I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks for the fish slap laurie. I DO spend far to much time on here, but i just get so lonely. I start the day with good intentions and before i know it, its gone, im stressed because ive done nothing, i make a half hearted attempt on tidying up, but honestly, if you guys saw the state of my house you would be !! I have to say it isnt completely my fault, as there is so much building work to be done, yes, my DP is a builder. Because nothing is finished, even when i do make a monumental effort, it still looks shit.

I get so tired, then i start looking for health problems, its like OCD in a way, been checking my breasts most of the day today - thats not right is it??

I know in many ways i am lucky, lucky to have DP lucky to have TWO wonderful daughters, god knows i dont deserve them.

Funnily enough, typing all this shit about myself doesnt make me feel bad, it is almost cathartic. I am one step from giving up, and one step from grabbing the bull by the horns, there doesnt seem to be a middle ground.

The ironic thing is that i said to DP that i felt ready to come off the citalopram, well, that was yesterday, today i made sure i had my appointment with the doctor to get some more!!

[lucyellensmum]

One question about the cleaning? HOW do you guys manage to do this with LOs about? My DD is a sweetheart and will occupy herself but does want mummy to play with her most of the time. Today she was "helping" me with the living room, i just found it really stressful as whatever i was doing she wanted to do. Hoovering, dusting, washing the floor! As for tidying, well, i turn my back and she has pulled all her toys out again, they are all over the floor just now!

[JustOneMam]

have a read when you have time, might ring a few bells

this may help with the housework thing

[Niecie]

Of course you deserve your DD's - they are wonderful because you made them that way!

Is there any chance of more counselling? It sounds like you either didn't have the right sort of counselling or if you did, the counsellor isn't right for you. Counselling is about relationships and some people you get on with better than others.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks for the links, ive VERY briefly skimmed the subtitles, i think i would benefit from CBT, just not available on NHS in our area, and im hardly in position to go private! I will read these though - thankyou

Its strange, i dont feel sad, just resigned, thats not good is it?

[katz]

let her help, give her her own cloth, duster mop whatever get her involved. Make putting her toys away a game, so if she can put them all back by the time you count 10 then she can have a treat.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Lots of good advice here already.

Perhaps you could join the fly lady threads? (never been on there to know if you do that already or not).

Get a diary/calendar and USE it. I have an Organised Mum/Life book and it's made a huge difference.

Tackling one room at a time with 2 bin bags is a good idea. One to fill with rubbish/tat and any toys etc that dont have the right bits any more. The other one is for stuff to sell on ebay or at car boot sales. So you are tidying and earning cash.

If you get rid of the car you will be saving money because you wont be spending money on petrol, tax, MOT and insurance. It doesnt matter that it has depreciated. All cars depreciate in value. What you need to cap is your outgoings.

[TheMadHouse]

Hi There

I too am suffering from depression, anxiety and panic disorder, although the treatment I am getting on the NHS is fantastic (I kind of reached rock bottom) and it was accept outpatient help or be admitted.

One of the best things I did was join the FLY ladies thread. I do not get her e-mails or anything like that, but I do the daily mission and have a list of daily and weekly jobs.

It has made the house tidier and in some way I think it has really helped me. The house was a real shit hole before I started. Even my mum commented on the improvement.

I hope this helps in some way and feel free to contact me to discuss things if you want mad mad house @ bt internet dot com

[Niecie]

Is your Dp's problem a lack of work or a lack of cashflow (is it owed to him but hasn't been paid)?

My DH is also starting up a business, has more work than he can handle, especially this month, but we are still living off a business loan and have no money. We are unlikely to see any of the money earned this month for weeks yet.

[Quattrocento]

Hugs to you LEM

I think there are three issues here, all culminating in a lack of self-worth.

(i) Untidy house. I have a WONDERFUL and very cleansing big clear out every year. I go through every cupboard, wardrobe, cleaning and tidying. I end up with two enormous piles. One to be thrown away and the other to be taken to the charity shops. Do it room by room. It is better than a weekend at a health farm.

