I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Also, I'm sure you are DEEP in ADHD hyperfocus right now so may have come across them anyway but I've been finding posts from these accounts on insta really helpful lately.

• humanity_hive
• xadultingwithadhdx
• iamoliviasilvana

Can't help re Australia, but just wanted to pop on and say I pursued a diagnosis last year at age 35 and so glad I did. I'm on Elvanse and although it wears off for me by 3pm... it has been life changing. It hasn't taken away my impulsivity but it has enabled me to focus, remember things and not get totally overwhelmed with running a household/raising children etc.
I used to be struggling to stay out of bed by 4pm every day with overwhelm. All my life I'd been accused of being lazy, useless and believed it myself. There are so many symptoms of ADHD people just aren't aware of and it gets missed in females especially.

@Darkdarkdeeds and @ToastedBeige Thanks so much for your replies. I'm really glad to hear (for you both and also selfishly for myself) that the meds are working and making a positive impact on your lives.
I agree with what you say Dark, about getting the diagnosis within the country we're hoping to be treated, it does make more sense. I'll give those insta accts a look- you're right I'm really hyperfocusing on this and I've actually found lots of useful accounts on tiktok believe it or not. Just ordinary people who have been diagnosed as adults and are sharing their experiences/symptoms/diagnosis and treatment journeys. It's all so very relatable. All those symptoms that, as you say Toasted, I and many others have been unaware of being part of ADHD, even many healthcare professionals. It's really made me wake up and realise that the problems I've struggled with my whole life may actually be treatable with something more useful than antidepressants which I've always been offered as standard. I'm holding onto that hope now and just going to see if we can start our new life on the right foot.

Right back when this thread was started it was the trigger for me to seek a diagnosis. Right up to the last minute I thought he'd tell me I was being daft but I scored 9/9 for inattentive and 8/9 for hyperactive symptoms. It has been such a revelation finding out how my brain works. I've realised that one of my big things is I have no sense of time- there just Now and Not Now. 5 minutes and 5 weeks feel exactly the same to me.

So thank you @Darkdarkdeeds for starting this thread!

Amazing BobBobBobbing I am so glad it helped you. For me it has been life-changing having a diagnosis and a huge part of that is understanding myself so much better. There are definite ups and downs, it hasn't been a good couple of weeks for me, but on the whole I am able to be much kinder to myself.

Just wanted to say so many things resonated in your OP. I started reading it a couple of weeks ago and it scared me how many similarities there were. Typically I left it alone and couldn't read the thread all the way through. But it's been playing on my mind so I started reading it again today. Lost patience (as I was online supposed to be doing something else!) So I just did the 'Show All Posts' to see if you had posted recently and ever got a diagnosis.

So glad I did that because I could see you did indeed get your diagnosis and also had started medication.

I'm so scared about being told I'm making it all up and deliberately misremembering things to 'fit' the diagnosis. I know that's not true (I think) but I'm so keen to get an answer to why I have been so crap all my life if this isn't the answer then...I might give up. And I don't want the last year's of my life just being a case of being alive but not living.

I hit a bit of a wall last year and had to ask the doctor for some anti-anxiety meds but also knew there was something deeper going on.i got handed a leaflet to self refer to the local mental health team which I just stuck in a drawer for a few months. Plucked up the courage to make a first call before Xmas and had my 1st CBT session via zoom two weeks ago. But it didn't go to plan as the therapist said he wanted me to do another on-line assessment there and then after which he said he suspected I might have ADHD. I was actually stunned.

I had another session this week and he's referring me to the psychiatric services (scary!) and writing to my GP. So I'm on my way to finding out.

I'll read this whole thread this evening as it's got such helpful posts and seems to be a mine of information. Just wanted to say thanks for starting it and thanks to all the people who have shared their experiences.

Peri menopause

Iwish I'm sorry I missed your message when you posted. I imagine you won't come back to this thread but if you do, how are things now? Well done for having the courage to make that call and set up CBT sessions. I hope you find some answers. Some of the thoughts you describe are extremely common during the journey towards assessment. Don't let them put you off seeking help.

Hi Darkdeeds I'm still here 🙂 Awake and scrolling on my phone from 7.30 even though I didn't come to bed till past 3 am.

Have done 1 part of the referral form and the other will be done in my zoom session in 2 weeks time. Was a bit downhearted after the first part because a lot of it was about my childhood and there were aspects I thought I didn't 'tick' but the counsellor reassured me that you don't have to tick all the boxes.

I just hope I get the referral accepted. Get across that hurdle first. It's going to be a slow process and I've got to get on with life in the meantime. I had another job interview last week that went well. I tend to perform well in interviews - I hate competency based questions but at least you can have a few preprepared stock answers ( usually a mash up of different scenarios with some creative licence!)

On paper I sound quite good although my biggest stumbling blocks are the recurring periods of unemployment between jobs that are directly down to my not settling, getting bored, resistance to 'finishing' up projects and 'burn out'.

Anyway onwards and upwards. Thanks so much for asking 🙂

Glad you saw my reply Iwish and that you're moving ahead with getting assessed. I totally understand that feeling of worrying about not ticking every single aspect of the criteria, I definitely don't and was still diagnosed. Good luck with the next stage of the referral process.

Well done on the job interview. Fingers crossed for you.

I should definitely still be asleep. Got to bed at 2 and our girls woke me up at 6.30 and now can't get back to sleep! I am too old for this!