desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

LELA!!!! Oh, how brilliant! She behaved like an arse - and you saw it, and didn't cave! Hurray for you, you star.

fwiw I absolutely agree that it was the right thing to do to find out the baby's sex now - this is, as you know, a long and painful process, but by the time your wee boy is born, you'll be part way there. I am so proud of you, missus.

BUT - I want you to know this right now, while you're feeling good - I am, we all are, still proud of you and rooting for you when you post at your lowest ebb, because you are still doing the brave and strong thing and reaching out for help. You really are very strong and so impressive.

fabulous lela...bouncing round the room cheering for you here! So proud of you! You are doing so amazingly well. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back! And you bought baby clothes! Brilliant...did you get anything really cute? Clothes for you will help you feel better too, help your self esteem.
I am so amazed at the strength you have. You're going to be a fabulous mum...you already are a fabulous mum, you just can't see it yet. but we can

Woohoo! Go lela!

Brilliant!!! Absolutely brilliant. Thought that you were about to say how well the hypno appt had gone, but felt all angry on your behalf at her behaviour. But absolutely fab that you got angry at her and used the opportunity to turn a negative into a self-esteem boosting, more power to you, positive. Hurrah!

(And FWIW absolutely I think you did the right thing finding out now. As I said, it could've gone either way - maybe you wouldn't have felt so strongly - but equally it might've been much worse with the fairly hectic hormonal newborn days. I googled an article on gender stuff with comments by a mental health nurse I think and the nurse was saying that it was recommended to find out beforehand so that you could mentally prepare yourself.

WEll done lela for not allowing this silly woman to make you go spiralling down again and for choosing to do something so positive for yourself and your baby! That is sooooo good! Am really proud of you, as the others have said

It is so awful when you encounter prejudice like that, isn't it? I have struggled so much with the fact I am now seen as a "mental patient" when before all this happened to me, I was just going along like a "normal" person. It's quite hard to shake a psychiatric "label". Whenever I go to the GP now, I feel like they are viewing everything through the fact that I am "mentally ill" (I have actually been well for nearly a year now).

My GP always says, "have you talked to your CPN" and I feel like saying, "why? I am here to see YOU".

It's very frustrating. May be worth writing this person a letter to explain how her attitude upset you. But don't do it yet. Do it when you are fully better. Just put it behind you and good on you for turning this horrible episode into a positive.

I feel really positive for you that you will come through this and everything will be ok.

WOW Lela, you have had a blinding couple of days. I am so proud of you for having some sleep and gone out of the house, and speaking with so many people. You are doing brilliantly. I am just so chuffed for you, and that Hypno-therapist...well what a twat she sounds like.

I can't face the shops on a Saturday morning, so I think you deserve a bloody medal for that!

It is an uphill struggle, but you have made some significant strides.

I think you are having great communication with your counsellor too, what a relief for you. I hope you continue to have good sleep and keep the lines of communication open. You are so strong, so full of love for your little boy, I think your son is very lucky to have a mum like you.

I'm so pleased for you, I would have felt incredibly vulnerable too. The hypnotherapist was very unprofessional and insensitve, she could have found a way of saying that she didn't think it was appropriate for her to give you treatment that didn't make you feel crap. What a cow. She should have known better. I am so impressed that you turned it around, took yourself out and treated yourself. You go girl. Where did you get the baby clothes? I've been despairing of finding nice stuff lately but I cleared out an H&M today.

Hey so glad you told the clearly ignorant hypnotherapist where to go! And that you pulled on some glad rags and makeup to go shopping for yourself and your baby (clearly money much better spent than on that woman.) Bet you feel a bit better about yourself for doing that (and you're braver than me as I am to wussy to hit the shops at weekends!)

Hope you got some nice stuff and found some cute teeny tiny baby clothes.

Well done you

Oh ladies THANK YOU ALL so much for your wondeful messages. I did manage to have a better weekend because I forced myself to get out and see people and do things even though it was difficult and I felt wretched at times.

Getdown- I know exactly what you are saying about the stigma once you've had pscychiatric help, this is one reason why I haven't seen my GP since early pregnancy. Also, she knows that before this I was getting counselling for thinking that I'd never have children so its just way too painful to face her now she knows how much I'm struggling being pregnant.

Sitting here trying to psych myslef up for going back to work this week now that I am sleeping better. I am dreading facing people going on about the baby etc but the alternative is I sit here alone all day and obsess abut how bad everything is and can add missing work (and losing money) to my list of ways I'm messing everything up.

I know I did well at the weekend but I still wake up feeling everything is so dark, that I have the "wrong" baby inside me and its quite terrifying. Yesterday I was thinking about those 4d scans you get and what it would be like to have one and then I told myself no, because right now I can still pretend a miracle will happen and they got the sex wrong- I know this is nonsense but I still feel so strongly about it not being right its eating me up. Also worry continually about effect of me taking these drugs on the baby, oh its all just horrible why couldn't I just be happy I was having a healthy child and not have to do all this shit to jeapordise not only its health but my own sanity, ny relationship and my job.

I need to get ready for work now cant put it off any longer, just one foot in front of the other eh.

