desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hi Lela. I'm glad you found my pot reassuring, it was more a ramble though on my part so apologies.

With reference to why you're doing this there are so many moments you will share with your baby. The first time my DS smiled at me at 5 weeks made the 5 weeks of giving constantly to him worthwhile because it was the first time he'd "communicated" with me which wasnt crying. When he started laughing and when he squeals (sp?) and pulls a cheeky grin but most of all when he spots me whether its when he wakes up or when i get out of the shower he instantly smiles.

I do agree with thatsnotmymonkey though around you using the fact you're having a boy as a "reason" as to why you're having such a hard time. I did the same thing with breastfeeding as my milk was late coming in and i really struggled with it and was constantly on the internet trying to find stuff out, i had HVs constantly round and breastfeeding counsellors who all told me everything was fine especially as he was putting on weight well. Once i'd accepted that i then realised it was a cry for help and support and it was easier to say that i was down because of the feeding and not because i was completely overwhelmed and lost and feeling like i was failing. I hope that makes sense.

My DS was unplanned and i broke up with his father the day before i found out i was pregnant. I attempted to have a termination but because i knew my baby had a heartbeat with how far gone i was i couldnt do it. When i was thinking of my baby and how i would need to eat well for him all i could think about was how he would be feeding off me like some kind of animal. I'm ashamed to say it but it was true and the thought of him kicking me was beyond strange that there was someone in me but in my case i grew to be ok with it. I just want you to know that not everyone embraces pregnancy and the things you're meant to enjoy can actually be bitter sweet.

Being as the hypnobirthing book has affected you so much is it wise for you to go to the class? I'm just thinking it might compound the thoughts you're already having.

Lela, you are doing really well to be continuing with your day to day life and to be posting on here. If you can't take things a day at a time maybe try taking things an hour at a time something like that.

Finally, you're not a freak. You're very brave posting about what you're going through because more women than you will think may have had similar experiences.

lela- something that has just occurred to me is that you said you had feelings of guilt about taking medication whilst pregnant. That shows me that even though you don't have a bond with your bump as such you already have that maternal instinct of protecting your baby and wanting the best for him.

Thank you both for your honesty as well. I'm afraid I d still believe that this is very much about having a boy but do see why people don't want to see it like that, as it cant be changed.

Really struggled to get through a very short day at work today, I am feeling totally black. My partner and sister are both away. I cant tell them how I really feel but having them near me makes me feel safer.

Stupid little things get to me. I am compulsively buying baby stuff I dont need anymore out of guilt. I also got really upset in a pram shop today because I stupidly ordered one a couple of weeks ago and payed the deposit and now I'm thinking it was a bad choice(expensive mistake I cant afford to make). I go round and round in my head trying to think of one boys name I like thats not the name of every other bloody child thats been born recently but hate them all. None of these things are important, they are pretty trivial but what happens is stupid little things build up and I end up coming home exhausted and hiding away, barely able to get off the sofa for the rest of the day.

I called up about yoga classes today but now feel I cant go as I just I cant face happy pregnant people, even if they really have their own problems I doubt any of them feel this thick black depression that i am spiralling into again.

I feel so heavy. Physically and mentally.

You really would be surprised what problems and feelings are masked by 'happy pregnant people', yes sure there are people that love pregnancy but i can think of a few friends who breezed through 9 months only to fall after the baby was born and others who have had really hard health difficulties to deal with. I know no body would have guesed my mental anguish as I always kept my self together in public. I was refered to a community mental health team that dealt with pregnant women and I remember thinking to my self with surprise that such a thing existed and there were other women out there like me! You are far from alone and I hope that can be some comfort to you
Try and give Yoga a go, if all you get out of it is a little relaxation then it is worth it, it helped me with bonding aswell.

I'd love to but I just dont have the energy. Cant believe how I looked forward to having a baby for so long for it to be like this. I know I sound very self pitying I'm just at the end of my tether.

