desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I feel like I just want everything to stop. My dp thinks I'm just panicking about being overwhelmed by having a baby christ knows what he'd think of me if he knew the truth.

I know that maintaining a sense of normality is important to you and you can't shut yourself away, so maybe tomorrow will be lovely and you will be OK.

Listen to what your Psych says. How you feel, is how you feel. But do tell them about these panic attacks and how desperate you are feeling.

You are working through all these very raw emotions, so as you work through them you need to give yourself a break and say, this is all part of the illness. It will get better. It will pass. What are you doing to try and cope when you feel like this?

Well I just tell myself I may feel ok about having a boy when he arrives but I dont believe this so I then tell myself maybe I'll get another chance to have a baby after this one, but then I think oh god what if I had another boy, so then I tell myself it could have been a mistake....and so it goes on I'm just crazy. And I have to hide it from everyone.

Well you don't have to hide it here.

Honestly you are doing so well Lela.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing as you are making good progress. Is your Dp there tonight?

no hes not here. If I'd known I would feel this strongly about having a boy I honestly think I would have thought twice about ever havng kids. It sickens me to say that as i have been looking forward to doing so for my entire adult life. I just tried to cheer myself up by looking at baby clothes but the boys ones are all awful and the girls are beautiful so it just rubs it in. I hate myself for feeling like this and I wish to god i didn't even know what I was having.

Hi lela, Sorry not been around too much - sickly DS2 since weekend - but been reading. Just letting you know I'm still thinking of you. thatsnotmymonkey has made some excellent points. It does sound like the pills are having a positive effect, albeit no miracle cure. And sounds like the psych/counseller help is also good and supportive. I agree about being kind to yourself that your feelings are your feelings. Accept them for what they are. You feel how you feel. It doesn't make you a bad person for feeling this way. And you don't have to pretend here either - and I bet that if you opened up to RL friends too you'd find they would be compassionate. Anyway....don't think I really have much helpful to say....just saying hello really and giving you a sly hug (apparently not MN etiquette?!).

Hi there.

When you said you were worried about PND I thought "Oh no, she's doing what I did!" i.e. as soon as one fear subsides a bit, another one sneaks in.

I was afraid I'd have PND, I have had anxiety and been mildly depressed (not what you are going through but somewhere on the scale) and somehow I thought I was ripe for it. Didn't happen. I asked for help when it felt things were tough and said to myself no way am I going to suffer in silence. Didn't develop into PND. I'm not saying it won't happen to you, but it's not doing anyone any good for you to worry about it now. It might not happen, and if it does, get help. Hope that doesn't sound harsh, it's what I wish I had told myself when I was constantly stressing away about what might or might not happen next.

I like to think if your friend is a good friend you don't have to pretend you're happy. Maybe just let on you're finding it hard, I'm sure she'll want to support you. Most friends do.

Glad to hear you're signed up for hypnobirthing - let me know how you get on, we're thinking of having number two and I'd love to do it. Got my fingers crossed for you.

Take care, try to pop in but I came up on the top 20 internet users at work so I'm cutting back! Evening only.

Thing is though, the fact that you are having this reaction of having a boy is just a symptom of the illness. If it wasn't this, it may well be something else.

You will have a connection to your son though, because he is part of you. You created him with your DP. There will be a sense of familiarity there, a comfort.

Just come across this thread, what a terrible time you've been having

I haven't had psychosis but I have had Pnd and have a mother (who I have no contact with) who has a personality disorder and I was afraid of turning in to. I strangely have a kind of opposite fear to you, I have 2 boys and may have a third and although part of me would like a girl out of curiosity I am afraid if I had one we would recreate mine and my mothers relationship. In other words, the only model of a mother daughter relationship I have to draw experience from is defective so what if I repeat it? In reality I know logically this is unlikely but it's still there in the back of my mind.

I just wanted to share that with you so you know people have all sorts of thoughts. The only difference with you at the moment is that you have become temporarily I'll and your concerns are all blown out of proportion. It isn't your fault, it is the ilness, it isn't you.

I have suffered from anxiety when I had pnd, strangely the fact that my mother is so overbearing and controlling actually manifested itself in a huge fear of wasps and an anxiety that made me hypersensitive to any noise that sounded remotely like buzzing. I found it very difficult to leave the house without my dh and had to take rescue remedy to try and calm myself. I took control of the situation and got the police to tell my mother to leave me alone. As soon as I did that my wasp anxiety just about dissapeared!

