Support thread for those abused (whatever the abuse)

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There seems an opportunity here to join together and provide support for each other wherever we are on our journey to recovering.

Post whatever you need, ideas, coping mechanisms, books you've found helpful, therapy techniques .....and anything else.

twoisplenty, I can completely relate to your post about you and your DH. I could have written it myself in fact.

I know I have the capacity to be affectionate and show affection as I am like that with DS. It just seems to come naturally. So I know I can do it. But I cannot be like that with DH. Of course with DS it is a lot easier as he is just an adorable 3 year old little boy. My relationship with DH has been fraught from the beginning (10 years) and so there are no doubt lots of hidden, unresolved hurts and resentments between us which are probably standing in the way of me showing love and affection towards him.

Sometimes I feel our relationship has simply run it's course. Perhaps it was never meant to be for a lifetime. I think at a subconscious level, I married him as a way of 'escaping' from my family and he seemed 'safe' and reliable (unlike my family). And he has been that. But I am realising more and more now that we really have nothing in common, are not on the same wavelength at all about anything really and it is becoming harder and harder to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. I do love him though, he is a lovely, decent man and a good father to the DC's. But I just don't think he is right for me anymore.

Kezia, I am really shocked to hear about the 'care' you have recieved from the NHS. It is appalling. The 'professionals' supposed to be looking after you sound utterly inept, ignorant and incompetent. Is there any way you can afford private therapy? It usually costs about £40 an hour but many therapists will reduce their fee if it is unaffordable. I have had a couple of really good therapists (and have done a lot of work on myself) and it has been quite expensive but well worth it.

ADQ, I'd also recommend that book by Judith Herman, I thought it was excellent. I also read a couple of books about attachment theory by John Bowlby and i feel that is at the core of all my issues.

I never had a secure attachment to my mother. I did have a fairly good attachment bond with my father until it was totally destroyed by his abusive behaviour towards me as a result of his severe mental breakdown when I was about 9/10. I can trace all my problems with relationships (even when there appeared to be no problem at first) back to my dysfunctional relationship with both my parents.

Keziah, just a quick post, in the past PD was considered untreatable and many people, mainly men, ended up being committed to forensic hospitals, so basically prison.

This is changing and PD treatment programmes are being set up around the country, especially to help with managing symptoms and behaviour. It sounds like your psych (and local MH service) is behind the times.

The harsh reality is that once that diagnosis is in your notes, it will always be considered but that doesn't mean it's the end of the road for you. Despite (or because of?) my abusive childhood, I used to work as a psychologist in a psych hospital. I remember one patient had had a diagnosis of OCD for about 15 years. It was only by approaching it anew and ignoring the notes, that I was able to diagnose (and treat fairly successfully) the PTSD he had suffered in the Korean War. Unfortunately labels stick and can bias people's thinking.

I would try speaking to mind, the MH charity or someone similar such as rethink.

Thank you queenofwhatever.

I consider myself very blessed to have the psych I have but it makes me so angry that people like keziah don't seem to be being looked after like they deserve.

I dont know what I'm doing anymore,
I dont even know what the point of this post is
I cant get what they did out my head, I cant stop the thoughts going round in my head, I cant stop any of it.
I need it to go away, I need to stop remembering, I dont want to remember, I dont want to feel.

I realised last night that I dont know how to be with my children, whats normal behaviour and whats not, I dont remember doing any of the things my kids do, I never answered back, I never fought with my sisters, really I was invisable until they wanted me. My oldest son seems so aggresive in the way he speaks to his brother and sister to the point it scares me, he reminds me of my dad in soo many ways. The logic part of my head tells me he's not, he's nothing like him, but it scares me that I can even think that way. I love my children to bits but I'm ashamed to say sometimes I dont like them

Thanks for all the support.

ADQ, we are thinking of a private diagnosis but my main concern is getting the notes corrected right now (like the day I overdosed is wrong!! My one and only OD I would like to add, and many details like this. However, a private diagnosis with a specialist trained in trauma would involve a day off work and £1,200... as I pay £45 an hour once a week for private therapy, and have struggled for 17months ttc#1 I need to priorities money - ongoing therapy, diagnosis or fertility treatment (am nearly 35).

Thanks backtolife - it was so lovely to read it is not just me that thinks I have been treated badly.

ADQ and willtosurvive - at the involvement of my highly qualified private psycotherapist I was diagnosed last year with Complex PTSD, and this was my diagnosis until last Autumn, now it has been changed to BPD, yes.

Queenofwhatever - you are right, except that they didn't want to keep me in the prision that was hospital!! And I had to go to the gastroenterologist last week, not been for 5yrs, previous consultant retired - this consultant started off with my mental health diagnosis and then REFUSED to listen to me, gave me and bunch of tests that I don't think I need, and not the ones I was referred to by me Gp ... so next time my DH has to take MORE time off work to advocate for me as obviously I cannot know about my own digestive system!! Oh, so angry So - yes the diagnosis does stick.

