desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Thanks guys,it does help a bit to focus on the nice stuff like the baby clothes and the nursery etc. Every day I still feel so low for not being able to have a daughter, but I know this wee boy needs me more than anyone in the world and I am determined to be as well as I can for him arriving. I know I dont have to be perfect but I dont want him to suffer because of my problems or ever feel unwanted in any way.

Hi Lela, sorry I did not get back to you last night, my internet connection was rubbish and kept dropping off!

Baby clothes, H&M is good,and yes I like Boden, but have found that Sainsbury's has some nice boys stuff.Also I bought alot of plain white stuff and tie dyed it. Looked really cute I thought!

I am seeing a real difference in how you are. You are a big inspiration to me, and I think you are really strong.

Hi Lelarose,

I've popped in a couple of times and just lurked. I'm so pleased with how well you're doing, really happy for you. Another vote for H&M, their stuff is a bit funky I cleared the Bromley branch out the other week.

Quickly check out Tesco if there is a biggie near you, my CM's Mum gave DS a T-shirt today she had got for £2, they had a sale on. It is lovely coloured stripes, not typically baby blue. Bargain.

Well done Lela.

Thanks. My sister came round for the first time in weeks earlier and it upset me a bit because I feel so distant from her now. She can't understand how I feel and I cant talk to her about it anymore and I feel this huge divide between us. Her way of dealing with difficult things is to pretend they are not happening and I feel this awful strain. She tries to be helpful talking about boys names. I genuinely, really do not like any, and I have been through 5 baby naming books trying to find anything I like. It upsets me and I hate talking about it, but she just sits and reads these books while I'm trying to talk to her about other stuff and every so often says a name I hate even when I've asked her to stop it. I'm being really irrational but I just want to scream that I'm not ok about this yet, I know I should be and its too hard for you to deal with but I'm still really fucked up about having a boy and no I cant name him so please stop this. I know, I know, I know she is only trying to be nice. But as she dismisses my feelings about the while boy thing I'd rather just not talk about it at all.

Every time I think I'm getting better I get down again I wish to god I hadnt told my sister about having a boy, it was such a betrayal of my dp, but it was the night I found out, I wasn't really in control of myself. It just makes me feel like crap and it hasnt helped the situation i should have just kept it to myself.

I went to pick up my prescription today and it seems they will only give me a weeks worth at a time which really makes me laugh. Before I found put my baby's sex I was so anxious about it that I tried repeatedly to tell the psychiatrist and the nurse I was seeing at the time that I was in a really bad way and they basically ignored it until I broke down. Now when I'm trying to get back on my feet they treat me like I'm suicidal. I WAS suicidal when I ended up at A&E but again no one listened. If I wanted to kill myself now I could take some paracetemol for gods sake, they are not protecting me they are just causing me huge inconvenience and the timing of this concern is a bloody joke.

Sorry for the ranting just in a bad place tonight.

Hi lelarose. Apologies I haven't read all of this thread but I just wanted to post a message from what I've read.

I can relate whole heartedly to how you are feeling (from what I've read). I was always the maternal one out of me and my sister and was good with babies etc so just figured motherhood would be natural to me. Like you I felt quite detached from my bump and tried to force myself to talk to it etc in the hope I could fool my bump and me. I found out I was having a boy and I was disappointed which is awful to say I know but I worried that I wouldn't be good with a boy. I suffered depression in my pregnancy but struggled on without pills which was a mistake so I'm glad you're on medication now

My baby arrived and was healthy and well and he is very attached to me and I'm glad my feelings in my pregnancy haven't affected him. I'm now on ADs under the care of A psychiatrist awaiting some further therapy.

Ill be honest and confess i still don't have the bond I wish I had with him and that guilt consumes me everyday but like you being pregnant and having my son brought a lot of issues from my childhood to the surface and I'm determined to resolve them so I don't screw my boy up like my parents did with me. You sound like you have the same determination.

