I'm getting a termination

[Sadandveryupset]

Hi !
I have posted few posts on my present situation. DH and I had a condom failure, took the MAP and it didnt work as I'm now pregnant. It's still really hard to believe I'm pregnant, it's my third pregnancy.
I cant keep it because I have already 2 young daughters, we cant afford to have another one. I'm so so so sad to have to go trought with it. If I keep it, it's going to wreck my family, I'll never be able to look after 3 young children, we'll always be poor, not being able to afford a house. I love my dds so much and I want to anything I can to be there for them at every levels. Has anyone been in my situation ? How do you live after such a trauma ?

Hug accepted, thankyou, but not really deserved.

Summerfruit I have to admit to feeling relieved as I get the vibes that you may want to continue this pregnancy deep down.

I feel sad for you when I think of you walking around in the rain lost in many ways, you poor thing, I hope you can get peace soon.

Summerfruit, don't know if you still around but glad to hear about your decision today. From what you said over the past few days I think going ahead with it wouldn't have been right for you just now- giving yourself,and your DH, space and a clear head to think about all the possibilities is a good decision. Take care

Magsi,what a brave,honest and rounded post. No one here to judge you, you deserve the hugs .

a comment from me to magsi too.

I am a great beleiver in what will be will be.

I think we are all, over our lifetimes, given challenges.

I am not sure in there being 'god' as such, but maybe some type of higher power(????)....and if my belief holds true, then I really feel that we are only given challenges that we can face and grow from.....not as punishment but as a growing and learning experience.

I have been blessed with children that over their early years all have needed some type of hospital care.....immune deficiancies for one type of health problem.

I have been given these children because I am the right mum for them......you however have been blessed with your disabled child, not as punishment, but because you are the right mum for them.

we are given only what we can handle. sometimes we don't handle them as we think that we should, but years later we will (hopefully) be able to look back with wsdom and know that, in fact, we did handle it in the way we were meant too.

It is like my comment on the cards we are dealt.....soem we handle, some we drop, and some we lose.....and then 1/10/20yrs later we see the reason for that card.

don;t ever feel as tho your child was a punishment.......he/she is far from that.....they are a gift to you because you are strong enough to give the love and care they deserve.

and summer....still thinking of you and sending hugs.

good morning summer, I read your thread yesterday and have been thinking of you all night.

A couple of things stood out, maybe sometimes tings are clearer from the outside and when the reality of the situation isn't a personal reality iyswim.

1. You say how (understandably) upset (understatement) you are that this accident happened. YOu only have sex 1x every fortnight, so slim chances anyway. You were in between contraception, your appointment for the coil was almost due, you used a condom, you took the morning after pill. Really you couldn't have done more to avoid pregnancy. Yet you are pg. So maybe it wasn't an accident? Maybe this is really meant to happen? For whatever reason not known to you or I maybe this baby is meant to be born to you and it's a tenacious little thing.

1. You were in 2 minds before your appointment. You posted I think the day before to say you weren't sure if you could go through with it (surely on its own enough reason to do as you wisely did and at least wait) Anyway, you said "I do think that I'll take the decision the moment I'm at the door.." And your decision was no to. Maybe you need to trust yourself.

btw, I'm with whoever said, the list of negs will ineveitably be longer, but they are going to be lots of (in comparison) small things. OK, finance and coping aren't small, but compared to the enormous love you have for a child (as you've demonstrated by the love you describe for your other 2 dcs..)