I only work part-time due to physical health problems, but at work I am treated as the professional I am. I passed OH, I now cannot change jobs with a diagnosis of BPD, with the job I do!! I asked me line manager if they had any concerns with my work, she looked at me as if I was mad and said "only problem we have with you is you do too much!" - don't want to reveal too much about work, but I have moved department forward like they wanted to and so on ...

Sorry, selfish post - will try and read others and respond later.

Rhksmum

although it may seem so, you are not alone in this. What you are describing was me about 3 months ago. I couldn't remember my childhood at all, but I remembered some of the traumatic things like they happened yesterday. I couldn't even remember my birthdays.

With my 3 children I constantly rollercoast from , they're fighting and I need to stop it to, no don't you were never allowed to show emotion and look how you turned out and then letting them fight to express their emotion and just help them vocalise it in an appropriate way.

I would get so ragefully angry with them sometimes and shout at them.

You will get through this phase, even if it feels luke you won't. It sounds as if your psychologist is taking care of you.

Kids will fight and tell each other the most hurtful things.

Morning all

Big hugs to everyone who's struggling - seem to be lots of us.

Read all the posts yesterday but felt too vulnerable to post. Still not good, had serious bad night.

Explained to ADQ last night my therapist always says I am very strong mentally and can pull metal shutters down on things at will. At the moment feel shutters are down but dark stuff is trying to push through it - to do with going to see the police soon and possibly more new stuff/flashbacks that want out. I really want to take my own advice and let it out and deal with it but I can't somehow, it's all blocked.

Not sure this is making any sense.

Hope you're all having an ok day x

willsurvivethis, I hope you can have a bit of peace today. The "stuck" feeling, where emotions are locked in is really horrid. I guess you are fighting your fear of not knowing what to expect with the police? The only thing my therapist advised when feeling so bad is to divert attention to "doing" something rather than "feeling". What she meant was to do abstract things like colouring in, feeling the texture of a soft toy (for example), hot bath with smelly bubbles, etc. Diverting the mind onto something fairly relaxing but a diversion all the same.

backtolife, thank you for that insight. I really wish there was a quick solution. My marriage needs one! I'm so worried that we are nearing the end. I won't let that happen, but I can't determine what my dh is thinking. We are under enormous pressure at the moment with events in rl, and it can't be resolved for some time. This year is going to be really hard, we need each other's support. I need to find a way to connect with my dh very soon.

In the short term I am going to make the effort to go out with him one evening, plan the babysitting etc. And start talking.

Hope everyone has a better day today. xx

Willsurvivethis - sending you a big, safe hug.

I am not surprised that you are using a tried and trusted coping mechanism, or that new stuff is trying to escape - with your visit planned and police visit.

Can you accept that this is a tough time, that it is not unusual to struggle to cope at this time - just to acknowledge the pain/emotions, but not necessarily try and sort things out? That is what I was suggested to do - that and as much distraction as possible.

Keziah

Twoisplenty and Keziah thanks for hugs and support. still not good here. Have been able to talk to ADQ which helped a bit. Tried to talk to DH who is very understanding cosidering the fact that I'm so restless and noisy (dreaming) that I'm messing his sleep up too.

He says even a stable person would be thrown by the combination of going abroad to talk to police, wondering whether and when to tell my Dad and the problems regarding my work let alone me. And that I have been obsessing about work to avoid the fear.

Have been trying distraction, fingers sore from guitar, been reading and doing chores, also ended up rooting around youtube for some old songs that brought back strong feelings, may not have been so good.

I'm just so afraid...

Well that's enough about me, how's everyone else x

Arrrggggghhhhhhhhhh
am losing the plot
kids are upstairs fighting, doors are slaming, heating not working so am waiting for council to come sort it, parents night over ran, ex has been on the phone, cpn never returned my call but no surprise there, flashbacks, nightmares, feel like I'm living it all over again, can feel what they're doing, I need it to go away

Willsurvivethis - glad talking to ADQ and DH helping ... as DH says it would be expected of anybody to be thrown with what you are facing. I hope as each day goes by, and your trip gets nearer you will have more peace about what you are doing and the fact the sooner it starts the sooner it is over (or that stage of it is) is a comfort for you.

Oh - rhskmum - that sounds a stressful evening. Hope children asleep now and you had some peace for you and tonight is free from those flashbacks/nightmares.

2 nights ago DH told me I had been pounding what I thought was his head, but was thanfully a teddy ... night times not great.

Hi all how are we doing.

RHKS did not get the chace to chat to you last night hope you're hanging in there x

Am ok-ish although both very tired as I'm keeping DH awake as well - moved to spare room at 5 to give him some sleep.

Texted a v good friend yesterday to say that I was falling apart and needed some help to get my head back straight. He came last night and helped me do exactly that - back to taking it one day at a time to stop the panic. So woke up this morning and rehearsed to myself 'It is Wed 10 feb and today I will get ds ready, go to the Well to be prayed for, pick him up from cm, his physio at 4pm etc. Not thinking any further ahead. It works for now!