Something I'm doing for my boy is to write a mummies memories book and in there I want to tell him about our journey and I want to be honest with him about my depression but i don't ever want him to feel responsible etc, it's so that I can explain it was because I want the best for him that I put such pressure on myself because deep down he means so much to me I'm just scared I suppose of letting myself love him because I'm scared he will leave me. Anyway, maybe you could do a book like that? I'm going to put info about him as a baby and what he was like etc and keep doing it then give it to him on his 21st (rocking present I know

The only other things I'd recommend are getting involved in something like an NCT antenatal class as you then have a support group of others to talk to. I know the last thing you will want is to talk to others but you need to not isolate yourself once you have had the baby. As for baby stuff I second eBay. Have you tried freecycle too?

Sorry for the mahoosive post, especially as I think I managed to get some stuff off my chest which probably wasn't relevant. I hope this helps in some way. As I say, even though I don't have that infamous bond my heart melts a bit whenever my son smiles when he sees me and I'm sure that will be the same for you.

be honest and say I still don't get thT warm feeling made when I seem

newbeginning thank you so much, I find your post very reassuring, especially that your son was not affected by your feelings when carrying him and that you think I am right to be on medication (I feel very guilty for this in case it affects the baby). I tried to keep a pregnancy diary, but it got too upsetting when i was really ill and I thought I dont want to hold onto these memories, but I will keep a baby book and photo album for him when he is born, I have both already.

I am going to hospital ante natal and hypnobirthing classes starting next week. I have heard the NCT groups are great but I'm just a bit scared of being around happy pregnant women who dont mind what sex their child is or who are having girls which I know is bad. I think I do need some kind of a group for when the baby is born though as I will be pretty isolated. But another antenatal class right now, I dont 't know, it might be a bit much.

Do you know a lot of what has happened to me has been a result of reading the hypnobirthing book. It has this bit that goes on about how you should be bonding with your unborn child, talking to them etc and making them feel welcome into the world. My partner now wants to burn this book! I was so confused and felt so inadequate that I could not relate to my bump as an actual person, that is a big part of the reason I found out the sex, and then all hell broke loose in my head. I now realise that all this bonding before the birth is a bit of a myth and like my partner says, I should just not read the books as there will always be something to make me feel inadequate.

thatsnotmymonkey hit the nail on the head by saying that I had a compulsion to find out the sex- there were all kinds of reasons for it. I kid myself on that by the time he was here I wouldn't have minded, but what if I had felt the same way as when I found out at his birth and totally freaked out? At least now I can think about it a bit more calmly and maybe will come to accept it. It also means I still have 3 months to come up with a bloody name. I need to believe this because I so often think it was the wrong thing to find out and it absolutely kills me. I still want my partner to have that moment when they tell him its a boy though, so I dont tell him I've found out because he'll be so thrilled by that and I've ruined enough of this experience for myself.

Sorry to be so needy but I'm having a really bad time today. I met with a friend earlier whose IVF failed around the same time I got pregnant. She was basically saying that in hindsight she is releived becasue when she thought she was pregnant the reality freaked her out and she realise she doesnt really want to cope with a baby. I realise this is her way of coming to terms with a hugely painful situation, but she then went on a huge rant about how shit its going to be having a baby, how men never really support you and how nothing in life is about you anymore, your life is over and babies completely take over, uts all about "shit and screaming" etc, etc.

Like I say, this is her way of coming to terms with never having a baby, but it really got me down. She didn't mean to upset me, but after looking forward to this all muy adult life, I've been so depressed for 6 months pretty much non stop now and I do feel like I have nothing to look forward to sometimes. I would never admit that in real life because I don't want anyone thinking I dont want my baby. Plus I dont really have any close friends with babies.

Could any of you do me a huge favour and please remind me why I am going through all this, what I have to loook forward to, what makes it all worthwhile, what you love about being a mother?

I'm ashamed I have to ask, but can you help me out here. I'm really very upset. Thanks x

Well Lela you and your friend feel like a potent combination right now - neither of you able to help the other.

