I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[TtTERoomTidySender]

Hi LEM ? Really pleased it arrived.
Seeing as I contributed to your storage dilemma it seemed only fair that I contributed towards your storage solution.
Hope your DD enjoys her new room and you start feeling much better soon.
X

[critterjitter]

Chuck everything out that you haven't used in the last 6 months. The process is very therapeutic and will clear your mind. So much of what we keep in our houses is just gathering dust, being stored etc. Dump it.

Every night, write a plan for what you are going to do the next day and stick to it. Start writing down short, medium and long term goals. In doing so, you will start structuring your week, month, year and life.

Once you have made progress on these two areas, other areas of your life may start to fall into place.

[1dilemma]

LEM you sound like you've made some a really good start
the other thing I'd ad is get budgetting there are really good ideas on here start using them it will help you control your outgoings. Are there things you can not buy? DO you have a holiday you could miss this year? Good luck

[Monsoonrain]

I really feel for you, if its not one thing its another and most of the time, it all happens at once

I too have no idea how people manage to do things around the house with a LO in tow - I have two, DD is 2.5 and DS is 8 months old, so never really any time during day when I dont have one or both with me.

DH is good and sometimes takes them to his parents for a couple of hours but, maybe im stupid, I use this time to sit down, watch tv or read in peace and maybe have something to eat and drink (absolute luxury nowadays ), basically a bit of a breather - what I REALLY should be doing is putting the mountain of clothes away, clothes washing, tidying, hoovering, etc, etc you get the idea!!!!

There is never enough time to do it all, cant have "ME" time AND do the housework, I could spend all that time cleaning etc and within 2 minutes of DH bringing the LO's home it would look like I hadnt done anything anyway!!!!

Re the debt/money problems THERE ARE SOLUTIONS you just need to spend some time working out how, another ball ache I know, but checking out Money Supermarket or speaking to your bank REALLY can help and might take the pressure off a bit. My in laws were in money trouble which involved the house, they went to bank, worked out something and ended up having a few hundred quid to spare each month, previously they had been a few hundred into overdraft each month, I know it really helped them.

I also do the Ebay thing, but again time to do it is another story!!!!! Wrong time of year but I also do car boots, did two last year, a bit of a nuisance but on the day I had a really good laugh, sold loads of my junk and came home with over £100 (and still a boot full of junk for some reason ). If you are organised and prepared, they can be good fun, like Ebay but without all the fees and posting things, LOL!!!!

Keep your chin up and tell yourself you will get through the shitty times, GOOD LUCK x

[lucyellensmum]

I did wonder if it was the thomas sender who sent to room tidy You are so kind. Lucy still loves her trains and plays with them every day. She did really well this xmas, but i have to say that those are the toys that seem to have the staying power

I am using the room tidy as a washing basket just now, and lucy is being a great "help" putting ALL her clothes in there!

We did used to do bootfairs, we used to make good money, we stopped because it just seemed that dealers were taking over and you coudlnt make any money anymore. Hey ho.

I am very up and down at the moment, i am going to talk to the doctor on monday, it doesnt help that i cannot shift this cold and flu which has now gone to my chest and i have had it since a week before christmas, so feeling v run down.

Im not supposed to be here as have imposed an internet break but have done well with the houseword this am and im having a break.

As for the money - fingers in ears, lalalalalala head firmly in sand. One thing at a time im afraid

[Frizbe]

tip for keeping dd busy whilst you tidy, give her a pack of wet wipes and set her on cleaning all the skirting boards, she'll use all the wipes bit don't worry about that! it keeps her busy for a bit and gets your skirtings clean!!
Sympathy re the tax, self employeed here too, its a sod....make sure you're claiming all your tax credit and getting free dentistry etc if you qualify. You can get tax credits against extra nursery too. Would it be worth asking nursery if they have any teaching places going (pre school?)

[lucyellensmum]

It just gets worse, just when i thought we were on top of things again, DP announces that he wants to pack the business in. This breaks my heart and makes me angry at the same time. For two years we have struggled with nothing and for what? He is so talented but had some complete idiots working for him that were supposed to be his friends, but imo have fucked him over. He paid them a good wage and i dont believe they worked as hard as they should/could have, so he ended up losing money on jobs.

Then i get a letter saying that the bank have turned my OD over to debt collectors and i phoned them today and they will only accept £150 a month and i have to pay the first installment on monday - what with i just don't know. It is my own fault, i stuck my head in the sand and didnt answer the calls/open letters from the bank. The bank, to be fair, were more than patient. This OD has been going for about two years now and i kept meaning to pay some of it off but well, had no spare cash.

I just feel like everything is spiralling now and i can't do anything to stop it - i just want to go to bed and stay there. I can't even play with DD as i just look at her and my heart breaks.

It wasnt supposed to be like this, i was supposed to get a job and earn good money, but this depression has crippled me. Sometimes i feel like i am hiding behind the SAHM thing, but i do feel that because i have always been at home for DD, to suddenly work full time and leave her at nursery would not be fair. It would be different if i had worked from when she was a baby.