It is no surprise you are feeling at the end of your tether and am sure you are completely exhausted. You have to believe that somehow, sometime it will pass. I know this has been said before but take each hour or five minutes even as it comes . The fact you are able to continue at work shows amazing strength.

Thank you. I do so for financial reasons and because if I dont I will sit at home all da and disappear into this. I would get very lonely as my partner is never here.

Hiya lela,

I just wanted to come back and sort of explain what I meant, and then I will let it drop.
You said this
I'm afraid I d still believe that this is very much about having a boy but do see why people don't want to see it like that, as it cant be changed.

For me, it is not like I am looking for an explanation to give you, to make you feel better, or that I am trying to "fix" something. I think what I am trying to say is that you are not well, and having a boy is this hook that has gotten into you. The compulsion to find out is part of it too. I think you are an amazing, strong, loving person who has a lot of love to give your baby. You are finding your way out of this mess, and I have seen a really big improvement in how you are in the posts you have made.

What pushchair have you ordered? I am sure you can transfer your deposit on to a different model.

If you are buying too much, then keep the receipts and return the stuff another day.

When is your DP back home.

He's home tomorrow for one or 2 nights then away again sunday. I'll be going to all my antenatal classes alone like I do everything else.

It was a 3 wheeler 3 in one thing I ordered but its dead heavy and too many bits to it. I saw a much better one in a different shop today, it doesn't matter its just typical of me at the moment, I didn't really know what I was doing, I just got the same as someone else. Again, did it all myself, no one else interested.

I don't want to have a baby boy. I want a daughter more than I can ever describe. Every day is a long hard lonely painful and exhausting slog to get through. Gender "disappointment" doesn't begin to describe it- devastation is the word I would use. I pretend to be ok but inside I'm dying. I lie in bed at night and try to convince myself that sometimes they make mistakes about these things. Maybe I really have a girl, who I can name what I want and have the kind of life i always dreamed of with. Yes I know kids dont just turn out how you want them to but nothing whatsoever about having a boy appeals to me. How can I be a good enough mother feeling like that?

A friend just called and went on to me about how I'm not eating healthy and I should be in a fucking NCT group. sorry for swearing I've just had enough. This is the most vulnerable I have ever felt and I'm sick tired of being alone in it.

It really sucks that you are feeling so awful today.

Your push chair sounds cool. Three wheelers are easy to manoeuvre and good if you like going out for longs walks.

Can you link to the push chair?

My mate drank nothing but orange squash, ate crisps all day long and really struggled to eat a "proper meal". She has a lovely healthy little baby who has no issues. Babies are pretty robust. Your mate is just showing you she cares.

Swear away lela!

if i wasnt having to carry this baby I wouldnt be able to carry on living feeling like this i dont know what to do with myself

I think you should call your counsellor if you can, and if you can't talk to your counsellor then you should call the Samaritans.

I am serious. you need to TALK to someone who will be able to give you some live support.

Call them now.

www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx

I can't. I can't admit what this is about.

Have you called the samaritans lela?

The numbers my psychiatrist gave me are for MIND which is 0208 51 2122 or try NHS Direct on 0845 46 47.

Also, a book my psychiatrist told me to get is Overcoming Postnatal Depression - A Five Areas Approach. It's by Dr Christopher Williams and the ISBN is 0340972343. It might be worthwhile you having a look at it or seeing if they do an antenatal depression version

I'm not calling anyone. I cant admit how i feel or listen to them telling me I'll get over not having a girl.

Thanks for trying to help me I'm just too far gone.

Sorry x posts lela.

Nobody will judge you at all who you speak to. Why dont you maybe call them but use a different name or something like that? You need to speak to someone but i agree that saying your thoughts out loud is scary.

There is absolutely no way i'm explaining this to someone who hasnt experienced it to just be told I will be ok about having a boy. Its meaningless to me. Sorry.

Lela, I 've been umming and aahing about whether or not to post, but perinatal depression is awful and I really hope that something someone says might help you.

