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Mental health

I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

185 replies

lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:04

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

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Monsoonrain · 13/01/2008 17:07

Try this for local childcare:
www.nurserysearch.co.uk/preschool.html

I used this to sort out playgroup for my little girl (who is 2 & a half). I went back to work when she was 6m old and she was in a nursery. After having DS I didnt know what to do so left her in nursery while I was on Mat leave, but it cost us £240 a month - we couldnt afford this on my Mat pay but I didnt want her to be doing nothing so to speak. Wanted her to be with other kids cos she was used to it and also prepare her for nursery school (which she starts in Sept!).

Anyways I used the link above and found a playgroup near me, she goes from 9am till 1pm 5 days a week, absolutely loves it and it has been a god send, all for £28 a week, miles cheaper than nursery!!!!

Again ANOTHER thing for your list BUT may help out all round???

A list is a good thing, sometimes things seem worse cos we cant work them out, putting them down on paper clears space in your head!!!!

I write a list and then split them into 1 or 2 tasks per day, so do one heading with "Monday" and write a few things to do, then cross them off when dealt with or if they need following up, write them under Friday, sounds very geeky of me BUT it does help - still no fun actually doing it but MASSIVE sense of relief AND achievement once they are done.

Make the first step and write down what needs to be done!!!!! Good Luck!!!