I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[lucyellensmum]

Thanks again everyone. I will phone those numbers, maybe not today, but i WILL do it. Ive made the first step after all, and already i dont feel like such a burden on DP.
"Just remember that this is probably the peak of your troubles (ignoring the fact your dd will be a teenager one day!). " Oh fondant, i had to laugh My DD1 is 17!! And yes, toddlers are MUCH easier

[ohforaname]

Hi LEM
Glad to hear you've been able to make some progress today. It's really worrying isn't it to realise how low and dark our thoughts can get sometimes?

In spite of these thoughts it sounds like you have a great inner strength to find solutions to your problems, no matter how low you can get. You should be really proud to have recognised that you needed support and posted on here, as well as made those calls and talked to your DP (and successfully get your DD off to sleep - there, there's lots of things you've done to feel proud of!).

Also want to say try not to feel like the thoughts you were having were silly or stupid - or that others will think you're silly or stupid for having them. Youarenot. It's what you do about them that matters and the most important thing to do is to talk to someone about them, so you can get them in perspective (they are just thoughts). Which is what you did!

If they ever come back I really hope you'll be able to post on here again or talk to someone in real life too.

Go girl - you're on a roll! (((((hugs))))

[ManxMum]

I plan on just one thing a day. Today it's making beds AND cooking an evening meal! and I always do one thing a day for ME (Mumsnet , talking to a friend on the phone, a bath etc)

Small steps and don't over stretch yourself.

[ladymariner]

Haven't read all the posts, lucyellensmum, but just wanted to say that I think yu're doing a brilliant job of putting things right and I really hope it all works out for you.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

[lucyellensmum]

I do seem to be on a roll. Have finished sorting out DD1's room, a bit painful as she has left home, albeit in a semi-positive way. Living with her boyfriend (at his parents) and talking about getting their own flat (good luck welcome to the real world!), but ive broken the back of it now, and have been able to put some of DD1s stuff up there so have started on this room. I reckon i'll have it done by tomorrow - then its the accounts, GULP, but not quite so scary in a a clear room where i can spread it all out.

HAve made plans with my mother to go into town (bus ride away) to get duplicate birth cert on thursday and then set about getting us the benefits we are entitled to.

This is ALL down to you lot. You all made me realise that i am the only one who can help myself. My doctor is great, my counsellor was useless, but its all down to ME at the end of the day.

I woke up this morning and my first thoughts were "shit, i might actually kill myself today" Not that it was what i wanted, but just that one thing has spurred me on. DD has "helped" so a bit stressfull but i even managed not to shout .

I am still worried that this is too little too late, but at least i will be able to say i didnt lay down and let them beat me!!!

[margoandjerry]

Wow, you have done brilliantly. Seriously. Well done. Look how you can do things and make progress. Now we all just need a little sunshine and we'll all start to feel a bit better.

Hold on to what you've achieved and a little each week will move you on to a better mental space.

[lucyellensmum]

yes, definatley want some nice weather, i have plans for my garden. I have seeds left from last year and there is a seed swap in my town soon. How lentil weaving is that,i'm not much of a environmentalist to my shame, but it is FREE FOOD and DD adored helping me last year

[Wisteria]

Keep it up - you are doing fantastically; make sure you keep the thread too to reflect on how much you have achieved in just a couple of days - you are inspiring me thank you!

[TheMadHouse]

Keep up the good work. If the counceller is no good then ask for another one. Rapport is part of the issue. I am lucky in that mine is great and even during the really hard sessions he somehow manages to make me see the lighterside.

Well done on clearing the room. Tomorrow you must promise to do 15 mins on the accounts and then 15 mins more. set things into bite sized peices and it makes them easier. Once the house is tidier you will find things easier. I make the boys put there toys away and they are 2.10 and 18 months, but as there is a place for them now it is not so hard.

Think of a sentence that motivates you and right it out and also think of one that counters the suicidal thoughts and write it out, make it the first thing you look at in the morning and maybe the thoughts may not surface.

I found when I was really depresed it was hard to pick out the irrational thoughts from the real ones. A bit like weeds in a garden when you are not sure which is weeds and flowers, often writing them down helped me with this.

I am off to see the baby and my neice tonight, but I hope you are feeling better and give DH a hug.

[ohforaname]

Hi LEM it does sound like you're turning the corner, well done you. That's a good idea of Wisterias to keep this thread as a reminder of picking yourself up - you did it!

I remember that feeling - that it is all down to me and god knows where I got the strength from but I put down the pills I had in my hand and got back out there, sorting stuff out (albeit a bit wobbly!). I found that I couldn't swallow them because I couldn't bare the thought of my DP finding me. I then realised I still had some choices and control over my life; doesn't sound much but at the time it was a real eye-opener - life saver even!

Good luck with the yoghurt weaving and sorting out your home and garden, there's a hippy in us all I swear! Don't forget to take small steps, and don't worry if you have days where you don't feel you've achieved so much, it's only natural to have fits and starts (or sits and farts as a good friend used to say!) and you have to take each day as it comes.