(ii) Lack of cash. You should work p/t. See how bossy I am being? Fulfilling work does give people a sense of self-worth. There are stacks of things you could do. What about being a classroom assistant at school (termtime hours) library work, oh I dunno so many avenues open for a gal with brains. All that advice about CAB and ebaying is so good too.

(iii) Health. I bet if you fixed the first two your health would improve.

Am very envious of PhD btw - something I would so love to have done - don't run yourself down - you did that and it's a great achievement.

[Quattrocento]

Hugs to you LEM

I think there are three issues here, all culminating in a lack of self-worth.

(i) Untidy house. I have a WONDERFUL and very cleansing big clear out every year. I go through every cupboard, wardrobe, cleaning and tidying. I end up with two enormous piles. One to be thrown away and the other to be taken to the charity shops. Do it room by room. It is better than a weekend at a health farm.

(ii) Lack of cash. You should work p/t. See how bossy I am being? Fulfilling work does give people a sense of self-worth. There are stacks of things you could do. What about being a classroom assistant at school (termtime hours) library work, oh I dunno so many avenues open for a gal with brains. All that advice about CAB and ebaying is so good too.

(iii) Health. I bet if you fixed the first two your health would improve.

Am very envious of PhD btw - something I would so love to have done - don't run yourself down - you did that and it's a great achievement.

[lucyellensmum]

Niecie, my DP is a builder, it is mostly cashflow, but principally caused by an awkward client holding money back. We havent spoken to the bank, im sure they would split their sides laughing if we approached them for a loan. Half our DPs problem is not having money to finance bigger jobs, it is frustrating. I guess i shouldnt let his stress become mine, i have spent the whole day upset because of one throwaway comment he made this morning, not blaming him, he came home from work in an ok mood. We have had a chat, not resolved anything re the business - i worry that we will lose the house, he reassures me this wont happen.

I am going to look for some part time work to fit in around nursery in the mornings. I do want to be able to spend time with DD before she starts school. I am thinking about teaching so maybe there is scope for a morning classroom assistant. Will start to look.

Notjustmom - my problem is storage, and the fact that we are basically not using two of our rooms. I dont much mind having the toys around, its the rest of the shite, and the fact that nothing has a place so i am always moving from one place to the next. I have always poo pood housework as something trivial, but i am begining to realise that your surroundings ARE important. I dont want an immaculate home, im a messy mare, mess follows me down the street, but this is unlivable.

DD and i did manage to wash the floor and do some polishing together this evening. She gets frustrated that she cant do it all, and i had to pollish the telly 50 times, but we got there in the end. Then she had to "help" me do dinner - bless her heart, we were cutting up carrots and celery, she has only just begun to talk in sentences. She said "wow - this is fun!!!" i could have cried!

I feel a bit more positive. I was hoping to come off of the ADs this year, been on them six months already. I am too up and down though, some of my thought processes are irrational, that worries me. Trouble is, the ADs make me absent minded as hell - today at playgroup, after DD had put her coat on and sat in her buggy, im standing there holding MY coat up, saying "come on then, you need to put.........oh, silly mummy" DD then replies, silly mummy, eh eh eh - we are big fans of little britain

[DaDaDa]

LEM, I always like your posts. You always sound like you really care about your relationship (and your kids of course). Don't be so hard on yourself; just do the best you can.

[OverRated]

Haven't got anything to add but wanted to give a supportive

[Niecie]

It seems to me that practically the most important thing is to get your tax bill sorted. If you can pay some of it but not all, you can pay some on account by 31st January and arrange with the Revenue to pay the rest over a certain time period. They are obliged to consider it and, I would have thought, would be happy to accept it any reasonable plan you come up with. You will need to pay something on account by the end of the month though.

Can you take a mortgage holiday for 6 months to get you through this difficult time? It might be worth asking. Of course, it only delays the debt and doesn't make it go away but it will give you a breathing space to find some work for you or for your DP to collect some of his outstanding invoices and generate some more income.

