desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Hey lela, it sounds like progress has been made again, which is great. I am glad that your DP has listened to you and you feel like you could tell him more this time.

It feels like progress is being made, don't you think so?

Taking the medicine I think is the right move, there will be safe ones to take, so be confident in that.

I think that your feelings WRT having a wee boy are just honest and is something you will have to work on. I amazes me how you able to be so open with yourself. Many people would shy away from these feelings and bury them inside. It is really healthy of you that you are "facing your fears" You are dealing with it, that is what is important.

I took my DS who is 18m out today to see a jazz band. He strolled around in the sun charming the pants off everyone. He danced to the band, shouting "Mummy, music!" Having a wee boy is lush. You'll get there.

When do you see your counsellor again?

I see them again end of next week.

As for being honest with myself, yes I've never had the ability to do otherwise which actaully makes life very difficult. Throughout life everyone has always said I'm too hard on myself but I find it very hard not to be over this.

Found out a friend just had another baby girl last week- almost all of dps friends have daughters- and I felt sick with jealousy. I feel as if I have absolutely nothing to look forward to about being a mother now which just makes me feel like the lowest of the low. Dp would just be appalled if he knew how I felt about this. We spent ages trying to come up with a boys name I like, which I have been tring and still failing to do for months and it made me feel even bleaker. Just so want this to end, so want to feel more positive.

Dp tells me to go out and see people, stop isolating myself but just so dont want to right now. Cant stand facing people when I should be happy but am dying inside.

Thanks so much for you message and sorry I'm sounding so full of self pity, just really depressed.

Well, I think that when you are depressed, it is really hard not to be tough on yourself, it is the nature of the beast isn't it?

Feeling like this possibly something that you will have to manage for a while and that is OK. The honesty thing, well yes be honest, be see the good in yourself as well. Have you been talking to yourself in the mirror, trying to forgive yourself?. It is important that you recognise how far you have come and what you are doing well.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

If you can manage to see some people that you are comfortable with, then yes do it, just a little. Are you working tomorrow?

Have you got any friends who have little boys?

Let your husband name the baby if it is easier, it is not all on you.

What kind of names do you like- traditional? biblical? modern?

You are not full of self pity. Don't say sorry

I do take on board what you say about your lovely ds by the way. He sound gorgeous. I dont dislike little boys I just feel so so strongly that mine should have been a girl. I cant explain it its just a horrible feeling and nothing is quite right as a result. Have about 3 months left to face up to this I'm just praying something happens to help me change my feelings. I'll do any therapy or take any drugs if I have to just want not to feel like this.

it will all come together gradually lela, you've come so so far already even if it doesn't feel like it yet.
I think it is a very good decision to take the ADs, they will help to at least take the edge off some of the feelings. It's OK to feel loss and grieve for the loss of your dream and OK to feel jealous of people who have what you wanted. Be kind to yourself. Would you like to talk to us about any names you liked?
I liked the idea of non blue clothes too, there are some lovely little jungle themed outfits and cream ones with pretty teddies on.
You have come so far over the course of this thread, it's amazing and you've done that pretty much all by yourself and for your baby. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. What an amazing, strong, loving mother you are going to be, that is one lucky little boy.

Sorry just cross posted with you there. I will have to work tomorrow, absolutely dreading it.

Yes I have several friends with little boys. They are nice enough and my friends are very happy with them, they are just not what I want in my life. Saying that is spoilt and horrible and makes me feel so bad for my baby.

I cant let dp choose name as it would annoy me for ages if he made choice I wasnt totally happy with. I am having great difficulty coming up with something thats not too overused, or what he perceives as tacky as I quite like some modern names. I had 3 girls names picked that I loved.

About once a day I get to the point where I feel like this cant really be happening. Everything seems totally surreal and I tell myself that the sonographer got it wrong and this is all just a big mix up that I will look back on one day and laugh. I know this is impossible but it makes me feel calm for about 3 minutes before reality sinks in again. Admitting that really makes me feel as if I dont deserve to be a mother at all.

takingthe plunge thank you that is a lovely thing to say you are very kind and I wish I could believe that.

I would share the names I came up with but it makes me too paranoid about identifying myself, especially as there is a very specific and extremely annoying reason why I am reluctant to use the one which we actually both like.

Your kindess really touches me thank you x

Fair enough, I just thought I could tell you some names I like.

My DH named our baby, then I renamed him!

Why can't you get signed off sick? Or start your MAT leave early?

I'd love to hear the names you like.