I just don't know what to do.

A part time job wouldn't even begin to make a dent in my debts. We are behind on the mortgage again and Dave ended up paying money out to his "friend" again who said he would "help" him get this job finished and took the piss. Basically fucked off home at 3 oclock every day and dave reckons he could have finished the work just as quick on his own. £400 that cost him. Pretty much all the profit from that job. I dont feel angry with dave, he is just too soft to say no. Personally i would have told the guy i couldnt afford to pay him.

I now think we will lose our house, we are just going round in circles now and im not sure i care anymore tbh. We were in the same position last xmas, it is not like we spent hardly any money either. I am supposed to be taking DD1 clothes shopping but havent had the money, thankfully she is being very good about waiting.

I feel so ashamed. I have let everyone down, even you guys. The kindness i have been shown on here leaves me speechless and i just fuck things up over and over and over again.

DP just says i need to pull myself together and i know he is right, i know if i were to get a job things would be much different. But i have no confidence, im over qualified to do anything that i could just get a job in and to inexperienced to get a job in my field.

I am hanging on a thread here. I have pins and needles all over my body and just feel like i am waiting for something bad to happen. Im so frightened. I love my family so much you see, but what is the point. I honestly think they would be better without me. I could walk out of the door and their problems would leave wtih me.

[Niecie]

Lucyellensmum I'm so sorry things have got so much worse, just when you sounded a little more positive.

You haven't let anybody down, least of all any of us. None of this is your fault. You haven't decided to chuck the business in, nor have you been running it. You decided to be a SAHM in good faith and with the best intentions and you had no idea the money situation would get so bad. Sometimes life throws us a great steaming pile of crap but
you will be able to deal with this. You are a strong and intelligent lady and you and your DP will be able to get a plan and make it work.

Have you found out exactly why you DP has had enough? Sounds to me he could do with sacking all his 'friends' and employ people who he doesn't know, who will do as they are told and get on with the job.

First job on money is to get to the CAB and sort out a plan. Talking to them will be a weight off your mind and they will be able to help you.

So sorry it has come to this for you though.

[lucyellensmum]

the thing is neice, he knows that about the friends thing. And then he had the guy working for him again last week . The reason he wants to pack it all in is the wolves are at the door big time and we have no money. At least if he had a job then there would be a regular income. The theory was that we were supposed to have enough money to support my SAHM thing because the business was going to WORK! WE are so good at talking, less good at doing.

The only thing is, with building, he can hop in and out of it as such as there are no set up fees, as he has all the tools he needs, within reason. So i am hoping that we can get back on our feet and try again.

BUT, and it is a huge big terrifying BUT. I dont think we have time, the wolves are salivation. FFS, he didnt even know about my OD until this am it was left over from my student loan. Big waste of time university was for me, i wish i never starteed that.

If only we could buy ourselves six months, i could get DD in some decent childcare (ideally part time for now) and get myself a regular income. That way, i could cover most of the bills while DP concentrates on the business.

I feel so sorry for DP, this is all he has ever wanted and i have as good as taken it away from him. I hate myself so much just now, which in one way makes all the pain i am feeling right now quite cathartic, if that is the right word, because i bloody well deserve it.

I am sorry to be so negative when you are offereing such kind and sensible advice, but i think ive had it this time

[Niecie]

How have you taken away DP's dream, I don't understand - because of your OD? He has to take some responsibility for running his own business and handling his cashflow. It is NOT all your fault.

Do you have any businesses which employ people for an evening shift so you can leave DD with DP and earn some cash. Call centre work would be better paid than stacking shelves. Once you are on your feet financially you can think about your career but an evening job would pay some of the bills and put food on the table.

How long until your DD is 3 and can get a free nursery place?

Does DP have any work for Monday?

[lucyellensmum]

Its not just the OD to be honest, its the whole way i have been since DD born. So dependant on him, i was ill (i know that wasnt my fault) with gallstones, but managed to convince myself it was more sinister. I called him home from work at the drop of a hat and he lost so much money having time off to pander to me and my spoilt behaviour. If i had been more positive and helped more with the admin etc, im sure he would have made a go of it. The trouble is, im like a rotweiller with a bone and we always ended up shouting at each other when we worked on bhe business stuff so i found excuses not to help as i found it too stressful. I just wish i could go back to being the strong independent woman i used to be. I think i was anyway.

We dont live near any call centre type jobs, i dont drive and we live in a small town. I wouldnt mind some bar work, but they just want pretty young things and i am neither. The frustrating thing is i could earn really good money if i put my mind to it. I could out earn DP but i havent got it in me at the moment.

We hopefully have some money coming in at the end of the week but is all accounted for. Then DP has to make some windows, i think he is going to put that on hold and get some agency work to bring some quick cash in. I did suggest trying to get some quick jobs to get some cash flow, so might stick some adverts in shop windows for small jobs etc, as we honestly dont have money to finance the bigger jobs. I think it is called running before one can walk (DP not me). I could very easily get angry with DP over some of the stuff he has screwed up on, but i could have helped him more, so i guess we need to share the blame.

