desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hi Lela I'm going away for a week so don't go thinking see they're losing interest - I'm not.

we're camping and there's wi-fi but no electric so...

will catch up when back

Don't give up!

willsurvivethis, have a lovely break x

Lelarose, hang on in there. The anti-D's will kick in soon and I'm sure you'll manage to get more sleep when they do and perhaps begin to rationalise things. Don't beat yourself up about your thoughts, they are out of your control so you shouldn't feel guilty. Easy for us to say I know but honestly, you're in the middle of it and not thinking clearly whereas all of us looking in have a different perspective and no one is condemning you at all so you shouldn't do it to yourself. At some point things will start falling into place before the baby is born, I'm sure of it. If you can sign off work do so for a few days, even weeks. Take care.

I cant be off work all the time and be stuck in the house alone all day it terrifies me. I just need to be able to sleep. Last night I had a huge panic attack in the middle of the night and really worried my partner. We will be separated again soon and I dont know how I'm going to cope.

It seems as if the temazipan is just getting me to sleep for a couple of hours and then I wake up with horrendous anxiety, worse than ever. so its causing more problems than its solving. I am constantly full of adrenalin and sleep deprived but I cant just hide away from everything all the time because its when I'm alone I have the worst thoughts.

Missed call from psychiatrist this morning and now cant get back to him, just at my wits end really.

Where is your DP going? You must be terrified. Have you seen your sister recently?

When you wake in the night, what do you do?

Have you gone back to the doctors and asked about the dosage/suitability of the medicine?

If you are sacred and lonely in the day, have your tried calling the Samaritans?

Lots of questions! Sorry.

Your dp needs help too, just as he would if you had any other sort of illness. Have you called your counsellor?

My dp is away to finish off some work he has to do in another part of the country. He's doing it all for us so I cant complain. He's just away now, ang god love him he deserves the break as I have done nothing but cry and freak out for the last few days.

We had a good talk and he says he has felt exhausted watching me stress myself out about one thing after another ever since I got pregnant. He says as soon as one fear is put to rest (I was practically paralysed with fear before my 12 week scan) I have moved onto something else. And he is right. I am a huge catastrophiser and pregnancy has just sent this out of control. I can see this objectively sometimes but once I am inside the fear I cant see anything else IYSWIM. I told him I can only describe it as if a tap has been turned on inside my head and cant find any way to turn it off.

I have been thinking all day about how I'm going to cope here on my own again and the answer is I dont really know but I have to get better. I cant keep turning to my sister, she has enough stress of her own she really does. I cant take any more temamzepan either, and my main fear is this total lack of sleep.

I want to try and explain that there are close male relatives of mine who have very serious mental health issues and are abusive. It takes a lot for me to admit that on here but I think it is part of the reason I am terrified to have a boy. I keep thinking they will somehow turn out mentally ill, even though my dp has never had any such issues. I had an extremely unhappy childhood and never had any positive male figures in it and I do have difficulty relating to males in some ways. I realise this is all stuff i need to address and for the next few months before my baby arrives that is my mission in life. If I have a child while I'm still in this frame of mind it will be a disaster.

Does anyone have any wisdom about ways to cope with severe anxiety or totally obsessive thinking, ie different types of therapy or any drugs that helped you that I may be able to safely take?

How did those of you who have recovered from stuff like this actually do it?

Please help me to believe I can beat this.

No words of wisdom here from me, but you have my support.

I am so sorry to here that you have had negative and abusive males in your life. That is rotten. I wonder if you should start another thread about what you said here:

"Does anyone have any wisdom about ways to cope with severe anxiety or totally obsessive thinking, ie different types of therapy or any drugs that helped you that I may be able to safely take?"

I think while on this thread you have people who are sympathetic and supportive, maybe you are not getting the specific recommendations you need?

Although someone did talk about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy?

I am not for one second saying stop posting on this thread, but start another one too? Maybe?

The baby boy you are having is a product of you and your DP, and you will love and care for him, nurture him and watch him grow into a confident, loving, stable little boy, adolescent, young man, adult.

Lela, you are such a strong person who is thoughtful and aware. There is no way you could harm your son. We both know that. Your depression is warping things. Keep telling yourself this. Keep saying positive messages to yourself.

Thank you for sticking with me and being so supportive from the very start of this thatsnotmymonkey. I think you're amazingly kind.

I am so full of fear that I havent even really been able to eat today but I'm going to try to.