Thanks again you are all amazing x

Hi Lela,

Well done for pushing yourself at the weekend. Pregnancy related sickness shouldn't be counted against your sick record, as that would be discriminatory towards women.

Also, I was wondering if there was anyone at your work that you could even slightly confide in, not the whole story, just something that puts people off forever asking you about the baby, as right now they think they are being supportive and taking an interest). Maybe if you had a chat with someone and told a half truth like you have had a scan and you are really nervous about the baby being okay and you don't want to dwell on it, then the someone you tell could be relied upon to put the word about to back off a little? A friend of ours told us by text they had had a baby and we had no idea they were expecting. DH found out later they hadn't been telling anyone who didn't need to know becuase there was a high risk of Downs syndrome. While I like to think we would have been understanding if they had told us, I can also totally accept their choice not to as it was right for them. Maybe your colleagues would be mature and kind enough to understand that what you need is for them to give you some space about baby?

As I'm sitting looking at my female colleagues, all mums, I just wonder if you told your colleagues you were actually incredibly anxious about being a mum, you just might get a whole load of support you weren't expecting.

Oh, and also I was thinking more about the kind of things we used to encourage women at risk of harming themselves to do. It is a lot about finding ways to occupy your mind - it might sound daft but wordsearches, jigsaw puzzles and even colouring in (you can laugh, I find aquadraw quite hypnotic) can be quite distracting.

Better get some work done, thinking of you,

S

Thanks for the ideas but I'm in a job where I come into contact with a lot of people and I cant really not talk about it, so I just put on an act. Its good for me in a way, I just get sick of the "do you know what you're having" questions. I just say I dont know and I dont mind. Got through the day ok today until went to the supermarket and saw all these women with daughters. I really hate myself for still being upset about this, I'm so privileged to be having a child, I know that.

I have this sick dread now of going into labour. I was always dreading the phyiscal side of it but now it also feels like a psychological nightmare. So I start all the lies in my head about how I will be the first woman ever to be mistakenly told she was having a boy (I know mistakes only happen the other way round), and I feel so ashamed.

I am calmer and more rational and therefore better able to function since starting the medication but I just want to look forward to being a mother. It's horrible to have this feeling of dread, its like a nightmare sometimes.

Hello,
I've been reading the recent parts of your thread as your dread of having a boy struck a chord with me. When I was pregnant I also bristled when people said 'bump looks like a boy', or heartbeat sounded 'like a boy' etc etc, and tried to ignore all such comments despite a deep down feeling I was having a boy. I wanted a girl so bad, for many reasons, including abandoning father, growing up in all female household apart from 5 years with an alcoholic and sometimes violent stepfather-figure, and my mum saying she hated boys, pitied my aunt for having 2 and wanted me and my sisters to have girls - quite a cocktail against men!

I didn't find out at my scan and I probably should have as in those few days after the birth I felt each 'Boy' card was a personal insult - and that was after the baby had been born!!

BUT god did I feel protective and love towards my baby the moment he came out, and although it took a week or so to adjust to the fact he was a boy, he was everything a baby should be and more in my eyes, and now he's a toddler I just look at him and think - you are so perfect.

And I've had another baby boy recently - I struggled with some of the same feelings again, but again once he's arrived and I've got through those tough, tough first few newborn weeks, I'm constantly amazed how I love them so much. And I was completely, utterly, desperate for girls before - and told everyone that too! My husband was even apologetic at both deliveries when he said 'it's a boy'.

The thing to remember is that you can't possibly imagine your own baby beforehand - you can only imagine other boys that you see around and about. It's like hearing the word 'sister' and instead of thinking of your own, thinking of someone else's sister - who would mean nothing to you. But your baby will be utterly your own and you will see your face and your dp's face in his features, and he will look perfect to you, just like you imagine the perfect baby should look (at least, after the post-birth swelling of their faces has gone down!).

What I'm trying to say is - don't wait for a thunderbolt moment at birth, but do be reassured that over the first few weeks, you will grow an enormous bond with your new baby which will make you think all other babies look 'wrong', whatever their gender.

I hope this helps, and will now butt out of your thread!

Lela, I know that you are still feeling rough, but I have to say the progress you have made and the tone of your posts have changed alot in the last few days. I wanted to give you positive recognition for that. You really have come far.

Would it be fair to say that the medicine is sort of working?

I don't know what your birth plan is, have you spoken about it with your MW?

It might be worth considering your birth plan and making sure you have explored ALL your options. I think maybe for you, an element of pre-planning and some sense of control would be good? The best piece of advice I can give you is be flexible in your options and be prepared to throw your birth plan out of the window on the day.

When do you talk to your counsellor again?

I see the counsellor at the end of this week. No one has talked to me about a birthplan yet, but am doing a hypnobirthing course - thats if they dont tell me I'm too mentally ill for that as well...

Thanks for telling me your experience porcupine but it makes me think you did the right thing not finding out at your scan as you maybe didnt wreck your head during pregnancy and end up having to take drugs as a result.

