung up which I know is wrong but sometimes I think how I have protected him from so much of this, I try so hard to look and act ok around him and never let him know how bad I really feel and its not him stuck in this limbo, not wanting to be pregnant anymore but terrified of the baby coming.

All I want sometimes is for someone I know to just call up to ask how I'm doing (this never happens). Just to know that I'm not totally alone when he's not there. Everyone thinks that because I always wanted a baby I should have nothing to complain about or need support or even any interest shown in me. To be honest, I worried I was losing my fertility and getting pregnant seemed like an impossible dream before it happened. I had NO IDEA I would feel like this. Now its just a nightmare.

Its so very lonely feeling like this. I have lost the closeness I used to have with my sister since all this happened (she was my best friend) and I feel so removed from everyone else as I cant explain how I feel. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

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Habbibu · 03/08/2010 17:41

Oh, sweetheart. Can't atlk now - trying to kep the peace over lego, but didn't want you to think yoru post hadn't been seen. Will post more later. Hang on in there.