I still cant make peace with my decision to find out the babys sex and it just goes round and round my head. Keep thinking if only I'd let things be i might not have got so ill. I wasnt great before, but I was just about coping.

i try an dtell myself my son will be like my dp and i will live him just the same as a daughter but I dont believe it yet and its really harrowing.

I literally ache inside because of the decsion I made that has led to this breakdown.

Has anyone ever done anything they regret that much and got over it?

You know, the decision you made and the fact that you are having a boy are just the triggers to your condition.

Would it be fair to say you are having a break down? If it wasn't having a boy, then something else would have come up I think.

Everyone has regrets and it is all about making peace with yourself. Forgiving yourself. You have accept what you have done and try and forgive it. This is where strategies would be useful.

What you doing tonight? Ferris Buelers Day off is on Film Four. I love that film.

Hi Lela,

I think you have taken another big step today, well done for telling us about the males in your life. You must see that if someone else was telling you this you would tell them they had nothing to be ashamed of if they had been subjected to or witnessed abuse, in fact, to experience that and become a thoughtful and brave person is something to be proud of. I know it is difficult not to feel responsible somehow, even though it is ridiculous to feel that way.

In a small way I can relate to what your DP said about once one thing is resolved, you worry about the next thing.

My waters broke about a month early and I was in hospital for a few days, sent home and told to come back a few days later to be induced. From then I just constantly worried about whatever was going to happen next, as soon as it happened or didn't happen I was set on the next thing. That is partly why I had an epidural throughout - they couldn't examine me I was so tense.

All that stress, and everything I worried about either didn't happen at all (like I didn't need a C section) or it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be (didn't really have any labour pain) or even if it did, the worry didn't help (like being examined). In fact, when does the worry ever help? I used to feel like I need to worry and if I didn't then something would go wrong. Now that is clearly bollocks, isn't it? The worry does not help in fact, it mostly makes everything worse. I worry a whole lot less than I used to.

I can really see why you are afraid about having a boy now. Quite a few of my relatives have had mental health problems (my gran, aunts, uncles) and my parents worried that me and my brother would too. I have suffered from anxiety but I have never needed medication. It has got better with some counselling, reading, good friends etc. My parents were not perfect, they made mistakes in bringing us up, but we have both turned out pretty basically happy. Your boy is not pre-destined to be an abuser or mentally ill. You will be a loving mum, you may make mistakes, that's fine, all mums do, you are loving enough, thoughtful enough and strong enough to bring him up to be a strong, loving, thoughtful man to be proud of.

I have worked with actively suicidal people, some of them had the strongest reasons you could imagine for feeling that way, who have done the worst crimes. They are not all evil people, they have had shit lives and made terrible, terrible mistakes. I have seen people like that survive, come to terms with what they have done and the lives they have had and find happiness. I don't think they would have managed it without opening up to people about how they came to be where they were though.

You are stronger than you think and getting stronger day by day, even though some days are so hard for you. I hope the AD and psych help you get the anxiety down to a manageable level. Loads of Love,

S

poppymouse how did these people get better?

I have been awake for so long now I dont know what I'm doing. I went to bed at 9pm and listened to a self hypnosis tape and tried to forgive myself, but same as last 2 nights, every time I drift off panic keeps me awake.

The only person I have is my sister and I have text her but she says she cant speak to me tonight.

I just took a temazipan even though I know its just keeping the cycle of anxiety going. Its killing me what this is doing to the baby. I wish there was somewhere safe I could go where people could look after me and help me get better. I know without any doubt that a psychiatric ward is not that kind of place, or I would literally walk into one right now and ask them to keep me.

Are there any alternatives? I will borrow money if thats what it takes. I cant do this any more I'm too scared. Are there places that can help people like me?

Please just tell me there is a safe place for me somewhere.

An nhs psychiatric ward is not one.

I think I'm just too ill now to be home alone anymore and I dont know where to go.

Except one sister who cant help I have no family.

Hi Lela,

I really have to run , but just seen this today and things sound bad. I am so sorry to hear about the men in your life and can understand your fears a little better now, but it doesn't mean your child will grow up the same.

can you speak to your psychiatrist urgently?

Thinking of you. will try to post later.

xx

Have you considered The Priory? I would hate to think of you getting into debt though...

Honestly psychiatric wards are not that bad - when you are very ill they really are the best and safest place for you.

How are you feeling today?
x

http://www.priorygroup.com/ here is the link to the Priory

You can call them direct and talk to them without a \GP referral- 08452774679

How are you feeling today?

