I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

I am currently careening between pursuing a diagnosis vs. not bothering, as what practical difference would it make? Would be nice for some external validation that I'm not just hopeless, I suppose.

I have autism and it sounds like me!

I'm coming back to this later to read everything properly but OHMYGODAREYOUME?!! Life is so fucking difficult because I seem to make it that way, yet I can't find a way to make any of it better.

@Darkdarkdeeds

I haven't really looked into that TeaBea2019. I confess to having only a very rudimentary understanding of autism, probably encompassing some common myths. I would say that I believe myself to have a reasonably high degree of emotional intelligence and able to pick up on subtle social and emotional cues which I believe wouldn't really point to that but happy to be educated if I have misconceptions.

You don't really understand autism either.

ADHD goes hand in hand with autism a lot. If this is causing distress then get assessed.

Soz, didn't realise it was an oldish and long thread good luck.

Have you tried meditation - I recently 'tried harder' with it after years of half heartedness - I have less going on constantly in my brain. Life is pleasanter.

No worries Gamer but yes, as I said in my post that you quoted my understanding of Autism is very limited at best.

I have tried meditation Theo but not for any length of time. I got quite disheartened by my extreme monkey mind and frankly probably forgot to keep trying, but I'm sure it's something I could benefit from.

Those who have recently joined this thread, I hope that you manage to find some answers.

Bit of an update from Dd who went for her face to face assessment today.

As the doctor was so late getting to her she had to cut dds assessment short and dd has to go in again to continue the assessment.

The doctor seemed more concerned that Dd was going to sell the drugs. Dd felt she was trying to catch her out by asking a question then when dd answered no, she would point to a different question and said dd had answered yes. But they weren’t the same question.
There was some incredulity that dd doesn’t have any gps or aunties or uncles or cousins that knew her growing up (we are a very tiny family). Even her father worked away 2-3 weeks every month and never got involved with childcare when he was in the country and that we don’t borrow milk from
our NDN or that we never came back after school and did homework/tea/bath and bed time routine. That there wasn’t any routine or structure growing up.
Dd had to point out that I too was being assessed for adhd in a few weeks time.

No idea how it is going to go as apparently all Dds symptoms of adhd are signs of dyslexia. Her rages, her losing things, her lack of concentration/hyper focus, her picking at her skin etc All signs of dyslexia apparently.

I have to wait another 6 weeks for my test. I have just found the bit of paper with the appointment time on. I thought it was early June not July.
Apparently I am seeing the same person.

If she thinks my upbringing of Dd was unconventional, my up bringing was off the scale.

Especially my mother going into the mental hospital every few months, her suicide attempts and putting me in boarding school instead of care for a few months each year

www.gopsych.co.uk/

To Get appointment for Psychologist Assessment

I'm not sure if anyone will ever come back to this thread, but just in case they do, I wanted to post this update. I had my assessment with a psychiatrist from the local ADHD team yesterday and it turns out.....I do have inattentive ADHD. I feel very glad I pursued diagnosis and so validated having someone recognise my struggles. I am going to be trialling the medication Elvanse. I didn't think I would be up for medication but the psychiatrist explained that it's not a medication which accumulates in your system unlike, for example, SSRIs, so if I have a bad reaction I can stop taking it straight away.

I just read the first few posts you wrote and thought - she totally has ADHD! I held off going for assessment for years too because of stupid bollocks like the caffeine stuff. I'm going to be starting Elvanse too. Hope it helps us both :-)

Thanks Heretic. Hope Elvanse works for you. Day one for me today on 30mg but can't really say I've noticed a big difference yet. Obviously early days and it may not be the right dosage yet.

How are you getting on Darkdeeds? Any side effects? I'm waiting for mine still but quite anxious about it, not least because my GP is being a prick about it and it's going to be a fight to get it.

Dark Dark Deeds, it is so good when someone starts a post and comes back to let everyone know the outcome. Glad you got your diagnosis sorted. After years of being treated for anxiety I began to wonder if I could have ADD. My GP has given me questionnaires to fill out and I am to see a physiatric nurse for initial assessment in a few weeks. My main symptoms are severe procrastination and disorganisation. Today I have been worrying that I am making a fuss about nothing and it is probably anxiety which must be so deeply ingrained in me that I am not even aware I have it.

Just wondering how they can tell the difference between the two?

No side effects to speak of really apart from dry mouth which I know is common. I have struggled to get to sleep but that's not unusual for me so I wouldn't say particularly linked to the meds. I hope you manage to get yours sorted Heretic. Is it because of shared care arrangements that you are having trouble? Mine was just sent straight to me by the local ADHD service which diagnosed me.

