desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

I can't write much as I'm in a real hurry, will try to post again later, but wanted to check in on you.

Sorry you're feeling low. What do you have to look forward to? The most amazing love you have ever felt. Watching your little boy turn into a man, a wonderful, kind and caring man like you and your DP. Laughter, love and meeting a whole new person that is unique and yet so familiar you can't imagine you haven't known them all your life. In short, love. Love like you've never known before.
It might not happen right away and you first have to get through to the birth (don't be scared of it...you'll be OK), but all of this love and wonder is to come.
Sending you hugs and hair stroking.
xx

Back this evening.

I don't mean you're a man, I mean he'll be loving like you and a man like your DP

The purest most engulfing love of your life.

There are no ways to describe it really. It is amazing. Every millimeter of their body will mesmerise you, every move and sound will captivate. You will waste whole days just looking at them, tending to them. It is wonderful.

Have you spoken to your MW about an elective C-section?

Can your dp see your counsellor? He may need help in helping you get through this.

And things to look forward to - lots and some pragmatic ideas for you, but will have to come backj after lunch - need to pick up from playgroup and sort out insurance before my car becomes illegal...

If you're awake at 4am, then get up, make some tea and stick on a DVD. Get out of that poor weary head of yours. Get in some DVDs that are funny and will distract you.

Sorry you had a crap night's sleep.

So what's to look forward to...so, so much. Depth of love, knowing you'd wrestle a lion to protect this little man, watching them sleep, watching them awake, all the firsts (first smile, first wee over you, first weebly lolling head being held up right to look at you), their smell, how proud you are when they do/say/achieve/try hard at something.

I'm a bit of an insomniac on and off. I really liked 'I can make you sleep' by Paul McKenna and I'm currently reading 'Control Stress: stop worrying and feel good now!' by same blokey. Again...I'm finding it pretty good - especially like this bit for relaxing your mind - I do this several times at night while in bed and it really helps dispel my worrying thoughts and help me drop off to sleep.

'Use your most comfortable, tired, drowsy voice, as if telling yourself a bedtime story. Simply say each of the following to yourself as you follow your own instructions...

Now I relax my eyes
Now I relax my jaw
Now I relax my tongue
Now I relax my shoulders
Now I relax my arms
Now I relax my hands
Now I relax my chest
Now I relax my stomach
Now I relax my thighs
Now I relax my calves
Now I relax my feet
Now I relax my mind...

Pause for a while to notive the feelings and if you wish, repeat it.'

More you do it, easier it becomes. And I kinda feel like I can feel the stress and tension seeping out of me replaced by calm. So maybe when you're lying in bed stressing and having all these negative worrying thoughts racing around your head try that little exercise (or maybe get a relaxation CD to listen to...they're pretty good too - the book comes with a CD - and I got it from my library, but probably pretty cheap on Amazon).

xxx

Lela, how are you feeling?

Hi Lelarose,

Even though the last couple of days have been hard you have come such a long way and we are still here willing you on and we would love you to see yourself as we see you, and you have been honest with us. You are on the ADs, you seem to have found professional help that you can communicate with better.

I was phobic about giving birth. If anyone tried to tell you it would be easy peasy you wouldn't believe them, would you? But modern medicine is a wonderful thing, in the end I had an epidural and hardly felt a thing. I wasted a whole load of fear and anxiety on that, and it was a useful lesson.

What to look forward to? Oh, the cuddles you will have! And that first laugh may very well turn your world upside down.

You have come through so much already, you are going to get through this, and there will be good days.

Just checking in, Lela, to see how you're doing. Will post properly later.

I'm falling apart.

Oh, lela. What has happened today?

Have to pick up dd from playgroup now, lela - will check back in asap.

Lela we are here and we want you to tell us what is going on. We want to hear it xx

I have pretty much stopped sleeping at all, medicated or otherwise.

The truth is my partner didnt really want this child at first and then he came round to it and is in the process of giving up everything so he can come and live with me.
Its too hard to explain without giving too many specific details (obviously I would die if anyone knew who I was), but he really has made huge sacrifices for me and is now suffering quite badly as a result.

And the woman who he is doing all this for? I am a wreck. I am consumed with fear and guilt. I dont sleep. I tell my work I have "migraines". I add constant stress to him and he didnt deserve any of this. I reach out for professional help but its not enough to get me through this.

