desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Bless you Lela. It sounds like you are seeing good psych and counsellor now. Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and inadequate. Thoughts about your parents and the impact of their behaviour do seem to loom large when you have a sprog. Mine were pretty normal, but there does seem to be a need to think it all through a lot. FWIW I think for me I ended up knowing myself better.

Thinking about the having no idea how to be a parent, I didn't realise how much support you get, don't know if it the same everywhere but the midwife came round every day to start with. I found it reassuring cause I thought I really can't go too far wrong in less than 24 hours, and you can ask them daft questions every day. They kept telling me I was doing really well and it totally gave me a boost when I was feeling so unsure about everything. Then it slows down and they hand you over to the health visitor, then you can go to baby clinic as often as you like (it's something to do anyway and at ours you can sit around and chat with other mums while the babies play).

Hope you have nice plans for the weekend, have a nice cup of tea and a cupcake somewhere for me while you get the chance, I'm blitzing the house and garden while DH takes DS to the supermarket so you can have some sympathy for us. He has been told to bring me a cupcake back. DH, not DS. DS is 18mo and brings me small stones.

Lela great to hear that the professionals say the same thing as we all do - you will be a great mum because you want to and care so much.

I think I've said this before but dh was emotionally and psychologically abused, I was sexually abused outside the home and have an attachment problem v-a-v my mum. Yet we seem to do a decent job (according to those around us) of raising a little boy with special needs. DH is hell bent on giving his little boy everything he never had and actually learns from his relationship with our son what he should have had himself.

we parent very consciously - often thinking he needs this because I didn't have it, but it works. Often survivors of bad childhoods make excellent parents.

I have no doubt you will be a great mum That little bean growing inside you is very lucky to have a mum who cares so much about being a good mum.

Hi Lela,

Just quickly checking in before next stage of holiday - complicated itinerary involving 70th birthday parties, holiday cottages and history conferences...

I think the key to being a good parent is caring about being a good parent and always trying. You will stuff up a lot - it is impossible not to, and when ds is being a bugger in the night again I do sometimes wonder what his first word will be, after the choice phrases I use to him in the small hours. But we do ok, we muddle along, say sorry when we're wrong and thank you when we're grateful, and I guess that's all you can do. I think you absolutely have it in you to be a cracking mother. I think your worries are utterly understandable, and must be shared by people with PND, for example, but remember that there are millions of women out there who've had severe PND and are still great mothers with great relationships with their children.

My best friend is a case in point - she worried very much about ADs when feeding, but felt she had to take them, and has a wonderful relationship with her dd now. She felt that she couldn't go through it all again when her dd was a couple of years old, and resigned herself to having only one child - however, she did get better, so much so she now has a bonny wee ds, and is proof that you can get out the other side, and be a fantastic mother in the process.

Hey lela, great to hear that you have a good appointment with your counsellor and psych, You are making really good progress.

Just wanted to say hello. I am a bit under the weather and I have a guest house, so not on form really.

Sending you big hugs xx

Thanks everyone. Still struggling a bit here. The mediciation helps me function and put on an act, and dp is here and we getting on well.

I just still feel, to my deep shame, very depressed about having a boy, to the extent I almost try and believe the scan was wrong. I know its ridiculous it just wont go away. Also really really scared of later stages of pregnancy.

Hope you ok thatsnotmymonkey

Hi lela, I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are. Haven't posted before, but have been following your thread. I think you're absolutely amazing - coping with depression is hard at any time, never mind when pregnant. You're doing brilliantly - I know it might not seem like it, but you WILL get better and you will be a great Mum.
That's fab news that you and your DP are getting on well-- it must be nice to have him around.

Big hugs to you.
xx

Hi Lelarose

Glad the medication is helping you cope at the moment and that things are going better with your partner.

Feeling inadequate about your parenting ability is something that I think most parents to be go through; especially so if you have had difficult issues with your own parents. You will be a great parent though because you care enough to be one. You are determined not to repeat the experiences and the childhood that you had on your own child - and you won't.

You want to protect your child from the hurt and the coldness that you experienced and you want to protect his feelings when older. I don't know what makes a good parent but a bad parent is surely someone who doesn't care whether they will be a good parent or not and is not concerned about the welfare of their child.

Your son will never need to know how you are feeling now and it will not affect him at all - but fwiw I think it is ok to be upfront about mental illness with a child, just as you would with a physical illness. In my case I think I will never make it a secret that I was hospitalised with my son, so that it will never be a trauma for him to find out - will just tell him that mummy was quite ill after he was born, and when he gets old enough to understand thoughts and feelings gently explain that when you are ill you can get quite unhappy but that none of it has anything to do with him or means that he was unwanted in any way.

Hope that you continue to feel a little better

Morning Lela,

I am feeling better, thanks.

I know the way you feel just seems so huge and insurmountable now, but it will get better, even if you can't see that now. It will, and like fluffy says there is no way your son will ever know you felt this way. It will not effect him.

Also, remember this, as your progress through your pregnancy you will be feeling better. I wondered when you feel like you should not be having a boy, is there anything you say to yourself to try and counter that negative thought? What does the counsellor tell you to do?

YOu are doing really well. x

I know this is a terribly selfish thing to say but I worry that I wont be a good parent because I just won't enjoy having a son. I'm fully aware how shallow and awful that makes me sound.

I will make sure he is not neglected and never feels unloved or unwanted but I just feel as if I won't enjoy being a mum now. Could this just be depression talking? It doesn't feel like it is, because when I think about having a daughter I can't wait to be a mum- what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel like a terrible person for admitting this but I just kind of dread things now.

Thank you fearlessfreak it really helps me to know that someone else has felt like this, thanks for your honesty.

