I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

I've an adhd assessment next week , I always suspected I was autistic but never imagined I could have adhd. A consultant I seen noticed it and sent me the screening questionnaire and I scored quite high. Dont do the online quizzes. Do the actual assessment questionnaires. Not every person will have every symptom but you could have just be neurodiverse and not fit into any category.

Get a private psychiatry referral if you can afford it. They will assess, diagnose and suggest, if need be, medication (if you have ADHD, for example). At that stage, you will merge back into the NHS and they can either prescribe the medication or refer you to an NHS psychiatrist who will carry out their own assessment but will take on board your assessment from private consult.
My husband has ADD (diagnosed almost 4 years ago). You describe him to a T. My son has Aspergers Syndrome and Dyspraxia and some of what you are saying resonates too.
You are sounding very down on yourself OP. Never underestimate what knowledge and understanding will do for you. It is so empowering and you owe it to yourself to go get properly assessed.
Best of luck. Hope this helps.

Been trying to dig out my old school reports to see if they could shed any light. They definitely exist......somewhere in this house, I forget where. I definitely enjoyed school, have always been a daydreaming type, interested in books, highly developed internal voice. At senior school I did pretty well, not as well as I could have done. Rarely had the right books on the right day. A-level I was still able to get away with writing essays on the train to college on the day it was due. The wheels really fell off at uni when it was much less structured.

Firstly, congratulate yourself on what you have done:

1. You have what sounds like a wonderful relationship with a man you love
2. You have two children

I too am guessing you have ADHD - my daughter was diagnosed at 15 and sounds JUST like you. Even to not drinking coffee because it makes her too hyper and twitchy - she hates it (and used to love it).

So maybe you havent but maybe you have....So given the distress it is causing you I do suggest you have a private diagnosis - adult ones take forever (my husband has been on a waiting list for over 2 years). And yes, they work with you to get the right meds which the GP then prescribes.

Elvanse has made a big difference to my daughter in terms of focus and clear brain - but lots of other things are still a challenge which I havent worked out how to help her with. Keen to do so before uni if I possibly can as she is deeply academic and talented but like you I can see her ending up with a 2-2 while not being able to avoid being overwhelmed

Following as I also feel like this. I just can't seem to get around to doing things, no matter how much I want to. Spend too much time planning and thinking I really should do things, rather than doing them. Basic things that sound so simple on paper but I just can't seem to manage. I wonder but, like you, am afraid of finding out there's nothing 'wrong' and I am just lazy and crap!

I can't thank everyone enough for your kind words and encouragement. Welcome to the wonderers like me. It feels good to know I am not alone.

Couldn't find my reports (obviously got sidetracked into reading old letters while looking ). One thing I do remember is how when I was young it was a running joke that if I was reading something I was into I would literally not hear if someone called me to dinner or whatever. That seems to fit.

@Darkdarkdeeds

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really do appreciate it. It's kind of exhausting feeling this way so maybe pushing for assessment is worth it. Of course my adhd-like traits are helpfully another barrier to assessment as I will need to gather my emotional resources to tackle the call. Getting through to my GP is a mission so if I don't manage to get through it may take me another week or two to remember to try again and be up to it.

Merry a 2:2 in maths is nothing to sniff at! That's a proper subject!! Mine is only in French, so nowhere near as serious. I have some interesting memories of -lack of-- organisation at university - the holidays often used to take me by complete surprise. I was totally baffled by people who seemed to know what was going on.....

I can’t tell you how much I relate. I am so daunted by admin tasks like contacting your GP and getting an appt, getting a referral, contacting the consultant and getting an appt, etc etc. I don’t understand why I act against my own best interests, which leads to shame and more anxiety. I have had “top priority” things on my to-do list for months. Every day I think tomorrow will be the day.

It is a LOT a better with meds. I’m still not on top of everything but I at least feel like I know what’s going on!

Another one following as you could be describing me. I have a responsible job but I'd fall apart without my team who keep me organised. Even booking my train tickets (in normal times) is beyond me and I'm always doing it at the last minute even when I've had months to do it. I'm always early to stuff though as I'm paranoid about being late. Like a pp I can't do anything before an appointment as I have to concentrate on being on time.

