I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Meds were a priority for me but I do know that a lot of people prefer not to. Just the self-awareness and forgiveness can help. It’s useful to learn about the specific way it presents, like the different aspects of executive function that are worst for you, so you can learn different strategies. As it’s definitely not as simple as just being disorganised.

This book is useful for that

www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Charge-Adult-Russell-Barkley/dp/1606233386/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=adhd+barkley&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1620469140&sr=8-4

Arguably if you research the different aspects of it then an actual diagnosis may not matter anyway, but it’s definitely individual choice 💐

thank you Sing
I am already on the Pill and recently decided to restart fluoxetine

I just feel even if I got a diagnosis - which still seems unlikely given I can focus on work for example - then I would be nervous of taking more medications, possibly for life. I'd be interested to hear of anyone's experiences with medication.

I would go private as I don't want to stress the NHS any more at the moment.

Op, this is absolutely me!

I try so hard to sort myself out but it is so bloody difficult and comes unnaturally to me. I have spoken to quite a few friends and family about this. 3 years ago I had convinced myself I had adhd and thought at least I could get treated if I was diagnosed. I was assessed and told it wasn’t ADHD but instead generalised anxiety disorder. I bought this for a while but doubt started creeping in again a while ago and I paid for a second assessment. This assessment also concluded I had generalised anxiety disorder.

The thing is, I’ve been like this since a child so I still have doubts but my husband agrees he thinks it’s generalised anxiety disorder and he is certain I do not have ADHD.

I’m still dubious but accepting that it is what it is. I have started a lose does of sertraline which is making a huge difference.

Low

I looked up that Russell chap and I can't even plough through what he says on youtube

It feels like there are lots of people talking about it but the only solution is meds.

is that a fair summary?

I have trouble reading long waffle posts on MN as well - actually I just look at them and think TL:DR and move on!

@Bythemillpond I asked and the psychiatrist said he could do without stuff from childhood or someone who knows me, it just made it easier to gather info that way.

When I was reading up about stuff I found the adhd alien comics a good way of understanding how things like anxiety and depression combine with adhd and can help mask symptoms. Like I am never late for things but that's because I become overly anxious about being late and will get there ridiculously early instead. If I have a 3pm appointment I'll get literally nothing done all day because I cant focus on anything other than the impending appointment.

Bob "If I have a 3pm appointment I'll get literally nothing done all day because I cant focus on anything other than the impending appointment"

I am the same. What are the alien comics please?

They are drawn by someone who was diagnosed in her 20s. You should be able to find them here:
mobile.twitter.com/ADHD_Alien/status/1182670794633207813

I've heard that called 'waiting mode' Bob. I definitely do that too.

She does one that talks about anxiety and adhd and how they interact. mobile.twitter.com/adhd_alien/status/1159832594223001602

I searched adhd on Pintrest of all places and found loads of people describing how adhd affects them and was nodding along to all of them. Helped reassure me that I was on the right track with seeking a diagnosis.

[quote BobBobBobbing]She does one that talks about anxiety and adhd and how they interact. mobile.twitter.com/adhd_alien/status/1159832594223001602[/quote]
Thank you

The statement about having no sense of time and therefore having no future in sight resonates with me. I sometimes panic because I feel as if there isn't a future, if that makes any sense.

The "someone else provides a button" thing....I do find that hard but cannot think how to get a button. What do others use as their button?

A little late to this thread. I'm so sorry to read of your experiences but so grateful to OP and others for sharing as it is such a penny drop moment for me.

I'm extremely lucky, happy and grateful for my lot but feel I could have achieved so much more! I've always wondered about dyspraxia because I really struggle with coordination, even to try a basic exercise class is extremely embarrassing and I absolutely cannot dance. I can however do one sport that involves a kind of coordination to a fairly advanced level.

I'm socially awkward and often find my mind sort of freezes or jumps mid conversation. Sometimes I just seem to come out with totally the wrong thing, even though in hindsight I can see what the right thing to do or say would have been, it's like I panic in the moment. I achieved good grades at school and university but they could have been excellent ones if I'd been more organised at school - every single piece of work was done at the very last minute (conclusions to essays written in the taxi on the way to university half an hour or so before the deadline, I couldn't really afford taxis either but by then there would be no time for public transport) and I used to be almost always late for everything. I lived with my dad and his wife for a period and it caused terrible tension because they are very organised and orderly and I would do things like leaving the keys in the door, or more minor infractions like leaving the tv on standby or a mug in my room which still caused a lot of problems.

When I was a child I did have some odd thoughts and at 13 really struggled with my touch on reality (something a bit like derealisation I think.) It was a very strange feeling which really affected me day to day, I tried to explain to my parents but I don't think they realised how serious it was. Later it manifested as a concern there was something wrong with my eyesight and perhaps that was why things didn't seem quite real, but no problems were found (although I do have something mildly called visual snow which until recently I thought everyone saw!) if I were to let myself, I'd still go down this path as things don't really look as "real" as I'd expect them to, if that makes any kind of sense to anybody. I have recently become slightly short sighted and thought glasses would be the magic answer but they aren't, they so obviously help me focus on longer distances but things still have their "unreal" quality. It doesn't affect me anymore because I just ignore those thoughts now but I do think it must be nice to feel more in the world.

