I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

[lucyellensmum]

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

[mrsruffallo]

LEM, we all have times like this, believe me. Beating yourself up doesn't help anyone or anything- so stop it now.
Begin by being thankful for small mercies- if the worst comes to the worst you do have the house to sell, you are fed clothed and healthy and all love each other for starters.
You need to make a plan re the money. My sister stuck her head in the sand and is now in debt she may never pay off. I think if you don't want to to sell the house, would DH stay at home and look after your daughter?
If you can out earn him and his business has failed it seems a good solution.

[Niecie]

Do tell your DP - you need to talk. Much as we all want to help you we aren't with you in the flesh. He needs to know so he can help. He sounds like he would be supportive. If you feel bad burdening him, make sure that he tells you exactly how he is too.

Imagine if something happened to you and he thought that you hadn't trusted him enough to tell him how your felt.

He is not a child. He doesn't need protecting like your daughter does. He sounds like a good man who loves you very much - share how you are feeling and you will both come out of this stronger for having been through it together.

Apart from that, somebody with you needs to know you have just about reached rock bottom or I for one will worry about you even more!

[lucyellensmum]

I tried to talk to DP, but he made it perfectly clear he didn't want to talk about those things. He is happy to make plans re the finances etc, but what i want is to have someone cuddle me, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. All i get when i try and say, look babe, i feel really bad, is anger and comments like "i need to take prozac to fucking cope with you!". I dont blame him, he is under so much pressure he is almost at breaking point.

Of course i have made it worse, DDs nappy leaked last night and i forgot to wash her grobag. She is having to sleep with blankets and is playing up - DP having to be up there with her but she is really playing up. I just went up to try and help settle her, but he just told me, through gritted teeth to get out and stop disturbing them. I went out with my mum today and totally forgot about the bags, i had a load of washing in the machine and no where to dry them first thing, so i put it off.

So much for my to do list

Now i can hear DD playing up, and i know DP must be getting more and more stressed. Totally my fault , and the timing couldnt be worse, i might go out with the dog

[TheMadHouse]

You need to get hold of the depression, forgetfulness is part of the illness, as it lack of motivation etc.

Try having a small routine of things that need doing just something simple.

I also have a pad on the side in the kitchen where I write everything down that needs doing that I wouldnt normally do.

we are all here for you

[lucyellensmum]

just want to give DP a cuddle, but he is up with DD, i wish she would go to sleep, i can almost feel the tension seeping down the stairs

[margoandjerry]

lucyellensmum, your posts always seem really thoughtful and wise to me.

You are just depressed - horrible state to be in but that's not who you are. It's just how you feel.

I am no expert but you can get through this. You need someone to help you break things down into baby steps like calling the Inland Rev tomorrow and get them to send you the benefit form. Then the next day filling in the form. Then the next day calling the CAB.

People on here can help you. Maybe suggest one practical thing to do each day and coach you through doing it when sometimes even picking up the phone is just too much.

And what MMJ says about M&T groups is spot on. In truth half of them are worried sick about their husband's affair or their child's slow development or their own alcohol problems or whatever.

And stop beating yourself up. You are a great mother and partner but in a tough spot right now. But with all the time and effort you've put in to getting yourself an amazing education, you will be able to put that to use in time.

In 6 months, you'll have some nursery time for your DD that will free you up. The key to depression is to hold on to the thought that this too will pass. Day by day you'll get through this.

[TheMadHouse]

when he comes down give him a cuddle and tell him you are so glad you have him. It wears them down too

[lucyellensmum]

I just went and made dp let me take over, i tricked DD by asking dp if he could do the "thing" i asked him to do and i would sit with her to settle her. She fell for it! Five minutes of rockabyebaby later and shes soundo! It seems i have the magic touch

Thats one thing i can feel good about today.

That and my DD playing her daddy's saxophone! She actually got a good note and played the keys too - the kids gonna be a star

[clouisewood]

I had to reply after reading this message just to tell you that I am thinking about you at this difficult time. My next door neighbour is an expert on depression and after many debates/drunken convos I have come to the conclusion that at some point in their lives, everyone will feel the way you do now. You are not alone. Good luck!! XxX

[clouisewood]

Also meant to say that i'm sure things will get better; you just have to deal with one thing at a time.

