I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Have you looked at dyslexia? They have trouble being organized, time keeping and memory issues, it isn’t always reading and writing

Is it anxiety? How was your childhood, happy ? relaxed? or was a parent difficult, shaming?
I realised late in life that I was an anxious person, after repressing for ever, very worried what people thought of me (due to childhood) so kept everything fine but at work I really struggled to learn anything, too worried about how I appeared to others. It's very difficult to learn or change if you are stressing deep down.
If you think it is something due to childhood you could have some counselling. And take up meditating as a longer term aid.

That's interesting Bluebell it would certainly never have occurred to me as I had no idea it involved other things and my reading and writing have always been above average. My mum started to teach me both before I started school- no idea what my comprehension was like but I was copying out sentences by 3 and writing independent ones by 4. Reading age at 7 was around 13.

Sundances I probably should have mentioned actually that I was diagnosed with GAD around 3-4 years ago. That was post the birth of DD2 and was a very very difficult time. I was prescribed sertraline but never ended up taking it - ironically owing to anxiety over possible side effects. It is dramatically improved now though still there lurking. I had very very loving parents, a stable home life although I definitely have issues around perfectionism. My parents have a real thing about having an immaculate home (think catching a spill of water almost before it's hit the floor) and one of my main triggers for anxiety is people coming to visit my home.

I would say dyspraxia

I do recommend the medication once assessed as even if you decide it’s not for you, you can make notes of what you do during these ‘on’ days, which you can then use as part of your regular planning.

For example, when I’ve taken my medication I know I can sit down and focus for up to 2 hours and no more - that’s my limit. I still need 9 hours a night, and if I don’t get it then I will crash and need 12 hours to catch up at the weekend. I still bite my nails, skin pick, have intrusive scattered thoughts. At 4pm I will be shattered and need a quiet activity with the kids. I get a second wind later and I’m fine for cooking, sorting out bedtime & organising for next day. At 9pm I down tools and watch tv/read/browse usually all three at the same time. At 10 I take my other meds for anxiety, depression & sleeping, have decaf tea and put on a sleep meditation.

On medication I lose all appetite so I have a bunch of yoghurts, smoothies & protein shakes for when I can’t be bothered to eat.

I had to change jobs to find what I could cope with, change hours, learn to budget. I give myself time off to rest and never book social weekends consecutively.

Like you I plan constantly, then fall by the wayside two weeks later. So I make planning & replanning part of the strategy as it renews my interest & motivation and I feel slightly more in control.

I’m still not on top of things, but I try to sort one thing everyday that needs to be done (admin or declutter or call a friend etc)

I actually found that even once I stopped medication (I started one type then had to have a break before moving to a different type) I managed to maintain a little of what I’d set up. I definitely slipped backwards and things like focus and impulsivity got worse again, but the things I’d mentioned above like getting things ready the night before remained easier than it had been before. It was like the months on the first meds had given me the ability to build a few habits that actually did stick to some extent when they hadn’t before. It faded a little but I’ve still felt like I was a bit better off than before meds. The new meds, incidentally, last much longer into the evening, and the difference in evening capability with routine etc has been staggering. But I do think that it means medication doesn’t even need to be forever, you aren’t committing yourself to a life of them.

If you can, get a copy of taking charge of adult ADHD by Russell Barkley. I really recommend it from what I’ve read of it so far - it’s American so some of the diagnosis stuff won’t be relevant, but the explanations of all the symptoms is excellent. I’d only had a vague notion of what executive function was as an overall concept, and that autism and ADHD (I’m diagnosed with both) meant my EF sucks. But now I have a much greater understanding of the different elements of it - he breaks it down into the different categories with loads of examples of how these specific deficits can cause problems. It’s really helped me understand my specific presentation, why I struggle with particular things while feeling I can’t relate to other stereotypical ADHD traits. I’ve read other stuff about ADHD but so far this has been the most useful.

TBH even if you read it and still felt you don’t relate enough to it to have ADHD - perhaps that your EF difficulties come from something else - it would still help you get to know what particular things are at the heart of your struggles. It might help you feel better about yourself too - it really doesn’t seem like this is your fault. 💐

Anxiety is very very common in women and girls with ADHD. And ADHD medication is a lot more effective at treating it than other anti-depressants.

It was googling her huge anxiety that made me realise my daughter likely had ADHD and then that's what made me consider I do too.

In a lot of girls/women we don't have the "hyper" movement that people think is 'classic' ADHD. But we think and talk hyper.

Which is why we over think. And over worry.

For me Lisdexamfetamine has really really calmed my brain and lessened my anxiety. And is why I pushed for a diagnosis rather than taking anti-depressants.