Everytime I start falling asleep through sheer exhaustion (awake since 4am yesterday morning) I think about having a boy and have a mini panic attack that keeps me awake even longer. The guilt and the pressure are too much. He's gone out and I cant even get dressed. I was just coping til I found out the sex of the baby and now thats just tipped me over the edge. I'm obsessed with how I'm not going to be able to love my child and none of us will ever be happy and it will all be my fault. My plan in the early hours of this morning was to kill myself after the birth and let my sister bring the baby up.

Am aware how this sounds- it sounds like i should be in hospital. If I genuinely thought that would help I'd go today but i know it wont. I'm so so scared my whole body hurts.

Can you call your psychiatrist? I just don't think you atre in a position to know whether something will help or not, and you need someone in your team to know where you are with this now. Please call someone asap. Your plan and your guilt are not what your partner wants.

I have called them, no answer but left a message.

They have done all they can for me- given me medication and offered me chance to speak to nurse. Neither helping yet. I have to get over this boy thing but I just cant. all i see is me rejecting my baby.

I'm not threatening suicide honestly i just dont know how to live right now.

That's not all they can do, lela. You've only just started this medication and they won't be certain about dosage, time to kick in, etc. What about the counsellor? Call her and see if you can arrange another appointment asap. You are in a dip, and need help to get out of it.

have to get children to bed. back soon

oh lela I'm so sorry to hear things are still so tough for you. I wish I could just be there with you and sit with you for a while.

I know how lonely those early hours are - when it feels like everyone in the world is sleeping apart from you

I think you need to push for more help. Yes, hospitalisation if you need to. If you are thinking of suicide AT ALL, regardless of now or after the birth, you need emergency help.

There are inpatient unit specialising in perinatal - that's before birth as well as after the birth.

It strikes me that this thing about the sex is just a symptom of an underlying mental health problem - it is coming out under this guise, but there really is more to it. If you found out you were having a girl would all this go away? No, I don't think so. You weren't sleeping before you even found out the sex. There is more to this.

I believe that when you get well, the fact that you have a boy and not a girl will be much more easy to accept.

When I was unwell I was totally irrational and it felt like the whole world was "wrong" - it's only when you get well again you realise how distorted your thoughts were.

Hugs to you xxx

Lela, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bleak.

Stop beating yourself up. You are ill. Maybe you need to be in the hospital. Why is that so bad?

Your thoughts are not logical or rational. You are not well at all and you will get better.

Has the psych called you back yet?

Just quickly checking in, lela - don't worry about anyone finding who you are - if I found out you were someone I knew I would be straight round to hug you and help you any way I could. It does seem there is something big underlying this, sometimes it sounds like you hate yourself - you don't need to do this to yourself. I have seen women in such a bad place mentally and emotionally and I have seen them come through it and enjoy life again - it can be done. Please let people help you, try the psych again, we all want to support you but you need a professional to know how serious this is. Let people help you through this - people care about you and they will still care when they know all the darkest thoughts and feelings you have shared with us and maybe more that you haven't. It is only you who is judging you harshly, everyone else is just reaching out to you and help you through.

Where are you based, I am Somerset.

Whoops! sent to early, I mean maybe I could look into support groups or the like in this area if you live here too?

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a stalker

Thank you all.

The psychiatrist wasnt in today but is calling me back tomorrow, but I dont know what to say to them. I do know that I would not get put in a prenatal psychiatric ward at this stage, you only get in there after 35 weeks. The though of being on a normal ward is too horrible to contemplate right now.

getdown I think you are right I do have underlying mental health issues to be feeling this way, but I just cant imagine feeling any attachment to a baby boy or enjoying his upbringing and yes, this does make me hate myself.

My partner would never understand why I'm so down and it would hurt him. He knows I have depression now but not why. Things are so strained between us already. I am desperate to get better before the birth as having post natal depression when I will be alone so much with the baby would just be horrendous.

I just cant ever seem to get a sleep so that my head is clear enough to deal with everything. I'm so exhausted I cant think straight or even leave the house some days. I'm really lost.

Sorry, I cant say where I am, makes me too paranoid.

You know, confessing things to your DP might be what saves your relationship.

That's fine about your location, no worries

Maybe if you can talk to your psych then you can push to be put into the correct ward?

Work- get signed off sick. How badly off would you be finacially if you did that? I mean could you survuve- just?

I really feel for you x

You can read out what you've said on this thread to the psychiatrist. Ask how long it will be before the ADs start to show an effect. Ask what talking therapies are available.