I don't know for sure but I would have though the CAB would be able to help you with negotiations.

I don't know what kind of building your DP does but would he consider doing some small jobs where he gets paid at the end of the day. For example, I have a slipped roof tile on my house but getting a roofer to come and look at it is difficult because they aren't interested in doing jobs that small. However, I would pay on the day to get it fixed, so no waiting for money to come in. I am sure there are plenty of people like me who want little things done that nobody seems very interested in but which would generate some income quickly for the builder. It would be a shame for him to have to give up a good business for the sake of cashflow.

Anyway, just some thoughts. You have probably considered them already but having money worries isn't going to help your mood or your relationship, no matter how tidy your house is (although that helps too of course).

How are you feeling today? I hope today is a good day.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks niece, today is a better day. DP in much more positive mood. I am sticking my head firmly in the sand regarding the accounts until the weekend when DP is going to make sure i have all the paperwork and i'll trawl through it, while he watches DD.

WE have had a lovely day actually, i took DD to a "playdate" at the soft play centre and she had a really nice time becasuse she had someone to go around the climbing frames with. She had a big grin on her face and kept saying "friend, friend".

DP came home at lunchtime, while i was out and loaded the dishwasher, so i have sneaked a break, we have walked our legs off today, and been on the train (a huge deal for me as i was previously too scared). So i have a today

[hellobellosback]

Money is a bastard isn't it. We have a house that we can't afford, so we've let it, but we still can't afford to live anywhere else. What's the bloody point? As far as I can see, it's completely mad to keep the house.

Are you able to keep the house clean yourself at the moment? Sometimes I look at the chaos surrounding me, pick a few things up and put them somewhere else and generally move the mess around. I am stuck! I think it's something that happens when I'm tired and rundown, then I get better again.

Re: debt. It really IS worth talking to the bank and all the people you owe money to. It can take the strain off you big time.

Glad you've had a better day!

[Niecie]

Glad you had a better day, Lucyellensmum. Getting out the house really helps sometimes.

I was talking to DH today and he says that we don't have the money to pay his tax bill this month (waiting for a lot of invoices to be settled too) but if you pay it by the end of February you get charged a 5% surcharge which is cheaper than most borrowing. Maybe that extra month will buy you the time to collect what is owing to you?

Good luck with the paper work at the weekend!

[lucyellensmum]

neice, that is good to know, i thought they really stung you - i think the end of feb will be ok as we will hopefully be in a better state by then. It is the irregularity of the money that is the problem just now. We are thinking of going to the bank and seeing what they have to say, it is so frustrating but it seems we need money to really make a go of this business and we dont have enough to live on just now - but as i keep saying "he who dares" and "this time next year rodney"!!

[Niecie]

I really know how you feel about the irregularity of the money. DH has started his own business (accountancy practice) but I wasn't keen on him doing that for just this reason. We are living on borrowed money and waiting for others to bother to pay us. Much easier to get a salary, imo, even if you get less money in the end.

Still, I can't be a SAHM, doing what I want and tell him he has to go and earn money the way I want him to. He has to have the right to say what he does with his life.

Damned inconvenient though, keeping us short of money this month.

[lucyellensmum]

I received a parcel this morning - it was a Thomas the tank engine room tidy!!!

What can i say, the parcel was addressed to LEM, at first i thought it was a left over from secret santa, but then the penny dropped.

THANKYOU SO MUCH The message of support that sent to me meant so much to me. DD is really excited about using it and we are going to get her room done and have been talking about what bed to buy, so she is really happy that she has somewhere for her toys

We did tidy our bedroom this morning, it was tough going, and im knacered, but i am so looking forward to having a bath later and getting into my nice clean bed.

Once again thankyou.

[mumemma]

lucyellensmum, you sound much more positive. I hope you are feeling a bit better about things and can see a way forward.