I agree you need to be assessed, my dh had many adhd traits but didn't fit with them all eg he has managed to hold a job down successfully with zero issues.
He was diagnosed with adhd last year and is now on medication, it's life changing for him. We went private as the waiting list in our area is about 3 years and it was money well spent!

Indeed MrsWP!

I had tried antidepressants for years and anti anxiety meds too but they did very little. Thankfully I have a lovely doctor who understood why I felt the need to look for other answers. Anxiety can spring from worrying about screwing up all the time, worrying about all the things you’re not getting done or might be forgetting (I spent far more time worrying and angry at myself for procrastinating than ever getting stuff done), self esteem being through the floor (due to feeling like a failure several times a day) is bound to make anyone depressed.

@Darkdarkdeeds I just wanted to say I’m sorry if it seems like I am harassing you about this. I know it seems unfair to go against what you’ve said especially as the title is that you don’t have ADHD.

I’m not saying you 100% do of course, I don’t know you! It may be that the issues you struggle with are caused by something else. There’s a huge amount of overlap between all these conditions.

And either way it’s nobody’s choice but yours if you follow this up with a specialist.

But the reason I keep posting is because I don’t want you to keep feeling like this is some fault within you, that you just aren’t trying hard enough. Whatever is actually causing it, it’s not YOU. 💐

OP, get this book: Sink Reflections. I'm sure the woman who wrote it has ADD. It was the only thing that helped me earn how to adult.

She deals with everything: overcoming perfectionism, procrastination, overwhelm... It changed my life. (Am currently waiting for ADHD assessment.)

I have ADHD, what you're describing sounds really familiar. You do realise ADHD can range from mild to severe? For example I have severe ADHD in that I actually can't drive safely either, many people with diagnosed ADHD drive safely just fine... Doesn't mean they don't have ADHD. I would get an proper private assessment (NHS ones take years, private took me two weeks).

What you're describing especially that feeling of being a useless human being... I know exactly what you mean and you need to address this so that you can start to be kind to yourself and also get treatment if you wish. I thought I was a terrible human until I learnt about all the fine details of ADHD (what is actually going on in the brain)... I realised that expecting myself to do things in the same way others are is like expecting myself to run while being wheelchair bound and I explain to people that some things are harder for me although I try my best and if they give me a hard time I straight up kick them to the curb, I've spent enough years feeling like crap about not being neurotypical.

BTW, I'm on Xaggitin XL now and those pile of stuff everywhere, like you describe are 70% gone (still a couple piles in my bedroom). When I get used to the meds and wonder if they're working anymore I just take a look at my home and remember what it was like before and realise, YES, it is working lol. Hope this helps. x

No apologies necessary Sing on the contrary your posts have been really helpful and insightful. I think my post title was more on the lines of 'I don't have ADHD.....do I?'

I appreciate every single post. I am working my way up to contacting the GP, but for now it is helping reading all the comments and considering different things.

I have also watched some of the How To ADHD videos and have found some of them resonate a lot.

OP I have a lot of similar things to you and I struggle with the idea of pursuing a diagnosis or not.

@MrsWP would you be happy PMing the name of your psychiatrist? No problem if not.

Most dyslexics are picked up at university some of the things you say are coping mechanisms that then mask the issues.

I have to note everything in the calendar because I can’t remember something someone said 10 minutes before hand - it’s getting worse - even shopping list evade me!

I hope the points on here have been helpful OP, and for others reading who are beating themselves up for being ‘shit at adulting’ which was me til I got assessed.

No one is just naturally terrible at all this adult stuff - there are reasons & causes, from addictions, to poor executive function from exhaustion, depression, anxiety, trauma, stress, ill health, disability. Even from learned behaviour growing up sometimes. If life was a little simpler with fewer sensory overloads, expectations & demands we would possibly thrive more easily. So the best we can do is simplify our lives as much as possible, prioritise, organise and not get frustrated/angry about it.

How much are we talking ball park for private diagnosis? I am worried about a long wait on the NHS but equally I had sort of hoped to quietly go through the diagnostic process and be able to say 'I have been diagnosed' (or not, and then I'd never have to mention it). Paying for treatment would mean having to say it out loud and explain to DH what the money is for.

Stupid question perhaps, but those of you who have been diagnosed privately, have you come up against those who are less 'believing' of a private diagnosis somehow?

DH knows that I am feeling low and useless but I haven't found the words to discuss what I am thinking about ADHD yet. A few months ago I was semi convinced I had PMDD owing to very severe PMS not that I have got around to investigating it of course and I am worried that I am armchair diagnosing myself with a series of excuses and really there is nothing wrong with me other than being lazy and not able to control my emotions well.

