I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Oh my goodness lubeybooby thank you SO much for directing me towards mini ADHD coach. Some things on there about masking which pretty much hit me between the eyes. The time spent verifying because of making 'careless' mistakes was a particular lightbulb moment to the point that I am trying not to ugly cry in front of DD.

Tried to call GP - which is big even of itself. Got a phone message saying sorry phones are (even) busier than usual owing to staff sickness and there will be a long wait and they are currently changing over the online booking system so can't book via app currently. Typical!!!!! Proud of myself for trying though. Need to capitalise on current focus!

There will always be people, including yourself, who will not believe in your diagnosis, private or not. There are still plenty of people that believe in the outdated theory that ADHD isn't real (sooo much research to disprove that now).

I was diagnosed as a child and then got a new private diagnosis last year because even I didn't believe my own childhood diagnosis and had theorised (like you) that I was just a mess of a person. Maybe you could book a private diagnosis for in a month or two while you see how fast/slow the NHS path is going... you can always cancel. I went with psychiatry UK.

Glad you are proud, you should be!

What I’ve found helpful with any referral request (have been through many with my DCs who are also autistic etc) is to just keep a note on my phone where I add symptoms/issues as I think of them. I can never remember everything when I specifically try to write such a list, but inevitably some random thought will occur when I’m on the bus or watching tv. Just literally write it down every time you notice something that makes you think “hmm that’s probably not what most people do...”. Worry about structure etc later.

Definitely relate to the verifying. It’s exhausting!

@SingToTheSky

Ah that’s great OP. I just didn’t want you to feel I was getting at you/criticising your title etc. So it’s good to know you didn’t :)

I hope the GP listens - keep posting here (there is also a long running thread for autism/adhd on the mumsnetters with SN board, you and anyone else here would be more than welcome, diagnosis not necessary!) and we could help you prepare some notes to take with you, if you like (I always forget what I’m going to say to the GP otherwise).

I have severe ADHD in that I actually can't drive safely either me too. There is absolutely no way I could stay aware of everything a driver needs to - I would only be able to focus on one aspect, like the road directly in front of me. If I looked in the rear or wing mirror then the road in front would cease to exist for me. I honestly don’t know how people keep track of all these things enough to not get in accidents!

I actually have a physical health issue that might mean driving isn’t safe anyway due to risk of fainting. I only have it mildly but I tend to use that as an excuse when telling people I don’t drive, because there is so much stigma around adhd still :(

SingToTheSky

"I looked in the rear or wing mirror then the road in front would cease to exist for me." - SAME! I can't begin to tell you the crazy things I've done but worst was definitely when I reversed into a police car lol!

Can't even post a message on here properly, jheeze 😂

I have the “ceased to exist” issue if I am not looking/with something.
It sort of rings a bell but i can’t remember in what context it is, probably because it isn’t around so it has “ceased to exist”

Symptoms of ADHD in adults include being good in a crisis and binge eating?

Seriously? I've been reading up about executive function as I am a little concerned about my 15 year old - which, has made, you know, some uncomfortable realisations about myself.

I am the definition of "good in a crisis". Car accident? Cardiac arrest? Fire? Lost child? Lost neighbour with dementia? Paedophile hunters at the school gate? Ski accident? Suicide attempt? Call me - I've been in the middle of all of those and am capable, clear thinking, say all the right things and do all the right things.

Disahwasher? Laundry? Bills? Flights? Admin? Useless.

Binge eating - have done since I was about 13. No reason for it.

Loads of ideas, constant, great, ideas. Which would work, if I could only have maybe six at a time.

ADD and ADHD are now under the same 'umbrella'.

ADD is now ADHD - Inattentive Type
ADHD is now ADHD - Hyperactive Type

There is also a Combined Type too.

Sounds like ADD (ADHD-IT).

Just because you don't tick all the boxes, doesn't mean you're not a sufferer.

@Darkdarkdeeds

I think the other aspects of ADHD which come up and really do not resonate for me are the being quick thinking and calm in a crisis and the effect of stimulants like caffeine. I absolutely hate the feeling of having had too much coffee and feel panicky and jittery.

The aspects that do strongly resonate are difficulty prioritising, sensitivity to/overwhelm with too many sounds, constantly losing things, piles of stuff everywhere, difficulty in focusing on conversations because of my loud internal dialogue, accidentally interrupting a lot, having a million ideas but not being able to execute them, focusing intently on something almost to the point of obsession, to the detriment of other activities, before losing interest.

Your last paragraph really resonates with me, OP. I've only just realised that it's possible that I have ADHD and did an online quiz, which flagged up that I have moderate to high chance that I have it. I'm in my 50s, though, so I can't see any advantage to getting a diagnosis, even though it, or something else, is affecting my life so badly.

I wish you well and hope you find an answer to your problems, it's an awful, debilitation condition, when untreated

Yep! It affects so many aspects of life I think. Storage for example. I can’t tell you how awful I am with food wastage - if I could have a see through fridge and cupboard doors it would be so much better. Clothes are so much better organised since we got a wire frame thing from IKEA instead of a wardrobe - it’s got rails at the top and mesh drawers underneath. It ain’t pretty to look at but it’s much better to look at because I can actually keep it tidy and choose what to wear etc.

