desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I'm alone and scared.

oh lela

C'mon you have been doing so well lately.

no i havent. I'm so scared

Lela sorry for the language in advance but I'm f*cking irate at the friggin so and so who told you that your baby's lack of movement was connected to your stress - there is no shred of evidence that there is a link. Does baby feel your mood? Possibly. Does baby sit in your tummy cowering keeping quiet? No. Will you damage your unborn child by feeling sad? NO.

He's part of me though, he must be picking up on this. It was 2 separate midwives that said this. I'm crying my eyes out, which is actually better than the dead kind of depression I feel most of the time. I want my partner I miss him too much I only feel safe with him here. Sorry thanks for posting this is horrible.

Lela, they are WRONG. They are wrong wrong wrong and your son will not pop out of the womb all sad because you are ill. It is TOTALLY out of order that they have said this to you, when you are so vulnerable.

I think that you having this reaction is good in a way. You care. That is huge.

Lela my very little boy has seen his mummy sad quite often and I remember when he started to notice. He was about a year old when he could distinguish between laughing and crying and actually would try to comfort me when I was crying.

He wasn't in the womb...and he wasn't a newborn either.

meant to say my very HAPPY little boy

Oh for fuck's sake! I just wish some HCPs would think before they open their stupid mouths.

It's bollocks, lela. How on earth did they think they would help you by saying that? Lela - I spent my pg with dd talking to women who were panicky, stressed for all sorts of reasons, terrified, depressed, worried etc. Guess what? Their babies are fine.

fwiw, I've never been to an antenatal class in my life. Was too stressed with dd and didn't want to meet all these happy women. Birth was just fine.

Thank you you're a very kind person. I do care about him, of course i do, I just want to feel happy about having him in my life instead of just obsessively wishing he was a girl. I know you have said I need to accept my feelings, but its just impossible for me to accept carrying and giving birth to a boy when I feel like this so it just goes on and on. I'm at the end of my tether really.

The class today just scared me about giving birth- I just imagine losing the plot and getting really distressed and I feel like I've ruined it for myself also by knowing the baby's sex, because I want to be like those other women and my partner, waiting for a lovely surprise. Please dont tell me not to think that far ahead, I cant not think about it at this stage. I've never done this before so it is hugely frightening on top of everything else.

I want to go to bed but I'm too scared to be alone with my thoughts

DD has seen me very sad lots of times - I spent a lot of my pg with her in tears - crying all the way to work and back. She's a very happy wee soul. Too bloody happy and AWAKE atm.

Lela when I was pg with my DS1 it was a high risk pg (actually storm in a teacup in retrospect) but I was very, very stressed for the whole 9 months. I looked at the scientfic studies for stress in pregnancy and the outcomes on the baby (I'm a scientist) and one of the studies that stuck in my mind was of women who were pg at the time of the 9/11 terrorist attack and lived in the vicinity or had lost people - so their stress/sadness/depression/anxiety levels were very, very high. They found no detrimental effects on their babies. Maybe there are studies that show that stress can affect the babies movement levels - I don't know - but even so, it doesn't mean that there is a detrimental effect. Some babies are more active than others. Sometimes if you're distracted (or trying to block out the kicks cos they freak you out) you don't notice them either. Keep an eye on the kick count but don't stress too much over the midwives comments or let this be another reason for you to feel badly about yourself. There are lots and lots and lots of stressed/depressed people having perfectly healthy babies all over the place.

I think you have had a few dips out of the fog where you sound a little bit more positive - like when your friend rang out of the blue and maybe a week or so immediately after taking the tablets and sleeping a bit better. But I think you're really feeling very low again, aren't you? Any chance of reconnecting with that friend? And I wonder whether the tablets you're on need tweaking - changing dose or something? How're you sleeping? I know it was better, but has it got worse again recently? I know there was a post on mental health about exercise and depression - any chance that getting a routine of a nice gentle walk through the park or something every day to do something and kind let your brain have a break and just look at the world could be something you could try? When's your next counselling session - is it every week? How's work, have they calmed down with the pg questions - or are they still being quite full on?

As for antenatal classes they can be a bit sometimes if you're having a different pg experience from the others. I know I felt a bit alone and misunderstood when going to my NCT classes as my pg was filled with fear about my baby's health rather than the innocent delight of picking soothing music for your birth plan etc.

Hugs Lela...wish you were feeling a bit sunnier.

Lela, make yourself a hot milk with a drop of honey in it. If you like even have a small glass of red wine. I drank in pregnancy in moderation and everything was fine.

Then find yourslef a good book, an easy read. Go to bed with your hot drink and your easy book and try and go to sleep.

Going into labour and the thought of it can be scary, that is totally normal.

Sack off the antenatal classes, sounds like the negatives out weigh the positives for you. I have a thought though, maybe you could call the NCT and talk to them about labour and what to do. They are a CHARITY, so it should all be free if you need it to be free IYSWIM and they should be able to have a local person to you advise you on the phone.

