Support thread for those abused (whatever the abuse)

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There seems an opportunity here to join together and provide support for each other wherever we are on our journey to recovering.

Post whatever you need, ideas, coping mechanisms, books you've found helpful, therapy techniques .....and anything else.

I have to say, I am shocked and apalled by the way you have both been treated by your professionals.

I shouldn;t be shocked though, because I had a bad service from the nhs too. I think it is pure luck as to where you live, how stretched the team is and whether they really understand recovery from trauma.

For 10 yrs I saw many different psychologists, drs, counsellors, Health visitors masquerading as counsellors because they'd done a 6 week course.

Those of us who have been abused need qualified people who understand the effects of abuse and the patience required, the need for us to feel safe before talking and the care and reassurance needed.

Now that I have seen the "other side" and have a brill psychiatrist and psychologist I can see the difference. They are speciafically trained in trauma.

I also came across quite a few with the attitude, "you're not helping yourself", "you're an adult now, make different choices" etc etc.

None of it helps.

SOrry for the rant but it makes me so angry that we are made to suffer and made to feel even worse because of a stretched service (not always the workers faults.

Ask the people who come to see you whether they have had specific training in trauma/abuse therapies.

Of course I could be generalising greatly here and I'm sure there are many excellent care givers out there. Maybe the others are a minority. I hope so.

Rant over

Nightmares
I actually managed 4 hrs sleep in a row lastnight night, which is good for me but I had the most horrendus nightmares, terified the kids to the point my oldest woke me because I was screaming so much. When I managed to come too my children were all sat on my bed really upset, they thought I was getting murdered.
I dont think I'm cut out for this sleep business, at least when I'm awake I have some kind of control over them but when I'm asleep I cant get stop them.

I'm still shaking,I feelo sick at what I did in my dream, kids have gone to school upset

rhksmum it is not your fault that your children got upset! You are not well and as you said you have no control over your nightmares.

I know a lot has happened to you and it is trying to get out, but i can't help but think there must be a problem with your medication - it seems a seriously bad idea to take sleep meds if you still can't sleep plus I wonder if some of your nightmares are due to some of the meds you take, I think some ads can have this effect, maybe certain anti-psychs as well?

Sending you hugs and courage for today x

There's nothing worse than not getting enough sleep, it affects everything, sympathy for you. And the nightmares sound horrid, I hope you sort it out soon.

I feel so bad. Unwell. I have no energy literally (can't eat as usual) it has been bad this week (the lack of food/drink) so I am shattered and weak. Ugh. And I'm cold. And I feel foggy, I can't think straight. I have no idea why I am writing this, but it always seems to be a good idea!

I saw my counsellor yesterday, but put on a happy face and calm exterior and chatted away about practical stuff. It's so annoying that during the appointment, I feel calm and ok, but at all other times I feel stress, pressure, bad feelings generally.

She even said that she was impressed with my resiliance! Well, what else am I meant to do? My children need me and I need to keep going, I can't give up can I?

I've ended up writing a letter (email) to her, but now I've sent it I feel worse because I don't like letting anyone know I feel bad. Catch 22. I'm dreading the next appointment now.

I hate this. Part of me wishes I hadn't started counselling, it's too hard. I can't keep this going, I'm not strong enough. But everyone thinks I am.

Well thats 10 days of my life I will never get back
I'm now discharged from the IHTT which is a relief to be honest, now I can go back to hiding. They asked if I found the sevice usefull? I told them I hadn't they had just sent my anxiety sky high with sending a male on his own to see me. I said I felt like if they hadnt listened to me when I asked for no males to be sent how could I believe they listened to how I was feeling. She said she understood but I hadn't had a male visit on his own I said no, last friday my cpn was in and a male came on his which although was hard it was managable, but sunday and tuesday it was a male worker on his own, she said the notes say different but she will go back and talk to the team.