What I love about being a mother of a little boy? Naughtiness (Dr C Green says healthy toddlers should have a look in their eyes that says 'Let's stuff a bat up Grandma's nightie' and it is so so true!!), slobbery kisses, exploring the world with them, their excitement, cuddles, reading stories together, kissing little sleeping head when you go to bed yourlsef, the huge reward of teaching them something (I taught him how to sign 'No' yesterday - am I mad??/)

The list is endless
x

She's not a close friend or someone I see often so she has no idea I've been unwell and struggling and I've never asked her for help or support, I wouldn't even think about going there.

I'm feeling the worst I have in weeks right now I'm bloody terrified. My partner just keeps saying come on be positive, everything will be ok, but I cant get away from the feeling that ultimatley this entire thing is all my responsiblity, its me thats carrying the baby, will give birth, will feed the baby, will be there 24/7 when he is away. If anything goes wrong it will be me to blame in everyones eyes.

I cant come to terms with having a boy. I cant make myself want a son. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm not threatening to harm myself its just how I feel right now. sorry.

I really wish you would stop trying so hard to want a son. You're having one and that is enough. You are not harming him by wanting a daughter. Pregnancy is not rosy and dewy and you don't have to have rosy and dewy thoughts either.

Hi Lela, just saw your post. I am sorry your friend is having such a terrible time.

I know you know she is just saying all that stuff to cope. It is what people sometimes need to do. I hope she feels better soon.

Well let me see, my DS is 18m, he is completely wonderful and I cannot imagine my life without him in in.

You can expect chases at bed time, where he is so excited he will shriek with laughter and be unable to run away. He will call you mama and he will love you so completely. He will give you hot little cuddles and kisses. He will sing songs and read books with you and look up to you so adoringly. He will put his warm soft little hand in yours. He will surprise you everyday with the new things he learns.He will reach for you and only you will do some times.

My DS has just learnt how to give eskimo kisses, and these have developed into eskimo kisses with your ears too.

Lela, you have a whole world of happiness and love coming your way. xx

Thanks so much both of you. I really cant stop crying right now I'm so frightened. I want to do my housework as the place is a pigsty but I can't move.

willsurvive, I know what you are saying but I do need to want him as I cant see any other way of getting through the rest of this pregnancy.

I feel really despairing tonight.

There is another way - it's called accepting what you cannot change. Accepting that this is how you feel right now - that you did not ask to feel that way

You are not alone. We are here with you. Don't be scared x

Fuck the mess, who cares!! Unless you want to try to tackle it.

Switch the radio on, fill up the sink with hot soapy water, tip all the dirty dishes in it. Grab a big bin bag, dash round your house and bin anything you can. Wash the dishes. That is a big start.

I have just done the dishes and tidied up a bit, got my jammies on and am eating sweets haha. Thank you for being with me.

willsurvive I cant accept feeling like this because right now having a boy makes me feel like I'm not looking forward to the birth of my first child who I have been waiting for all my life. I'm sorry, I know exactly what you mean but I struggle with this so much. How do I cope with being heavily pregnant when I feel like I dont want this child?

Pregnancy is just such a huge issue with everyone closest to me. My best friend does not want kids as she suffers from anxiety sometimes and, clever woman, realises that this would be a problem for her. Then other people close to me have fertility problems, and think, just like I did, that having a child is the missing piece of their jigsaw and would make them so happy they would do anything for it.

My own mother doesn't take any interest and we have basically no relationship. I was an unwanted child. People, including my counsellor say that my feelings about having a boy are not really about it being a boy at all, but you know the really scarey thing? Thats just not true. I dont feel scared of having a girl at all. In fact, I am already trying to imagine how I can persuade my dp to get me pregnant again as soon as possible in the future so I still have the chance to have a daughter. If it was a girl this time then I probably wouldn't dream of putting myself through this whole process again.

This is not right. I cant stand feeling like this, and it is very much about having a boy no matter what anyone says.

God forgive me I just cant do ths anymore

Well done Lela for tidying up and sorting some of the stuff out. It is not easy. Sometimes clearing some space can give your mind some clarity.

I am going to say something kind of harsh. But truly I say it with love and concern OK?

