desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Not great. Veer between trying to accept things and praying for scan to have been a mistake. They say you shouldn't give up on your dreams and if you believe something hard enough it can come true and all that kind of stuff.

Desperation eh. Had better day today for a few hours felt almost normal but dp away gain now and have crashed.

Really down.

It is a shame that your DP is away so much, as like you say things seem to be so much better when you feel he is around. I think you said before that even when you feel awful, at least you feel safe when he is around.

Veering sounds pretty normal I think.

I hope you have a good nights sleep. I hope you feel a little better in the morning.

When do you see your counsellor again? i think Habbibu made a good point, about there being a team of people involved in your case.

Take Care x

habbibu I completely take your point, however I dont think involving another professional is really the answer right now. My counsellor is great- she understands why I want a daughter so badly, has faith in me as a mother despite my feelings, and most of all doesn't judge me for them. I feel I can be honest with her and I like her- what more could I ask for?

This is about me accepting having a son and knowing I may NEVER ever have a daughter. And right now I dont feel I can do either.

Dp has been great recently and says he is open to having another baby in the future, but although that is one of the only things that makes this mentally bearable for me the thought of it also comes with an enormous amount of pressure, and if I wasn't so bloody wierd about having a boy i could just concentrate on the one child I do have for now, which is the least they deserve.

The scan had to be wrong. It's as simple as that. Because I just cant live like this.

I think what you could get from a clinical psychologist are, if I understand correctly, therapeutic techniques to help you get through this - it's more than just someone who will listen and not judge, crucially important as that is.

Well I think FWIW, that what Habbibu says about Clinical Psychologists, that sounds very valuable and could be complimentary to the treatment that you are currently getting. The psych for the medicine, the counsellor to listen and support and then the a clinician to remedy therapeutically. Maybe just give it some thought?

You sound alot better today more in control. How do you feel?

Hope you don't think I'm badgering, lela. How are you doing today?

Hi Lela still following your progress. What your counsellor gives you is very valuable and good but you may also benefit from some help to shift some of your thinking patterns. and I'm not even thinking of a shift from wanting a girl to wanting a boy. I'm thinking of a shift towards some self acceptance.

Lela, are you there, can you post please, as I would really like to know that you are OK.
x

Hi. Had a bad day today. sorry I dont want to bore you.

I'm not afraid to speak for a handful of others here too: please talk to us you are not boring us x

not boring me either. not a bit xx

My negativity about having a boy is getting worse. I spent some time today with a large group of kids and the majority of the boys were so completely obnoxious I felt like I wanted to run away (was at work). The girls were calm, thoughtful and easy to talk to.

I'm very sorry for any offence my feelings may cause, I'm sure all of your sons are lovely. I just worry so much that mine wont be, that I'll always wish they were female, and that I won't be able to relate to him.

I still have a shred of hope left that there has been a mistake, because its just so cruel (I deserve it but not the baby) for me to have a boy if I cant love him like I would a girl.

I also feel terrible about the drugs I am on and have horrible thoughts about what if they harm my baby, it will all be my fault. I have also drunk alcohol (no more than one glass of wine a week) during some of my pregnancy and now I'm scared that has harmed them too- how can I ever live with myself if the things that I have done out of desperation to stop feeling like this have just made things worse for my baby. Of course I care for him regardless of gender he is innocent and I would never harm him. I just feel like I will always be depressed he's not a girl.

Sorry I am very ashamed and realise it is hard to se someone not getting better when you want to help them.

Lela you can be yourself on here - you don't have to show you are getting better you can jsut talk to us!

yeah but after a while of the same old shit what can you say to me, I frustrate myself.

to be honest I was pretty obsessed with wanting to have a child and looked forward to it all my life really. I cant get over how negative I now feel. I dont want my ochild to be a son and I can neither accept or move on from this.

Lela I have friends who for the past 1.5 YEARS have been saying to me don't apologise for yourself, you do matter, we do love you, you are not alone. They don't seem to be sick of it and it is finally starting to sink in what they are saying. So there's value in repeating - from both sides.

Lela, willsurvivethis said it so right. You have nothing to apologise for. You are not well and you need support and if I can give you some sort of support to you, then I will.