Ah that’s great OP. I just didn’t want you to feel I was getting at you/criticising your title etc. So it’s good to know you didn’t :)

I hope the GP listens - keep posting here (there is also a long running thread for autism/adhd on the mumsnetters with SN board, you and anyone else here would be more than welcome, diagnosis not necessary!) and we could help you prepare some notes to take with you, if you like (I always forget what I’m going to say to the GP otherwise).

I have severe ADHD in that I actually can't drive safely either me too. There is absolutely no way I could stay aware of everything a driver needs to - I would only be able to focus on one aspect, like the road directly in front of me. If I looked in the rear or wing mirror then the road in front would cease to exist for me. I honestly don’t know how people keep track of all these things enough to not get in accidents!

I actually have a physical health issue that might mean driving isn’t safe anyway due to risk of fainting. I only have it mildly but I tend to use that as an excuse when telling people I don’t drive, because there is so much stigma around adhd still :(

Ps I also have dyscalculia (dyslexia but for numbers) and protracted periods of depression characteristic of bipolar type 2 (no mania). All these ND traits can go hand in hand and it makes it bloody difficult to tick the right boxes! But it does mean you can make informed plans based on what you research, if that makes sense at all.

I’m not sure of the stats but anecdotally at least PMDD is more common in ADHD women. Hormone changes massively amplify symptoms for many of us - pregnancy can kick things off, a lot of girls become more ADHDish in puberty. I found breastfeeding really affected me too.

I don’t know about it personally but a lot of people go through the NHS right to choose via Psychiatry U.K. - gets very good reviews 💐

inthekitchensink and SingToTheSky, absolutely! It's like a shit little package, including the dyscalculia! I struggle with PMDD that makes me methodically suicidal for about 10 days and my psych said that the symptoms of bipolar that my bf was noticing in me was actually the ADHD. Apparently ADHD is sometimes misdiagnosed as bipolar!

How much are we talking ball park for private diagnosis? I am worried about a long wait on the NHS

We were told that diagnosis would take years but dd will be done in 4 months from gps appointment to initial assessment to filling in the questionnaire to final assessment. I am a few weeks behind as I kept losing the questionnaire
I tick all the boxes for ADHD and am really hoping medication might be able to sort me out along with any therapies that can help.
I think we are going back to the 80s since I actually had a f/t job or one that lasted longer than 6 weeks. I think 10 months ha been my record and then I got depression so bad I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks.
The biggest question I think is if you have always been like this.
There is a lot of emphasis about how it impacted your childhood
It explains an awful lot if I do get diagnosed with ADHD. I think my mother and her family (apart from one aunt) all have ADHD. It was a completely chaotic household growing up held together by people doing ad hoc jobs and businesses that lasted 6 weeks before boredom set

I would try the NHS route as you might be surprised at how quickly it gets done.

sounds very much like adhd to me - my dd has just been diagnosed as an adult and could have written your post

I'm also starting the process of assessment I'm never late either but that's because I 'mask' chronically, paranoid about time passing, always trying to get ahead of my symptoms

Get a proper assessment, and answer as though on your worst days, and think honestly how things would be if you were not masking

you can get referred to psychiatry-uk on the nhs under right to choose - just need doctor to refer you and they will deal with everything else (still some waiting involved but far quicker than other nhs routes)

If you get through that process and they honestly conclude you don't have adhd, then you can declare you don't have adhd and get other things looked into

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

just like you can't diagnose yourself online, you can't rule it out either especially with those kind of symptoms. Get the professionals in on it and good luck, either way I hope you get a diagnosis of whatever is happening, and some help.

Oh and also follow the mini adhd coach on instagram, she's very good at spelling out the symptoms in a way my inattentive brain can recognise as applying to my everyday life. If I read a list of symptoms I dismiss it, but if given examples of HOW it manifests exactly, it's like 100 lightbulbs coming on at once. There's a great adhd and autism community on instagram

My dd would never have recognised it fully in herself either without clear examples of how it manifests

I’ve read about the Right to Choose process, but what if your GP doesn’t believe you have it? I’ve had problems with getting referred on by my GP before and as lots of people don’t know much about ADHD in women I don’t have a lot of hope.

It’s really difficult with some GPs :( I’ve been very lucky with both physical and mental health stuff to mostly have understanding doctors who are good listeners and respect my opinions and the fact I’ve looked into things myself etc.

Anyone who has a large surgery with a few different doctors, one suggestion is to ask specifically who has a special interest in mental health etc

Danity yep with the misdiagnosis :( borderline personality is another common one with female autism/adhd. Mood regulation is a big problem for me but it’s related to executive function.