I didnt get time on my own with my cpn as they arrived together and left together. It was mentioned that if I feel this bad while seeing pychology maybe I should stop and leave it for a while, I told her I couldn't do that as this is the first time in a long time I have been able say out loud some of the things I have been through and also the box wont shut anymore much as I would like it to.

They aren't going to give me anymore sleeping pills as they now realise I'm too stressed for them to work. I dont know what is gonna happen with the rest of my meds, I may as well be taking smarties for all the good they do me.

I dont know what to do anymore, I feel so alone and useless. I dont feel I have a voice anymore, I dont feel anything anymore

Twoisplenty WHY do you need to keep up a facade? what will happen if it falls off and people see how much you're struggling? In my case dropping the mask was the best thing I could ever have done. Nothing in the whole worls has been as healing as having a friend ask how's things today, being able to say bad, really struggling and have them come over and hug and listen.

Please try to drink some water as dehydration will make you even foggier.

RHKSmummy - I had higher hopes from IHTT and I'm annoyed your cpn isn't more use than this.

well done though for saying you're finally opening up so this is not the time to stop the psychologist.

No sleeping tabs probably makes sense but what else is going to help you instead. I know I am a terrible bossyboots (comes with the professional territory but i wish I was there with you sometimes to help you speak up and get what you need!!!

Hugs to you both

Twoisplenty

I understand about putting on the front and letting them think your managing, I think thats my downfall.
I to have wrote to my psychologist after a session if theres things I needed to say but couldn't and then dreaded going back. Its a hard one. I know my psychologist says that its ok to write between sessions if there's things I felt I couldn't say during the sessions. It is hard but maybe it will be a starting point for your next session.

Willsurvive thanks,
I dont know where I go from here, I really dont.
I'm trying so hard to distract myself today from the thoughts and flashbacks but its not working, I think I've fed everyones chickens on farmville today, fertilised all their fields, played all the puzzles on there but I'm still really aggitated(sp), I cant sit at piece, I need to cut and scrub, I need to get clean, get rid of their smell but I cant

Twoisplenty

As you know I would spend every session chatting to my psychologist and feeling like I was getting nowhere - but absolutely falling apart after every session waiting and desperately wanting her to ask questions tha would lead me to telling her.

I now realise (and its only been in the past 2 weeks) that they are not allowed to ask and lead you. They will wait until you tell them.

I emailed my psychologist with stuff I wanted to tel her and asked her to remind me about the email, then I opened up and yesterday, I had the most powerful session yet.

This may not make any sense or even be relevant but it helped me.

I'm off to try EMDR soon......

rhks I'm sorry that you feel this need to clean and scrub yourself. You are clean - they stink.

Can you describe what you smell or is that too distressing for words?

The thoughts and memories of them that are inside you you can't scrub off your skin . If you do have to do it remember my suggestion of using a handful of salt. Salt is cleansing, healing and makes things smell clean too. Please leave the bleach alone if you can.

Just going to correct ADQ (You can kill me later hun .

Tis not that therapists are not allowed to ask you questions, tis that it doesn't WORK. We've been damaged and need to go at our own pace. Pushing us to talk when not ready does more damage. And therapy only works when we decide to open up and talk and THEN allow the therapist to guide and reflect back to us what's going on.

The smell of stale and fresh sweat, stale smoke, alcohol especially dark rum, the taste of blood the feel of their hands on me like sandpaper. I have plugs in every where in the house, airfreshners next to me, I'm constantly spraying perfume and deodorant on me to get rid of the smell of them on me.
Not sure if any of this makes sense, because it doesnt to me.
The salt is a good idea which i did try but it triggered me big time as it felt like sandpaper and their hands

Thanks for sharing - that's brave. Weird and amazing how our brains work that smells can be so real.

Sorry that the salt suggestion triggered you again - had hoped it would work as bleach is so poisonous

A bit more peaceful myself today - yesterday was bad but was prayed for at a healing service at church yesterday and I do feel different. I realised today that I have been living in the future as if it was already time to go abroad and talk to the police but that's 2.5 weeks away that were totally passing me by. I was genuinly surprised that it was only the 5th today. Enjoying the peace, enjoying playing guitar and reading a bit rather than just restlessly looking at computer screen. House not overly clean but tidy and under control - better.