I am sorry if you feel like you have frustrated me, not at all. I am sad that you feel so bleak. I wish things were different for you. I think that is why sometimes I will suggest things and say, you know have you tried xyz? It is not about me thinking- sheesh, I wish Lela would just get on with it! Far from it.

I feel like I cant go through with having my baby but have no choice its like I'm slowly suffocating

when do you see our counsellor again?

I'm sorry it feels like suffocating - try to see it as just taking each day of your pregnancy as it comes - there will be a baby at the end that you will bond with

Lela, everything really will be okay. I feel so much for you. When one is depressed it feels as if there is no hope but honestly one day soon you will feel better - probably after the baby is born. Until then, one day at a time is wise advice. One hour at a time even. Your baby needs you and you would be surprised how many other people too. I wish you all the best. Please try not to feel bad about being ill (which is what this is) as it is NOT your fault. Not in the least. Good luck, Sweetheart.

Lela, Still here thinking of you - you're not boring or frustrating anyone. I agree that just keep talking, even if you feel like you're going over the same ground, is the way to go in maybe taking some of the ferociousness out of your thoughts at least if they're out in the open rather than running round and round your head. Hugs Lela...

Yes, keep talking, lela - this is how you will work it out. fwiw, other people's children often seem horrible anyway, and I think because of your illness, you're bound to see flaws in even the loveliest boy atm. But I do think that having a boy will, in time, free you from some expectations and demands that you may have placed on yourself and your child, had you had a girl. It seems to me that you desperately want to create the mother-daughter relationship you'd love to have had; but such an idealised picture is difficult to achieve, and fraught with potential for disappointment.

Your feelings may change when you have your son, or maybe they will take more time and work. But a love hard-won is worth no less than a love that just arises, and while he's wee he just needs you to take care of his basic needs.

have to disagree I'm afraid habbibu I try to see the positive in any child who appears obnoxious, especially now boys.

I never expected or saught to create a "perfect" mother/daughter relationship as I dont believe this exists and I never set out to be a perfect mother. My daughter would be her own person, she may not even like me!

I want to believe that this is just an illness that I can get better from, just me being irrational. It would make it so much easier to find a "cure". I will cope somehow with having a son, but I cant imagine ever feeling at peace with not having a daughter. It just does not feel right or natural to me.

I still have no name that I am happy with for a boy and find this deeply upsetting.

Fixating on a name is not helping you. Why is it important to name him now? I know you have a name that you like that you feel like you can't use. All I can tell you is that whatever name you have people with like/dislike. Taste is completely subjective and so if there is one name that you like and I think there is, then use it.

I changed my sons name in the delivery room because the one I had chosen was not "right". I think when your baby comes maybe you will see him and know the name he should have. You have 6 weeks to register the birth too, so there is plenty of time to name him. If all else fails could you give him the same name of your DP?

I can also see where Habbibu is coming from, you often talk of how a girl is "right" for you and would just be a perfect "fit". I am not going to try and analyse you, but the bad relationship with your mum must have something to do with this? On some level you want a chance to right the wrongs in your past perhaps?

This is an illness. You are severely depressed. The "cure" is talking about it, taking medicine, engaging in coping strategies. You seem to be doing all of this and I can see that you are improving. The desire to have a girl may never leave you, but learning to live with yourself and love your son is something you are dealing with each day. You are doing really well. You are getting better. I can see it in your posts. Little glimpses of hope and positivity. Lots of determination and plenty of strength.You will get there.

I hope you have a good day today. Post later please! x

I'll do anything to make this stop.

Today was possibly the saddest day of my life. I had an ante natal appointment which destroyed my last two little rays of hope that this is in any way ok. First the midwife told me that the scans are 99.9% accurate about gender (thought it was 90%, maybe 1 in 10 chance of mistake, clutching at straws). Then, I got sent to have the baby's movement monitored, as i dont feel much some days. I asked if this could be anything to do with stress and I was told yes, he is picking up on my emotional state. Was left hooked up to machine for half an hour and just lay there crying, for him, for me, for this whole big mess.

I want to tell my partner what is really going on and that I know we're having a boy, but I'm so scared of making another mistake (finding out myself was a CATASTROPHIC mistake), and I want so much for him to enjoy that moment when they say its a boy and he will be so pleased.

I also had my first ante natal class today and the women were gong on about how they didnt want to know the sex of their babies, and what a wonderful surprise it would be. I just wanted to die.