I'm getting a termination

[Sadandveryupset]

Hi !
I have posted few posts on my present situation. DH and I had a condom failure, took the MAP and it didnt work as I'm now pregnant. It's still really hard to believe I'm pregnant, it's my third pregnancy.
I cant keep it because I have already 2 young daughters, we cant afford to have another one. I'm so so so sad to have to go trought with it. If I keep it, it's going to wreck my family, I'll never be able to look after 3 young children, we'll always be poor, not being able to afford a house. I love my dds so much and I want to anything I can to be there for them at every levels. Has anyone been in my situation ? How do you live after such a trauma ?

Summer, is your DP set against the pregnancy in every sense, or is it just the financial side? Men can get very worried about providing for their families, especially during pregnancy. Is there any part of him which would like to have another child? Not hinting that there might be, only you know the answer to that. I know I managed to put DP off the whole idea with my worries, and he felt quite negative through the whole pregnancy. Was fine once the baby was born.

Can you go to counselling together before you make your decision?

Just x-posted with you.

I don't want to post as if trying to influence your decision/wishes one way or the other, but as another poster has said, some benefits are available to a very wide range of people. It wouldn't be forever anyway. Child benefit is for everyone who has kids, and child tax credit is available up to quite a high level of household income.

On the other hand, I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but if your dh is working you might not be eligible for means tested benefits.

Will be thinking of you.

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Summerfruit I've been following this on an off and I really feel for you and the pain you're going through.

In terms of your pros and cons, I do believe that the love, joy and happiness that a child brings can outweigh any cons in the world.

And in reality all of our futures are very uncertain, we never really know what is just around the corner. Things can change at any minute. Nothing is certain.

I know that you know all of that. This is ultimately up you and dh and you have to do what feels right for you. Once you've weighed everything up, if you feel that on balance, the cons outweigh everything, then of course you should go with that.

Like everyone here, I support you 100% in what you decide.

But I just wanted to give you the other perspective too. I can see your pain and want you to realise that if you do decide to go ahead, you are so capable of rising to meet those challenges, you don't know what's just around the corner, and I'm sure you will have a wonderful and happy life no matter what.

oh sf, so sorry to read you're going through this. I was reminded of a recent thread. maybe it may help you?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1366&threadid=382533#7779084

If you went ahead, how long would you not be able to work?

One thing you didn't mention on your list, is your feeling of welbeing vs mental turmoil if you go ahead, with what increasingly sounds like a decision you're considering going throught with because it seems like it's 'for the best' or what your dh want, rather than what you actually want

My 3 kids will be sharing a room. For ds4, I don't need to buy anything, and that's with having even given a lot of baby stuff away. You don't need that much really.

How do you think the termination will impact on your marrigae if you go throught with it mainly cos dh wants you to? I'd be concerned about that. Take a look at that thread.

And, needless to say, we're all just trying to help you here, and everyone will be supportive of you, come what may.

(((hugs)))

None of the cons can't be worked around though, they're all transient.

I came to the realisation that I was far more likely to regret a child I didn't have than one I had IYSWIM. I also know that if I were to find myself in the same position again, I would make the same decision. Ultimately it is your decision. I do think that if you aren't sure and were to go with your DH's wishes then you could easily come to resent him for it later on.

Hugs - I didn't have enough love inside me for another baby and my family would have suffered. All that love i would have given my baby I have poured into my boys and DH.

Be strong.

Have read all of this now Summerfruit and really feel for you.
Just below you wrote the pros and cons for keeping the baby. Would it help if you wrote the pros and cons of having a termination, just so you are looking at every angle. Also think it is a very good (and brave) idea to let your dh read this thread.
I have never been in your shoes and don't judge you one bit. You will do what you know feels right deep down in your gut at the time.
One step may be acknowledging that it can't be 100% right. 100% right would be being able to have the baby with no issues or not being pregnant in the first place. It is ok for you to be very angry about that and really let off steam before you sit down to think again.

summer.....I am copy and pasting your cons, and I hope that I can make a valid answer for each. I am not in your shoes however, so I may not answer clearly, (ie, I may answer from my point of view), but it may help you see it differently.

