Support thread for those abused (whatever the abuse)

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There seems an opportunity here to join together and provide support for each other wherever we are on our journey to recovering.

Post whatever you need, ideas, coping mechanisms, books you've found helpful, therapy techniques .....and anything else.

Hello how are you all - in particular Keziahhopes?

Coasting along here. I called an organisation called Safeline not too far from here yeaterday, they support adult survivors of child sexual abuse and they offer groups and one to one counselling. As I only have three sessions left with my therapist she asked me to get in touch with them to see what they can do as I obviously need more help. I'm having an assessment appointment tomorrow. My friend is having my ds so that's nice. Bit nervous though.

Also trying to write a time line and other relevant info about the abuse ready for my appointment with the police. Suggestion from a friend. Complicating factor is doing it in my native but no longer first language. So far I have managed to write down a lot of not so relevant things. I'm too scared to get close to the memories it's too hard.

willsurvivethis I didn't need to tell DH about my abuse he guessed by my reactions to him and the nightmares I had he is determined that once my mum has gone my brother will be brought to justice I am trying to get my medical records for future use as I had a d&c at 12 because of the repeated rape carried out by him but when my parents where told the damage could of been caused by sexual activity they told them it wasn't possible. I am unsure about whether I want to go through with it as the way it happened could be seen as I didn't stop it as I was never threatened and thought the world of the bastard, because it's my first memory I didn't know it wasn't wrong and never said no to him and when I did because I wasn't feeling good after being in hospital he never touched me again and I actually thought I'd done something wrong bizarre I know.

dottyspotty

It was never your resposibility to stop it. It should never have happened. It is common to feel bad but it was none of our faults. We didn't do anything wrong.

It will not be seen as you didn;t stop it. You were powerless to stop it.

Dotty - sorry you had to go through all this - thanks for joining.

ADQ is right, totally right, it was not your fault. You could not stop him. You were a child. He was the adult. I think one of the most important functions of this threat is to keep reminding each other of this and start to feel less ashamed.

It is however NOT up to your husband to decide what happens next. Your husband needs to read some information for partners of abuse survivors so that he can understand that he needs to help YOU to be in control, not to take control himself, however much he wants to protect you.

I did have to tell my dh, but then I didn't know myself until a year ago. He was not surprised - has always known 'something' was very wrong.

Dear all,
Please kick me out if I am in the wrong place. I have read the thread that inspired this and am totally utterly amazed by you all and your fight and fairness and honesty. Your children are lucky to have you. Is this a place for adult survivors of rape? Or, should I find a different place for me and those women who have been through that, I am prepared for you to say that it is different and I can't truly understand.

With love to all of you

willsurvivethis The problem I have is DH went through similar he was abused by the local youth leader along with others, but he found out whilst I was expecting the youngest 15 years ago that he did time for his actions. I do want him to be brought to justice and at least one of my sisters will give a statement, don't know about the other one as it's really messed her life up badly even though I was a lot younger. I just get on with it now I know I wasn't to blame now but don't know the attitude of the police or about what the statute of limitations on this is, the abuse stopped in January 1983 I even remember that day so well.I also don't know if I can cope with it being dragged up and my youngest finding out my sister's kids who is supporting me all know as does my 18 year old, also I know it will get worse before it gets better so don't know yet.

Notevenamousie if you feel at home here please stay - as I've said before we're not in the business of judging whether something is abuse or not. But in any event rape is pretty abusive in my book .

Notevenmousie you are more than welcome to post on this thread,I like to think of this thread as a survivors thread,all survivors should feel free to post, whatever stage they are at in their lives.

See it as your safe place to offload or rant or to just read.All are welcome.

Sending strength to all here (and also to those who feel more comfortable just reading this thread)

poshwellies I love the way you put that

Hi and welcome to Notevenmousie and dottyspotty.

Dottyspotty - you can go to police (from my understanding of reading newspapers!) at any time. However awful that d+c was, it is useful medical evidence. Like the others it was not your fault - remember if a male is over 13/16 and the female is under 13 (even IF consenting) the male can go to prison for having x*x (sorry, can't even write it!) with a minor.

willsurvivethis - great idea about the timeline. I guess being back in the country will help with language. Could you go through timeline with your therapist? I did a timeline with mine - but it was a general timeline to help me remember different stages of my life etc, and I couldn't put anything really negative on. But was able to put some things on that were "abuse" that I couldn't accept were, if that makes sense (neglect, etc).

