desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Oh no, how terrible for you,

have you tried this website, my DH uses it all the time for booking places for business things and he is often in 5 star country manors through it! www.laterooms.com/

I think you have to acknowledge that you are finding your way out of this. I mean you are sleeping better, you are talking to good medical professionals and those are big steps. You have been brave and open on here too.

Where do you fancy going on your mini-holiday?

Hi, I've just been crying non stop for the last 2 hours. I'm covered in snot and still cant stop.

I booked a really shit hotel room for tomorrow night, all I could get, past caring.

My partner called and I just cried and cried and he just says hes so stressed and doesn't know what to say to me.

I'm so scared I feel so alone, getting heavier pregnant and giving birth just terrify me now. I have nobody to talk to about all this, I hate my mother for not being there for me, I'm a grown woman sitting crying for her mum. She left me when I was 13 and we've never been close. I rely on my sister but she cant cope with this, and my close friends haven't had babies except for one whose only advice is for me to get private care after the baby is born, which her rich family did for her. I should laugh really.

thats not my monkey you are so sweet and kind. I'm so lost, thank you for caring about me

well, private care, what does that even mean??

Talk to your counsellor about a mother and baby unit, it would only be a few weeks before you could get into one now. You are what 25 weeks now?

You are having a bleak day. Birth is scary for all new mums, and I know there is more going on for you, but no one goes into the labour ward thinking, "this is going to be great!". I know that you are so scared of having a boy any you are terrified that you wont connect with him, or love him even. All I can tell you is that I know that you love your baby now. You are alive with feelings for him. Confused feelings and terrified feelings, but also feelings of fierce protection and desire to offer a safe and secure relationship for him. You are in a very difficult place right now. But all of this, and I mean all, is a big reflection of how much you care.

I think if you spoke to a friend in RL, they would try and do their best by you. Sometimes you have to take a risk and let someone in.

Sending you love. You have alot of love to give lelarose. Don't think for a moment you don't.

Thanks- reading that that means so much to me, I'm crying again but in a better way, if you know what I mean.

I wasnt scared of giving birth before I found out it was a boy, now as you can see, its the idea I wont want the baby when I see him, or that I'll go completely hysterical during labour, and I really want it to be as calm as possible for everyone's sakes.

My friend had a maternity nurse, it cost 3 grand...I dont want some stranger in my house when I've just given birth anyway. I just wish I had other friends who understood this.

Well I'm doing to have a bit of toast (not eaten) and go to bed. Hope you sleep well, one day when I'm better I hope I can help or support you if ever you need it x

Hi Lela,
Just wanted to say you're doing brilliantly, even though you don't feel like you are. We're all here for you, don't worry. If you need a hand to hold in RL, let one of us know and we can be there if required. Are you in London? I'm central London, and could easily come to look after you if you want.
Sorry, that sounds a bit odd doesn't it? Just realised that I sound like a weirdo - you must be thinking WTF? who is she? as I've only posted on your thread once or twice, so you prob don't 'know' me, but I have been following your thread, and just wanted you to know you don't have to struggle alone. I know what depression is like- it's horrid - so just give me a shout if you need to.

Thats such an amazing thing to say (crying even more now haha). I dont think you're a wierdo at all just very very kind and I would probably actually take you up on that but I am really far away from London.

Just knowing that someone would offer to do that for me helps. Thank you x

That's ok. I just wish you could talk to someone in RL about this too. is there really no-one you could trust enough to talk everything through with?

Apart from a counsellor, I mean. I bet your friends wouldn't judge you.

Hi Lelarose

I soo feel for you right now; it's horrible feeling this way but honestly even though you cannot believe me right now - it will pass. It is your illness and your insecurities making you feel that you won't be able to love your son - but you won't be like your mother - you sound a very caring and sensitive person - and you will fall in love with your baby.

It may not be right away. But that doesn't matter - what counts is that you will sooner or later. Fwiw my son was whisked away as soon as he was born to intensive care, and the only emotion that I had - and I've never admitted it to anyone in rl - was relief because I was scared to hold or look at him.

