desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

My mum hated feeling us move too - hated me talking about my dcs moving.

People do feel like this, lela - it's antenatal depression, you're not shameful and you're not alone. Remember that C4 programme? There are many others like you, and many others who have been where you are and got through it.

I've just had two of the worst hours of my life. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam in the baking heat and just became hysterical trapped in the car alone. I felt like I was suffocating and I am claustrophobic anyway and it just pushed me right over the edge. I've been screaming so loud for so long my head is throbbing. I'm not coping again. Yes I can take these drugs and go to work because I'm too scared to be at home alone but I cant escape these feelings.

The baby moving terrifies me as I feel like I dont want it to be there anymore and this makes me feel suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself I know I cant, I want to get better. To be painfully honest I actually get down on my knees and pray every day to stop feeling like this.

I dreamt of having a baby all my life and I could never ever have imagined anything like this would happen to me. I'm terrribly terribly lonely as the only person I can be honest with is my sister who I am incredibly fortunate to have but who is having a pretty terrible time herself for other reasons and really doesnt know what to do anymore.

I'm finding this unbearable.

Lela, you are not alone.

The car sounds awful, but you are home now and I hope you have taken a couple of paracetamol to take the edge of your headache. Have a tepid shower and put something comfortable on.

Have you spoken to your psych about these kind of episodes where you seems to "lose it"? What strategies have they given you to try and deal with them? Are you doing them? Are they helping.

Is posting helping, seeing it down on a screen like this?

If money were no object would you check into a private clinic?

Thank you. sorry for taking up your time. the psychiatrist only prescribes drugs. The counsellor is very good but neither of them can take this pain away and help me deal on a day to day basis with having a boy and my decision to find out I am which has resulted in this horrible, isolating mess where I am taking drugs I swore I never would. I have images of my child having mental illness in the future or being born deformed or disabled because of this.

I want to love my baby so much. I dont want to care about the sex and I wish I never found out but Icant turn the clock back. The night I opened the envelope that confirmed it was a boy very clearly marks the line between this being bearable and not. EVERYONE told me not to, but I had to do this. My partner doesnt even know there was an envelope and he would be horrified to know I feel like this about it.

And yes if I could I'd check into a private place tonight. As soon as I'm saying that I'm doubting myself tho, as i cant imagine being anywhere that anyone really understands how I am feeling and can take this guilt and fear away.

I want to explain things to my partner but I cant he will just say dont be silly you will love the baby just as much whether its a boy or a girl.

You know what your DP would say, I guess is in essence what I think too. I mean, you don't know how you will feel, but your body and mind and hormones and everything else is programmed for you to love your baby. I feel confident that that will happen for you.

However that does not negate how you are feeling now.

I don't think you are capable of making decisions at the moment, but....if you are feeling so awful, the maybe go to a clinic.

You could-
Go to your GP tomorrow, get signed off sick, and get a referral clinic.

Stay as you are, see your counsellor and psych and keep taking your meds.

How long have you been taking your meds for now?

You have nothing to be sorry for. I wish I could help you more. I really do. If I had the cash I would give it to you, and pay for a stay in the Priory.

Thats one of the nicest things I can imagine someone I've never even met saying to me. thank you so much for your kindness.

Its the decision to find out. thats whats killing me. thats what I just cannot live with. I didnt need to be going through this. I could have got through labour not knowing and then probably seeing my first chold for the first time would have made its sex not matter. and me and my partner would have got our surprise (which we bith wanted from the start).

I wouldnt have had to lie to him. I wouldnt have then let my sister, psychiatrist, counsellor etc know the sex of our child before its father, because i am so messed up about it I cant cope.

I wouldnt be on drugs.

And no clinic or therapist will ever change this.

I have a room full of baby stuff i have been buying since I found out out of guilt and I want to just go through and torch it all.

Everything is ruined.

Sorry you've had such a hard day. Wish I could magic wand the pain away for you. Would or could it be at all comforting to think that the pregnancy part will be over soon (I know you're only just over half way, but there is a finite end in sight). And then you can take your medication without feeling guilty, hopefully you can talk to your DP more freely and the mix of hormones won't be as raging (not at all saying you're hormonal but pg is not the most stable of times hormone wise as many pg ladies and their long-suffering partners will attest to, and I'm sure that could make how you're feeling emotionally even worse), plus its almost the fear of the unknown whereas in a few months time - he'll be here and you'll know how you feel, not just try and imagine the feelings you might have. Also, the fact that you found out the sex...it'll become a kinda moot point. I don't know....maybe I'm vastly oversimplifying the issue - just trying to break it down into more manageable chunks, really.

