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Original poster

I'm getting a termination

419 replies

Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 10:28

Hi !
I have posted few posts on my present situation. DH and I had a condom failure, took the MAP and it didnt work as I'm now pregnant. It's still really hard to believe I'm pregnant, it's my third pregnancy.
I cant keep it because I have already 2 young daughters, we cant afford to have another one. I'm so so so sad to have to go trought with it. If I keep it, it's going to wreck my family, I'll never be able to look after 3 young children, we'll always be poor, not being able to afford a house. I love my dds so much and I want to anything I can to be there for them at every levels. Has anyone been in my situation ? How do you live after such a trauma ?

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 17/01/2008 09:11

Hello Summerfruit - thinking of you and dh.

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 09:36

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psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 09:50

oh summer.

in what way tho did he make you face facts??

does he know just how much this is hurting you deep inside?

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2008 09:53

oh summer - this is hard to say but harder to face - you cannot let anyone else make this decision for you and from your last post it sounds a bit like that is what is happening. Yes, your dh is involved in the decision - but you have to be at peace with it. Are you close to that?

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 09:54

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Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 09:55

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psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:04

why? why would you have to move?

and the disruption to your DD's lives will be a lot worse if their mummy feels forced into going thro with something that will forever hurt her deep inside(IMHO).

And if your DH is one of the ones doing the 'persuading', along with your mum, then (IMHO), you will in some way you will hold it against them which may fester into something HUGELY disrupting further down the line.

kaz33 · 17/01/2008 10:04

Oh Summer - kids can share rooms you know.

You have to feel settled with your decision, you musn't let DH bully you. Give him some space and keep talking if you can as I really think you must find the resolution together.

For us we decided to be brave and face all the issues that made me have a termination. We tried to face all the issues in our relationship, our family life and financial circumstances. A month on, we have had our ups and downs, but our family life and relationship is so much stronger and when I project into the future I see a bright future.

If you don't try and deal with this positively I think this is the sort of thing that can eat away at you. Whether it is a new baby or a termination.

Hugs, keep talking

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2008 10:04

Hang on a minute - you aren't responsible for anything! Things happen to families, lives change - your daughters might have to move for a million other reasons. Your dh can try to reduce this situation to practical issues but if it was as simple as that there wouldn't be any question about what to do would there? I'm so sorry you are in this painful place - here have a hug - and a virtual tissue.

psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:07

and FWIW......if extra children made that much difference, then we would be bankrupt.

not making light of your situation, as you are clearly in a lot of pain, and your DH is also (all-be-it in a different way), but really..........one baby really truly doesn't make a HUGE difference.

it obviously makes some, but not massively.

and don't forget, tax credits are there to help, as is child benefit.

there are many ways to manage financially.

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 10:11

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psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:11

and if it is to do with work etc for you......there are ways around that one as well.

and nursery fee's??

hows about you make and write the list out for us to see?

when you are hurting, and in such confusion, sometimes you can't see the woods for the tree's (so to speak), and you have no ways of seeing solutions, only problem.

maybe if we have an insight to how your DH is thinking on the financial front, and you one the 'coping with three' front, then we can point out things that right now, you can;t see, or maybe even don;t know about.

just a thought!

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 10:12

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psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:13

right......for a start.....benefits and living on them for a while are NOTHING to be ashamed of!

NOTHING to be ashamed of!!!!

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 10:14

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psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:15

we are not fed up.....we are really wanting for you to be at peace here, and if it means sitting here 'talking' it thro, then that is what we will do.

(well, between picking up the many clothes that my sons kindly threw around their bedroom that is)

psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:17

sometimes summer, people on the outside, or those of here who have been thro similar (or the same), can help enormously.

even those of us here who haven't been thro it, have huge sympathy for you, and as far as I have so far read, everyone is hoping and praying for you to gain peace, in whatever form that peace may come.

