desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Thanks I do have that book, I just dont really have the concentration span to reasd it right now, but I will try.

Well the psych was ok. He said that he could see I was not alright and that I could have another nurse come visit me at home but after the last one I think not. Also suggested I could have psychotherapy in the future to deal with my past, but that it will take months to get an appointment. Said I'm willing to try anything. He said my baby doesnt have much of an increased risk of inheriting mental health problems from my side of the family (my mother and brothers make me look like the most mentally healthy individual you could ever meet and I really mean that), which is my biggest fear so that helped a bit.

He says that what is most clear about me and has been from the start is that what matters most to me is protecting my baby and that he doesn't know how I've "kept going" this long feeling the way I do. Deep down I was kind of hoping that he would say I could go into hospital (mother and baby unit) if I wanted, just to know I have somewhere if I get any worse but he never.

So, so tired of all this really I am.

It's really interesting that the psych, who has met you in person, sees exactly what we all do in you. You really are - though I know you can't see it now - an extraordinary woman, and you will be a good mother to your son. I know it's not the picture of motherhood you had, but what your son will see and know is a strong, caring, intelligent woman who is capable of overcoming huge obstacles, and who has a deep protective and caring instinct. lela - I know you don't believe this, but he's a lucky boy to have you as his mother.

You must be shattered. Is there anything you can do to relax? Anything you like to watch on TV, or something that might tempt you to eat?

Hi there, thanks thats a lovely thing to say. Well, to be honest, I'm in my pyjamas already and got my feet up watching a documentary about the 2 gay guys that made all these babies with egg donors, which is pretty sickening- not because they are gay but because they do stuff like put makeup and high heels on their 10 year old daughter and buy her a pony and a mink coat for her birthday- nice to feel there are wierder parents than me in the world at least haha.(I'm the least judgemental person you could meet btw, so please dont take that too serious anyone)

lela, it's just nice to hear you laugh! And oh my lord yes, there are many many weirder people and parents in the world than you.

can you just tell me something? Can you tell me that I will get through the birth of this baby even though right now I feel as if I dont even want it? Cos the whole thing just seems like a horror story to me right now.

Yes, you will. Because there really isn't any choice! And that's not meant to sound glib at all, it's just that events - including your body - just sort of take over. To me the trick is to just let your body do the thinking, rather than your head.

I'm not going to tell you it's fun - for some people it's easier than others. I had relatively straightforward births (with big, big babies) but it was painful, and not really fun (I don't want to lie to you) BUT my body just seemed to know what to do, and if you try not to fight what's happening, I do think that is key.

You will do it, you'll be out the other side, and you and this wee boy, made out of all the love you and dp have for each other, and carried and nurtured by you - despite all you're going through - will then find your path together, and work out how you're going to muddle through.

I meant to suggest something - why don't you post on your local MN pages, asking what there is for new mothers and babies in your area? I know that you don't want to reveal anything of your identity, so you could change your nickname to post there, so that no-one could make the link between this thread and that one. I thought it might be handy to have a list of ways to get out of the house once you've had the baby.

I will, I just cant get past this bit yet. How do i post using another username tho?

You have to log on to My Mumsnet - top of page - aand then click Registration details. Go down to chat nickname and enter a new one. To go back to this one you'll need to go through the same process, but once you've registered a nickname, it's yours.

If you stuff up and post using the wrong one on the wrong thread, report the post to MN by clicking the red ! on it, and they'll delete it.

Saw your thread on positive birth experiences - should have said that despite the fact that it did hurt (but bear in mind I didn't even has gas and air with dd - long story) it was fab, and I remember both - all three, in fact, even poor wee dd1's - very fondly and happily.

Hey Lela,

Yeah that programme was weird.

You are a amazing person, I am so impressed with you.

You will defo get through the birth, the body is the most amazing thing and that is what it is meant to do.

thanks habbibu I never realised you could do that.

thatsnotmymonkey I dont feel amazing at all, in fact I'm just going to go to my bed cos the fear is starting again.

At least I have a day off tomorrow. am really lonely at times but cant face seeing people as all they talk about is the baby.

Anyway goodnight and thanks, do keep in touch x

hope you get some sleep. Talk soon.

Hey,

You should be in bed by now I think but for tomorrow - I haven't posted for a bit as you have some fantastic people on the thread supporting and I couldn't really add to what was being said. I still can't really, except to add as someone who has followed the thread for a while that you have already proved you can overcome your past. Clearly you have a good job that you take a pride in and relationship that must be strong to have survived (even without what you have suffered, your partner is away a lot). And your partner sounds like a keeper too. You have a good home for your baby and you care about him. So you have overcome your past. I know it seems to be haunting you now but you are exhausted, anxious, hormonal and becoming a parent throws up a lot of stuff about your own parents so it is no wonder that for you it is incredibly hard right now.