Hello again. Lots of new posts since I last logged on, a bit overwhelming.

Twoisplenty, hi and thank you for asking. I am ok, perhaps I am a bit further down this journey than some of you. I remember going through a time when memories were literally flooding me day after day and my brain was in constant overdrive trying to process it all. I lost loads of weight, not through diet or exercise, but just due to the level of brain activity.

Am in a more managable place now. Still have a lot of ups and downs, but am just a bit calmer and more able to understand what is going on with me.

Was wondering whether any of you have read any books on this subject? There are quite a few which I found really helpful; Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, The Truth Will Set you Free and The Drama of the Gifted Child both by Alice Miller. Alice Miller really 'spoke' to me through her books and as well as having therapy, reading her books have helped me through this.

Like some of you have mentioned, having DC's was the trigger for locked up memories from my childhood to be released. I cut all contact with my parents nearly 4 years ago and have recently also cut contact with my siblings.

Sorry, have to go, back later. x

Willsurvivethis - glad you experienced some peace today.

ADQ - EMDR is meant to be great, I will be using it sometime soon, as well - but using LifeSpan Integration right now; I was so sceptical, but my therapist trained in it and EMDR to help people who have had trauma and I really trust her and it IS helping when I do it once a month.

rkhsmum - are there are nice smell, positive memories? I found lemon oil, put a few drops on a tissue and it helps me. When I was really anxious I used a relaxation cd - basically seasounds - which when I first used it I had to play it for ages, then noticed the time reduced for me.

Can you ask cpn/team to help you reduce stress/anxiety?

twoisplenty - I pretended to be "fine" for long time - and I had to pay for it! - but when it was right for me I gradually began to relate with her and share, a bit at a time. Slow is ok.

Keziah

Do you do teh emdr once a month?

I was getting impatient at not talking to my pschologist and just as i made thedecison to try emdr, on Fiday, I opened up to her and had a very emotional session.

I've taken my first sertraline today (actually 3 hours ago) so will see how that goes.

Take care everyone

Hi,
I will be doing EMDR once a month yes, when a bit more stable. The NHS have not given me a psychologist - I got a nurse trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy (I will not write what I thought of that, just in case anyone found it helpful!!)

So, am struggling to work part-time to fund treatment privately, whilst NHS deciding to label me with personality disorder, which my psych says cannot be helped and therefore get rid of me. My time in hospital shows how they treat people here with PD's. Someone with OCD got so much better treatment - what they didn't know is we are friends and do the same job!! We are challenging diagnosis, which has just happened since I was in hospital - what a surprise!! And as I got a PD diagnosis, I wasn't allowed any support on leaving hospital - and as Crisis Team have reported that I am attention seeking, manipulative and much worse (I have only asked them once for help in all my life) ... whatever I say will be twisted now.

Sorry ADQ, rant over!! Can you do EMDR on top of work iwth your psychologist?
Great you had good, albeit emotional, session with your psychologist. I used sertraline at one stage in my life (at Uni) and it helped (I had no talking help at all, just medicaiton through Uni). Hope it helps you.

Keziah

I'm sorry you've had such an unsupportive time.

Could you get a private psychiatric diagnosis. What does your therapist say?

Adq

Keziah when you mentioned something about only managing symptoms I thought it was a PD. You are still the same person with or without PD you are who you are. Is it BDP?

Just saying that as complex-PTSD when it's bad can look a bit like BPD.

I hope you get somewhere with challenging the diagnosis and getting the help you need. I must admit i don't really understand the bit about not being allowed any help because it is a PD, but then you prob don't either...