For what it's worth, my 3 boys each have a room of their own. One has a double and every night they fight over who will go in the duble, no one wants to sleep in their own room. In the summer we'll move to a house where there'll only be 2 bedrooms for them I asked who would share and who wanted their own room. Answer - Can't we all sleep together in 1 room? So sharing isn't nec. always a bad thing, tho I can see when they're teens that's likely to want to have their own space.
I found out in October I was unexpectedly expecting dc4. I think my words were OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD etc for about 3 days. Was in diff. country to dh and didn't want to say over the phone. I was terrified of telling him. He'd found babyhood of ds3 easy, but toddlerhood very difficult. Once upon a time we'd wanted a 4th, and tried for a year! but the toddlerhood was so difficult dh changed his mind. I agreed, because it was no fun watching them battle, we gave up trying, i gave away baby stuff, dh now living and working in different country, we're due to emigrate in summer - and what do you know, pg with no. 4. Timing really crap, living apart, baby arrival and emigration happening at same time tc etc. Ultimately our situations are a bit different, in that well a couple of years ago anyway, I actively tried for this baby. But now it was a big shock.

I can understamd a bit.
No one envies you your decision.
I and so many others wish you well and the strength you need to make the right one for you.

sorry this has been so long.

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Justabout and psycho, thanks for your thoughts and I appreciate you taking the time to think about what I wrote.

I just wanted to say quickly, as I don't want to take up Summer's thread anymore than I already have, that perhaps I worded my post wrong. I feel that my Ds1 being disabled is somehow a punishment for HIM, not ME, because of the decisions I made. Actually, I suppose therefore that it is a punishment for me seeing Ds1 struggle so much.

I would also like to say that I absolutely, 100%, adore my children, including Ds1. I do think he is a gift and his disability makes him who he is and I love him for it. There is not a day goes by without me feeling insanely proud of Ds1 and what he has achieved considering what he has against him.

I just think that when I made those decisions to take 'life into my own hands' and throw it away like I did, I underestimated what a shadow of guilt it would leave over the rest of my life. And nothing exagerates that feeling more than watching the children I have now, grow up. I do believe there is something 'up there' and I do believe in fate and that we all have our own 'life calendar' mapped out for us. If anything, making those decisions in my 20's and carrying round that guilt has made me lavish so much love and attention onto my children I have now.

So sorry Summer for taking up your thread.

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Hello Summerfruit. I've been watching this thread and almost posted before , but it's such a complex subject I don't know whether I can add anything useful. Really, I just wanted to say that your situation sounds a lot like the one that I was in a few years ago, right down to the making appointments for the termination and then cancelling them. Funny thing was, when I cancelled them I didn't feel a huge wave of relief and positive feelings about the pregnancy, just more indecisive.

I think I was equally for and against the pregnancy going ahead, basic maternal instincts against my own gut feelings about mine and my other child's happiness. (Part of me wanted the pregnancy more than I thought, as I KNOW if I was pregnant now I would be straight down to Marie Stopes without all that dithering.)

I don't know what the answer is - I think there is no right answer in this situation, and looking for one just made me feel worse.

I went ahead with the pregnancy and all is fine now. I did however suffer with depression through the pregnancy and after, which I'm sure won't happen to you, but if you do go ahead and want to talk at all I'd be happy to do so, as I think my depression was avoidable, and would hate anyone be in the same situation.

My BF SIL has two young children and fell pregnant when youngest was 9 months old. She was not financially in turmoil but knew she could not handle having another baby so quickly - and she decided it was not in the best interests of the whole family to go ahead with the pregnancy. She did have a termination. And her first was born at only 24 weeks of pregnancy - he survived and is fine - but it was all very emotional for her. But she did make that decision based on the whole family - which is what you are doing.

Lots of love and hugs to you in a really upsetting time.

PS. I said there's no 'right answer' meaning that I don't think there's a 'wrong answer' either, not that the situation will be dire whatever.

It sounds a bit as if, like it was for me, the choice has become so 'make or break' that you are paralysed by it. It's easy to say when I'm not in the situation, but it is just another choice in your life - you made one when you took the morning after pill and you will make many more in the future which will change the way your life goes. I think you will be fine whichever way you go with this, though I realise that's a terribly glib thing to say.

Just wanted to say sorry that you're having to make a decision which you're obviously finding hard. Hope that however it turns out is right for you.

still here! hope you're okay, summer.