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Original poster

I'm getting a termination

419 replies

Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 10:28

Hi !
I have posted few posts on my present situation. DH and I had a condom failure, took the MAP and it didnt work as I'm now pregnant. It's still really hard to believe I'm pregnant, it's my third pregnancy.
I cant keep it because I have already 2 young daughters, we cant afford to have another one. I'm so so so sad to have to go trought with it. If I keep it, it's going to wreck my family, I'll never be able to look after 3 young children, we'll always be poor, not being able to afford a house. I love my dds so much and I want to anything I can to be there for them at every levels. Has anyone been in my situation ? How do you live after such a trauma ?

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 10/01/2008 11:59

I was given some very good advice once, not about anything like this, but i was told. Don't listen to your head, you will talk yourself out of it, dont listen to your heart, well nuff said. You have to listen to your guts! The feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, that is the one to listen to.

I think you are a very selfLESS and wonderful mother and a very strong person. You are doing this for your children, end of story.

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 12:07

Now I have to wait 2 weeks and a half before anything happens.. Thank you once again for all your answers...Lucy, my guts are telling to go trought with it

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needmorecoffee · 10/01/2008 12:14

you really need some counselling. I understand your reasons but could you come to resent your other kids if you're doing it for them?
I did end up with 3 kids under 3, all 15 months part and yes its hard. Financially it was difficult (child tax credit didn't exist then) but we still had all the baby stuff. I don't regret keeping the baby but none of us ever know how we will feel thinking about the route we didn't take.
I hope you have some good friends to support you through all of this, don't try and do it alone.

Rhubarb · 10/01/2008 16:22

Why do you have to wait?

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 19:21

Rubarhb : That's the procedure, I think they put you on waiting list as mine is a really early request, people who leave it late are priority..
I'm never going to ressent my children for that, I want the best for them more than anything.

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lulumama · 10/01/2008 19:26

oh angel, how awful . i wish you strenght to get through this difficult time....sometimes we have to make difficult choices that seem unbearable in life. does not make you a bad person, a bad mother or someone who needs punishing. be kind to yourself x x x

pirategirl · 10/01/2008 19:26

I am for your situation. I had to make this decision once too.

For different reasons of my health firstly, then becuase of that my dd would have suffered.

As long as you and your other half are talking, agreeing and supporting each other in this thenif it is what you are more inclined to do then so it must be.

You will hurt, and grieve, yet you may also have a sense of relife, for doing the 'right thing' for your family as it stands.

tulip27 · 10/01/2008 19:42

I went through the smae thing last May. I had 2 children under 2 already abd just felt that our family couldn't cope with another emotionally or financially. Having the termination was hard and some days I still cry even though I know it was the right descision. The baby would have been due in 2 weeks time and I look at my family and really believe I will never forget the baby I didn't keep but I am glad I am not about to have another one.
Please try and get counselling first though as it can be a tough old ride once the deed is done.
If I can help in any way, if you need someone to talk to afterwards I will give you my email address. Some times its easier to talk to someone you don't know, it makes it easier to be honest.
How pregnant are you?

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 20:05

Thank again all for your nice words..Tulip, I have seen the doctor yesterday and he seemed optimistic as I'm not even a month pregnant...to be honest I'm still hoping my periods are going to arrive, but how unlikely..my periods were due anytime between the 8/01 and 12/01...still nothing..and I have done a clearblue test on sunday and it says I'm pregnant...you see even writing these words seem unreal..I cant believe I'm in this situation...I think it's going to get real when I'm going to get the letter for the appointment...my dh tries to reinsure as he can, saying it's just a bunch of cells, but no it's not only that..I'm so confused.

OP posts:
tulip27 · 10/01/2008 20:17

To a woman I think the minute you become pregnant its a baby, never just cells. If you are only just pregnant you could have a medical abortion which just involves taking a version of the morning afterpill to make you miscarry. I was 6 weks pregnant when I had mine. It was very simple and very painless. I went private in the end as I didn't want to wait until it had a heart beat etc.Although (I'm a practice nurse) and a patient brought me a passed miscarriage of 12 weeks gestation and it really looked nothing like a baby.
I felt just like you, I knew I had to do it but it didn't mean I wanted to. I spent many hours crying and changing my mind but I look at my children now and think how much time I can give them and how they are flourishing with this and I know if I was to be having another child now how their life would be turned upside down and they would never get the level of attention I can give them.
I think aborting the third child can sometimes be the ultimate act of motherhood.

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 20:25

I think I'll be also 6 weeks by the time it's happen..as you I'm going to take this pill..everything you are saying makes sense, it's really for my daughters I'm doing it, I really want to have the chance of being a good mother, I want to give all the support they need...if I was going trought with having this third child..I picture my second dd be left out..she will be only 1 year and 4 month..she will need me a lot...I love them so much..

You know, we had DD1 by accident? dh and I were only 6 months together, but I have never considered an abortion..it was really early, I was taking a lot risk but in the end it was alright..we didnt have money but she's such an amazing child, you wouldnt believe how she is..