I was birth phobic. No one can promise you a perfect labour. There are things you can do like swimming, yoga, hypno-birthing (if it works out helping you...). I recommend that Juju Sundin book again. I'd send it to you if you'd compromise your anonymity! You might have a good labour, if not your labour ward will be full to the rafters with well trained midwives, anaesthetists and consultants, and all sorts of kit to make sure you and baby come through. Have you visited the labour ward? I did, not with the class, on my own with an experienced midwife. Try to get that set up with your midwife. It did make me feel more relaxed, especially seeing people who had given birth a few hours before sitting up with their babies looking quite happy. I somehow thought they would look ill or something.

Anyway, I've waffled enough. One day you'll be telling us all how it went. I can't wait.

Love,

S

Ooh - and the tea and toast afterwards is the Best Food you have ever tasted.

There have been some weeeird arse programmes on tonight for sure. I watched a bit of Celeb 4 Weddings (seleb my arse....z list) and my don't let my step kids ruin my wedding (bizarre...and sad). Crap TV....got to love it really - does make you feel oh so boringly lovely and normal!

Yes...interesting about the psych appt - guess the psychotherapy appt would be NHS based which is why it'd take so long - any way they could recommend a private person. When I was looking it seemed that there were quite a few that would do it for what you could afford to pay - so if cost was an issue then maybe speaking to them they might do it cheaper anyway. Just a thought - then you might be able to get in quicker. Definitely think that your childhood issues are a crucial part of what's happening now. But completely agree with psych - I know you feel like you're not doing well, but just getting through each day and talking about it to us is a great step. Taking each day as it comes and coping best you can.

Anyway....hope you have a better night tonight and have nice calming dreams tonight. Take care lela...XX

Thanks guys, I mean it.

poppymouse I am doing hypnobirthing classes over the next few weeks with my partner (when he is here) and think it will help. I am also visiting the ward next week with my hospital ante natal class which i'm going to try to keep going to cos I believe it is better I have some idea what to expect, although it is hard with all the "normal" mothers to be.

I saw my cousellor today, I really like her a lot and asked if we could focus on my obsessive thoughts (I should be having a girl, I shouldn't have found out it was a boy, I can't cope with the rest of this pregnancy, and new in this week- birth will be horrific etc etc) as they are extremely exhausting to have going round and round my head all day every day and I'm at the point where I just can't do this anymore.

Am shattered today as not slept properly since dp went away again, but have just managed to clean my house so quite proud of that.

I am thinking of starting a new thread "help me cling on to some shred of sanity til my baby is safely in the world"- what do you say , are you with me? Seriously ladies, your support means the world to me, just don't give up on me x

Lela, we think you're fab, and will stick with you no matter what. Birth and beyond.

I'll be there too...

Hurrah for a clean house too!

Lela whether you stay on this thread or start a new one - I'm in. Not always much to offer but always here.

Oh and I've been thinking about you saying 'you all think I'm doing better but I'm not'

I thought like that - I thought I had made no progress because I was so aware of how much I was struggling. Then I told my close friend and he said 'I think you've forgotten how bad things were, when I never switched off my phone and was always so worried about you'. oops - yes I think I no longer have any idea how bad it was. Another friend admitted to me later that every time she came to find me on facebook and I wasn't there something bad would have happened.

Sweets no way are we giving up on you! Silly sausage. We're looking forward to hearing about the bonny boy. Careful now, the risk that once you get the birth fear out the way a new one will pop up to take it's place. Anyways, should I be looking for a new thread yet? Well done for cleaning the house. I haven't and I should and I'm not depressed or pregnant so where does that leave me? Tapping the lap top in front of the telly.

I hope the labour ward visit goes well. I felt much better after. It all seemed much more normal and do-able.

I am so with you! You are doing great. Really.

Can you come to my house, it is a tip?!

I hope you get some sleep tonight, will you see your DP this weekend?

I think you were really brave to speak to your counsellor like that, and I think it is HUGE that you were able to.

Wow!

Thank you all, the thought that you would stick with me til the birth is amazing!

Well, dp is still away but I am (once I can move my arse from this sofa) going to attempt to go to a party tonight. Just for a wee while. And cope with people asking me if I'm having a boy or a girl all night. I cant keep hiding away like my baby is something I'm not proud of.

Its a big thing for me to try and face people.

Hope you are all having a great weekend xxx

Oh, lela - hope it is going/went well, and that you have a nice time. Good on you for going.

Lela, we'll be around after the birth too, you know. Consider yourself well and truly Mumsnetted.

Well. I went. I coped with the inevitable boy/girl questions and lying about it all night, and people asking if I was excited, which I find heart breaking because I would be if I was waiting to meet my daughter, but as it is I'm not at all.

Read a thread on here about a girl who thinks her antenatal depression has damaged her child and it frightened the life out of me but I decided to listen to those of you who have told me your kids are fine despite your problems.

Find the medication is making me feel dead inside, which i guess is an improvement on feeling suicidal, but I just wish things weren't like this. A friend asked last night, how do you cope with (DP) being away while you're pregnant? It s the first time anyone's acknowledged this and it made me realise how hard it would be for anyone to be so alone in pregnancy. Sorry if that sounds self pitying, people have it much worse than me. I just miss him so so much.

Just want to feel positive, to have any kind of optimism about having my son. I only want the birth out of the way to put an end to this pregnancy and get it over with- but then what?

Sorry for such a self indulgent post.