Thanks willsurvivethis for asking how I was. Think having had 12 days in hospital and then out without much support I just crashed. If I could get up, drink fluids, dressed, washed, teeth and hair done every day withuot prompting from dh, it would be progess this week. But I managed work! Always just manage work 3 days out of 7... just rest of life,somehow.

Keziah

Hello again all! I think I'm having a moment of reprieve just now. Perhaps it is all the hassle of having to move house... Perhaps I have locked myself away... Dh and I are going to couple counselling next week because we have been bickering for Britain. A lot of our vulnerabilities have been exposed, and it's a crap time really. At least I don't live near my parents.

I don't know if I could go to the police about my dad now. I am well out of the way and Mum's carers and SS know about his behaviour. My brother and his wife are known to the police for domestic violence. Sadly their children are likely to be suffering badly.

I'm fed-up with the whole thing, and frankly wonder what the hell is the point in carrying on breathing. It's horrible being forever an outsider.

Oh SC there is a point in breathing. You are on your way to improving your life. Couples counselling will help. Make sure you focus on what you need rather than what he doesn't do. That was the mistake I made for a long time.

It helped us so please be positive about the move. It will be stressful, accept it is and imagine life after the move and counselling.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time atthe moment.

SC keep breathing please - it is worth it!

I hope couples counselling helps for you. DH and I have been bickering more but that is a good thing as we both have an abuse history and have both always been really bad at expressing negative feelings and now we're learning. I had to learn that DH is sometimes as much as a twat as the next person but that I can love him regardless. That was such news to me. Honestly I will never stop to be amazed at the stupid ways abuse f*s with your brain.

Sorry not very subtle tonight. Had an intake meeting with an organisation who can take over therapy once I'm done with my allocated NHS sessions and that was helpful but tough. They've offered to start counselling whenever I want to, which will be in the week after I'm back from seeing the police when I will see my curent counsellor for the last time.

Then tonight had a row with DH ho said I should have guessed from a particular face he pulled that I should not have said something. In the past I would have felt bad and stupid now I told him I'm not clairvoyant and if he doesn't want to discuss something he needs to say so. It was all sorted out quickly but it made me spend all those pent up tears from today and my little boy looked so worried and like he was about to cry himself which made me cry even harder while trying to tell him it was all ok .

So drained now...

I hope you're feeling better now, willsurvive. Men do think we can mindread I find. Durrr.

We're still looking for somewhere to live. It's easy when it's just 1 or 2 people, but a family with a zoo and a caravan is another prospect. We have seen quite a lot of houses, including a few with no heating at all apart from coal fires. One up the road was great but no outside space at all, so no good really.

DD has headlice which is horrible for all of us. Scratch scratch.

On a more cheerful note, I sewed a placket onto my shirt today! Hooray! Who of you knows what a placket is? I had no idea till I had to fiddle about with a silly little oblong of fabric.

SC - is a placket a name label?Only a guess, if not have no idea! Gosh finding a house sounds bit more complicated with zoo etc (I love that description!) - hope looking for somewhere not too bad.

A placket is that little V-shaped gap above the cuff. Who'd have thought it?! V. fed-up with (d)h, and I'm wondering if this relationship is coming to the end. I can't articulate what I am finding annoying, or why I am feeling so alone, or why I am so fed-up with him. I wonder really if I want to be with anyone.

Hang in there for a while.

Just before Christmas I was ready to leave DH, give up work and walk away from my life.

Now, I undestand that DH is helping me.

I'm not saying you're in the same situation but sometimes the stress of situations clouds your view.

Take care.

How are you all?

I've struggled the last few days with memories coming back and the decision to take medication.

After years of not feelingin anything, now that i can, I dont want the medication to stop that. The feeling hurt like hell sometimes, but they are feelings and I can get through it.

For those of you taking Sertraline - does it make you stop feeling emotional?

Hi all - hope you're coping.

So fragile here today - was really on the up but haven't felt this cr*p for a good few months.