I could call them for you and ask them if they would do that. You know give you some ante-natal support over the phone. Would you like me to do that?

Lela- this may sound stupid, but is there any comedy you really like that you could watch on DVD/iplayer/4OD, etc? When we got dd1's diagnosis we went and bought shedloads of comedy DVDs, just to not be in our heads for a while, and to be forced to laugh, even if just for a few minutes. It worked for us, in a really bad time, so I'm not trying to trivialise how you are feeling at all.

Thanks so much for caring, all of you. My dp just called there from his work, he was sounding tired and stressed so I just pretended to be ok tho I think he could tell I was crying.

I'm thinking I want to go off work soon. i have the kind of job that involves giving a lot of energy to other people and its getting too much for me. However, I dont want to be at home alone all day which is what will happen.

habbibu unfortuneately that friend is not very helpful, because I cant tell her about the gender thing plus she kind of lives in a different world from me and just makes unrealistic suggestions (hire a private maternity nurse when baby is born at cost of £3k etc) then gets all teacher talking to small child like with me when I'm upset which doesnt help.

If you havent been pregnant or had a difficult pregnancy I really think this is one of these things in life you just cant understand unless you've been there. Hence why this helps me sometimes, I can be honest and anonymous and ppl who have suffered too can make me think I'm not entirely alone.

I have to try and get some rest now. Please keep in touch x

sorry it was zam72 that asked about my friend, in case you wonder what I'm on about habbibu x

Course we will keep in touch.

Consider the NCT thing too x

And thank you thatsnotmymonkey thats very kind of you to offer xx

Make some plans for when you're off work, lela. be a local tourist - see places you've not got round to visiting, go for a swim, go to the cinema, buy trashy magazines and sit in coffee shops. Wear sunglasses so you don't have to make eye contact on bad days. just have plans to get out of the house. And when the baby comes, do the same - get out of the house, move about, get fresh air.

Will check in tomorrow, lela. Hope you get some sleep.

Hi Lela, really really hope you are ok. I was so stressed and depressed during pregnancy I had heart palpitations, panic attacks and cried every day, probably spent about 2/3 hours a day crying, maybe more. My DS is happy and active.

Please don't listen to that HCP - as other posters have said there is no evidence that stress/depression affects movement.

Again, hope you feel a bit better - other posters have said it better than me.

How many weeks are you now? About 28 is it? Any chance that you could reduce the number of hours or days worked or work from home a bit for a while to stave off maternity leave. I think you find work a bit of a distraction so that's a good thing and it is sometimes harder (but not impossible) to distract yourself when you're master of your own time at home. Just wondering whether reducing your current workload to a manageable 'gardening leave' type level would help to give you more time off to relieve the energy sapping aspect of work but still give you the mental escape aspect too? (Would have to check with your HR Dept how that'd affect your maternity entitlement though as sometimes its worked out on terms of employment/hours worked at the time you went on leave)

Had terrible nights sleep, intense violent nightmares all night.

I had a horrible chaotic and sometimes violent childhood. My sister and I survived and have gone on to lead semi normal lives, my brothers have not. I have no contact with them now as I have had to close the door on my past in order to survive mentally. Guess it is all catching up with me now eh.

My mother, who had a horrible and deeply hurtful reaction to my pregnancy is now trying her best to manipulate and emotionally blackmail me into contact with her (she has done this all my life) and I have to block that out too.

zam- what you suggest is exactly what i am going to do re work.

Have to go to work now but seeing psych today going to ask what my options are if this gets worse, which is a question he always ducks, but i'm going to try to be assertive. Look and feel like absolute shit today, wish me luck.

Thanks everyone of you for your support and advice, it does help x

Wishing you luck, lots and lots of it.

Print out your last post and give it to your psych if you can't face talking to him.

Post later and let us know how you are getting on xx

Good luck, lela. I'm sorry to hear about your horrible childhood - it makes a lot of sense about what you're going through right now, and fills me with even more admiration for you, for battling on and struggling on, and for the care you show for your baby despite everything.

You really will be a good mother, and you will get through this. It will be hard, but you will do it. And yes, be strong re the psych - he needs to talk to you as an equal adult, which sometimes they forget.

Lela - I'm still following this and wishing you strength.

Just wondered if you ordered that book 'toxic parents' that someone suggested? You mention about your childhood and emotionally abusive mother, I think it'd be really good for you to read this book sooner rather than later. It will distract your mind too.

I have had a lot of trouble with my toxic parents, the police are now involved and I have gone no contact. I had counselling and suffered with depression over this, it still affects many areas of my life.

Anyway, my point wad, this book really helped me and gave me a lot of closure on the situation and helped with the uneccasary guilt my parents were making me feel. If you like, I can send you my copy but I respect you might not want to do that in order to remain anonymous. Let me know anyway, we could sort it via email. ((( hugs)))