The problem with taking time off sick is that it has financial implications for me and also I really need a reason to get out of the house and not obsess about this 24/7. When I was off last week I pretty much just sat here and felt suidical about it.

I dont want to start my mat leave becasue i want more time off at the other end of it if you see what i mean, and like I say it just gives me more time to brood on this and build up more fear.

However, if I cant sleep it may still come to that (being off sick I mean).

shall we talk names?
My DS is Nicolás (we live in Spain) we also liked Alexander, Thomas and I love James but it would have been mispronounced here as Ha-mes . Are you sure you can't use the name you both like?

I have a Nathan Isaiah - and he's beautiful

I would like to use the name we both like but am worried there is a reason people would make smart comments about it for a reason which I'm a bit worried to tell you in case it says too much about me, but maybe in time I wont care so much what other people think or say.

I also always wanted to call my child something a bit unusual and I think its a very popular name these days. Again that probably shouldnt matter.

Have been given 2 types of drugs and am now worried about taking both in case the psychiatrist didnt realise you shouldnt mix them. I need one to help me sleep tho and have already taken the other. Am i just being really paranoid?

It is so hard when you are pregnant and you need all the help you can get, although sometimes you don't no the best route to take.
But i think you obviously care about your baby and should not feel guilty in any way.But i no that feeling of thinking 'if i say something out loud then it might make people think i am not fit to be a mother'! I have 2 children and i have days where i say i am leaving, then i go into a panick thinking what if anything did ever happen!!
But if you are anything like me then you will love your child/children no matter what.
Sleep deprevation is an awful thing and holding down 2 jobs is hard enough without being pregnant.
I don't always like going to GP's but sometimes it is for the best. And look up for groups you can maybe go to before you have the baby, any parent groups?
Talking to people does not make the problem go away but does make it bit easier. Hope you sort it out soon, and you and baby are ok x

I think you are being cautious about the medicine, and it would be wise to double double check with your Psych.

Do you mean that if you give too much away on here, someone in RL might know you? Mumsnet is HUGE so I would doubt that. Names are personal and have a connection to you and special meaning to you. People may love or hate it.

My DS is Fergus William. Fergus has been met with love or , I couldn't give a toss! He is such a little sprite.

I love Nathan and Nicolas, both very classic.

I like;
Joel
Walter
Max
Sam
Fintan
Rowan
Arlo
James

At the moment, but more names come and go. I like Rowan for a boy or girl.

just read about names, people say my children have weird names ha ha but who cares! they are you children!!

Todays a really bad day and I dont know what to do anymore. I took the medication last night and slept for a total of about 3 hours. I just lie there feeling horrendous and dreading the baby being born.

My pregnancy wasnt really planned. I had not been with my dp very long and we were not living together yet. We had talked about a baby in the future and my biggest fear then was that when I actually tried to I wouldnt be able to conceive. I was completely stunned when I found out I was pregnant, the first few weeks were just complete shock. Then the anxiety kicked in-I imagined my partner would leave me, the baby would be severely disabled, there was something wrong with me physically and its never really stopped. Dp has been supportive to a great extent but is way out of his depth with my state of mind and its put massive presure on our relationship, which the earlier than planned pregnancy has already done anyway.

To get through all the other anxieties I just kept telling myself this is my lovely little girl, this is the daughter i always dreamed of. It kept me going. Then all the remarks about how everyone was "sure" I was carrying a boy. So that triggered the next huge bout of anxiety because deep down I knew I'd be gutted to find out it was a boy but felt too ashamed to admit this.

What do you do when you have just messed everything up? I feel as if I've ruined my own, my partner's and my child's lives.

I had a really important day at work today and have had to cancel it as I just couldnt function this morning. Then my dp has had some bad news and hes really upset. I have definately helped cause a bad situaton for him by stressing him out so much recently and all of this is just tearing me apart.

How have other people recovered from breakdowns? I feel at rock bottom.

It never rains when it pours, I am so sorry that you have had such a bad night and day. It is truly bad timing that your DP has had some bad news too.

I am posting because I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you everyday willing things to get better for you. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I wish I did.

You did the right thing by not going into work. Work will cope without you.

The pregnancy, well, you know maybe it was not done under the best circumstnaces or planning, but not many are. Like you say you have all this pressure on you and it is not fair for you to say that you have ruined everyones life. It simply isn't true. You will get better.

Lelarose can't think of much to say just hang in there, keep going, it will be worth it.

Hug your DP - you'll get through this together.

Sorry you're feeling so bad still. Still keep going with the tablets even if you don't notice an effect straight away - they said 2 weeks didn't they? So its T minus 1 0r 2 days so 12 or 13 days more until hopefully you're feeling a bit better. Might be sooner than that too.

