I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[lucyellensmum]

assesment deadlines, ahhhhhhh sticking two pencils up my nose and shouting wibble.

Its funny actually, the sort of pressure i feel regarding the debt was something i used to feel regularly while studying and jugglind deadlines, but somehow that felt a positive thing.

Heres a thing, i noticed i was spotting yesterday, with tummy pains, thats about it for my period as i have a marina coil ( the devils contraption), it seems i always feel like this with my period. Might make appointment to discuss with doctor before she goes and has her baby.

[Niecie]

I've had one of those coils since DS2 was born. I have been wondering lately whether it is contributing to me gaining 3 stone since DS2 was born.

Or was that just too much chocolate.

I am sure you know that a lot of people attribute their depression and a host of other things to their mirena coils. Is it worth having it out? I have contemplated it recently but I only have 8 mths to go until the 5 years is up so I'm not sure whether to bother. Although not being bothered is in itself perhaps a reason to have it out. I don't seem to be bothered with much these days.

I have to get DS2 from nursery in a minute and haven't done half the reading I was supposed to. Where has the morning gone - again?!

[lucyellensmum]

I'm very skeptical about this coil. I actually think my depression has become more acute since i have had it. Admittedly, i did have a lot of shit thrown at me, all post natal, but i usually am a strong person (though you wouldnt think so from my threads and general whining on!!). One of the reasons i had it was because of my killer pmt, and also because we were getting lazy with the condoms. It is hard to say whether the depression is caused by the marina. If you listen to the doctor at face value, they will tell you that the progesterone release is local so it shouldn't cause mood changes or weight gain (i too have put on about 4 stone!) but i don't buy it. I cannot say exactly because i would have to get my old text books out but one of the things that is really important with the menstural cycle is feedback loops, so as one hormone reaches a threshold level it effects the levels of other horomes in the system and that is why we cycle. So, the high levels of progesterone locally must affect the levels of other hormones in the blood stream. That is my armchair biology point of view, i would have to look it up, but i also think there are far to many threads on here alone to ignore it!!

So, you would think i would remove the bloody thing. I would, but i couldnt bear to become pregnant again as i could never cope emotionally with a termination but there is no way i could cope with another baby, so dont want to take the risk. I have asked DP to consider a vasectomy but he is a wuss of the highest order and goes faint at the mere mention of it. That does make me cross actually as i would imagine that a vasectomy is only as painful as a local injection, with some discomfort afterwards. NEver mind us having a bloody coil poked through our cervix!! I little prick is hardly the end of the world

I've had a good day today - DD enjoyed the ball park and then we had lunch, DD had the biggest icecream in the world. Ive done nothing in the house and nothing about the bills, but i needed a day off

[Niecie]

Part of the reason I haven't had it out (although I have only suspected it of being a problem for the last year) is that I am worried that it won't change anything if I do and that I will still be an overweight blob with no drive and ambition and a generally grumpy disposition! I am kind of blaming it a lot of what is wrong and if it isn't to blame then there is no quick fix or happy ever after.

Then on the other hand if I do have it out, I may just discover that it was the cause of all that is not good in my life and then I will be fed up with myself for not having it out sooner. I can't win either way!

You are welcome to call me mad if you like.

I think I read on some American site that a large group of women are preparing a class action against the manufacturers. I don't think there is any doubt it has an adverse effect on some but who those people are is difficult to tell. On the face of it it has been great for me - no periods for the last 4.5 years! But if it is causing all sorts of other problems which aren't obviously linked to it then not so good.

Men are such wimps sometimes! You would think that having his DP happy would be enough to get over your DP's opposition to the snip! I say that in the knowledge that DH would be exactly the same if I put the idea to him.

You aren't being whiny by the way. You have a lot on your plate at the moment - enough to make anybody anxious and depressed. Carry on moaning here if you want to - we can take it.

Glad today was good though.

[hellobellosback]

I couldn't take the pill because it made me even more miserable than ever! I wouldn't be surprised if the hormone coil didn't cause ANY problems. I have a bog standard copper coil and it's fine. No hormones, no extra moods, nothing to remember, no unexpected pgs...At least I know my moods are my own!

Why the Mirena?

[lucyellensmum]

I had a copper coil before, i was in agony and bled profusely. Marena as apposed to the pill as taking the pill makes me feel sick. I have, on several occasions asked my doctor for an opinion and she is quite adamant that it is not the coil. I would take the thing out myself if i thought it would help, but i just cannot live with another pregnancy.

Also, to be fair, i was having a hard time before the marina coil. Didnt weigh quite so much though . It was interesting that when i lost so much weight post baby and due to gall stones (four stone in eight weeks!) i liked my body less than i do now - ive got amazing tits!!

[hellobellosback]

Ouch! Is that why you were given Ponstan? It's the painkiller I was thinking of. What I understand about Mirena coil is that it doesn't cause as many side-effects as the pill. Can you get a 2nd oppinion?

Hope you have a good evening. NIght night

[lucyellensmum]

i'm OK Momma - i have to tackle the accounts this week, bit scary, but hey - onwards and upwards. DP is being more positive about the business so that helps.

[lucyellensmum]

So much for positive thinking!!

There i am finally getting down to the accounts, after a humiliating morning trying to set up bank account - it seems im not even worth ten minutes of their time

Then, THEN DP phones, been pulled over by police, for no reason other than the fact he was driving a white van and has got £200 fine because van not insured. He thought it was, turns out the insurance ran out last THURSDAY!!!