I'm so sorry you feel as though you'll never get over having a boy; my depression was rooted in something much less centralised so I don't know exactly what that must be like for you, but I did have massive worries about bonding with my bump/baby. We had been trying for a while, but when I found out I was pregnanyt I totally freaked out. Time off work, sleeping badly, considered abortion, real freak out. I found that it took around 5 months after the birth for me to start feeling as though we were developing a proper connection. My therapist now says she appears to display no attachment issues so far, which was a huge relief. At first, I basically pretended to love the baby. It was hard, and horrible, and I'm really ashamed to admit it. I have never told anyone that. After a few months, I stopped needing to pretend as much. Now, I do love her - more than I could ever have imagined.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope some of it helps, even if it's just another person telling you they understand. I'm not saying that you definitely will get over the way you feel, but maybe if you pretend for long enough, one day it won't be pretend any more. But just do whatever is right for you, be kind to yourself, and be kind to your little baby.

Sorry lela, I didn't mean to upset you. Can you speak to your psychiatrist in the morning and explain how you're feeling? They already have some insight into how you are feeling and I think they need to be kept in the loop so they can do what they can to help you.

I like everyone else just want you to have some RL support so that you don't feel like you're by yourself or weird but also so you can work towards being able to have a nap then a longer sleep etc and regain the control you feel you are losing.

How are you at the moment? Your DH is due back soon isn't he so that's something to work towards getting you through today.

You are not upsetting me. I feel bad because you all think I'm doing well and I'm not, I'm actually quite mad. I woke up at 5am again today absolutley shattered thinking oh jesus this is really happening, my only child really will be a son. I did a very sad thing and allowed myself a half hour or so of fantasising that there had been a big mistake. I took myself back to the worst moment of my life- when I opened the envelope that said boy and in my head I made it say girl. I lay there feeling warm and lovely and looking forward so much to giving birth to this imaginary daughter. That I'll never have. I'm not proud of this, it makes me want to die actually.

I cant sleep properly now even with the drugs which are possibly harming my baby. I do have support in real life- a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I see the counsellor every week and say exactly the same things- I cant come to terms with this, its killing me, I hate myself for feeling this way. She tells me that I will be ok when the baby is here, I go home, I continue to feel like this. The psychiatrist is only concerend with the drug side of it.

Thank you all for your support its been amazing, your stories have helped so much, just for me to see other people have terrible problems in pregnancy. I'm just really sorry for not getting better. As you can see, I'm really really messed up, and the feelings dont go away. I know it must be getting impossible to know what to say to me, so dont worry about it. Thanks.

Lela

You are doing something very common - thinking that you are the only person who feels like this and is going through it and therefore thinking you must be extra bad and evil.

I was the same when my memories of severe sexual abuse came back. Then I discovered how common it is and it started to help knowing there are others.

You are not beyond help, counselling won't fix it in 3 weeks (although i hope counsellor does more than say it will be ok on the day??) and it is NOT a crime to want a girl, it is NOT a crime to be ill and yes you are doing better than you were and heck at least when you wake at 5 it means you have slept. It's exhausting I know, my sleep is cr*p too - but you are improving.

Hang in there one day at a time.

Lela, please don't say you are sorry for not getting better, you have nothing to be sorry for. You don't owe me or anyone your recovery. I want you get better for you. I know you will.

I am still here. Always. Listening.

Stay with us Lela.

Lela, how are you doing? Is your DH back now?

Hi lela - back from holiday and checking in. I was wondering if you could get referred to a clinical psychologist? I don't know about your counsellor's training, but it strikes me that someone who could offer non-drug therapy might be able to help alongside your current support. You have clearly quite a severe illness, and if you had any other illness of this severity there would be several clinicians involved in your case, so I don't see anything different with this.

I'm not sure how you would get referred - perhaps via GP or psychiatrist? but I think you need to seek all areas of help until you find what works for you.

Indulging your fantasy doesn't sound mad at all - very sad, but not mad - can't imagine there's anyone who wouldn't understand letting yourself dream your dearest wish just for a while. Going back to what we said ages ago - can you find a way of tying this in to saying goodbye to your imagined girl?

Hey lela, how are you feeling?