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Original poster

Fighting Our Way Back Up - the depression list thread!

840 replies

MathsMadMummy · 30/03/2010 18:08

Thanks to ToccataAndFudge for the name

Right, so this is where those of us with depression can write our lists of daily achievements!

...hopefully tomorrow's list will be better than today's...

OP posts:
racingheart · 30/04/2010 17:46

Please can I join in this thread. I am struggling to do anything at the moment. Hope maybe a little daily list will help.

Today I paid some cheques into my account, spent about five hours staring at a computer screen unable to work and had a nap. That's it! Feeling dreadful, but I guess that's thread-jacking. Hope to come on in a brighter mood tomorrow with a little list of stuff to get done.

allegrageller · 30/04/2010 17:57

racingheart I feel your pain....
terrible concentration today, miss the kids terribly...etc.

LittleMarshmallow · 30/04/2010 19:35

Racingheart of course you are welcome

Alle I know what you mean about missing children however I am missing the peace and quiet, ds is being a brat of the highest order this week and there isn't enough wine left to deal with him, although at least he is asleep.

I am still doing washing and my ironing pile is growing. I went to pick ds up half way from mil's cost me £120 in the end as I went shopping in asda and bought some stuff for my lodger and sil's dd's birthday.

Am hoping I get my own bed tonight could do with the sleep. Am feeling slightly rubbish as I made the mistake of weighing myself earlier so I now know for definite I have gained weight.

willsurvivethis · 30/04/2010 19:52

Racing welcome, that's not threadjacking, that's telling how you feel!

Alle - big hug

Well had my last day at work, 8 years I've been with them. it was surreal to pack up and leave, hand over my cases. Lovely friend picked me up so i didn't have to face public transport and was good to come home to my lovely dh and ds.

The theft, my ptsd, recent new memories, last week at work - it's all been a bit much combined with little sleep. Result is bouts of tears followed by hours/days of pushing all feelings away.

Might do some therapeutic baking if I can find the energy.

allegrageller · 30/04/2010 21:19

It looked from her other thread as if racing had gone out for the evening, hopefully we'll hear when she comes back.

LM is it soooo bad to gain a bit of weight? Sign of contentment (ish?) hehe. Sorry ds being a brat! I bet come Sunday I'll be begging someone to take mine lmao.

Still in vile, vile mood and I bet it's at least another 5 days before the curse deigns to come upon me (sorry tmi!) hehe.

willsurvive sorry to hear of your leaving. It's always hard, you've got so many memories attached.

LittleMarshmallow · 30/04/2010 22:39

Alle - I hope you feel slightly better. Me gaining weight is a big deal to my head it's a loss of control.

I managed to iron the last load of laundry and am lying in my nice clean bed watching sex and the city to get to sleep tonight

racingheart · 01/05/2010 18:58

Hi everyone.

LM - you have no idea how impressed I am at you doing the ironing when you're low. That's the job I just can't get to.

Finally managed to wash the sheets today. Hung on line. It rained. Brought them in. Sun came out as soon as they were in the tumble drier! But at least I changed the bed which I'd needed to do for about two weeks and hadn't the energy - gross. It was getting me down that I couldn't manage even that basic job. So, clean sheets. Baked a cake with one of my sons today which he loved doing. Hoovered. That's it. Not loads but better than staring into space all day.

Alle I know that vile mood.
WST - good luck in your big life change.

BeckyBendyLegs · 01/05/2010 19:45

Alle I get the vile moods too. Not so bad with the Magnesium OK tablets, which do seem to help but they have taken 6 weeks or so to make a difference (hoping). I find I am vile just before ovulating too.

Racingheart - I would call that a very productive day and I bet your DS loved making a cake with you

I've started back working, hoooray! I have missed work so much. I was supposed to start from today but did 2 hours work yesterday and it was bliss. How sad am I? Very! The only problem is that the beds won't get changed, the house won't get cleaned, and the DSs will be wondering around in creased clothes.

LittleMarshmallow · 01/05/2010 20:18

Well done bbl sounds like starting work is giving you something to focus on.

I have had a bad day. My mother has reached a new low

racingheart · 02/05/2010 08:19

Sorry to hear that LM. Hope something today brings a bit of light into your life.

willsurvivethis · 02/05/2010 08:37

Morning all - busy day today. Hoping it goes ok.

Need to have me and ds ready and ds in push chair for walk to church at 9.45

Singing with worship band today which is good. DH is preaching so we will be doing some child-juggling mid service, although ther are always friends on hand to help.

Then my best friends daughter will be baptised in the afternoon (6pm with tea beforehand) - in the church where we used to go before DH became a minister. And I am her Godmother (and have been for the last 3.5 years )

Hope I have the energy to cope, still not recovered from last week.

willsurvivethis · 02/05/2010 08:38

LM I hope today is better for you - I am sorry that with all you are going through your mum is making it even harder for you x

allegrageller · 02/05/2010 18:44

hi all

did some very age-inappropriate clubbing (!! yeah I know...I am 37 heheh) last night and feeling it heavily! Nice to get out and let loose though, but now back to childcare and marking....

vile mood now subsumed in hangover but it'll be back no doubt. I am hoping now only 3 days of it to go. I will try the magnesium OK too.

Took boys to soft play this afternoon to have a rest! ds1 is in full on shout mode. Ow.

LM what's up with mum?