You don't know how you would feel if you had a baby girl inside you. I can see that you think you would. But you just can't know that. Also, if you were not feeling this way now, maybe it would be something else that kicked off the depression. I really don't want to be mean to you, as I know you are just having the worst time. It is just that I can see that you feel the way you do because you are ill, NOT because you are having a boy. There is a big difference here. I am not negating how you are feeling. I am hearing what you are saying. BUT if you were well, can you see you would feel differently?

You are holding on to this boy thing as reason for how you are feeling. There is lots going on and I don't know the half if it. You have touched on your family stuff before and your relationship with your mum. That sucks.

Tell me what you are doing tomorrow?

Lela, just try and live in the moment, and not over think what labour, the delivery, the next baby on so on holds for you.

Post back please soon. I am here for a while xx

I dont think you are being mean, just saying what you think and that is fair enough.

I'm really not well. I've just been obsessively reserarching instances of scans being mistaken about gender. Things are not good.

I'm working tomorrow. Have to keep on acting normal, or will sit in house doing the above all day long.

You must be so sick of me, I cant believe you have stuck with me since the start of this thread. I wish I had a friend as understanding in real life (sorry that makes me sound like a little girl). I'm just so scared and lonely right now.

The baby is moving around more than ever tonight and god forgive me i dont understand how anyone can enjoy that feeling. It makes me feel like I'm going to go completely nuts.

Thats good that you are sort of going through the motions with work and stuff.

I am not sick of you!

Look, it is the internet...but I think we are mates . I wonder if the anonymity is helping you be frank. Maybe it would be different face to face. You are vulnerable and low. It is OK. You will feel differently.

I think some people do struggle with the baby moving, it is pretty weird. When you feel the baby move, just hold your belly and say "I feel you, and I getting better everyday for you"

Hold on.

Are you going to bed soon?

Lela I have to go to bed now, I will post again in the am x

Bollocks to bonding with the bump. I didn't really get it either.

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad evening, try to go easy on yourself, you have got through bad times before and come out strong.

What is good about being a Mum? Soz, don't know how to do links and it is too close to bedtime to start learning but this has moved me to tears a few times:

www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/youafterthebirth/50reasonsfuntobeaparent/

It is really good. Just you wait, you're going to have such fun. It has been hard at times and then DS has a fit of giggles when I blow a raspberry on him and then I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

Take care of yourself Lela,

s

Hi lela, hope you are feeling better this morning x

I'm not sick of you either Lela - just willing you to keep going x

I feel like I've been hit by a train this morning. Result of hours of hard crying and anxiety/depression which defies drugs which used to knock me out, so haven't slept much. I ache all over.

I'm a great believer in taking one day at a time and accepting your feelings etc. Just can't really do either when they apply to the start of an innocent child's life. The isolation of having such socially unacceptable feelings towards them, to the extent that I cant even share tham with my partner or sister is too much for me. I feel like a freak.

All of you are trying to help me and think I'm getting better and I'm just sliding down again.

Hi Lela,
I haven't posted for a while but I wanted you to know I have been following this and think of you often. So much of what you describe I went though and i don't mean this in a bad way but some days I choose not to look at this thread as it all feels so real and painful for me to remember my hideous feelings even though it was seven years ago for me. That is not meant to make you feel worse, I want you to know that some of us out here really do understand and more importantly really have got through it! Don't forget that the anti depressants can take up to six weeks for their full effect to be felt and it will be a gradual recovery with lots of ups and downs and set backs.
I also found out I was having a boy which was not what I wanted to hear either but to be honest in the state I was in desperately didn't want any kind of baby full stop!
A boy I did have and then another, and you know what, if I was pregant again and told I could choose the sex it would be a boy again as mine really are a delight and cannot imagine it any other way.
I found going along to all the antinatal classes and yoga helpful to come into contact with other pregnant women, although it took a monumental effort to do so. A few of whom I am good friends with today and although at the time I wouldn't have dared tell them what was going on with me particularly about taking medication I have since told them and I am amazed by what I hear, "oh yes didn't you know so and so went through that too".
It doesn't feel like it but I KNOW you will get through this. I think you are doing so well and find your honesty amazing.
Do take care x