I can sometimes get bogged down by feelings that it so tiresome when you've picked yourself up over and over again, to find myself back there again, but each time I have found something new in myself, I hope you do too as thankfully I have never got quite so low since then.
X

[black31cat]

I haven't read all of the posts but i couldn't not respond. I'm sorry things have got so bad again, its scary how low you can get isn't it. A lot of your post could have beeen written by me! It sounds like you're doing a great job of getting on top of things and all you can do is just take baby steps towards getting things sorted.
I'm sorry if this sounds crap, but just wanted to send hugs.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks again everyone.

Interesting thought, yesterday, i couldnt get to take my tablets until the afternoon as needed to get prescription (left to last minute again!). I felt shit this morning, but after i made the phone call i took my pills. That was the first time since i have felt this way that i can say i felt suicidal, not like i wanted to die, but that i was going to do it anyway. Scary huh?

Tomorrow is another day, hopefully another good one. I am realistic, i know i will have good and bad days, DP in foul mood tonight, i think he is still cross about this morning - he also has a sore throat, hmmm, he has to sleep with the dog, i dont want more grollies!!

[lucyellensmum]

Wisteria, i will keep this thread and look back on it, that is a good idea. Especially on the bad days, when i can see that i have had good ones too.

DD has been a little star today, almost like she knew her mummy needed a break, she has been my little helper and really enjoyed going through the stuff in the bedrooms. We even found one of DD1s old polly pockets, winnie the pooh - i thought the little dolls would never be there still - they were. RESULT!

[Wisteria]

That's amazing - we have heaps of polly pocket stuff (left over from a long time ago) but no dolls unfortunately...

[lucyellensmum]

BAD day today - bastard from debt collection left angry message on my phone, NOT happy about the arrangement even though THEY agreed to it.

The bank have closed my accounts and have made it more or less impossible to open other accounts. I have no where to pay child benefit into.

Basically - i'm fucked.

[KatieScarlett2833]

You can either get a Post Office card account (might take a few weeks) or can you arrange in the meantime to have your CB/CTC paid into someone else's account?

The Post Office don't give a fig about your previous banking history. When you call the Child Benefit people, tell them you want to open a Post office card account and they will send you a letter that you can take to the Post Office to open an account. This account is for benefits only, so you can have your Child tax credits/Working tax credits paid into this account.

At least this way the bank won't get their hands on your cash.

[DonnyLass]

Can you sell the house and downsize to clear off some debt.

I know that seems extreme but if it is possible it is amazing what clearing the debt will make you feel like ...

house, car, telly ...its just stuff ... stuff it

anyone who cares about you values YOU not the stuff ...

and doing some kind of work will start making you feel better about yourself -- because you'll feel like your sorting it all out ... I have cleaned buses, worked in a kebab van, stacked breas, sold stuff at carbootsales, on amazon, to friends ... and I have two degrees too ... i find it helps to not be bothered about what you do ... people should commend you for the effort

i thnk youre really brave in admitting its all gone awry ... but you can recover

you have no idea how much people will pay for a good reliable cleaner who makes their life run better ... more than high falluting jobs many a time!

also -- my parents when TOTALLY broke when I was a kid ... moonlight flit etc ... it was the best thing to hold up their habds and start again ... they are the happiest people I know now for they have got through worst dears and survived and it really is ok ...

[DonnyLass]

And you know what ... without a shadow of a doubt ... I know that BOTH your daughters think you're incredible.

They need you ... YOU ... more than stuff.

Everyone stuffs up along the way ... don't let the 'perfect' people at M&T fool you ... they're prob looking at you and wishing their kids loved you as much as yours do!

1 day at a time ... it will be ok

[Niecie]

Sorry today is a bad day LEM. You sounded like you made some progress yesterday as well.

I really would go to the CAB about the debts. I am sure that they will be able to sort out the best course of action for you.

Can you have the CB paid into your DP's account if he has one. You can always change it at a later date. Don't let the bank put you off claiming what is yours. You can have it paid into a National Savings account or a Post Office Card account as well. Apparently the Post Office Card Account is an account into which only benefits, pensions and tax credits can be paid. No overdraft, no credit checks. I think I have seen people in the PO with a card drawing money out. It might be a good stop gap for a while.

I hope tomorrow is better.

[lucyellensmum]

Right - i am NOT going to lay back and let these bastards kick me!

I was humiliated in the bank today, i had some terrible phone conversations where jumped up little oiks have spoken to me like i am an idiot - cunts! (sorry)

I went to make an appointment with my doctor and bumped into my HV, who asked how i was - BIG mistake! I just blurted it all out, about feeling suicidal, everything. I also asked my doctor to call me, she did - said she would write a letter to my creditors. Not sure that will help but hey ho. I told her how i felt, she said, if the feeling doesnt go away, make an appointment to see her - NEXT WEEK!! I am just wondering what you have to do to get some serious help mental health wise!!

