I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Middletown I haven't been diagnosed but from the research I have done so far emotional dysregulation is a common symptom of ADHD, although this particular symptom overlaps with a lot of other conditions.

It sounds like you have been through a great deal. I am sorry you have had to experience all of that. I hope you find something that helps you.

You sound very similar to me! I was assessed age 40 and diagnosed. I had to fight to be medicated as they don't routinely prescribe it to adults. The medication has changed my life so much for the better.

Oh my yes, middle :(
DS particularly can’t handle excitement about something good.

Stress is so tough on ADHD. I feel so sensitive to adrenaline, it takes me ages to “come down” compared to many people even after a minor stress. Mostly avoid caffeine for the same reason 😖

There’s also the mood stability problems with ADHD, this impacts stress handling too because you swing more quickly to an extreme state.

I’m so sorry about the benefits and work situation. My fear about trying to find work again, and of trying to return to degree study (I stopped both when I was unwell a few years ago), was utterly overwhelming until quite recently. I remember doing some work on values with my therapist early on, and telling her I just couldn’t even look at the work/education bit. She has helped me a lot with the anxiety but never pushed it. It’s only been more recently that I’ve been able to contemplate it. And of course I’m still worried about how a job would affect my MH once I got there!

Medication has helped hugely with this though, because my executive function has improved. Even applying for a single job takes a huge amount of EF - it’s totally understandable that you are overwhelmed because the ADHD brain struggles to break “find a job” down into smaller tasks, how to prioritise etc.💐

There are charities around who help people with disabilities find work, if that’s something you want to try one day (happy to help you find a local one) but it’s ok if that’s too overwhelming too 💐

OMG I’m so glad I clicked on this thread, thank you @Darkdarkdeeds for posting. I could have written it exactly. So many things in this thread that resonate with me. I’d never really considered ADHD, I just thought I was crap at “adulting” too! Not sure if I can be helped now as I’m 50, but it would be good to know that there is a reason for why I’m like I am.

I clicked on the thread as my daughter has just come back from uni, she is struggling and thinks she might have ADHD. So I have been trying to find out more about it. I will definitely look at trying to get her to the GP or diagnosed privately depending on the cost.

Good luck with getting through to your GP and getting a referral.

I think also with the EF difficulties we get the vast amounts of guilt which is why undiagnosed it can utterly crush self esteem. It’s not like we don’t know rules like “if a task seems too big, break it down into small steps”, “prioritise the most urgent”, “set a daily schedule for different rooms to tidy” etc. Pick up any self help/organisation book and it’ll tell us those things. But with ADHD you can’t just read that and put it into action, because it requires EF.

So then you feel bad that you know all these solutions and STILL can’t organise yourself. Like the OP has said, you just end up blaming yourself for not trying hard enough. You feel like a failure.

TBH I am actually looking forward to having a job because someone else will tell me what to do - some of the EF work is done for me*. Looking back, I now see a big reason that I loved my library job was because it was heavily timetabled. We’d have an hour on shelving, then an hour at the book checkout etc. Easier than looking around wondering what needs doing and when!

*That’s not to say everyone with ADHD feels like that - many struggle with feeling constrained by rules and being managed by someone else would be a nightmare!

Home life on the other hand is chaos. Nobody tells you how to run a home and if you’ve grown up with ADHD parents (my dad is definitely autistic but I’m pretty sure both parents have ADHD too) you don’t even have any ingrained habits from childhood to fall back on. Becoming a parent is often a trigger for ADHD becoming worse, as the responsibility piles up and there’s no manual. And even if you do read books about organisation, systems like FlyLady etc - the lack of EF makes following them next to impossible. And again you feel the epic guilt and shame.

I know it’s easy for me to say at 34 but it makes me sad to see so many feeling it’s pointless when they’re 50+. It really isn’t! It’s not too late to reap the benefits of improved focus etc whether it’s at home or work, surely?

It’s also worth bearing in mind that menopause can increase ADHD (peri too) symptoms so if anything it may be even more worthwhile 💐

Does anyone struggle with food.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I go through life eating one particular meal everyday. Then I change to eating something else and only eat that meal for several months.
Eg I had a period of time where I would make a large vegetable curry and eat that each day for months on end. Then it went to cheese and salad sandwiches then hummus salad sandwiches then omelettes then vegan 1/4 pounders.

I have tried to follow diets but anything that says breakfast:snack:lunch:snack is out of the window as I haven’t felt like the breakfast snacks or lunch and it gets to 6.30pm and I am starving. Also trying to eat 5 different foods at 5 times per day is all I CS concentrate on. I either diet or I do everything else. I can’t seem to do 2 things at once.

Autistic people call that Samefood
(First thing you mention).

Totally relate to either totally focusing on diet or forgetting about it, too.

I'm autistic and currently looking into adhd to explain some of the things I struggle with while studying.

It’s funny how autism and ADHD can interact and fight with each other!

I get really moody if I have to have the same food more than one day in a row 😳

@Darkdarkdeeds

Middletown I haven't been diagnosed but from the research I have done so far emotional dysregulation is a common symptom of ADHD, although this particular symptom overlaps with a lot of other conditions.