Hi OP, I have adhd and like you I find it easy to relax, am not particularly quick thinking and other things that don’t tick all the boxes. I struggle with jobs although have done well in several but ultimately I’m always exhausted, overwhelmed & never on top of things. Medication helped but you wouldn’t like the jittery stimulant effect I don’t think. A lifestyle overhaul is the best thing
I use the medication to help me function for things like the school run, basic admin & organisation.
Getting the assessment is key, I took in my old school reports (bright, forgetful, loses homework, daydreamer, scatty, disorganised)
Hope that helps

My 23 year old son has finally been able to call the doctors to get a referral for what we feel is adhd. Honestly just him calling and being focused enough to speak to the doctor about what is going on felt like a massive step forward - obviously now we have to wait for the appointment to come through which I'm assuming will be a long while! - he sounds similar to you in some ways and is completely overwhelmed and unable to function in many ways. It's so hard to watch him go through this and I feel helpless at times. But I hope an assessment will help.

I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

This is me to a T.

I am diagnosed ADHD. Meds have helped a lot.

Coping mechanisms and masking are used to overcompensate

I think you just sound incredibly analytical and self aware. It would be boring if we were all the same. You sound like you have lots of character. Don’t be hard on yourself xxx

Sounds like me & I've been diagnosed ADHD, also referred on for Autism assessment. I assumed would be inattentive but actually combined type.

Its hyperactive/impulsivity which can be busy mind, fidgeting, difficulty sitting when
normally expected to. Trouble waiting your turn, blurting things out out/interrupting conversations, impulsive spending, binge eating. I thought I didn't have an issue relaxing but then I realised I am rarely focussed on 1 thing.

They use the ASRS self report scale as screener ( AQ10 is Autism). If England, can opt for right to choose which i did as was faster option (wasn't even an nhs adult adhd service at time) think are a few other private providers that hold NHS contracts too. psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

I’ve read the OPs post but not all the others.

OP, Is there any chance some of this might just be because you haven’t discovered ways to ‘manage’ your life. I’m naturally disorganised and forgetful. I get distracted easily and I can find it hard to concentrate. However I having grown up with loving but chaotic parents I vowed to be more together as an adult.

Non of it is complicated or difficult but it does take a lot of determination. You need to want to change. I spend a lot of time and effort filing things properly, sorting things, setting alarms and reminders, labelling things etc etc. It takes time and effort but, ultimately, It makes me feel calmer and happy.

My parents could never find important documents and were always racing around panicking because they could find our passports or whatever. I found it stressful. I think you owe it to your kids to be more together.

I don't know op but you sound exactly like me . I also do actually do very well in a real crisis/emergency but am absolutely shite with routine every day stuff.

I appreciate your candour Stella. Unlike you my parents were organised to the nth degree so I did at least have an example to follow growing up. Even now when I visit, nothing is left to chance, every aspect of the visit is planned out carefully.

I should clarify that I have invested and continue to invest a considerable amount of effort in systems and strategies to get organised, the difficulty lies in applying them.

With regards to the children, I would say that day to day they have everything they need. Clean clothes on the right days, regular reading practice, homework done and immediately back in the bag ready to hand in and thanks in part to the class WhatsApp I don't miss things like Red Nose Day although sometimes it feels like a herculean effort to stay on top of things. My failings here, apart from not being the shining example of my organised parents, are more along the lines of worrying I don't organise enough playdates (when we have them I spend a long time making sure the house is clean and tidy) or extracurricular activities.

Losing things is more like putting down keys (90% solved by having a key hook now) or phone which I put down absent mindedly who knows where than passports which have a specific spot.

I acknowledge the clutter in the house is a problem. Currently living in a literal building site and have been since Jan which has made it even more difficult than usual to stay on top of things though hopefully only a month or so till that is done.

Maybe you are right and it's simply a question of trying even harder. The thing that makes me wonder though is that this is me trying really hard.

Should clarify when J wrote 'clean clothes on the right days' I mean remembering which days she needs PE kit for example, not that she only needs clean clothes on some days!

You are sounding more like me each post. 💐

Inthekitchensink would you mind clarifying what you mean by a lifestyle overhaul as such? If it turns out I do have ADHD or another condition, I don't even particularly want to be medicated, I just think it would help so much to understand what is going on with my brain, and maybe find some strategies that work.