Strange how the brain works especially when it's I'll. You can think something is about one thing when it's actually about something else, this was a total surprise to me, didn't see it coming. I thought i was afraid of being attacked by wasps against my will but I was actually afraid of being attacked by my mother against my will and of her nit leaving me alone, I was scared she'd never stop mentally torturing me and I had no way to stop get, that it was out of my control.

Maybe the whole gender thing is about to trying to fix the past as you've said. A chance to fix the child in you that got damaged. Maybe though there's another way to do that? Have you discussed the issues with your mum much in therapy?

I admire your strength by the way. Keep asking fit help. X

Appologise for any typos or weird words by the way, my phone keeps correcting things when I don't want it to.

Yes I know, a lot of this is about wanting to recreate the mother daughter relationship that I never had. My mother is a very messed up and frankly unpleassant person who did not bond with any of her children, ESPECIALLY the boys, who she now has no relationship with. I cannot conceive of having a really close relationship with a son, which is ridiculous because my partner (who comes from a completely different family background to me) adores his mum, and has nothing but love and respect for her.

I know I'm not my mother- if I thought I was like her I would never have even considered children, and I am trying to work through these issues in therapy. This is incredibly shallow but part of me just does not like little boys. I watch them playing outside my window and I feel nothing positive towards them, nothing maternal. I know it will be different with my own son, but to me it will never be like having a daughter. When I thought I'd never have children I used to pray everyday for the chance to be a mother- I realise now it was not a child but a daughter I was praying for, what a terrible thing to admit.

Everyone I know who has had a baby in the last few years has had boys and I always thought this would magically raise my odds of having a girl, as I never tend to be the same as other people. But all of dps friends and family have recently had girls so I guess that redresses that balance- I'm so jealous of them. Yet people are envious of me as they see a "normal", "happy" pregnant woman (some of my friends have fertility issues, and would really be appalled by my feelings).

I wake up every morning with such a heavy heart, its like I'm having to carry someone elses child, a child I cant feel anything positive about or even name (this is a big thing for me). I'm being very self indulgent here and just repeating myself really, but thank you all for your support and for giving me somewhere to express my feelings without judgement. Sorry for going on, and for sounding so self pitying (something I hate).

lelarose,i would just like to say that i have a child of each sex.My son is the most loving person you could meet.When they were small my daughter was very independant .always insisting on dressing herself,whereas my son was quite happy for me to dress him ,always wanting a cuddle and would happily sit on my lap,whereas my dd did not want any of these things.Little girls can turn out almost like boys in their tomboyish ways.I hope you can get your problems resolved and wish you every happiness with your new son when he arrives.

I don't think your feelings (wanting a girl) are that shameful or uncommon actually. Lots of people feel this way to some degree and I'm not playing the way you feel down by saying that, I know the way you feel is very strong and extreme but it's still a common problem iyswim?

What I'm trying to say is stop beating yourself up for feeling this way, there are a lot worse things to think and do. It's not ideal but you WILL come out the other side of this. Tbh I imagined myself having a girl before I had ds1 and couldn't really picture what a boy would be like. Now he's here he is utterly adorable in ways I could have never even imagined, I honestly really could not have thought up the ways in which I love him. I canno imagine him being a girl for one second.

The way you are feelingnow is valid but please remember that because you are ill everything you feel is exaggerated and distorted and you are prone to being a lot harder on yourself than you might usually be. The fact that you are even worrying about all this means that you will be a wonderful mother, honestly.

This baby will bond with you and long to be heals by you what ever because no matter what happens you are his mother, unique, irreplaceable and his, keep this thought in your mind. You DON'T have to be perfect ( no one is ) because in his eyes, you are perfect for him.

Don't worry about keep repeating yourself, speak about your feelings till you're blue in the face if it helps. Who knows, at some point you might stop going round in circles and go forward instead

"I realise now it was not a child but a daughter I was praying for, what a terrible thing to admit"

Lela, what is realy so terrible about that?

Nothing that is!!!

It is terrible to me because I should have thought about that before I got into this situation. Maybe I did just want a wee girl to make everything ok which is really immature and unrealistic. Now I'm bringing a little boy into the world who I dont know if I can make happy, or if I can be well enough to give a good life to and it scares the hell out of me. I am ashamed of how I feel. I mean physically I have had a good pregnancy (if it werent for the insomnia I'd have been perfectly healthy), my baby is healthy, my partner has stuck by me, but I can't just be happy. I looked forward to this all my life and now I can't take any pleasure from it at all.

You can't just snap out of depression, lela. That's the whole thing about depression. It robs you of being able to feel happy, regardless of your circumstances. Like you, I had a good pregnancy, a loving DH who stuck by me etc. but still got depression.

It's an awful illness because it distorts your thoughts. You have distorted thoughts at the moment, about having a boy, being a mum to a boy, how you will scar him for life, never make him happy etc.