But for this one, one split condom, one morning after pill and I still got pregnant, it's so unlucky..

OP posts:
tulip27 · 10/01/2008 21:02

My two children are 15 months apart and it was seriously tough. I felt though that the baby got little attention except for the feeding, nappies. burping and any time I had left I gave to my son. No time for me cue a lot of weight and sanity loss. But, the children are now so so close, they always think of each other and are even asking to share a bed because they don't want to be apart. I appreciate though that as you already have two children perhaps your little one has already been left out a bit to give attention to the older one so I understand the middle child problem.
I would have had a 3 yr old a 2 yr old and a baby. Instead I have just the two, have just managed to return to work part time and have such a wonderful work/life/emotional balance I know that I did the right thing.
The termination itself was quite painless, I had some period type cramps and bled for 2 weeks. But I have really had to think a lot about what I did and why and learn how to live with my decision. Its made me a different person in so many ways.
For months I couldn't walk past a pregnant woman without bursting into tears and I nearly considered getting pregnant again to make up for the terrible crime I had commited( definate post abortion syndrome) but gradually I have come to accept that its not the crime so many people would like you to think it is. I do wish though that if I could turn the clock back I just never would have fallen pregnant in the first place.I do hate splitting condoms!!!

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 09:38

Thank you Tulip for sharing your story with me. I know what to expect from now on and I'm still convinced I'm doing the right choice even if my heart is breaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 09:38

Thank you Tulip for sharing your story with me. I know what to expect from now on and I'm still convinced I'm doing the right choice even if my heart is breaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 09:38

Thank you Tulip for sharing your story with me. I know what to expect from now on and I'm still convinced I'm doing the right choice even if my heart is breaking.

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JingleyJen · 11/01/2008 09:46

What an awful situation for you.

My friend is a counselor in this area - if you want me to get you her contact details I will.

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 09:51

Hi JingleyJen, thanks for your help, is your friend based in London ?

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JingleyJen · 11/01/2008 09:55

We are in Cambridge I know she does phone stuff and has contacts elsewhere so perhaps it is worth an initial contact to see if nothing else she could help point you in the right direction?
if you want to discuss this off line email me and I will give you her details
jeni at benjamintong dot com

Oblomov · 11/01/2008 09:56

My heart goes out to you. What a terrible situation. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. I think from your posts, that you are doing the right thing. Hope the counselling helps.

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 09:59

Thanks Oblomov, jingle, I'm going to send you mail.

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Oblomov · 11/01/2008 10:06

Conselling will help enormously. I had a termination. We felt that it was the right decision. Conselling did help though.
Then I had a miscarriage and got my conselling from Mumsnet.
Can't overemphasise how much this will help you.
And we will try and help you and support you through this terrible time.
Mumsnet is at its best in these situations.

Original poster
Sadandveryupset · 11/01/2008 10:16

Thanks for your kindness Oblomov, today is really a off day..the guilt is killing me, I cant help picturing the baby in my head..nobody knows I'm in this situation apart from DH and I and mumsnet..it's hard not to talk about it..but I feel like if I'm talking about what I'm plan to do..well it's complete lack of respect towards the baby..it may sounds confusing what I'm saying..but I'm completely confused

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needmorecoffee · 11/01/2008 19:02

don't know what to say

tulip27 · 11/01/2008 19:30

I have thought of you all day, I know how sick with worry you must feel .I definatly think counselling will really help, you have to be one hundred percent sure.You will need to know that to be able to get through the bad times afterwards x x

penyjo · 12/01/2008 00:30

November 2006 I found myself in the same predicament and was gutted to find myself pregnant. had a ds and dd so always thought my family was complete, having a 3rd was too odd a number, only have a 3 bedroom house, small car, dd was about to start state nursery so childcare costs were going to down, had only just started a great new job.
This was really the last thing I needed and I felt that I would never cope and that I would be depriving my eldest 2 children of love, attention and material goods.

Kept it to myself, never told dp as I didn't want him to share the guilt. When I saw the gp I broke down but she agreed to refer me for a termination. Next week I was sat in the maternity wing where i remember going for my scan with dd. Except this time I was segregated to the termination part got the dating scan and an appointment was made for me to go inthe next week to take the pill.

That was how far i got, after i phoned dp who was shocked about the news but moreso that i was going to get rid of it, his reaction was we'll cope. And we did, although i never told any one else until i was 4 months gone as i was still so ashamed to find myself having another unplanned pregancy at 32. i got through and all my worries became a bit more rationalised and not too awful on the scale of things ie roof over our heads, food on the table, all in good health.
when i look at ds2 now i feel bad at how close i came and how truly special he is, and how i'll try and make it up to him. It is hard work but worth it

Please don't see this as trying to give you a guilt trip, i did have a termination at 17 which obviusly contributed to my feelings even though it was the right decision at the time, but after i had my pfb my right to choose stance became a lot more conservative.