I have been trying to simplify by decluttering but find this task quite overwhelming (and seemingly unending) especially now that charity shops being closed and not being allowed to go to the tip removed my exit strategies for all the things I decide need to go.

Eyedrops what you wrote about spending a lot of time planning what you need to do and being seemingly incapable or doing things that sound so simple on paper really resonated with me. It was probably my number one problem at work. I never missed any deadlines or anything but just had this general feeling of not being on top of/in control of everything. I would vacillate between not being able to get started, stuck in the planning phase and everything seemingly so interrelated I didn't know what to do first which stalled me in inactivity, or launching into things and spending too much time on the wrong things.

Oh wow. This is me (except the coffee-I can’t survive without it).
The putting off things I know I need to do almost as a self sabotage
The anxiety about being late and inability to concentrate on anything else if I need to be somewhere
Losing things, clutter...
I make sure the kids have everything they need and never miss non uniform days etc. but this is also incredibly anxiety inducing and takes a lot of my headspace to the extent I’m considering giving up work.

I also have a few sensory issues-noises being one of them so I think my brain is wired slightly differently to those who can adult with ease.

I’m exactly the same as you, could have written your post. I do manage to have quite a good job but I’m not very good at it and fear it’s only a matter of time before I lose it. I really don’t know what to do either. Also don’t think I have ADHD, nice as a label would be. Interested to see the answers you get :)

I can think of all the ways to organise my life. I try so so hard. Habits don’t stick. It doesn’t matter how much planning I do. It’s not that I don’t know what needs doing.

Keep an open mind about medication. It hasn’t fixed everything but it has transformed my life. For example I never managed to get my 3yo in a bedtime routine until I started it. Then it fell into place, on all but 2 very bad days I’ve managed it for several weeks now. It’s not that we haven’t tried the routines before, we’ve started them, put the laminated rules and charts up... they never lasted.

It’s like I am now able to see what needs doing and do it, in the moment. Whereas before I’d sort of have a nagging worry at the back of my head about all the things that need doing, and I’d just sit in a daze. Literally stuff like putting rubbish in the bin. Unmedicated if I had something like a packet of crisps I would forget about the packet and it would sit there. Now it’s far more likely to be noticed and I’ll throw it away sooner.

Cause and effect are finally more linked in my brain. It started with little things like remembering that getting the youngest’s clothes ready the night before saves time in the morning. Sounds stupid right? Everyone knows that. I’ve known that for years. But I still couldn’t put it into action before. Now, my brain isn’t misfiring in crazy directions all the damn time, and I can clearly see the reward of an easier morning if I get them ready at night.

Clutter is so hard. Every item of clutter is the result of an unmade decision. If you have crappy executive function it’s harder to make those decisions - will I need this? When did I use it last? Where should I keep it if I do need it? I get horrifically overwhelmed when going through a box of clutter (again though it’s improving since medicating) - and then suddenly hit the wall (usually when surrounded by stuff) and absolutely cannot make another decision. Sometimes it even makes me cry and god help me if I happen to have also forgotten to eat as I’ll be completely incapable of even deciding what to eat. Sometimes there are tears 😳

Sorry this is a jumbled mess. Very tired 😂 and I’m really not saying medication is for everyone. Plenty of people with adhd manage just fine without, it’s nobody’s decision but yours. But what I really wanted to say was please don’t blame yourself for how much you struggle with all this stuff. Don’t think you just need to try harder. It sounds like you are trying as hard as you can. It really sounds like you are trying as hard as your brain chemistry will let you. 💐

Op, you sound very like me. Just diagnosed with ADhD (inattentive) at 38. Everything makes sense now, which is weird as I had never thought I would have adhd (my dp observed it first).

Why not check out places like www.additudemag.com/
youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD

See if any of this sounds apt for you?

Also, if you are ND, the ‘trying harder’ thing just ends in burnout in my experience. Brain chemistry can’t be forced, although you can tweak it with healthy ways to get a hit of dopamine. Exercise, for example or listening go music whilst you work.

I have ADHD. Assessed and diagnosed by one of the top female psychiatrists in the UK who specialises in ADHD.

I'm never late for appointments. Ever.