These are distorted thoughts, they really are.

This little boy will be a bit like you and a bit like your DP - whom you love a great deal. He will not be "alien" to either of you. Plus you won't be on your own bringing him up, your DP will be there.

It's not you're fault that you 'can't be happy', you're suffering from really bad depression at the moment. It is an illness, a chemical/ hormonal imbalance. Youcould have all the riches in the world and a perfect family and home etc and you still would be feeling as you are, hard to imagine as this distorted version of reality you're living in seems real but it's not, you're viewing everything through depressed eyes.

This really isn't your fault, it's not something you can just shake off or ignore, if you had any other illness for eg thyroid problem, you would see a doctor and get help without shaming or blaming yourself.

Depressionis cruel like that, it is the nature of it that it makes you mentally put yourself down and beat yourself up but don't listen to it. For what it's worth you sound like an absolutely lovely person and you really have done nothing wrong. Hang in there, you really are doing the right thing by seeking treatment and you deserve the best treatment you can get just like anyone else.

for what its worth i actually never wanted a girl,i wanted boys.I had a daughter,i cannot imagine my life without her and even though i had always said i didnt want a girl ,i loved her from the second she was born.

Hiya,

I can't think of anything to add to some of the wise posts you've had today. It's a classic symptom of depression that the things that you know should make you happy don't. You are being so critical of yourself.

Also while I remember, my DS was not a cuddler at all when he was a few months old (he didn't have much choice when he was little little!) but he is now 18 months and for some time now has been the loveliest cuddler and comes running for cuddles.

Even if you really subconsciously got pregnant to get a girl you are about to discover that little boys are special and that your little boy will be veery special.

Mine at 2.5 is a great hugger and (big open mouthed) kisser too..

Boys are brilliant!

I know all of your little boys will be special and lovely and in time I will accept having one myself I just can't come to terms with not having a daughter right now.

Well I saw my friend and told her I'd had bad anxiety but over the baby's health and giving birth (the truth but not the whole truth). Have to keep pretending I dont know the sex (out of respect for my dp's wishes), and she kept saying oh you'll definately have a girl, I can just see it (yes so can I and its breaking my heart). She said she'd love to have a girl as she wouldnt know what to do with a boy and I had to lie and say oh I'll be happy either way.

After 2 weeks of sleeping better I am now waking at 5am full of anxiety again despite the medication and I cant stand it. I'm shattered and cant face work. I have ruined my pregnancy with this.

The only name dp and I can agree on for a boy is something that people may make stupid comments about because of how it has been used in our family the past (cant give any more details so that prob dont make sense sorry). I shouldn't care, but see if just one person makes a negative or sarcastic remark I'm so sensitive these days it will really get to me. so just another thing to feel "wrong" about. I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm exhausted. Want to go away with dp this weekend but cant even make decision to book it (cant really afford it)cos I'm, so tired and stressed my brain cant make decisions on anything.

Thanks fearless the way you talk about your boys is lovely, maybe one day I'll be the same eh. My partner was adamant for the start he wanted a surprise about the baby's sex- so did I but then anxiety about having a boy took over so i found out wothout telling him I'd done so. And then lost the plot entirely. I tell him all the time I think its a boy (as do most other people tell me due to way I'm carrying etc) and he's happy about that so dont really need to tell him for definite. I lie to other people about it on a daily basis anyway which is very wearing but I genuinely dont want them to know and even saying it out loud i find upsetting. I stupidly still pray there has been a mistake. I dont want to go through pregnancy again to risk another boy, I'm obviously pretty shit at it. Self esteem really low right now.

Hey lela, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so anxious first thing in the morning, no the best way to start the say! still you are getting alot more sleep than you were so that is a positive.

I also think the way you handled your mate was brilliant, and it must have been so hard to hear her going on about having a girl.

Will be back in a bit, just go to sort my DS out. x

I had a meltdown this afternoon. Was trying, in between working, to book a couple of nights away for me and dp (he sees no point in stuff like that, i am desperate for a break, so all left up to me) and of course its too late to book anywhere and he doesn't understand why I'm upset. I just want sometimes for him to say its ok i love you, you are safe and everything will be alright, but he just gets frustrated with me and says I should "listen to myself" and then how tolerant he's been of me for the last few months (he does not know the half of what its been like for me as I've tried to protect him from the worst of it).

Dont want to be self pitying or bitch about him, just really down and feel so helpless over my feelings, like befoe I've always managed to find a way out of depression, now I just cant, i feel such dread about the baby growing bigger and being born. I'm cracking up again its horrible.