Another person I know with antenatal depression did not hold her baby for 12 hours after she had him. She just couldn't. The Mw's were very understanding and there was absolutely no pressure to until she felt ready.

It took me quite a while to actually love my son and for a while when I was desperately depressed I didn't want to be near him. I remember my CPN / Crisis team visiting before my admission to the mother and baby unit and they sat down and told me that although they knew I wouldn't and couldn't believe it I would feel better sometime soon and would love my son.

As for labour- you will get through it and it won't be as bad as you are imagining.
I was also really worried that I would become hysterical in labour because of the lack of control of my body and the realisation that at the end of it was a baby that I wasn't sure I wanted or could love. But I never felt like that and all through felt strangely calm as if my body just knew what to do.
And although there are possibly more pleasant pastimes than labour, I actually really want another baby (a son even!) and in a funny way really want to go through labour again - or if that sounds too strange, really don't mind it at all.

Hope your short break helps you get away from things for a while.

You will get through this, and you will love your son. So many people are rooting for you and there are other people who have felt similar to how you feel now and have got through this.

Keep on posting there is nothing that you cannot say and no-one will judge. Thinking of you

I don't know if this is any help at all - but have you tried working through it? I had incredible sleep disorders with DC1. The doctor just said it was the baby preparing me for parenthood.

So I used to get up and go to work. The security chaps used to laugh when they saw me turning up at 3.30am and they used to bring me a glass of milk. I worked until I felt that I could sleep. Sometimes I literally worked for 24 straight hours.

But it was very therapeutic. Really. I loved sitting there, scything through the work, brain stimming, until I felt really properly tired and as though I could sleep. I've never been so productive.

Try it anyway. See if it works.

Have woken up puffy eyed with a splitting headache from crying so much yesterday. Really regret booking hotel for tonight as dont want to go at all.

tigerbear I have tried talking to my sister and a close friend about my feelings. My sister is now having bad problems herself and I cant give her mine anymore- I'm not just saying that its really quite serious. My friend, understandably just says, you will be fine, of course you will bond with your baby etc, what else can she say? She watched me so upset all the times I never thought I'd even be able to get pregnant, how can I admit I dont want his baby because its the wrong gender? Shes not judgemental but I really dont think many people could understand this.

Everyone says stop worrying about things that havent happened yet- but I dont know how to because having this baby will be the biggest thing that has ever happened to me and the most important. If anything I do causes him pain or distress or messes him up in later life I won't forgive myself. I have seen very clearly what happens, especially with boys, when you fail as a mother.
I feel bad for him already stuck inside the body of this mess of a woman who hates to feel him kick, and all he can here is me cring and moaning.

My partner has literally no idea how to deal with me. I dont blame him, I think men tend to think that you are asking them to fix everything for you, rather than understanding you just need a cuddle and to be loved and accepted. He sighs really loudly down the phone and I have to stop myself getting totally hysterical- its like I'm trapped at the bottom of a deep dark hole and I can see the people I care about looking down at me shaking their heads and sighing then walking away. I cant get out by myself- I try to climb out but then I always slip and end up back at the bottom, and I cant ask them to help me because they dont know how to.

Thanks for what you said fluffy, it helps to know how other ppl who have been depressed in pregnancy coped with the birth. This is the hardest part for me about acepting that I made the decision to find out the sex in advance, it has made me feel so negative about the birth.

quattrocentro- I'm not entirely sure what you mean- I'm glad that worked for you, but I found that when I just carried on going without any sleep I became quite suicidal with depression and anxiety, which is why I have very reluctantly gone on medication. I do go to work even when I'm exhausted because I know staying in bed all day wont help but when I was up all night I just went mad basically.

lelarose i think that although you dont realise it ,you love your little son already,you dont want him to have any pain or distress,there speaks a mum who actually does love her baby !!! You are going to be a very caring mum.

Hi lela, it is so nice of you to say that and it is a testament to how nice a person you are and how good your heart is, that you would be even thinking of me.