[lucyellensmum]

thankyou everyone, i am going to try and get an early night. Not sure if will get much sleep as dd not in her bag, so expecting a disturbed night.

One of our problems at the moment is that DP and i are going to bed much to late - often 1am or 1.30 its too much, then we feel like shit the next day. Then about an hour after putting DD to bed, we are wide awake but stressed.

I am sorry to be so negative today and whingy. Just had a really really bad day is all, might be because i didnt get to take my meds til later on. Whos to say, there is a lot of stressful shit happening.

But i do have lovely children and a lovely dp, who i am thankful for. Dog didnt get his walk tonight - hes looking dolefully at me, its too late now !!

[ohforaname]

Well done Lucyellensmum for finding your positive streak. And sorry to come into your thread so late but I've only just seen it. I've read many of your posts and think you must be a lovely person.
I've had to name change recently for good but private reason and I hope you're not wary of me because of this.

I totally empathise with your situation and how you have been feeling, I can easily find myself in the place you are in some times - I could have written a lot of your woes myself.

There's just one thing coming to my mind. I've read in several places that you have a PHD but don't feel you're in a position to do anything with it, yet you feel only able to get a low-level/low-paid job. I can really relate to this situation and how it's affected my self-esteem. I'm no way near a PHD, probably capable but feel so far away from ever being able to achieve my full potential.

Just want to say that I know how impossible it can seem to get anything done around the house (if it were as simple as just getting on with it you'd do it right?)

I wonder if you need to find a way to satisfy your obvious talent and intellect - and whether this might make going through the motions of sorting all the other mundane stuff out seem less of an issue to achieve (it becomes less important ifswim). Is there anything you could take on for a couple of hours a week (even volunteering, sometimes they'll pay childcare) to get your foot in the door of something more satisfying/better paid/rewarding?

When I've been able to do things like this in the past all of a sudden - the housework and everything else seem achievable (I just find myself able to do them), without the anxiety because something more important is going on - my brain is being exercised in the way that it needs and my passion to deliver at my level is being satisfied.
Not sure if this helps, or even makes sense (it's getting late, I should be in bed too) but I wish you all the very best in moving things forward.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks ohforaname.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible, it forced me into making DP listen. He was very sympathetic and gave me a big cuddle and said he would make everything alright. Poor guy. I know what has tipped me over the edge, is the debt collectors. I am going to try and ring them this morning to see if they will reduce the payments as £150 will cripple us.

Do feel a bit better for talking to DP, only thing is, i said to him, you wont mind if i ring you and you hyave to drop everything? He is only working in the next road. I have just tried to ring him for something work related (i actually managed to do something for him this morning!!) and he has switched his phone off . Maybe he's had enough and decided to leave - i wouldnt blame him.

[TheMadHouse]

LEM - Prob talking to the client or something. Leave him a message and he will get back to you.

One think at a time, ring the DC's and make an appointment with CAB

I have to go out to toddlers and then back for CBT so catch you later

[mustsleep]

ok we are kind of in a similar situation, but not as bad

have you thought about doing an iva or somthing like that they talk to your creditors and reduce your payments over 5 years and after five years your debt free , but have a bad credit rating - it may be easier to start over if things are so bad

i was a sahm for a year before i had dd and i have gone back to work 2 years ago and am much happier now ( not full time or even part time, just an evening job 2 hours every night cleaning), i know that you donlt want to but maybe if you did some thing a bit mindless you would feel a bit better, it would get you out of the house without spending money and you would have a little coming in i know they are not great jobs but i prefer it to working in a call centre any day much less stress and no childcare

wherabouts do you live?

[mustsleep]

ok we are kind of in a similar situation, but not as bad

have you thought about doing an iva or somthing like that they talk to your creditors and reduce your payments over 5 years and after five years your debt free , but have a bad credit rating - it may be easier to start over if things are so bad

i was a sahm for a year before i had dd and i have gone back to work 2 years ago and am much happier now ( not full time or even part time, just an evening job 2 hours every night cleaning), i know that you donlt want to but maybe if you did some thing a bit mindless you would feel a bit better, it would get you out of the house without spending money and you would have a little coming in i know they are not great jobs but i prefer it to working in a call centre any day much less stress and no childcare

wherabouts do you live?