Yes am on ADs now as was just never sleeping and going completely out of my mind before, swore I'd never take them in pregnancy but to be fair they have kind of given me a bit of my life back. I feel as if I can just about cope some days now, but still really unhappy and feel so bad about it. I'm having counselling and trying to overcome this feeing about having a boy but also cant help trying to convince myself the day I give birth I'll get this wonderful surprise and its all been a big mistake, which is absolutley ridiculous I know.

Yes I feel all the jealousy towards people who have girls and I feel as if I am missing out on the relationship I would have had with a daughter. If this was anyone else, before i was pregnant I'd have said oh for christs sake be just be thankful for a healthy child, but even though I know thats how I should feel I just can't right now. Even stupid things like I dont like any boys names get me down, as naming your child is such a special thing and I get no enjoyment from it. Thank you so much for sharing your experience- did things change for you when your son was born or did it take a while?

Hi Lela,

Haven't been in for a bit so say hello. It does sound like you are a lot better and coping with getting through the days. Think we're all convinced your feelings about having a boy are part of depression and you will be a happy boy-mummy one day. Maybe as soon as he pops out, and you'll quickly be thinking of so many great boy names you can't decide which is the best, or maybe it'll take a bit longer. Maybe you are going to have just keep getting through the days, but hopefully the ADs will see you keep getting more positive. There is such a difference coming across in your posts.

Re:later stages - have you tried the Hypnobirthing? I was dead keen but didn't quite fit it in (we were skint and DS came early to boot). The testimonials sounded wonderful. I did antenatal yoga and aquanatal though, and I think the knowing I was doing what I could to prepare my body helped me in the mind. Even if it just puts your mind at rest a bit.

And I read Juju Sundin's birth skills. If I knew your address I just stick it in the post to you. Again, it helped me feel positive.

In the end, thank God for the great big PFI hospital with 24 hour anaesthetist. I had no pain at all! I was worried about the hurting after, but within a day or two I was just taking paracetamol. You'll know you've done something, mind, but it won't necessarily be high drama.

Take care, see you soon.

Thanks, I am booked on a hypnobirthing course and really hoping it helps. I just wish I was looking forward to baby being born but I'm n ot right now. Still, I have 3 months left (hopefully) so I pray this changes x

It will change, it really will. You wont believe the love you will feel in 3 months time.

Hows things with your DP?

Hello Lela

You really have come so far and thatsnotmymonkey is right. Things will change. They have already started to even if you don't feel they have.

You are still putting enormous pressure on yourself though. Try not to think of it as something you must sort it out before your baby arrives. This might not happen but it doesn't matter as you are on such an incredible journey. Someone said earlier that being a mum really makes you look at yourself - something that can be so painful, as you know, but ultimately I think it can only be a positive thing. I have certainly looked deep inside myself and it's been so hard but I am definitely stronger for it.

I've never done hynobirthing before but I can only think this will help as I imagine it helps you to stay calm - something we all need in those early days when our babies arrive.

You might not feel a thunderbolt of love (but then again you might). For me it was a slow burn but you have to know you do get there in the end.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you need to be kinder to yourself and think what you have achieved so far and build on that without having the pressure of thinking you've only got three months left to get better. You will come through it in your own time. You are doing so well. You have my thoughts and wishes.

Thanks I know I've been getting better, I'm just so scared of post natal depression...

Things with partner better, thanks for asking. He will be thrilled to have a little boy so I feel a bit jealous of that. I've been awake since 4.30 this morning feeling awful about it and trying to stop believing I'm really having a girl becasue it just feels so much better to believe that. I dont know, its like suddenly I have to start using only my left hand when I'm right handed, nothing feels right or natural, its like nothing fits.

Lela, it is easy for me to sit here and type, but just think about the present, the moment you are in, because you just need to focus on getting well.

Good to hear that things with your DP are good, That is a big deal and a big improvement.

I know you're right, I'm just so upset that I cant accept this, it just colours everything about the whole experience. I just had to come home from work early cos i cant stand being around people.

Lela have been a bit too busy with myself to post much but have been reading and I am relieved to see that you are improving fast (although it may not see mthat way to you).

There is only one thing out of all the thiings you want to do and that is to force yourself to be excited about having a boy. That cannot be forced and doesn't need to be. Things will run their course and you will be fine.

Noticed you've now started fretting about pnd. Pnd is hormonal and you have no way of knowing whether you will have it. My best friend has struggled with depression and hormones all her adult life and I was concernedabout her getting pnd as she seemed a prime candidate. I discussed it with her and her dh when she was pregnant. it didn't happen. Just think about today and not 3 months ahead.

You're right, you're all right, I'm just really really upset. I dont want my little boy to be a boy and its devastating me and I can't snap out of it.

I actually cant do this. I've just spoken to a friend I've not seen for ages they are coming to visit me tomorrow and I'm going to have to pretend to be happy and this is killing me. She just said oh I bet you have a little girl. I cant do this I'm feeling so horrible about it all.

Cancel your mate.

or..tell set some ground rules, if you are close and you want to, say;

"I am suffering from really bad ante-natal depression, and am really struggling. I would love to see you, but I am not sure I can cope. I need to not talk about my pregnancy with you, and I know that might be weird for you, but I hope you understand"

Do you feel like you want to see them?

I'm feeling really panickey and obsessively googling to see if they ever make mistakes about gender with the scans. I just do not feel right. The pysch says he has no concerns that I'm, in any way psychotic but this is not normal. I feel horrendous.

yes i do want to see her as she lives really far away, is only here every couple of years and we never get the chance to catch up. she desperatly wants a baby but cant and would never understand this. Anyway I cant hide from people all the time I just have to find a way to cope with not having a girl. I didn't realise until it was too late how I feel about having a son. When I found out my legs shook so much i couldnt tand up and I got kind of hysterical, why am I like this?