Phoned mortgage people, they don't offer mortgage holidays - hmmm, time to shop around methinks!

So, its pretty shit really. BUT, im not going back to how i felt on monday and tuesday of this week. I have got a beautifl little girl asleep in her cot upstairs and im buggered if i am going to let these bastards ruin what we have. NO WAY.

So, on the positive side i have downloaded the CB form, have phoned tax credit people (thanks margoandgerry) and asked for relevant forms. Tomorrow i will take a deep breath and try and open an account elsewhere. If not, i will do the post office account, thanks to whoever suggested that.

I have asked DP to come to CAB with me but he doesnt want to, he doesnt want to end up with bad credit, i think its better than no house!!! But if we can just get over the next month or so, we will be OK.

That is all i am going to ask of myself this week. I feel strange now, calm, and strangely in control - how long will it last, i dont know.

I know i seem to be waffling in a look at me sort of way, but just writing this down helps no end.

Thanks again. I'm going to be OK. I AM

[Niecie]

Fighting talk - that's what I like to hear. To fall back on a well-used cliche, don't let the bastards grind you down!

Bad about the wait for help from your doctor but it is good that you got to speak to your HV. Is she a good HV? They get such a bad press on MN but mine is great despite her uncanny ability to make me cry when DS1 was tiny! I think the woman thought I was suffering from PND because every time I spoke to her it brought tears to my eyes. I was OK until she asked how I was coping which is silly as I was fine, just tired! If you were really bad I think you can admit yourself to a psychiatric ward - I know someone who did that before Christmas but that of course relies on you (or anybody) knowing that you have hit rock bottom which is risky. The lady I know knew she had manic depression so she knew the signs and that things were getting bad.

Do you know what though, I think you are going to come out of this with a lot to be proud of. Getting back on track is such an achievement and you have made a start.

Keep your chin up.

[margoandjerry]

Well done LEM. Can you still get CB in cash from the post office? Might be worth considering if the bank is being difficult. Or think about opening a basic bank account which doesn't allow overdraft (I don't think) but will give you somewhere to receive the CB until the other stuff gets sorted. They are intended for people who are having problems like you but who still need banking services.

look here

Please keep talking

[lucyellensmum]

margo - i will try the bank, it might be tomorrow now as i am taking DD to the play centre with my mum. Bless her, she knows SOMETHING is wrong, but is just busy keeping me busy if you know what i mean.

Niece - The HV is really nice, she is not my health visitor who is over sympathetic and patronising. There is no way i would have opened up to her. I am a bit disappointed though as she said she was going to drop off some telephone numbers to me yesterday and she didnt. I am now starting to worry that i am going to get a visit from social services. They wont take my little girl away from me surely?? [worried].

I did think about admitting myself, but i cant do that to DP, he NEEDS to be out there working, and to drop him in it like that would put him in the funny farm with me. Also, my mum wouldn't be able to stand it as my father, who had alzheimers, was in our local psychiatric unit and it was awful for her. But of course, the big thing is, i cant be away from DD.

I dont feel suicidal, im not sure i even did. It was almost like i was scared that i would do it, if you see what i mean. Like something would come over me and i would just be compelled to do it. I have all my fathers old medication as i havent been able to bring myself to take it to the chemist. There are enough pills there to kill an elephant so i NEED to get rid of them as it is playing on my mind having them in the house.

I am still being positive though, have rung and appeased the water company who sent me legal proceedings this morning . I thought they had been paid. It turns out that they have changed their name to one more or less exactly the same as the sewage company and they both charge exactly the same. So DP thought he had paid them, and i even noticed the bill with paid on it the other day. When i phoned them i got the recorded message saying that they had changed their name. The lady i spoke to said that alot of people have done the same. Great name change there then

DP is being great, i have asked him to see a doctor himself but he is adamant. I am worried about him but its his decision so i have to let that go.

OK, so im off to bounce on the bouncy castle and slide on the slide

[Niecie]

You sound very positive today.

I don't think that SS would take your little girl away just because you are ill. Even if she were trully in danger of neglect or distress (which she isn't) then she is with her father and I am sure that this would be taken into consderation. You have support from your DP and your mum and it seems to take a lot for SS to take a child away from its parents or carers. Hopefully the HV will deliver today.

You sound very self-aware LEM and still full of consideration for others. That can only be a good thing. I imagine if you were at absolute rock bottom and really suicidal the real feelings of other people wouldn't be a consideration. You would believe that they were better off without you rather than thinking about the pain and distress you would be causing them. If you believe that they need you (and they definitely do) then that gives you a purpose even if you feel you have lost your way in some respects.

Sorry, amateur psychologist! I'll shut up. I really ought to be doing some real psychology studying or I will miss my next assessment deadline.

Get rid of your father's drugs though, if they bother you - one less thing to tidy up if nothing else.