• wont be able to buy a house (don't dismiss this. you may have to shalve house buying for another year, but the market is changing rapidly at the moment, so another years wait may in fact go in your favour!)

• financial pressure with only one of us working (not necessarily. you will most likely qualify for higher tax cradits, or, if you don;t already have them, be now able to claim. and working.....you could go back to work for a little while and then take maternity again. You are not, and will not be, the first/last to have had this happen to.)

• place too small to contain 3 children so we'll have to move and even a bigger 2 bedroom place will be hard to get in our aera, it will be too expensive (babies are tiny to begin with, and then, as I said earlier, the market is changing. we had a tiny two bed flat when we had our DD2, and the second bedroom only fitted in a cot so was tiny......we stayed put until DD2 was 1yo and then moved, and it was then right for us)
• I wont be able to be a childminder for few months (no, but it won't be forever, and if you start now you may be able to get into the CM groups about so that another CM will be able to help you while you have baby. Tis works in nannying circles and this I knw as I trained as a nursery nurse before eing a mum and it worked right for me ack then.....and things are better now in that way ASAIK)

• Money will be a struggle cause everything will be reduce to minimum (money is a struggle anyway for many many of us....this is where tax credits come in)

• We dont have a car (lots of people don't and they manage.....plus, you have managed up until now so a car is a small negative!)

• Pregnancy difficulties due to bad spd, how will I cope with the dds (hmm......this is one that may be harder to overcome....BUT...I had a very poorly girl in DD2 when I was pregnant with DD3, and then when pregnant with DD3 I fell and then suffered from SPD. She was born poorlier than DD2, and then when she was 9mths I fell for DS1.....while pregnant with him at 28wks, I was in a bad car accident breaking ribs and prem labour....was then in hospital almost until he was born at 36wks. WE coped, not great, but we did. I look back and it was hell, yet we got thro, and we even now also have DS2!). (oh, and the SPD didn't actually recur in the boys pregnancys, altho I suffered problems because of the car accident, as it effected DS2 pregnancy because my uterus was mildy damaged from the accident with DS1.....am off on tangent here that is in no way connected, but I am saying that we coped, and we did, not easy, but fairly ok)

All our cons then outweighed our pluses, but NOW, our pluses are huge......and very noisy!

I hope this makes some type of sense?? And that I haven't in fact put you off (wrong phrasing there maybe?)......but I do however believe that should you go thro with something you are not 100% sure aout, you will never really recover fully......you will learn to live properly again, but you will always have some small part in your heart that will wonder.

Hi Summer - yes i'm still here lurking and watching this thread!

something just struck me and that was the title of your thread 'feeling depressed..etc' it's quite a strong thing to say and if even the feeling of getting a termination makes you feel that way then actually going through with it seems to me to be a big gamble with your happiness.

obviously all your list of cons are valid reasons but they are all to do with external circumstances which could change - they are not to do with your inner feelings which matter in my estimation a lot more.

Hello, I'm still keeping a look out for you honey.I think your heart wants you to keep the baby and your head knows it will be hard. Thats exactly how I felt.My husband prefered the termination option and I knew I just had to do it.But because in my heart I wanted to keep it I've had a bumpy road.Even now when I think all is much better I saw a pregnant woman in my clinic today due on my EDD and I had to walk out the room and have a cry.
Having a termination when you really in your heart don't want to is almost as hard as dealing with the things in your cons list.It will be extremly hard for you both b ways but by not having the termination you won't have the extra guilt that it would have caused too.
I really really feel for you. I hope mumsnet is helping.Whatever you do don't do it alone, mumsnet never judges.
x x

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Big hugs to you honey but I agree with justabouttohavetakeaway piza , I think you want to keep this baby. If you were a single parent and it was soley your decision , would you have it?

Yes, a month ago before my termination i was suprisingly calm on the day, so calm that I was taking in my surroundings and all the other people waiting in the clinic.

Think hard honey. Hugs.

Summerfruit I have to say I agree with justabout...pizza (and the others) too. This isn't about pressuring you, but making sure you make a decision you are happy with. If you're thinking "Oh &%^%* off, I've made my decision" then that's good if there's any doubt please think some more. Does anyone know if there's such a thing as emergency counselling?