I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Thanks for your post Sally I am absolutely in agreement that it is impossible to self-diagnose. In terms of the purpose of a diagnosis for me I think it would really very much be a stepping point to better understanding myself and working with the brain that I have. I would consider medication, depending on advice, but really it's more for me about understanding why my brain works this way.

Apologies by the way to those I haven't name-checked specifically, I have read and appreciated each and every comment.

Didn't manage to find my school reports yet, though I still think they are somewhere in this house.....I did however find this gem from year 1 Not sure what it reveals about me as a child though other than indicating possible drug use!

@Darkdarkdeeds

How much are we talking ball park for private diagnosis? I am worried about a long wait on the NHS but equally I had sort of hoped to quietly go through the diagnostic process and be able to say 'I have been diagnosed' (or not, and then I'd never have to mention it). Paying for treatment would mean having to say it out loud and explain to DH what the money is for.

Stupid question perhaps, but those of you who have been diagnosed privately, have you come up against those who are less 'believing' of a private diagnosis somehow?

DH knows that I am feeling low and useless but I haven't found the words to discuss what I am thinking about ADHD yet. A few months ago I was semi convinced I had PMDD owing to very severe PMS not that I have got around to investigating it of course and I am worried that I am armchair diagnosing myself with a series of excuses and really there is nothing wrong with me other than being lazy and not able to control my emotions well.

We spent just under £500, that included travel to London to the clinic, the first appointment face to face, 2 follow up skype appointments and dhs first 2 private prescriptions. The Dr was so helpful and was happy to answer my endless questions via email or text throughout the process! The first day dh took his medication he cried. He said 'oh my god, is this what it's like inside your head?' He just couldn't believe how different he felt and the realisation that his brain worked so differently to mine was an earth shattering moment for him. I'm happy to pm you if you want anymore details? I did a ton of research when looking for help privately and I'd be happy to pass that on to anyone.

Thank you so much littlefluffyclouds I would really appreciate any information you could share if it's not too much trouble. I am not sure if we can afford to go private at the moment but it would be a real help to have the information to hand.

In which way did he feel different, Fluffy?

And, he felt different instantly?

Dyspraxia I would guess at.

@Darkdarkdeeds

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Everything you've described is exactly how I feel and function. I am also 41. Last October after lots or research and self doubting I called the GP and asked for a referral for an adult ADHD assessment. An hour later the GP called back saying they are not making any referrals to the mental health team because of the Covid situation.

Ever since I've been a bit lost.
I am struggling more than ever but don't know where what to do to get an assessment.

I sit here and think of all the times I've been called lazy or scatty etc But I don't feel lazy I just feel overwhelmed as if my brain won't let me do things I want/should be doing.

I've often said I wish there was a magic wand that could make me feel normal.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 would you please also send me the info. I really don't know where to go privately to get an assessment.
As I mentioned I've tried the GP but got told they aren't making any referrals.

itwillallbeokay

I don’t know which area you are in but both dd and myself had a telephone appointment with our gp who referred us and told us it would take years in January.

About 2 weeks later we had a letter to say that we were having a telephone assessment. A few weeks later. We had our assessments in February. We were then sent forms to fill in. Dd got her form done and sent off and has an appointment that she has to go into the clinic in early April. I am a few weeks behind as I kept losing the forms so my forms have only just gone in.
I don’t know if there are other assessments but instead of years it has taken around 4 months.

Thanks for posting itwillallbeok I am sorry you had that experience. It is so hard to screw up your courage to take action only to meet with a brick wall. I hope you are able to keep going with trying to find help.

I didn't want to read and run but you sound exactly like my DH who has been diagnosed (privately) with ADHD.

He's high functioning but disorganised, forgetful, struggled in his job and eventually took redundancy.

I'll post more when I have time but, don't dismiss ADHD just yet.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

In which way did he feel different, Fluffy?

And, he felt different instantly?

He took his first tablet first thing in the morning and then went back to sleep for a while. When he woke up, he literally sat up and looked stunned, that's when he burst into tears. He described it as his brain feeling 'ordered' for the first time ever, he could think clearly and everything in his day seemed achievable, as opposed to a constant struggle. I hope that makes sense!

[quote itwillallbeokay]@Littlefluffyclouds13 would you please also send me the info. I really don't know where to go privately to get an assessment.
As I mentioned I've tried the GP but got told they aren't making any referrals.[/quote]
I'll pm you!

This has Dyspraxia written all over it.

(Psychologist)

Your post really resonated with me. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult. I'm good at reading people but I've been almost obsessively observing and analysing people my whole life so don't automatically dismiss it. Stereotypes are just stereotypes.

@Littlefluffyclouds13
Thankyou.
Do I need to be subscribed to receive private messages?

I am a MH nurse and have recently been training in ADHD assessments, everything you describe sounds to me like ADHD. You don't have to tick every box but it sounds as though it impacts you enough which resuin impairment in more than one aspect of your life.
The NHS is currently backlogged with ADHD referrals hence the training for nurses to try and clear the waitlist.
Can you afford to go privately? I really recommend it if you can.

[quote itwillallbeokay]@Littlefluffyclouds13
Thankyou.
Do I need to be subscribed to receive private messages?[/quote]
I don't think so? I view my via my emails, you'll get an email saying I've messaged you and then you can click on it to read it.

Oh my @SingToTheSky I read what you said about PMDD and ADD and it was like a bell resonating inside my chest.
OP I’m very similar to you. Have diagnosis of depression and anxiety which is very hormone linked.
Even the inability to post things on time. I’m very academic which masked how much I struggle with organisation for a long time. I’m a terrible procrastinator. I get serious overwhelm.
I guess it just never felt serious enough to do anything about but I’d love to not feel like this.

You need to seek a diagnosis as if a parent isn't diagnosed then a child doesn't fair as well. So if you think your child may have it , it's better for them if you get a diagnosis

posters saying dyspraxia haven't read the part about your good motor skills.

If you don't want to try meds yet OP then you don't need a psychiatrist, you could look for a good educational psychologist or just work with an ADHD coach because their strategies would help anyway. Ideally one with a therapeutic background too because your self-esteem about your difficulties sounds on the floor.

Hi Dark I'm afraid I'm no help but you sound very similar to me, I'm not diagnosed with anything but I've often suspected something isn't right and often feel useless. I can't cope with simple tasks and often feel very overwhelmed, although you would never know as I try very hard to hide it.

@Bythemillpond

MiddletownDreams

I too am in my 50s and in the middle of being assessed
My whole life has been a disaster area.

I used to think it was the chaotic and abusive house I grew up in but even though I got away and tried to do the normal things people do like get a job, clean up, cook food each evening the more depressed I became and the more exhausted I became at trying to hold it all together. In the end I think I had a nervous breakdown. I know I got so ill that I couldn’t get out of bed.

I'm another in her 50s. I've been on anti depressants for almost all of my adult life. My anxiety has got much worse over the years. I'm mentally ticking off everything in this thread. I've never been able to concentrate on anything and get so overwhelmed by everything.

Pet8, I've got endogenous depression, so I've had it all my life. I had a MH breakdown 20 years ago and was diagnosed then with it, as well as with social anxiety. I've not been able to work since. Although I was thrown off Incapacity benefit 6 years ago and had no further help to get back into work. I get completely overwhelmed and have panic attacks when I even think about looking for work.

Does anyone with ADHD/ADD really struggle to handle stress? I go to pieces with the lowest stress, even if it's about something good, like looking forward to something.