Hope you are having a nice time on your mini-break x

FearlessFreak - great post - you've summed up what depression is like. And Lela that it is what it is - the depression taking over - it is not YOU thinking the horrid and sad thoughts. Don't think that you're a bad person for having all of these thoughts and fears - you're an amazing person and you will be a great Mum - but the depression is making you think that you won't be.

And about men not being able to relate to how you're feeling - that's true what Fearless said, but it's also because your DP hasn't suffered from depression (correct me if I'm wrong) - it is so, so hard for anyone who hasn't had it to be able to relate to how you feel. I know that too - I've been depressed many times over the past 10 years, and it's been difficult for DH to know how to cope when I'm down. It's hard for other people to understand that it's not something that can be shaken off easily, that it's not about 'pulling yourself together' or thinking positively - it's so much more than that. Other people don't know how to react and they feel helpless because they can't (in their eyes) 'fix' you.

Hi there, I've been away the weekend with my dp, was good to get away but I'm really shattered now as didn't sleep well. I love my partner so much, he manages to make me laugh and its good for me to have to try and act normal around him. I agree with you, fearless freak, if he was all empathetic all the time it wouls be worse in soem ways as I dont want him to see the depths I can sink to. It just hurts sometimes when I am sat here on my own and I feel like the lonliest person in the world because, as you say, no ne sees how I feel, but the thing is I don't really want them to either.

I have no blame or anger really for anyone but myself.

I look at my dp and tell myself that my son will be like him and that is some consolation, but as you see its the idea that I will never have a daughter that really, really kills me. I never really want to be pregnant again with a boy, but I would do it again to try for a girl- thats not really right is it. I would much prefer my child not to be an only child anyway but firstly there are no guarantees I could ever conceive again and also is it really fair to face this kind of disappointment again. I mean why the hell am I even thinking about that when I havent even given birth to my first child yet. I want to be happy with what I've got this is horrible.

lelarose I have dipped in and out of your thread. What a difficult time you are having.

I know that AND is a horrible thing . I was quite overwhelmed when I was PG and I did have some pangs of disappointment when my scan showed DS was a boy and not a girl.

I'm not having any more DC's either so it's just a boy for me (but FWIW I remember feeling sorry for an Auntie who has 2 boys - and now if I was to have another DC in some ways it would be great to have another boy - so 2 boys together).

I just thought I would post in case you'd be interested in this book callen "pink brain/blue brain":

"infant brains are so malleable that small differences at birth become amplified over time as parents, teachers, and the culture at large unwittingly reinforce gender stereotypes. By focussing on the ways in which differences emerge such prescriptive behaviours can be eradicated, and the boundaries that prevent boys and girls from achieving can be destroyed. "

Reading it may change your perception of the differences between boys and girls. If you head over to the Feminism topic you'll see plenty of mentions to the concept that the differences between each sex as a whole are much much smaller than between different people within each sex IYSWIM?

I think you mentioned a difficult relationship with your mother - have you read Toxic Parents?.

My last tip is a self-hypnosis called Enjoy Motherhood.

Sorry if this is all unhelpful - it may be of use to you in the future.

Thanks for that, have ordered books you recommended, would try anything that might help.

Bad day today, bad pregnancy envy as been working somewhere where 2 other pregnant women, one of whom is having a girl and the other just waiting for her "lovely surprise". Then find ot that yet another person has used the one and only boys name me and dp can agree on and stupid things like that really get me down. I loved my girls names so much. And can anyone tell me why every thing for boys has to be baby bloody blue and covered in cars, monsters, even bloody soldiers?? Unless its the stuff I cant afford.

Realise the above makes me sound like a spoilt child and there is a hell of a lot more to being a mother than what you can buy for your baby. I just want to cheer myself up by thinking of names and buying clothes and stuff and it drives me nuts.

Continually express gratitude for my partner and healthy child, I say thank you for them out loud every day. Inside still feel like an absolute piece of shit though.

Glad you liked my suggestions! Hope the books are helpful.

Sorry about the other PG ladies at work. I don't suppose they had any idea what you're going through ... BUT ... that doesn't mean that they are not also suffering from AND etc? Just a thought.