LadyOfTheCauliFlowers · 17/01/2008 10:17

I am sorry, I have never been in this situation before, but where is the shame in claiming the benefits you are entitled to if money is the main problem here?
EVERYONE gets child benefit and millions of people get Child tax credits or whatever. These two things let me stay at home with my kids while DH works. I have paid tax, DH pays tax (loads ) so where is the shame in claiming it back?

I agree, I don't quite understand why the responsibility lies at your door alone? You both had sex and it is a a bit naughty of your DH if he is making you feel this way. He must understand this baby is growing inside you and it will be a very different and harder decision for you to make.

I may be preg. with our 3rd DC, I will find out of Monday, and DH has told me, if I am, despite the fact I didn't rape him , he cannot handle another and I am to 'get rid'. Needless to say I am not best happy with him atm. He gladly had sex with me, now cant face the consequences. That is really not relevant to you, think I just wanted to get that off my chest....

As has beensaid, kids can share rooms, I did and my mum and dad were quite wealthy when I was growing up and I am fine. My boys share and if I am preg and this baby is a boy it will be bunk beds and a single in there. If it's a girl it will be a cot in our room until we can work something else out.

Ignore all the crap I have posted if you want, I am not too good at wording thisgs sometimes and come across a bit off, but I am not meaning to be, I am just not convinced this is what you really want, in your heart. x

SoupDragon · 17/01/2008 10:22

3rd children aren't expensive, or they don't need to be really.

Anyway, I faced this with BabyDragon (despite her being planned - took much longer than expected and I'd mentally moved on IYSWIM). My lovely & wise GP said that the people who cope best with a termination are those who see the pregnancy as a problem and not a baby. I was definitely in the latter camp and this made me realise I could not go through with it - I got over my "wobble".

3 has been fine. DS1&2 have had to make compromises as we've been unable to do some of the things we used to do because of DD but they love her dearly and certainly don't resent her for making them miss out on stuff.

Good luck with whatever you decide. x

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 10:24

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NorthernLurker · 17/01/2008 10:26

Good Luck with your situation - whatever it turns out to be - Lady.

Summer - am struggling for useful words so will just hand over another hug.

psychomum5 · 17/01/2008 10:28

I am so very for those here who have been/are now in the same situation.

when I was going thro this, I truly felt alone in my feelings.....I had no clue that others have/had the same 'problem' (It is not a problem, BYKWIM).

I was very lucky tho, as my DH knew that it was ultimately my descision (my body/my choice etc), and promised to support me whatever the choice I made.

MIL was another kettle of fish altogether, but she soon realised how wrong she had been (well, PIL put her straight in fact!), she too supported me.

what it boiled down to with us was

we had the room to fit another child (they love sharing)

we had the room in the car

we had the love availiable (your heart has the ability to extend massively you know)

we didn't have the money really, but we do qualify for tax credits and the CB went up, so that was/is an enormous help

StealthPolarBear · 17/01/2008 10:42

Summerfruit glad you have given yourself more time but sorry you are still struggling.

saturdaynight · 17/01/2008 11:13

Summerfruit, just catching up and hoping you ok. Perhaps these few days have made you stronger and more committed to going ahead with the termination but if not remember this choice is still yours to make. Yes I think you have to consider your Dh but ultimately your feelings and wants are more important. If you go ahead for him will you have destructive feelings of resentment and anger. You have to do this, you have to live with it. Your DDs will adjust to whatever you decide. Don't worry too much about your DD's friendships, by the time she's a teen it's likely she have gone through a couple of different sets of friends.
I know you were planning on working but can this be postponed for a year or so. You cannot assume that things are going to be worse, there is a chance they could be better. Some things can be put on hold for a while , not cancelled for ever.
I know I am influenced by my own experience,and the fact that your reactions and emotions are so like mine were.I am concious that what was right for me may not be right for you. We have four children now and we learned to just put our trust in fate ( winging it as my DH says). Things don't make you happy, loving and being loved does. At the end of the day if you can put your hand on your heart and say I am not going ahead with having this baby because I really don't want to , and I can deal with this, then you are doing the right thing. Otherwise maybe take the chance

Summerfruit · 17/01/2008 11:52

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