I'm having a bit of a flare-up of colitis, which is horrible. I think it's to do with the anxiety of having to move, all sorts of horrible feelings surfacing. I'm crying an awful lot, and wish I felt part of the world again. My life just seems so full and heavy with grief and loss. I just feel unbearably sad.

Ouch SQ - had a look on wikipedia for that one - sounds horrid and draining. Big hugs, try to keep going as best as you can x

Willsurvive - am glad you were able to reach out, get support and that they each day at a time routine is helping. I find that a useful technique when reminded of it too! Hope your sesions helped you too.

SC - that sounds a painful time for you - is there any medication you take to help at flare up times, or treatments? I am not surprised it is happening now, as moving house is meant to be one of the most stressful things one can do.

Hugs to you both, and anyone else who really needs one now. ((((for you)))

When do you know that the time has come to shut up? to stop talking?
Thats twice in the past week that 2 people have said maybe its time to stop seeing my psychologist, that its only making me feel worse.
I dont know what I'm doing anymore, I'm struggling to tell the difference between night and day, whats now and whats in the past, whats real and whats not.
I'm physically and emotionally drained, I honestly didn't think I had any tears left to cry but they have been coming thick and fast.

Cpn is going to try and get me another appointment with the psychiatrist to see if my meds can be changed but I just feel like they are passing me from pillow to post in the hope I will just give up, so far there winning because if it wasn't for my kids upstairs right now, I wouldn't be here now but I dont know how much longer they can keep me here

rhksmum

The talking is good. It hurts like hell and it seems like it will never get better, BUT IT WILL. (not shouting here just emphasising).

All the pain you're gping through is all the wrongness, crap, coming out that those b5st4rds left you with. It helps me when I maat my worst to visualise this time as a big heavy black ball of barbed wire being taken out of me and each time I feel bad, its a bit more out and a step closer to being where I want.

It takes a long time. Concetnrate on being kind to yourself. Relaxing. Do the bare minimum (cooking, washing. Get help with taking kids places wherever possible.

How many times have you changed your meds? Are you on a lot. Have you tried taking them in the morning?

Not being very helpful here, am I, but just wanted you to know that we do understand and are with you on this whenever you need help.

Well I started my sertraline last weekend and have to say I feel like its helping.

Thanks Adq,
I'm on 2 lots of anti depressants and an anti psychotic.
1 of the anti-depressant I have been on for a few years and the other just a year now. I've been on the anti psychotic for 6 years and am now on the highest dose.

I'm scared that when or if they do change my meds I'm going to have to be weened off them over a period of weeks and then build up the new ones gradually, and I know from past experience it gets pretty bad. That was partly why the IHTT team were involved but they decided my meds didn't need changing but now my cpn is saying maybe they do.

I just wish they would make up their minds.

I'm glad your meds are making a difference.

Is there a chace you are on too many?

Not that I would want to question the medical profession and certainly have no medical backgroupnd myself.

I dont know, I've been on medication for over 15 years with only 2 breaks when I was pregnant with my last 2 children.

Medication only works for so long with me and then it needs to get changed as my body gets used to it.

I dont know what the answer is but I do know I cant continue feeling like this as its getting to the danger point of me giving up.

Just checking in. You know, we all deserve a medal! It's such hard work. I just like to think of the lovely warm glowing light at the other side of the nasty black soupy lake in front of me. I want to get to the sunshine. I am determined to get there.

Rhksmum, I appreciate your honesty with how you feel, It's utter cr@p, this stuff you have to go through, with how you feel etc. And it doesn't sound like you hare having any useful, consistent help. Is there anyone in RL to help you get through? Someone you can lean on, and try to get a bit of peace?

ADQ, really pleased your meds are helping, that's such good news!

I have been on general health boards the last few days, "flare up" (so to speak) of the horrid ED. I finally went to the GP yesterday and had bloods taken today, to check I'm basically in working order. Results next week. It's so draining. I'm sick of it.

I asked my counsellor if there are any books I can read, to help the therapy along. It was this thread that prompted the question, because I wouldn't have thought of it myself! But I want to read. No energy for much else really. Don't know how I will manage next week in half term. I'm weak again.

RHKS we talked yesterday and you know my opinion that the two people who mentioned you stopping therapy are not qualified to say so, plus the psychologist being the only constant in your life in terms of care plus my belief that the way through is the only way out...I hope you manage to hang in there.

I think I've mentioned this before but some meds can give you really lurid dreams, including some ADs...

You know you can always come to talk to me whenever you need it. I'm so blessed with the rl support I have but sometimes nothing beats some online ranting without anyone seeing your face.

twoisplenty sorry things are so tough for you and that you are dreading half term. ED is horrid, mine has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember but results in me overeating without being sick so relatively 'innocent' apart from weight gain. Try 'Strong at the broken places' - it is a positive book about how abuse survivors beat the odds, get through, shine through and are very good parents.

I'm doing ok here - the chat with my friend on Tuesday night was such a help and my visit to The Well, a Christian healing place has resulted in some quite dramatic healing. Won't bang on about it as religion is very personal and some of you may have bad experiences with it xx