It sounds like you have been through a great deal. I am sorry you have had to experience all of that. I hope you find something that helps you.

Thank you. You too

ADD rather than ADHD is how it expresses itself in women. The mind is the hyperactive part, but not relevant for the diagnosis and often get ADD.

I should say "often" expresses and also I mean the hyperactive part in diagnosis profile often focuses on physical hyperactivity rather than mental so when I say not relevant, that's what I mean! rubbish post really.

I get what you mean :) it’s taking a long time for knowledge in society to catch up on how different it can be for women. I feel like autism awareness is improving a bit now but adhd is lagging behind big time! My psychiatrist was so caught up in the stereotypes. Said it was unusual that I felt guilty for my lack of attention and that I was worried about it affecting the kids etc. WTF?!

I’m so grateful for threads like this for that reason - even as someone who is diagnosed it is so validating to be able to share these difficulties with others 💐

I’m just back from posting a letter through my GP surgery’s door, asking for a Right to Choose referral. I used the letter and assessment thing from Psychiatry U.K, with my own opening paragraph. Fingers crossed!

Also, my teenage son has been struggling. He was with the SEN person for something else recently, and she phoned me up about that. I told her he’d been wondering he had ADHD, snd she said she’d noticed some signs, so they’re going to refer him for an assessment. I’m so happy - things are finally moving. I know it’ll take a while, but just to start is good; I’ve been thinking about this (but doing nothing about it) for years!

Brilliant that well done! And great news on DS!

You sound very much like me, except for the messy house, and I strongly suspect combined type ADHD for myself (I also have impulsive speech and episodes of hyperfocus).

I don't tend to be late to important meetings anymore because I massively overcompensate with the level of organisation. Multiple reminders and warning alarms (Alexa is my PA) and handbag/workbag packed night before etc. This still isn't normal, it just hides the struggle and makes me less annoying and disappointing to myself and others.

I think I struggle less than expected with my house because I've always naturally leant towards minimalism.

Is strongly recommend the organised mum method for cleaning, it is a very well structure way of getting your sh*t together.

It's taken me until recently to come to the ADHD conclusion, I've read so much about female autism and it's never quite fitted, when I started reading about ADHD it was like a lightbulb moment.

cyw how do you use Alexa to help you? I’ve been thinking I should gradually build a system of reminders etc but I’m a bit overwhelmed at the thought

I set alarms (you can specify days of the week to repeat) for ...
5 minutes warning alarm for taking DD to preschool
5 minutes warning for picking up DD from preschool (if I go outside gardening I'll set the same alarm on my phone so that I'm not constantly clock watching or late).
Reminders for appointments in the morning, or day before if it was something booked in far in advance, I can then set an alarm at the time I need to leave on Alexa or my phone depending where I am likely to be.
Reminder to feed the dog in the morning (terrible I know!).

Then I use the to do list and shopping list function so that I can shout things at Alexa as they come into my head.

Also like that you can set multiple named timers for cooking, and we have the smart TV linked to Alexa which is just plain lazy but great!!

Alarms and lists mean nothing to me

Thanks cyw that’s really helpful 💐

I know what you mean bythe - it’s one of those things people tell you to do when you’re disorganised. Just set an alarm, they say. It’s easy, they say.

It’s really only since being medicated that I’m capable of using things like alarms and lists more effectively, because I have the improved EF skills to cope with them.

Years ago I used to have medication to take in the evenings. I obviously set an alarm but it wasn’t enough. In the time between the alarm going off, and going to the medicine cupboard, I would usually forget 😳 and then DH at some point would say, you took your meds right? “SHIIIIT not again” 😳

And I’m still far from perfect with it despite the meds. For example I have a regular alarm for DS’ clubs on zoom, half an hour in advance. I can still forget after that 😳

Well. I finally found my reports! The primary school reports were consistently excellent and if anything diligence was mentioned. Not really any mention of my tendency to be a daydreamer which I was surprised by.

There was a real mix for senior school, some excellent and mentioning my organisation, some less so, but maybe just an indication of a regular not very organised student.

More.

Looking back at my reports in all honesty made me feel really quite sad. Where did all this supposed promise end up? I certainly don't recognise the supposedly confident and well-liked little girl they wrote about in my primary school reports

Oh dark I’m sorry 💐

I really relate :( it was a relief to realise about my autism/ADHD, but there is a big element of grief there too. My reports were similar, I was a model student. But in reality it was just that I happened to be intelligent and that masked my concentration problems. For example it didn’t matter that I was daydreaming when the teacher talked in maths because when we had to actually do the work I could sort of snap back to focus and understand the work anyway. So nobody noticed. Hell I even tested as gifted - my parents were advised to accelerate me through school etc.

I’m glad I know now, I’m glad I can start moving forward and medication has changed my life and rewritten my future but god it’s sad that my past has been so deeply affected by my struggles. How different would it have been if I’d known earlier, where would I be now?