Hi eveyone. Well, I was finally forced to rest Friday and Saturday, I couldn't physically keep going, I was exhausted. I slept for 16 hours!! Good job dh was around. I felt really weak yesterday, so stayed on the settee all day (daytime tv is awful!) but much better today. I had wound myself up so much over the last few weeks, I didn't stop, perhaps I was running away from everything (thoughts) by keeping stupidly busy. I am forcing myself to eat and drink, so hopefully I can prevent this happening again. To be truthful, I'm hating this ed, it's not helping anything.

May I ask everyone - do you struggle with relationships (with partner or dh I was thinking). My dh and I are really finding everything so difficult. He needs loads of affection, and interaction. I need space and quiet. I fear intimacy. I never saw my parents give each other affection EVER. My dad was a frightening person to me. Bullying. This really impacts on my relationship with my dh. I would LOVE to be affectionate. We both love each other. Why can't I just relax and give him affection? I could understand it if it were a new relationship, but we have been married many years.

It's getting so bad now that my dh is really unhappy. It's a viscious circle. If I need space, he feels rejected and then won't show me any care. Then I feel rejected, and want him to show me he loves me, so we both feel alone and hurt.

I think also, I forget to show him I love him! Again, because my parents didn't show anything to each other or me, I haven't had role models. I appear to be as cold as them.

Is this something anyone here relates to?

I will start to talk about this to the counsellor. I shall write all this down so I won't foget.

ADQ, thanks for your insight (not opening up to counsellor). I actually do remember on your thread about this, and didn't realise I do that too! I will endeavour to write things down, then it's easier to start the ball rolling in a session.

Willsurvivethis - why do I need the facade? I have always had it, to protect me perhaps? I don't want anyone to know I am feeling bad because I find the sympathy and attention really uncomfortable. I have no idea why, but it must be rooted with my parents (as usual), they never showed me affection or attention, I'm not used to it. But in the counselling session, I know it's different, she wouldn't give me sympathy, but even so, the fear of her reaction is putting me off.

Hope everyone has a good day. Relaaaax!

Twoisplenty

yes, yes, yes and even more yeses! I can so relate to absolutely everything you are saying. It feels like it could (and was) what I was writing in my journal only a few weeks ago.

I was the needy one though. I was shown no emotion, acceptance, or that I was loved by my parents. My psychologist suggested I was a little girl going searching for that love and finding abusers ( I know you were not sexually abused so different there).

When I finally opened up last week and told her about the not feeling loved, I cried so much but now feel stronger. It was good to get it out.

The point I'm getting to (eventually) is that I would close up and clam up and not communicate my needs because I didn't feel I deserved any.

I would curl up emotionally and hide myself, reject dh, wanted to be on my own, in fact before Christmas I wanted to leave him, leave work just to be alone. I was angry with him.

I would certainly say talk to you therapist about this as drilling down to the root cause has helped me a lot and I see things clearer now.

Don't know if this helps or is even relevant to your original questions but it's opening up after 18 months of therapy that finally helped.

Thank you so much ADQ. Wow, didn't realise that I would be so similar. I still can't get it into my head that your abuse would have the same/similar effect to my "abuse".

I am so frightened to open up to anyone (counsellor or dh).

At the moment, for the past 2 hours, I have been full of adrenaline, you know panicking, jittery, fast breathing.

If I keep this up, I will end up with exhaustion again...this is maddening, frustrating, stupid. But yes, I just want to be completely on my own. I don't even want my children today , I can't think straight or pretend to be playing or cheerful.

I am going to have to calm down. How can I do that when the dc are aound? And my dh? If I don't start showing some emotion around him very soon, he will leave me. Help.

Sorry to vent like this...I'm well aware lots of us are the same atm.

Keziah

I see a psychiatrist who is a specialist in trauma and I once asked him if I had bps as it had been highlighted to me.

His reply was, no absolutely not, the closest diagnosis is complex PTSD. The are very often confused by people not experienced in trauma therapy.

I'd recommend a book called trauma and recovery by Judith Herman. I found it very useful.

Is your psychiatrist experienced in trauma?