[mrspnut]

Don't pay the debt collectors - ring CCCS instead.

If you talk to them then they will deal with all your creditors on your behalf and will make realistic repayment plans.

I know how you feel - I've been there many times myself - but there are small things you can do that will make a big difference. Reducing your outgoings and increasing your income will give you a small amount of breathing space and may ease the pressure on your DH slightly.

[lucyellensmum]

OK - i phoned the debt collectors and spoke to someone different. They have agreed to reduce the payments to £50 a month which, whilst still a strain, is managable. They will only do this for three months and then review it. She said that if things were still shit, they will probably keep it at £50 for a while longer. I explained that i cant work just now but that i will be going back to work possibly next year.

It feels like a huge weight has lifted off of my shoulder. I am still really angry with myself as this OD was from my student days and if i had just put £10 a week into the account they would have been ok. But, whats done is done, i cant undo it.

It is terrible how the pressure of debt makes you feel. DP rang me, he said he thought he had switched the phone on, but had not come on. I do that alot. He has owed tens of thousands of pounds ao i can only imagine how terrible he must have felt.

we still owe about 8K to visas (where we have had to use visas to live) but we have cut them all up now. The devils plaything.

We have been worse off than this, it has to get better - it is just the lack of money coming in that is so shite. DP now changed his mind about getting a job, which worries me, but it is his decision. I can only focus on what have to do.

How ridiculous that i feel a massive sense of achievement for one phone call - its something that should be water off a ducks back.

Thankyou so much for all of your patience, you dont know how much just being able to post on here and get support has helped me. I think if i didnt post last night i may have done something stupid. So once again thankyou

[Wisteria]

LEM - it is a huge step, well done and a good result. I think it is worth remembering that communication with your lenders is the most important thing. As long as you keep talking to them and paying an agreed amount (however small) each month. You can also ask them to freeze the interest on any loans as otherwise you will be forced to go bankrupt (similar to an IVA but without reducing the overall debt) and they don't want you to do that

I have found that they would much rather try to help you in the long term as the alternative is for you to go bankrupt or do an IVA where they will then either get nothing back from you or only a percentage.

[mustsleep]

wisteria we are in a similar situation and i can see us having to go down the iva route one day if we are not more careful do you know if this effects your mortgage or not?

[Wisteria]

It doesn't affect anything already in place - your home will not be repossessed etc, the IVA company basically looks at your financial commitments and agrees a figure with your creditors that you can afford to pay back within 5 years (taking into account what you are already paying off on your mortgage), if they feel you can afford to pay it all back they will leave the o/s debt figure but freeze the interest or they may reduce the overall debt down. I helped a friend sort this out about 6 years ago and found that they were fair but firm about a realistic payment plan.

You may well find it hard (if not impossible) to lay your hands on new credit whilst the IVA term is being carried out but to be honest that's a good thing.

Does that help?

[margoandjerry]

That's a good step LEM. Now you are on a roll can you call HMRC and get the child benefit forms? Found a number : 0845 302 1444

I think you said you weren't getting any CB but perhaps there are other benefits you should be getting. You can call the tax credits helpline on: 0845 300 3900

Hope that helps.

[mustsleep]

thanks it does, dh wouldn;t even consider if the house was at risk, but will do it as a last resort

[Wisteria]

Have you looked at the sites available? - there's a good debt management programme tied into Martyn Lewis' site which helps with budgeting and economising etc - sure you've been down this route already but it might be worth a look if not.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

[fondant4000]

Haven't read all the posts lucyellensmum, just wanted to say that you are definitely not the only one. My dh feels like this at the moment (he is SAHD), and we certainly do not feel kindly towards each other a lot of the time!

I think it's a pretty normal state of affairs with pre-schoolers. House a mess, loads of debt, not enough sleep, too much work etc. etc.

Just remember that this is probably the peak of your troubles (ignoring the fact your dd will be a teenager one day!). This is probably the moment when you have the lowest income, the least sleep, the most work. It will pass and there will be some good moments (especially when the summer comes again). You're lucky to know that deep down you and dh love each other (I feel the same about my dh). When this time has passed you will have a chance to have a laugh and hug again I'm sure