Re names - if you've agreed on a name then just use it. Tell the person - "we've decided on that name for our list - I was thinking of changing it when I heard your news - but now I realise that's silly so I thought I'd tell you".

"why every thing for boys has to be baby bloody blue and covered in cars, monsters, even bloody soldiers??" - Yeah it's shit! It is marketing polarising boys and girls - there's quite a lot of discussion about this on various blogs etc.

STRIPES - will be your friend - these normally mean no daft slogans.

You do know that there are other people who feel like you don't you. There is even a term for it "Gender Disappointment" - you can google it and see.

Lela, my DS has a bedroom with giant 1970s crazy daisy print curtains, a very pale grey/blue paint job and some bright orange shelving. Sounds gross, but it is nice, and kind of neutral- not too girly or boyish. As for clothes. NCT sales are good. Otherwise it is sale time in most of the high street, H&M is good.

Use the name you love, don't worry about anyone else.

I just also wanted to say, I know you feel really down and it all centres around the decision. however there was a compulsion on your part to find out, and you did, and it is about trying to forgive yourself from now on in.

tabouleh- I have googled gender disappointment 6 weeks ago, and finding out about it is what made me decide to find out my babys gender now, but I still find that decision very hard to come to terms with. It really freaked me out reading about other ppl with this problem because they tend to keep on having babies in the hope that they get the gender they want. This upsets me because not only do I not have the opportunity to do this, I really dont think its a healthy thing to do, and the worst bit is nobody seems to get over it and just accept what they get. There are websites supporting ppl with this but they just scare me too much.

thatsnotmymonkey your boy's bedroom sounds fab to me!! I found some really cute clothes in mothercare today and bought them even tho I couldn't afford it as its so rare I see stuff I like.

As for the name, its very difficult as not only is it really very popular all of a sudden its also been used for an animal in our family and I'm worried I will get stupid remarks that I'm too sensitive for right now.

Thanks Lela, IKea have really nice fabric which is sooo cheap if you are any good with a sewing machine? Ikea also has good sturdy baby furniture and it is pretty reasonable.

In a way reading about what other people are going through must be a bit of a double edged sword. In one way you know that you are not alone. But then again, there must be some scary tales on there. I think, without wanting to diminish any ones suffering or situation, that what you are reading will be mostly negative. What is going on with you is unique to you, and you are being treated for that. Your issues and your needs.

Also, you will be spoiled by well wishers giving you gifts for your DS. It is lovely.

What did you buy? Link?

It was wee sleepsuits from mothercare in red and bright blue and brown with teddy bears on them, they look kind of retro, which I love. Couldn't see them on their website to show you. I've decided I'm dressing him and doing his room in all the bright colours with animals and stuff to avoid the dreaded baby blue and coffee and cream/ pastel stuff with cars etc. I like the clothes in mothercare and Boots best as I like the kind of retro looking stuff. Boden is lovely but v expensive. I love clothes, and I'm so fussy about stuff like that I dont really want other ppl to buy me them, that sounds terrible doesnt it.

I want to love my baby so much, I'm really working on myself. I tell myself that all I have right now is the thought of a baby boy, which is kind of meaningless as I have no idea what its like to actually have a son of my own.

I hope he will be like his dad, who for all his faults is funny and decent and kind.

How old is your son thatsnotmymonkey? Do you have any other children? Sorry if you already told me my memory isn't great right now x

I hate baby blue too. My DS' room is Ikea jungle curtains and a bright red rug and then jungle/animal prints framed on the walls.

Mothercare have some lovely stuff.

You sound like you're doing grat Lela, still moving forwards, bit by bit, even when it doesn't feel like progress.

Hi Lela
Just to add my two penneth into the baby blue debate, I am absolutely with you on this and second tabouleh in the saviour of stripes.
I would also say don't forget about Ebay. I have managed to get some lovely stuff on there. Boden stuff sells for about half the price. I even managed to get a pair of boden trousers the other week for a pound! It washes so well that they are like new. There is generally so much out there and as babies only wear stuff for a matter of minutes before it's too small it is usually really good quality.