Back to wishing I never found out the sex. Round and round and round it goes. But the thing is I was already crying saying I didnt want it to be a boy before I found out, I had people telling me at least once a week (and still do)that they were sure it was a boy, was starting to obsessively look into all the old wives tales (had every single symptom of carrying a boy according to them), and was starting to actually pray for a girl. So, realistically how could I not have found out? I needed to know if there was the slightest chance I could be living in needless fear. I just really, really hate myself for doing so and for feeling like this as a result.

Oddly enough, I have met one woman who had an even worse emotional breakdown during pregnancy than me- she was in a horrific state, and most of her stuff was based on the exact same fear. She said she was cured literally the moment the baby was born. She had a girl. I think of that every day and it hurts deeply every time and I feel so jealous.

What the hell am I going to do?

sorry porcupine, realise I just sounded totally dismissive of your post there which was actually very thoughful and made a lot of sense. On a better day it would really help. Sorry I'm just feeling shit about it all today x

Hypno-birthing, me too, I did that and it really helped! I used to do the CDs at night before I went to bed. Good on you!

I know you feel like you were meant to have a girl. You are having a baby first though, the sex although a huge deal to you, will feel secondary when you meet your baby. It is immense and engulfing the love you will feel. You are so lucky to be coming close to having that very raw and very special feeling of holding your newborn.

I honestly pray to god you are right. Maybe if I'd not found out the sex in advance I would have had the chance to experience that without all this fear beforehand, all these hideous negative thoughts about my own child and taking drugs which could potentially harm him.

I realise I'm just going round in circles about this here its just very very painful and I cant help blaming myself.

I do all this bargaining in my head- if I can just find out its all a mistake I'll be a better person, I'll do anything, just make these thoughts go away.

I know it must be really frustrating hearing me go on and on about the same thing and unable to be at peace with myself. I know how obsessive I sound. This is why I thought hypnotherapy might help haha- just to change the bloody record maybe cos I cant stand this any more.

You know you have hit the nail on the head, it so right that you need to put a new message in your head. You will get there though. I know that, you know it too.

You know one day this will be a memory and you will marvel at how much it affected you. I know easy for me to say.

You are not frustrating me, not in the least! I just want you to know that there are alot of people on this thread, and we all support you and are in your corner.

I know, thank you all.

In a funny way going to work and pretending to be ok is my way of trying to change that record, becasue when I'm alone in the house I can't make the thoughts stop.

I think this is amybe some form of OCD. I just really dont know what to do about it.

Drugs are helping, just cause huge guilt as well though.

Lela, I don't think not finding out would have helped, tbh - you'd be just as distressed, in a frenzy of wondering.

It's not frustrating, hearing the circles you're going through, it's understandable, and I think people would worry if you weren't posting like this. It kind of makes sense, iyswim?

I think seeing your counsellor again may help - to me it seems that it's not about not wanting this particular boy, or a boy, but of having to deal with not having the daughter you want. And that is something you can work on with your counsellor - why was it so important to have a girl? It seems to me like you feel that a girl would help "fix" something for you, and if that's the case, then the fixing will have to be done another way, and a better way, that doesn't place expectations on a new person, iyswim?

Lela, I think same as Habbibu about asking your counsellor to help with coming to terms with the not having the daughter you want (this time round...I know you say you and DP can't go through this again - but parent's minds are programmed to forget and make you want to do it all again!). I said before its a grieving process you're going through from the loss of the dream of the daughter you had in your head, and everything that entailed girl-mother relationship wise. You've mentioned trying to pretend its not happening (denial), depression and now bargaining - which I'm pretty sure are all stages of grief. And the light at the end of the tunnel will be acceptance at some stage...

It's all a process and you do sound more positive in your tone, even if deep down you still feel lost at sea. Little by little!

Oh, gosh, yes, zam - they are indeed stages of grief; I hadn't made that connection, but yes, you're absolutely right.

I had thought of that too, because I know I veer from denial to anger at the moment. I hate women who have daughters!!! (I dont really)

I cant explain it and yes there is obviously a deep psychlogical root, just everything about having a daughter felt right to me, it "fitted". I had names for her as well, where I get so upset I cant name my son. Nothing anyone suggests feels right. I know I will but wont feel entirely happy with it, sounds a trivial thing but it all just feels wrong, like its not supposed to be happening.

I feel like this is the real reason why my much wanted pregnancy has been so hard from the start, like I couldnt figure out why it felt so difficult from the beginning.

To be honest, I probably dont have the fertility to do this again, the way things are going my relationship may not survive, and also I still may never have a girl even if I could get pregnant again in the future. Feel like I cant breathe sometimes this is just so scarey.

I'm really not doing so good, the baby is moving about loads and I hate the feeling its realy freaking me out.

Was talking to someone this morning going on about what a wonderful feeling it is watching your belly move and feeling the kicks etc but I hate it, I find it really alarming.

What the hell is wrong with me, how am I going to get through the rest of this?

The worst, most shameful bit is its mainly because I just dont feel like its my baby, because its a boy.

I am managing to act sane and everyone at work thinks I'm well and happy- but am i really psychotic? I mean really, who feels like this when they are carrying their own innocent child?

Why is it alarming though? Is it because it seems so real?