I know its hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment. But truly you haven't ruined anyone's life. You are laying all of life's issues, even those out of your control, firmly on your plate - your responsibility, your fault. If you were advising a friend in this situation what would you say? Would you be as hard on her, or would you give her a hug, say you're doing the best you can. Sounds like you've been very, very anxious throughout this pregnancy and before. Unexpected pregnancy's happen and your DP is with you and sounds like he's very excited at the prospect of fatherhood and family life with you.

Not sure if this would be helpful to you...I'm finding it mediumly (is that a word?!) helpful. But I've just started CBT for anxiety and its an online course (guided through my telephone sessions with a counsellor). Anyway...if you wanted to read the stuff online or work through some of the anxiety modules, might help a bit?

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

"Sorry looks back, Worry looks around, but Faith looks upwards"

And that doesn't have to be religous faith....just faith in yourself and the fact you're a GOOD person and will make it through this....

Thanks for the advice and the kind words, will look at that website.

I'm not a good person though. I had an antenatal appoinment today and they gave me another (routine) scan to check the baby was ok, and once they had established that it was, I'm afraid to say, to my shame, I just kept asking if they could confirm the sex. They couldn't as it had its legs shut. I knew as i was doing it I shoudn't be asking but I cant help it I just want them to tell me the last scan was wrong.

Why cant I stop caring about this so much? This is my child, they are healthy and I'm having them with the man I love. This has isolated me from nearly everyone I know, put horrendous strain on my relationship and is wrecking my health but I cant seem to change my feelings on it.

Sorry to go on and on everything just feels so bleak.

You are a good person who is going through a terrible time. You need to keep telling yourself that. Look at how you are reaching out, taking meds, talking to professionals, being really honest with yourself. These are all good things.

Maybe instead of thinking- I am having a boy, oh no, what about; I am having a baby first and it is a boy, second. I think you really need some coping strategies to help you with these thoughts. What did you do today when you felt like that?

Lela you keep saying you are not a good person and implying that you are a bad person because you want a girl.

Feelings can not make you a bad person - desires do not make you a bad person.

I think that's what we need to try and stop you from doing - finding yourself so bad...

I think that had I not found out the sex I may have been able to do what you say, ie think of them as a baby not just a boy but I cant seem to now. Though i really dont know if I'd have been able to get through the next few months praying for things to be different so no point thinking about that now.

Today when I thought about it I just felt dead inside. I have no excitement about my child coming and i sicken myself but cant change it right now. It just goes on and on. They scanned me today because I wasnt feeling very much movement the last couple of days, but he was absolultely fine and this should be enough to make any mother happy. I felt paranoid when they said they were concerned enough to scan me that I've slowed his progress down due to the medication- I'm so unhappy about taking it but also cant bear the feelings I have so am totally trapped.

Lela, this is a bad day. The other day you had a better day. This is not going to resolve overnight - you know that, I know. It is going to be a long road, and there are going to be many ups and downs along the way. I think re-reading this thread from time to time will help you - you have admitted what you ddidn't dare tell us at the beginning, and find yourself still unjudged, still liked, still respected.

If you do think that this will be your only baby, then you need to say goodbye to the little girl you dreamed of. I don't know whether something symbolic would help, but you could write a letter, send a paper boat out to sea, something like that.

Practicalities - you have only just started taking the ADs. Most likely they will not take effect for a wee while, so currently you're in a funny limbo between having sought help and waiting for it to work. You have a good counsellor and psychiatrist now - you have A Team. You've told dp, and yes, he's finding it hard. That's because he loves you, and it's hard to see someone you love in pain.

Again and again I read about you protecting this baby - you worry about taking the two kinds of medication, you feel guilty that you can't just be happy about him, you say again and again "I have to protect this baby". You can't see this, but it comes over again and again - the mother in you is strong, stronger than this illness, stronger than this pain and she will get you and your wee boy through this.

It won't be easy, it won't be quick, but it will happen.

Ok so I've been awake since 4am again staring at the wall and dreading the future.

I feel like I'm not going to be able to get through the rest of my pregnancy without putting so much strain on my relationship it wont be able to stand it. This is a very real possibility as we are both kind of at breaking point.

The idea of childbirth now terrifies me even though it didnt before and I feel as if i wont be able to love my child, i will always feel there is something wrong. I cant go on like this.

Can any of you try and remind me what I have to look forward to? Sorry I'm just feeling a bit desperate and cant find my way through this.