desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I have just contacted MNHQ....will see what happens. I really hope she posts.

Okay good. I'm hoping she is being looked after somewhere good.

If you are there Lela, and want to talk, we are here

Hoping that you are safe and feeling a bit better today x

I got a reply from MNHQ, and although they cannot give out her personal details to any of us,understandably, they will email her and ask her to post and get in touch on this thread.

Here is hoping.

Thanks MNHQ, you are bloody brilliant. I just hope it works.

Om my goodness I am so sorry if I have worried you all.

I am ok, I mean I am safe (not in hospital) and trying to sort myself out and i will post properly later.

Sorry x

Phew!!! OMG Lela, I am really pleased to hear from you I was worried, but not anymore. Thanks!

Talk to you later xx

Oh hurray! Am off on holiday today, Lela, but will try to check in when I can,

Hi Lela I'm back and glad that you're still hanging in there - will catch up soon x

Hi. It didn't occur to me that anyone would be worried about me, I thought I was probably just doing your heads in going on about the same stuff all the time.

thatsnotmymonkey you are a bloody saint. You are, all of you, incredibly kind to care about me.

I'm having a horrible couple of days, feel pretty black.

The drugs are working- I'm getting some sleep. It sounds bizarre but I need to be able to try and go to work. when I'm off there is just me and these 4 walls and all my awful scarey thoughts and I cant take it. Having to get up, make myself look ok and interact with people even though its all an act is better for me I think. The psychiatrist doesnt think I'm bad enough for hospital, fluffy and its only from 35 weeks you get in the mother and baby unit.

I havent been able to be totally open about the situation with me and my partner as I'm too scared it will identify me to someone (paranoid I know), but its difficult, we see eachother for such short spaces of time and have not been together long, the pressure is huge. I want him to think I can cope, he keeps saying, oh you're sleeping now, you're on the mend. He dreads coming home to see me, he has admitted this before. Last night I kept crying down the phone that he just doesn't love me and I'm basically just doing his head in. My sister says he needs to be taking more responsibility for supporting me through this but all I can see is that splitting us up before the baby even arrives.

My sadness and fear about having this little boy is literally like poison, I feel infected by it. I want so much to come to terms with it and look forward to his birth but I cant. I watch little boys wherever I go now and try to imagine myself being mother of one,as I can so easily with girls, and it just feels completely wrong. Its crazy. I want this to stop so badly but it just goes on and on.

Just spoke to my partner and think we are really on the verge of splitting up. It was my fault I got pregnant and I thought I could make it work because I wanted it so much. But the reality is a huge mess and I'm really really struggling here. I feel so sorry for my child. My son. I feel as if I have nothing to offer him, as if I cant even remember why I spent so many years desperate to be a mother.

Why, what happened? Oh lela, I am sure things are not so bad.

OK unplanned pregnancy, but in earlier posts you have said that he is really looking forward to it. Hold on to that.

sorry just cross posted with you. Noooooo, hes not married! We just hadnt been together that long before I got pregnant, he is from a different part of the country and is now having to move to live with me for a while which he really really doesnt want to do as this is not where he wants to live. Its very stressful and i feel horribly guilty about it.

Life is all about compromise though. If he is moving then just set that stress free, imagine it being clipped to you, and just unclip it and watch it float off.

Where will you live eventually, yours or his or somewhere new?

He is adamant we move and live out in the country, which scares the hell out of me as I feel i would be terribly isolated, especially as he works away so much.

The funny thing is I am isolated here at the moment anyway, but at least its familiar and there are plently people about even if I'm not with them.

I want him to give me a break and accept that I'm really not able to make decisions like this at the moment and I do not want to have to even think about uprooting myself for at least the first year, I need time to adjust to being a mother, somewhre I feel more secure. But he keeps on about it and how much hes hating moving here.

I am basically terrified of being a bad mother. I had tremendously bad parenting and a very insecure chaotic and unhappy childhood. I feel like I dont know what I'm doing, Idont understand boys, how am I going to bring one up?

Well, you are going to get help to give you those parenting skills. Your HV and the Childrens Centre are on hand to help and can be amazing.

From how you come across here, there is no doubt in my mind that you will be a fantastic mother. You have that strong desire to protect your baby. It is the illness talking absolute poop to think anything else.

Lela, I have to go as my friend has just arrived. I will be back in the morning hopefully.

Sleep well. x

Hi Lelarose

Glad you are back to talk. Am so sorry to hear that things are difficult with your partner at the moment. I hope that you can work something out. Having a baby can really put a strain on any relationship, but when you are unwell as well it can really make things a whole lot worse. When you start to feel better in yourself you may find that your relationship becomes easier as well.

I'll be quick as really have to get to bed. but am glad that work is helping you. It's good to hear that you are sleeping again as well as lack of sleep can make things so much worse.

You will be a great mum. You will cope. I didn't know a thing about babies or boys before I had my son. It's a steep learning curve but every mother does it - you will become an expert very quickly and instinctively you will know how to care for your son and what is best for him. You will be a great mum honestly, and because you are aware of your childhood you will not repeat things.

Take care

Lela nobody knows how to bring up a baby until they have to. As Fluffy says just because your childhood was chaotic really doesn't mean history will repeat itself. You have the power to make things different and you clearly want things to be different for your baby. And your bond will develope with him. I have a very strong bond with my first son because we muddled through together after he was born. I didn't have a clue about babies or boys when he was born. He's a lovely, bright, caring, sensative little six year old now.

I often have reality checks - oh my god do I really have three boys??? Who let that happen? Talking of which, they'll be waking up soon demanding cuddles and breakfast.

Fearlessfreak what a lovely post and all so, so true. I read that book too. I agree - boys are brilliant! I adore my three little men and they are all different too.

Hi Lela,

Glad you're back. Next time someone comments on your pregnancy try telling them you have no idea how to be a parent and you're nervous. I bet if they're a parent they'll tell you neither did they, but it osrts itself out. If you loom at some of the other forums you'll see there are as many ways to parent as there are parents. I'm not trying to diminish the validity of your feelings, just trying to put a little context around it that it is okay to feel that way and nothing to be embarassed or ashamed about, or that people will judge you for. I have a friend who had her first quite young and she says she had no idea how life would change, I think once you are a little older and know more parents you know full well life is going to change and that maybe makes it easier to deal with in a way when it happens. If you weren't apprehensive you'd be naive.

Also, how is it your fault you're pregnant? Your DP is an adult and you are not responsible for his decisions or his behaviour. He is.

thanks guys.

fearlessfreak I really appreciate you sharing your experience and I very much take on board what you say. As for my parents, I forgave them long ago and I know they were just people who made mistakes and had their own problems, it just scares me the impact thie had on my whole life, long after I left home. I dont aim to be a perfect mother, I just dont want my son to ever feel hurt or rejected by me in any way or to pick up that I was so unhappy whilst carrying him.

Saw my counsellor today and the pscyh yesterday. They both said I will be a good mum because I want to be so badly, and I try to believe this.

Thank you all so much, all your messages help an awful lot when I'm feeling so alone and inadequate.