Thanks I looked at the Priory website in the early hours of this morning and I think it costs about £3000 to stay there for a week.
So, not much chance of that really.

I have hit rock bottom. Every time the psychiatrist calls me back I miss the call because I cant get my phone to work properly. All I want is to sleep. Its now become impossible for me to get better as I dont have the mental and physical resources due to never sleeping more than 2 hours a night.

My poor, stressed, exhausted sister came round at 7am after I had been awake all night and called begging for help. She got me in the shower and took me to the counsellor. I'm now sat in her house alone as she has gone out. The walls were closing in on me at home.

I cant deal with my work as I cant admit I've got these problems. My employment situation is very complicated and precarious anyway. Yes, for a few hours today I have my sister and I'm extremely grateful for that, but then what. she has her own life and she's going away soon anyway.

I am totally broken I'm in bits and pieces.

Lela,

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad and I am going away for a few days. I am really sorry.

£3000, for one week!! Wow that is alot. Could you call the number though and talk to them?

Stay with your sister.

I will call them. Thanks. For everything. Enjoy your time away xxx

Sorry you're feeling so bad. Do you (or your partner) have any private medical insurance - Bupa or whatever?

Don't know where you are based - but my GP mentioned the Cardinal Clinic as very, very good (for my DS was having phobic issues with food - but treat huge range of stuff.)

www.cardinalclinic.co.uk/more_info.asp?current_id=64

This is the emergency number - 01753 848510 and the blurb that goes with it below....

"If you need any advice out of office hours or feel like you do not know where to turn, feel free to phone our number. One of the nurse therapists will be available to take your call and offer help

Should you need more extensive time you will be encouraged to attend for an out-patient session with a Psychiatrist. There is a charge for this service.

If you are not within reasonable distance of Windsor, you are still more than welcome to phone us and we can try to offer any advice we can."

Might be worth giving them a ring anyway even if you're not in the area.

Hugs Lela...

Hi Lela, the people I know who have come through it had medical help, medication and seeing psychologists and counsellors. They would tend to have people with them/watching them for a lot of the time and a degree of structure to their day with people on hand to encourage them to get up, wash, dress, eat, engage in some activity and exercise and take their mediction. Being alone and bored is not good for one's mental health at the best of times. I think a structured environment with company and distraction would help a lot. Your mind has got so accustomed to being frantic, you are going to need help to break the cycle, but once you do you will feel the benefits. I don't have personal experience of psychiatric wards so I can't say. If you don't go into a residential setting, could you try to replicate any of the things I mentioned - some structure, activity, company, distraction? Wish I could help you more, I know it is so hard and these are the last things you wan to be doing but sometimes we found simple things like having a wash, getting some exercise and keeping the brain busy with puzzles can lift someone's mood.

Keep going, how long have you been on the ADs now?

I have been on a psychiatric ward. Yes, poppymouse is right there are some structured activities. They have occupational therapists now who run groups such as art classes, creative writing etc. It is not as bad as you might think.

Part of the reason it felt awful was because of the illness, not because it really was awful. And as you know, being at home is awful anyway when you are in this state, so would it really make a difference if you were admitted? At least there you would be safe and have someone to talk to 24 hrs a day if necessary.

One night when I couldn't sleep I got up and talked with the night staff and it really helped to calm me down and know I was not alone. At home I would have been going out of my mind.

Also there are fewer pressures on you when you are admitted e.g. there is no cleaning or cooking or whatever to feel guilty about.

I have just called both those places.

They both actually cost £4500 a week to be admitted to and neither could suggest any alternatives to what I'm already doing, ie seeing a psychiatrist and taking drugs.

I had a kind of revelation with the counsellor today. I said I feel so terrible because dont feel like I just want a child I want a daughter. I realised that maybe my obsession with needing to give birth to a little girl has something to do with wanting that little girl to be me, my second chance at being me, and to give her all the love and care that I have never experienced from my mother.

Please dont judge me for this I'm not proud of it. And what I've realised is that my little boy needs me just as much as that little girl and I'm trying to hang on in here so that one day I am able to give him everything he needs and more. I just need to get better first before I can be his mum.

getdown and poppymouse sorry I just cross posted with you. Thanks for explaining about the wards. I think its the lack of privacy that really scares me and being forced to be around people even iller than I am, as I wouldnt get my own room. The big problem with being at home like this though is the isolation especially when I'm awake all night.

Still no call back from psych and just too tired to leave the house.