How many more kicks in the teeth are we going to get?

I can't let this get to me, but believe me, im struggling here.

[cherryredretrochick]

Oh Crap, sometimes it just all happens at once doesn't it. What does your DP do, is there any help available for his type of new business IYSWIM. Are you claiming all the tax credits and stuff that you can. Sorry just trying to think of things that may help. Big hug though, I think you need it.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks cherry, i am trying to get all of those things sorted but i have been in such a black hole and im trying to claw my way out. I just feel like crawling back into it to be honest

[cherryredretrochick]

Just remember one thing at a time is the only way to sort anything out. The problem with this parenting thing is there is always so much to do that it is really easy to lose yourself.

[LuckyUnderpants]

Lucyellensmum only just seen this! so sorry to hear your having a hard time, you gave me such good advice when i was depressed before xmas and i wish i could give you some of the same back but im really poo at these things

I really hope things get better for you soon, keep your chin lady, you can get through it.

[lucyellensmum]

so pissed off with DP just now - he knows i have been humiliated in the bank, he knows im feeling really shitty and stressed. He knows i couldnt possibly hate myself anymore than i already do. So, what does he do - comes home and starts raving on about how wonderful his friends wife is!! How that he thinks it really funny that people look down on her in her street (im not sure they even do!!) because sometimes she helps her hubby with a rubbish clearing business, but she has just started a job as s civil cervant no less!! It is like he is in fucking awe of her, i bet she is younger and prettier than me too (wouldnt be difficult - i got a look at myself in the mirror today and thought, christ, no wonder the bank coudlnt wait to get me out of there - scruffy, greasy hair, shopping trolleys under my eyes, mad look in my eyes)

So, thanks DP for your self esteem building bullshit. I think it was a dig because im so behind with the accounts. um, he could always do them himself!!!

[cherryredretrochick]

F him love. and you are gorgeous, if not always outside/

[ohforaname]

LOL CRRC!
Men can be such arses. I have similar situ with my definately much younger/prettier next door feckin neighbour! DPs eyes agog everytime she struts past the window and he can't wait to tell me anything new he's heard about her
And yes I too have had to point DP in the direction of his "accounts" (unsorted pile of statements/receipts) and remind him that it's "his" business!
Are you me LEM????

Joking aside, I hope things are going ok. Personally can't wait for January to be out and spring to be round the corner, especially as my stockpile of xmas chocolate has wained very thin

[lucyellensmum]

hello, to be fair, i was a bit of a low ebb when i posted that . But now i have sorted DPs accounts for him, and i feel quite good about that - if not totally knackered!

DP is a star, i just wish i could support him more in the business, maybe today could be the start of it.

[cherryredretrochick]

Today is a new day, and it is going to be a good one, hust remeber that. Remeber what you achieved with the accounts, now think of one small thing you want to achieve today (I am not saying the accounts was a small thing). And everybody wants to bitch about DHx even though they are wonderful really, we all know you love him dearly they just have a way of getting to you at just the wrong time don't they.

[dolally]

lucyellenmum, everybody is so right. Split evrything into small chunks.

As for clearing up - it doesn't need to be a whole room, just start with a clutter spot, a desk...a coffee table even...chuck what you don't need and polish the surface and bung a bowl of flowers on it...that kind of thing. Like doing the accounts (well done by the way!) it makes you feel a little better. And more motivated

Don't mean to minimise your problems but this kind of philosphy really does work if you let it!

Have you heard of flylady.com?
Have a look?
A lot of what they say is quite inspiring and what they say about perfectionism really makes sense(although a bit American iykwim)

I subscribed to their emails (free) though I have to say I only ever read one a week at the mo. Too knackered or too busy!

Good luck!

[lucyellensmum]

thanks everyone, your words of support keep me going.

I dont know why i was putting the accounts off, i always done this, think something is too difficult and then procrastinate - it didnt take THAT long and it wasn't exactly rocket science

One of the things doing the accounts did show was that DP business is not really working. This will the second year he has earnt about half of what he could earn working for someone else, i suspect this year will be even worse BUT that does have its up points, it means that we can get tax credits or whatever they are - the big fat form fell on my door step this morning - scary!! But i think i will wait until we get the accounts back from the accountant before i fill them in, she always manages to magic expenses from places i havent thought of so might get the higher rate.

Does anyone happen to know how much that is??

The other positive is that we are going to take our heads out of the sand. I am going to get straight on with this years accounts and i suspect they wont be great either. This is going to push us into making some changes or put the business on hold for a bit to get straight and then rethink.

Today is going to be a house tidying day but now we are off to the beach with the dog.

I don't really feel as positive as the words i have just posted but i have to take control of my life. Somewhere deeply buried under this cloud is a person who laughs alot - I WANT HER BACK .

[lucyellensmum]

I've actually finished the accounts - yippeeee, it worryingly didnt actually take me that long to do. OF course now i just have to figure out what to do because we dont have the money to pay them.

[jellibabe]

Should be in my bed but worry woke me up. Understand how you feel about finances. Try sites like moneysupermarket.com to get your household bills down. Also if you have credit on your cards and are not paying it off every month make sure you are on a low rate. Barcalycard simplicity is only 6.5 per cent. Am going down financially too but am going down fighting.