Was told yesterday that my office will be closed, should be a blessing in disguise really as there was concern among my loved ones about me going back into that mess and the stress my pending return was causing me and now it won't happen. I have a 1-2-1 with my manager soon to look at alternatives but not sure there will be any - so time for a new job.

But I feel so lost, Willsurvive, senior lawyer/junior manager in legal charity, that's me, has been for 8 years and now what? Why can't I be relieved? The stress would have sent me off sick again within a week.

Guess I'm just not very good with big changes at the moment, and the police interview is coming closer so quickly...Too much happening right now, I want out for a bit

Hi all. ADQ, I'd forgotten that you were going to take mediciation this month (you said that in December I think) so good luck. As far as I know, any medicine for mental health such as ADs etc, don't numb all feeling, they just take the edge off things, so you can function, think and cope better without it being so painful. Would it be worth talking to the person who prescribed it, to share your fear, and then at least you would know what to expect?

Is anyone feeling utter exhaustion?? I can hardly keep my eyes open! Counselling is so tiring BUT unfortunately my dh is not being at all supportive. If I go quiet or feel like life is too much, and go upstairs, then that makes him "furious" (his words).

THe counsellor suggested joint counselling, because underneath all of the stress (we are both very stressed), we know the relationship can work. I talked to him about it, and he said he doesn't want it, and just told me again that I am unreasonable when I am struggling. Great.

willsurvivethis, I hate the fragile feeling. There's only so much anyone can cope with. I hope you feel a little better soon.

Sounds like today is not a good day for us.

I need to stop obsessing about this stuff and find a way to distract myself. I'm finding that really hard at the moment.

I have relayed all my fears about the meds to my psychiatrist and he has been excellent and answered all my questions. I think it's a loss of control I fear. And the unknown.

I've been taking sertraline for donkeys years now. I find that for me it works very quickly (as soon as I take it) and it's fine. It certainly doesn't stop me feeling stuff - it just stops my brain grinding to a halt. It's certainly worth a try! You won't lose control - it's not like taking speed or injecting yourself with alcohol. It should just stop you feeling miserable. The older anti-depressants had awful side-effects, and it really was a balance of would the side effects be worse than the depression. Side effects do exist with the SSRIs, but you may not feel any of them! Go for it! You may feel like a new woman!

ADQ I used sertraline for several years, did not lose feeling with it. I do with a high dose of venlaflaxine.

Saw psychiatrist today - he changed my "diagnosis" I discovered when got a 7 page letter from hospital discharge. Cried for hours last night. Saw him today - he refused to discuss letter, as junior dr wrote it. So got to wait till whole team assembled. He used to be so supportive - he has changed, wouldnt answer direct questions. My cpn on hol for month - no other support available. Feel like cracking, am crumbling, can't cope with emotions. No meds can numb my head, and that is the only state I want to be - numb, so can carry on.

Sorry - pity post. Fight gone out of me now.

How can he change a diagnosis? Have other things come to light. What did he say it was (if your happy to say obviously).

It can be hard to hear new things sometimes. Strange that he wouldn;t discuss it. He is in cahrge f your care isn;t he, so junior doctors shouldn't be writng anything he can;t explain.

Why do you want meds to numb your head? I'm fighting taking them because I have been numb for years and want to feel emotions. I figure the more I feel, the nearer I am to getting better and this thing not having a hold on my life.

Stick in there,. It won;t belong until your cpn is back and you have all the support you want here.

Post whatever you want. Don;t see it as a fight. It's a journey, a blardy horrible one with untold misery on the way, but stick in there.

We care

Hi - nothing I know of come to light. He refused to answer questions. Yes, I told him that the report had his name on it, so he was responsible for its content.

My psych told me to contact crisis team- husband rang them tonight; they said I wasn't on their books so wouldn't help! Husband read my care plan/recent psych letter to them. They said "hurry up we are busy adn contact teh duty worker tomorrow." Husband dragged me to out of hours dr - useless. Said see gp. Two nights now, when I not been safe - hence need to numb my head.

Thanks ADQ, sorry I am normally upbeat - just been thrown back by my psych saying I will never get better due to new diagnosis and my care provision is changing (as no point helping me I gues!)

You are too kind.