Keep talking it through on here - no-one's tired of listening.

lela you are obsessing again about your decision to find out the sex, and telling yourself that if you hadn't none of this would be happening.

This is a distorted thought.

You are suffering an illness. You were suffering before you even found out the sex. You are putting all the blame on this one single decision and utterly torturing yourself over it.

Finding out the sex has only brought forward a reality that was always there - you did not actually "change" anything or "do" anything by finding out the sex. In fact the only difference it's made has been to give you more time to come to terms with it. Which is a positive.

You need to find peace within yourself about this decision and stop torturing yourself.

getdown you are very smart, that is it totally.

Lela, can you see what Getdown is saying?

Really hope tomorrow brings you a little peace.

Hi Lela

I haven't posted for a while but have been reading and thinking of you. I am sorry you have had such a hard day.

You are beating yourself up for knowing but is it really the knowing that is the problem? Is it not the reality that your baby is a boy that is what is so hard for you? Knowing now or knowing at the moment you give birth will not change what is real. You cannot change what is happening and I really think it was right for you to find out now. The fact that this so hard for you proves to me that you need to know now. You need to let go of this guilt as it is consuming you. You are ill which is why you are obsessing with it. It's still early days with your meds and I'm sure that once they kick in you will start to stand back from this and each day will become easier. You have come so far with things you have said and done - focus on that, focus on what you can change ie your thoughts, not the reality of your baby. He is here to stay and he needs you and from what I can gather you are going to be such a wonderful mum to him - with such foresight and caring for him already.

Hi Lelarose

So sorry to hear that you have had such an awful day. Getdown is right, you were already ill before you found out the sex - it didn't precipitate this.

Feeling like you are out of control is very scary. When you are pregnant it is especially so - your hormones are way above what your normal balance is, your emotions are heightened; your baby moves unexpectedly whenever it feels like it, and as a first time mum you have the fear of the unknown to contend with - it is not suprising to feel that you have no control over your mind or body.

I wish you are able to get to a specialist unit - the mother and baby unit I went to was lovely and very unscary (large own rooms with ensuite, light and airy communal areas / kitchen etc), but what was more important that it was so calm it felt like a sanctuary, and an escape from my horrible living nightmare and gave me the opportunity to just not think for a while, then get the strength to gather myself together again. Is your GP / psychiatrist able to refer you to a mother and baby unit in pregnancy?

Please speak to your GP about getting signed off for a short while - you have so much to contend with right now that work is possibly another stress that needs lifting temporarily until you feel stronger.

You sound so full of anguish right now and you are being so hard on yourself. Do you think you could share some of what you are feeling with your husband so that you don't feel so alone with this? It might help him to know and understand how unhappy you feel but don't feel pressured to tell him more than what you need him to know right now.

Please don't feel even more guilty about the drugs. They only prescribe drugs that are evidenced to be safe in pregnancy - and only when there is genuine need. I felt guilty about taking my antipsychotics and three tranquilizers in pregnancy until I went into hospital several times in the course of a long labour and in each case was given sleeping tablets / tranquilisers to help me rest for the baby's sake - and pethidine (I think it's similar to heroin?) was offered too.

Nothing is ruined, honestly. You haven't done anything wrong - please believe me.

Lela, how are you feeling today?

Lela, I agree totally with GetDown - this is all manifestation of an illness. The reason you went to find out the sex is because you were torturing yourself with not knowing. Now you know, and there's a lot of very hard stuff for you to work through, but your illness would not just have gone away because you didn't find out the sex.

fwiw, I still think it's a good thing you found out - you're working through a lot of your pain now, before your baby is born, so you will be in a better place when he arrives. You do need to get more help, though, you know that. If you had a broken leg or a baad infection you wouldn't expect just to manage it on your own - this is an illness just the same. Keep posting, and try to get more help - it is the RIGHT thing to do, it is NOT taking up/wasting anyone's time. you are a good, kind, caring person who is in pain and needs help.

Checking in, lela. Come and tell us how you are.

yes, where are you lela? Are you ok?

I am a bit worried, is anyone else?

lela can you just give us a little keyboard tap to know you are OK? Really want to hear from you, so get in touch OK?

Yes - those last posts are very sad. Come and talk to us, lela.

worried too, especially by that very last post.

lela are you OK?

shit shit shit...is there anyway we can contact her? I mean if I contact MNHQ, they could send her an email on our behalf maybe??

I know it has only been 24 hours, but usually Lela posts in the eves.

Hope you're OK Lela...

You can report the thread the MNHQ, saying you're worried - whether they can do anything I don't know.

I haven't been able to log in for a couple of days, maybe Lela's checked in somewhere? Has anyone contacted MNHQ?