AineEdin it is common for people who have ADHD to be diagnosed as having anxiety, this could be a co-morbidity or it could be that ADHD and it's effects in your life are presenting as anxiety. I think the fact that you were concerned enough to look into it further suggests that it's worth investigating and a professional who specialises in mental health will hopefully be able to discern what is causing your symptoms. I hope you find some answers.

This thread has been so helpful. I have a diagnosis of EUPD, anxiety and depression, but often wonder if there was more to it. I struggle with a lot of what you have mentioned... but then I think.. I was under the MH system for years.. if I have ADHD or ASD, surely it would have been picked up by now?
I have done DBT and am on various meds.. I still am unable to work or adult properly.

Thanks for this update. I also am really messy at home and have recently thought about getting assessed. l would be interested to hear how the medication works out for you.

Hi darkdarkdeeds I remember your thread! Think I might have posted last year…I’m so glad you have a diagnosis! I was diagnosed with ASD in my 30s but I’m wondering if I might have ADHD too…I think I will discuss it with my GP.

Good luck with looking into a potential diagnosis ThePontiacBandit I know I am extremely lucky to have had a relatively smooth journey to diagnosis compared to many people but I am so thankful for everyone who encouraged me in seeking answers, including on this thread. I was still a bit in shock when I gave the update on my diagnosis and I didn't really say this but thank you everyone who commented. I have been fortunate to experience the very best of mumsnet here, people willingly sharing their stories and experiences, hoping to help a total stranger. I hope that all of you who find this on your own quest for answers find people to support you along your way.

The other thing I missed out saying the other day, is that, regardless of the medication, my diagnosis has already been truly life-changing. I am sure there will be ups and downs as I process all this but it has helped me be so much more compassionate towards myself. The experience of the psychiatrist listening to, believing and crucially understanding me was something I hadn't known I had needed so much. I cried more than once during the appointment. I think the feeling of someone truly getting it and confirming I am not just imagining things was what really made some of those emotions well up in me.

Haven't read the full thread (I have ADHD, it was long...) but there was nothing in your original posts that made me think. Nope not one of the adhd tribe. I was diagnosed in my 40s. Had no idea I had it even though I struggled my whole life with stuff. You might get brushed off by medical professionals if you try to get assessed though (cos you aren't a naughty little boy who doesn't sit still). But don't let that put you off. The only way to know is to get an assessment, and knowing is like finding the missing piece to the puzzle you have been working on your whole life

I'm sorry I know this is an old thread, but it's a really good one and I'd like to resurrect it if possible.
I'm seriously considering seeking a private diagnosis for myself, my children and even my husband. I feel silly saying that as it makes me sound like I'm obsessed and just seeing it everywhere, but after doing some research online I truly believe now we all have it, and are probably making each other worse, living together as we are with our emotional dysregulation issues and generally compromised adulting skills from us as parents 😪
However I'm imminently due to be emigrating to Australia, possibly in the next couple of months pending our visa grant (dont even ask how we got this far- it has been a very long and difficult process with many many years of procrastination and stress!). Is it worth me trying to get a diagnosis secured here before we leave? Does anyone have any experience of the health system over there there and what their mental health provision is like, and if private assessments are readily available/very costly?

@Darkdarkdeeds if you're still there, how is the medication panning out for you now? I really hope it's working well for you and you've been able to settle on a dose that works for you. One of the reasons I'm looking into this now is that I suffer from what I believe is RSD, and starting a new life and trying to make friends which I really will need as I'm naturally quite extroverted is such a daunting prospect. I wondered if this was something you experienced before taking medication and whether it has improved for you? Thankyou so much if you can see this 💐

Hi @ Cutemob I'm still around. Glad the thread has been useful. It is very common, from what I've read, for neurodivergent people to find each other, and ADHD is known to be strongly hereditary so it's actually not unusual to find a whole neurodivergent family.

Meds are definitely working well for me now. I went up to 50mg Elvanse which seems to be the right dosage for me and have noticed a big improvement in my concentration levels, especially at work. Sadly I do still do things like put cheese in the freezer and icecream in the fridge which both happened this week 🙄I would say meds are not a magic bullet, I still struggle with organisation and prioritisarion but improving my focus has made a big difference. Now I need to do a better job of changing my lifestyle to support the meds in doing their job : more sleep, better exercise and more healthy diet all needed!

As far as getting diagnosed before you go, it might be worth trying to ask someone who knows the system out there. I've read from at least one person coming to the UK from another place that their diagnosis obtained in another country meant nothing here and they had to go through the whole process again before they could be prescribed anything. I think they had come from America from memory.

I hope someone will be along who can give you a bit more useful/concrete advice on that score.

I really hope you find the answers you need for you and your family.