It is weird, there is a big part of me that can, through the mist, see a positive future. Another that thinks it is just going to be whisked away from us, too little too late if you know what i mean.

I am having a bad day today, hopefully will be more positive tomorrow. I always tend to spiral when DP is stressed, it is almost like a battered wife (which i am definately not) feels when she trys to keep everything running smoothly for her partner in case it kicks off. DP is close to a breakdown and i know that unless i manage to stay calm he will lose it. I just pray i can find the strength.

Niece, you dont know how much your advice means to me - please dont get cross with me, i know i must be exsasperating in the extreme.

[lucyellensmum]

I am going to sign off for tonight, thankyou everyone. I am leaving everything to DP at the moment (that wont kill him for once ) but i want to go and do bedtime.

I will sit and have a nice chat with DP, who seems worryingly calm just now. He is my rock and im scared i might lose him.

Tomorrow is another day!

[SleepIsFoTheWeak]

Hi,

SO sorry you are having a tough time.

A bit of a radical suggestion'; why don't you sell the house?
Surely paying off all your debts, maybe having some profit in the bank and renting for a few years would take the pressure off? We have just done something similar. Have a 1 bed flat - way too small, have sold for a good profit and are going to go travelling around Asis for 3 months (we have never been able to afford a proper holiday), and then come back and rent or w emay move abroad. Making this decision, and accepting an offer on the flat, has taken me from feel depressed and stuck to feeling like I have choices which is hugey liberating.

Then your DH can keep his company, maybe invest into it, then if he does well you can think about buying again later?

Definitely try and count your blessings. I always think that we could never have afforded IVF, so I am hugely greatful for DS.

I understand how being in your situation can really pull you down, but it WILL PASS.

x

[madamez]

Sympathies to you: I am in a similar boat of being broke, jobhunting in a panic and unable to get a grip. Step by step is the only way...

[ManxMum]

Do you claim WFTC?

Can you claim WFTC?

We used to when DH ran his own business.

[lucyellensmum]

ooh, sleep, that is scary, i looked at the time you sent your post - um, i was suggesting such a thing to DP at around that time. He assures me he wont let it come to that. I don't know, it may do and the only good thing i suppose is that we do have about 70k of equity left. But i really don't want to fall off of the property ladder. I grew up in a council house and owning my own house is a big deal to me.

Manx, how crap am i? I don't even get child benefit for DD2. I am sure there is plenty we can apply for. How does it go though with an irregular income?

Neice, you suggested he take on some small job and i put that to him. He thinks that would be good to bring in some quick cash. So i am going to put some cards in local shops see what that brings. In the mean time he is going to get some agency work.

At the moment, he has dragged out his remote control car that i bought him before DD was born and is dismantling it

The LEM rollercoaster continies

[SleepIsFoTheWeak]

well it is good to have a fall back position!

Get your benefits sorted, it all adds up!
It took me ages to get around to it too, dont worry

You sound like you have a great DH by the way

[lucyellensmum]

yes but DD2 is 2.5!

[choosyfloosy]

Dr LEM, was just going to post to say i was another person reading this and wishing you well, but having read your post i will just add that both the Tax Credits Helpline and the Inland Revenue by phone are really, really helpful.

If Dh remains self-employed, you can forecast his income and claim that way - this is what we do and it has supported us to the point where dh's business is starting to pick up. Ask for their help - please do it - they are really nice if you contact them.

Please do get the child benefit sorted out. It was invented to stop you, personally, worrying so much so that you can look after your children.

I would suggest babysitting as an income stream, and take a domestic task with you - ironing, mending something, packing up items for ebay, doing tax return etc. Much easier t oconcentrate on one task when you are not at home where a thoursand tasks seem to be shouting at you.

[madamez]

LEM: re WTC, you do get it if you are self-employed with an erratic income, because I am and I get it (and without it we would have long ago starved). SO your DP would be entitled to that, which might help.

[mrspnut]

Ring on monday morning and claim child benefit - ask for it to be backdated for 3 months because you've been ill. That will bring you £244.40ish straight away.

Also ring for tax credits and also ask for 3 months backdating. 3 months backdated child tax credit will be about £597 and if your DP's income is low which I suspect it is then you'll be entitled to working tax credit as well and 3 months backdated at the highest rate would be £1033ish so it is worth claiming.

Also go and see cccs about your debts and do not pay the debt collectors £150 on monday that is an unreasonable amount if you are struggling to pay the basics (mortgage, council tax, utilities and inland revenue)

[Walnutshell]

Think you automatically get 3 months backdated anyway. It's one of those jobs that the longer you leave it, the more of a big deal you turn it into. Perhaps get a notebook (not a scrap of paper or back of envelope!) and start a list of jobs to be done relating to finance (inc benefits), house etc. Try not to let the bad feelings override you x

LEM - really feeling for you right now.

[Walnutshell]

You can do this.

You are going to sort it out THIS YEAR.

[mrspnut]

You do need to ask for backdating. It shouldn't be done automatically - but it should be easy enough to obtain.