Object permanence is so basic (I remember being very proud when my PFB developed that stage as a baby, as I’d learned about it in psychology A level :o) so it seems ridiculous to struggle with it. Because obviously we KNOW that things don’t actually disappear when you can’t see them, unlike a tiny baby who hasn’t developed that yet.

So why in practice can we not actually keep that knowledge?! It’s so bizarre.

@Darkdarkdeeds

Tried to call GP - which is big even of itself. Got a phone message saying sorry phones are (even) busier than usual owing to staff sickness and there will be a long wait and they are currently changing over the online booking system so can't book via app currently. Typical!!!!! Proud of myself for trying though. Need to capitalise on current focus!

Fabulous, that's a very good start, stick with it!

This is so interesting, I identify with everything you're saying. I don't have any diagnosis but have often wondered about ADD/ ADHD. Hope that your GP is sympathetic.

I did manage to successfully pass my driving test though I have never enioyed driving and I find it very stressful. I can't listen to music in the car while I am driving as it's too many inputs.

Just came back from the park where we bumped into some mums from school including one I know quite well. Conversation is so exhausting. Does anyone else get the thing where their brain almost kind of short circuits mid conversation? I was talking about my SIL moving to a new place and said she moved to a completely different place with the same first letters Even as I was saying it I knew it was wrong but my brain kind of freezes. Obviously my internal dialogue was going nuts after this point. Ironically the person I was talking to said about how I was such a lovely calm mum and I was thinking 'have you even met me??' It was so kind of her to say though.

It really sounds like ADHD OP but you seem so sure it’s not.

I'm guessing you haven't RTFT Star. I have come around to the idea that actually, it could be. My original title/post was poorly worded because really I was saying I don't think I have it.....could I? I can't thank everyone enough who has taken the time to comment. It has been so helpful. I am going to take the steps to get assessed properly and take it from there. One of the biggest takeaways from this thread has been that online tests can neither properly diagnose nor rule out ADHD but they can highlight enough concerns to be worth getting it checked out properly.

Sorry I had skim read it but obviously missed you coming around to the idea!

I hope you find out what the problem is whether it is ADHD or not.

It’s funny because I’m used to reading about people thinking they have ADHD but being told by others and doctors that they don’t but you’ve been the opposite

I’ve just been diagnosed myself but I’ve known for a fair while now.

I’m so glad you posted the thread dark - looks like others have been able to relate to it too.

I was thinking recently about the thread I posted once, asking “what’s wrong with me” - similar to you but more social stuff. When I read all the replies suggesting autism (or aspergers as that name fit too) it just felt like coming home. Wish I could read it again but it must have been on chat.

I haven't rtft but I referred someone for adhd/add assessment who had the exact same presentation (he was often hours early - people with add can be concientious or perfectionists too! And put time consuming strategies in place to ensure success - its exhausting though. He got a diagnosis and a medication trial.

My OH was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. He's super organised, rarely late and super tidy. He's focussed to the point t of being hyper focussed and can only commit o one activity at a time, think extreme version of a man who can't multitask.

To be diagnosed as an adult required a lengthy GP referral to specialist adult mental health. I had to have an in depth discussion with one of the team as did his mother and they asked to see old school reports.

What I'm trying to say is a bunch of strangers on a forum and a couple of internet quizzes are not enough for a diagnosis. ADHD is complex and not everyone will have the same difficulties and traits. The best thing to do is to speak to your GP and ask for a refferal. I'd also think what do you want to get out of a diagnosis? Medication is available but OH found it made him feel like a zombie. He was happy, however, to get a diagnosis and to realise there's a reason for why he acts a certain way and he's not just "stupid" .

MiddletownDreams

I too am in my 50s and in the middle of being assessed
My whole life has been a disaster area.

I used to think it was the chaotic and abusive house I grew up in but even though I got away and tried to do the normal things people do like get a job, clean up, cook food each evening the more depressed I became and the more exhausted I became at trying to hold it all together. In the end I think I had a nervous breakdown. I know I got so ill that I couldn’t get out of bed.

It sounds like dyspraxia to me, I've seen this many times.

Hi OP, adult adhd clinician here, everything you have said (even some of the things you have said that you think might go against ADHD) sounds very ADHD like to me. Seems are suggesting other neurodevelopmental conditions - ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia - which is of course possible, but from what I've read I'd definitely guess ADHD. I think it's really helpful to get assessed, even if you are not interested in medication/treatment. Just the self understanding can make a huge difference to people. I would speak to your GP when you can, list the traits you told us about on here, and tell them you want to be referred for assessment. There may however be a huge wait for NHS assessment. There are lots of places to get privately assessed and costs vary. One place that I hear about (but have no personal knowledge of) is Psychiatry UK who do an assessment for £360. It becomes more expensive if you then do want medication.

If no-one has posted this already, it's a good place to start:

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

Blimey, they don't like to make it easy do they? Managed to hold out for an hour and ten minutes on hold to GPs to make an appointment only to be told to ring back at 8 am on a weekday morning Could actually cry right now. Something tells me I may have to get used to this.