I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[cherryredretrochick]

LEM, hope you are feeling a bit better this week. Hows it going ?

[lucyellensmum]

not so bad, bit stressed today - dave got a fine for his insurance being out of date, he was supposed produce his driving liscence by tomorrow, but we cant find it, having turned the house upside down - so now he has to go to court and incur further costs, its farsical, it would be funny if it ws not my life!"

[cherryredretrochick]

Well it's not my life and I don't think it's particularly funny love. Life really can be a bit shit sometimes can't it.
Can you phone DVLA? don't know if they would be able to help but worth a try.
(((((((Big Hugs)))))))

[lucyellensmum]

cherry, i hope my post didnt seem sarcastic, i didnt really mean it like that. I probably should have said, it would be funny if it wasnt real life or something like that. Actually, DP and i have sometimes sat and laughed about the way things seem to pile up.

Thanks for the messages of support. DP is going to the police station today to talk to them, could only speak to a different station on the intercom yesterday because our station is only open in the mornings

[cherryredretrochick]

Not at all, the problem with the internet is you can't see faces isn't it. I was just thinking how shit everything always seems to be at once and that your problems are not funny when they make you feel sad or stressed IYSWIM. re the police station what happens if you get murdered in the afternoon .

[lucyellensmum]

Well i suppose you would have to phone the dog warden to scrape you off the pavement. But do TRY to remember to get killed on a weekday as you have no dog warden OR police station.

What frustrates me is we are probably now going to have to pay ahefty fine, for an oversight, well two oversights, we dont have a defense, but losing your driving lisence (who knows it might have even been stolen) is hardly the crime of the century is it. So, it must have been the end of the month and arrest rates low or something. Last new year a very dodgy bloke supplied my 15 year old daughter with copius amounts of alcohol, we reported this, EVEN my daughter made a statement as this man put her in a very dangerous position and she was really scared. They came round, took statements, DD was scared of repercussions, we never heard from them again!!!! Dont get me wrong, i have utmost respect for the police, but you can understand my frustration im sure.

[cherryredretrochick]

I would imagine that 50% of the population have no idea where there driving licence is.

As for the arrest rate, it is easier to get money out of motorists than actually fight crime. A couple of years ago I was driving through a very rough area when a bicycle appeared from the pavement and landed on my bonet. I stopped and looked round for the rider but couldn't see anyone, when I looked in the opposite direction there was a gang of lads heading towards my car. I drove off at full speed, stopped when I felt safe and phoned the police. They told me to report to the nearest police station where I would be arrested for leaving the scene of an accident. WTF.
Anyway they just made me produce documents etc, acouple of weeks later I got a letter stating that they had decided not to press charges.
After that i actually got a questionnaire asking what I though of South Yorks Police, I thoroughly enjoyed filling that in let me tell you.

[lucyellensmum]

Something positive: Got the tax return back from accountant this morning, we were terrified of not being able to pay the tax bill - it seems, after all, they have to pay US!!!!!!

[Wisteria]

Yay!!!! Now get that haircut

That's wonderful news -

[cazzaben]

Just been reading the threads...
How are things now???? xxx