LittleMarshmallow · 02/05/2010 19:13

Alle - I have sent you an email the one my mother sent me should explain I think just about everything. Hope the hangover isn't too bad.

Today has been slightly better just been out and about not bought anything but still fresh air has been good

I hope your morning went ok WillSurvive.

How is everyone else doing?

allegrageller · 02/05/2010 19:17

urgh it's not the hangover really just lack of sleep!

Read your email LM want to write you a proper reply but it'll have to be tomorrow as I am barely compos mentis. All I can say is I'm amazed you have bothered with her all these years if this is what she is like. Grr.

LittleMarshmallow · 02/05/2010 19:25

It's ok Alle I don't expect a reply. I just am so hurt by her actions AGAIN and the blackmail again. I need to decide what to do for the best I just don't quite know what that is yet.

mmmm I have a feeling my living room is getting painted tonight.

LittleMarshmallow · 04/05/2010 10:06

Morning all,

Sorry haven't been about much have been painting :| but have managed to finish one room completely and the living room is nearly done.

Plan for the rest of the day is to restore order to the living room, shampoo the carpet and then tackle one of the spare rooms.

willsurvivethis · 04/05/2010 17:08

Hi all

sorry been neglectful here. Had a good-ish day with friends yesterday (well it was a fab day but my head kept getting in the way of really enjoying it at times).

Today is just rubbish. I'm irritable, want to cry but can't. I've had enough, just enough. I just need things to stop and be normal for a bit. The theft set me back so much. Friend said it is normal to feel violated and that ties back to the abuse but I just want it to stop.

Have managed to fold a load of washing, do the shopping, lunch with dh and ds, walk around the site where bag was stolen looking for it. Ds's physio has just left. Am floored. seeing doctor in a minute about my feet wondering whether to mention how I feel.

Gardening tonight with my church group (old lady's house) - hope that will cheer me up a bit.

LittleMarshmallow · 06/05/2010 09:44

Morning All,

How is everyone today?

I am having a really bad day today, managed to get caught speeding which was a stupid thing to do.

I really did too much yesterday and am feeling the exhaustion today. Was good to get some stuff sorted though.

racingheart · 07/05/2010 16:58

Sorry to hear that LM.

Not great here. Ended up scrabbling round in the cupboard for some old citalopram left over from last time I was on meds, as I couldn't stop crying last night. Took them and felt dizzy and shaky and soooo sleepy then was awake all night - pretended it was the election keeping me up as I don't want kids to worry. But at least I have an appointment to see doc for wednesday and am hanging in for that.

Also completely misread my work rota, because i get so fuzzy headed when I'm down, and am actually doing a long shift tomorrow all day and half the night, so nice things I'd planned to do with kids won't happen. i feel so distanced from them anyway when I'm down - so utterly unable to connect - can't play, can't focus on them, on the now, head always locked away elsewhere, so feeling doubly guilty about that.

But paid another work cheque into my account - that's an achievement - done that twice this week and usually when I'm down, I let them slide.

That's it for today. No other achievements!

willsurvivethis · 07/05/2010 19:42

Hi everyone this thread is quiet - is that because we are all doing badly

I have been doing pretty badly most of the week. Ended up talking/crying with my good friend on Tuesday night for hours, but still couldn't sleep after so am now using Nytol for the first time ever - I hate the drowsyness but I get some more sleep. Have managed to chill out a bit today after being in tears about an email from the stonemasons that they have placed the stone for MIL's grave without checking with us and the text is wrong!! But that is all sorted now.

Racing: 'i feel so distanced from them anyway when I'm down - so utterly unable to connect - can't play, can't focus on them, on the now, head always locked away elsewhere, so feeling doubly guilty about that.' - are you me? One of the reasons why I was in floods on Tuesday is that I'm feeling such a bad mummy again - miles away from my precious little man and just sitting here staring into space...

LittleMarshmallow · 07/05/2010 20:52

Evening all,
I have been managing to get stuff done my week has been rubbish. I sometimes wish something would go right instead being complicated. I went to the opticians for an eye test as I needed new glasses yet now I am going to the hospital to have stuff checked out.

I know what you mean racing heart about feeling that way about your kid. Ds has been horrific again this week tellng me hates me and doesn't want to live with me etc he is also being violent I am at loss with him just now.

racingheart · 10/05/2010 08:58

Willsurvive- for me one of the saddest things about it is that emotional separation from the kids. Like you're in a glass box and they're outside it and you want to connect and play and listen to the things they're telling you but something that feels like it isn't even part of you, some barrier is up, preventing it.

Bit better this weekend.

Today I'll make a list.

Going to go on a bike ride as it is sunny
Finish a small project for work
Sort out some admin I've been putting off

Might line dry some washing but washing is my major weakness when I'm down. It's a job too far. I can hoover and polish and empty bins but the laundry always feels like an uphill struggle.

LittleMarshmallow · 10/05/2010 10:15

The bike ride sounds good racing heart. I am planning on going to the gym and to pick ds up from nursery.

willsurvivethis · 10/05/2010 10:21

Hi all - have had weekend from hell - so low. Started a thread about it as felt totally alone. Had thoughts of doing things I shouldn't but got enough support to get through.

Plan for today is blitz the house - got a bit stuck clearing out dining room as I sorted out MIL's belongings like her purse and handbag. she died in June. Then some music I was playing triggered flashbacks. Having a break now. Washing machine is running, beds have been stripped and bedding is hanging out of the wide open windows - I am a continental still!!