I will say I have got so, so much more organised over time and find life much easier now. I'm usually early although also overcompensate massively and often be very much so. I also often can't really focus on other things when I have something coming up later. I did mysteriously do very well in a fast paced competitive work environment that required a lot of organisation - somehow under that pressure I did extremely well and became a manager. I did however still struggle with the odd thing that wasn't that important but needed to be scanned or posted or something fiddly like that as I'd not always get round to it .

I also worry a lot about whether I can model a sensible adult life to my two young children. My DH didn't have a clue what I was on about when I explained it to him earlier because he said our house is reasonably clean and tidy, kids have a routine and do lots. It's true, but although not the disaster zone of my youth our cabinets are cluttered and the kitchen cupboards disorganised, that kind of thing. I want to live a life where I am not embarrassed of another adult coming and opening a drawer. Even my clothes seem folded messily, if that makes any sort of sense, and I don't want them to be but I just don't seem to be able to do it right! I think part of this worry is irrational now as actually our house isn't that bad and stems from living with my dad and his wife and feeling I couldn't get anything right, but it is true that I let clutter build and if I'm not really strict about things like the organised mum method the house would quickly disintegrate into chaos.

DH does rightly point out that I half do things all the time, literally, like half shutting a shampoo bottle but not properly putting the lid on. I also can't stack the dishwasher logically.

My head often has a funny feeling in it that I cannot explain in words, and I struggle to relax. I also procrastinate massively over tasks because I want to do them just right, so I'd never do them at all in days gone by, and it takes a lot out of me to do them now. For example I really wanted to send a lovely thank you card to someone from my past who sent a gift, but I couldn't find the right picture for moonpig and then wasn't sure what to say about a particular thing and in the end the moment passed and it was too late. I actually got as far as buying a customised photo card for some nurses on a ward I was on, but procrastinated so much about going to the shop to get chocolates and whether that was the appropriate thing to post with it that I never sent that card either.

I'm so sorry for such a long message and for hijacking the thread but it really helped to write it all out!

Totally relate to waiting mode!

Had my private assessment today. She said she thinks I have ADD. I burst into tears and have felt very odd all day. Grieving over something. But what? Also late 50s. My DD god live her is the only person I've told about my assessment coming up, who said she could see why I thought I might have it. My DO and DM said "oh no you don't have ADHD" purely because the former thinks I'm wonderful and the latter hasn't a clue who I really am. Plus I'm financially successful.

Feeling very odd indeed about it. I had anticipated feeling relief and jubilant eat a diagnosis after 40 years of feeling "wrong" and 20 years of therapy and anti depressants, both of which have helped but I still feel fundamentally incapable of being normal.

I'm so glad that MN has threads like this. It really helped to know I wasn't alone.

awesome glad you feel better.

Do you know what the next steps are?

I have been researching this evening and insomnia, especially delayed onset sleep, seems to be a feature as well.

If I have to get up early because of an appointment I cannot sleep. I just end up exhausted and the day is a right off. I am so panicked that I will sleep through my alarm or just not get up I don’t go to bed.

Both dc were late for school regularly. I would get worked up about trying to get to school early as I hated it when I was late for school but I would be in such a panic about getting up that I wouldn’t sleep till 5 am then as soon as I had nodded off I had to get up and I just ended up exhausted and late because we had to return to the house so many times because we had forgot things

At the school gate I would pick up on conversations that the following week was 1/2 term holidays or Monday was an inset day but sometimes I missed the conversation and regularly turned up with them on inset days and when the school was shut for holidays.
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If both dd and I are diagnosed with ADHD (dds assessment later this month and mine is in June) then I can say that my family also had/have ADHD. None of them could ever hold down a job. Even my grandfather would flit from job to job regularly walking out of places of work after an argument and never going back.
I haven’t held down a f/t or p/t job since the 80s and the longest I held down a job before that was 10 months. (Twice) Somewhere around the 10 month mark my brain just shuts down and I cannot get out of bed. Before that I used to find myself bursting into tears. I felt I was young and wasting my life but couldn’t seem to think about what I should be doing.

I struggle with a lot of things. I never got any qualifications. I can’t hold down a job. My house is always a mess. I cannot even decide anything important I just let life happen. I have tried to make decisions before and the only way I can describe how my brain works is to compare how I think someone who doesn’t have difficulties thinks compared to my brain.
I imagine there are 2 rooms and between them are 2 doorways, an entrance and an exit.
In one room there are people and every thought or idea you have is a person.

I think if you do naturally think clearly and you need to make a decision you get all the ideas and thoughts surrounding the decision
into the empty room. They come through the door marked entrance and can order themselves into a relevant pattern so you can come to a decision,

My way of thinking is everyone runs for the doorway and then gets stuck as 2 or 3 people are trying to squeeze through at the same time
Then when I have a few people who are relevant to my thinking in the right room they are milling around with every other idea that came through the door and I can’t get them to stay and as a few more relevant ideas come in a few of the ones that were in the room wander off to the exit and end up at the back of the mob in the starting room again and then nothing gets decided.

The only time I think clearly and my brain is so clear is if I am in danger. (I have been in danger a lot) Then I know exactly what I need to do.

Congratulations on your diagnosis Awesome. From what I have read, the grieving you talked about is very common for those who are diagnosed later in life. I think in part it can stem from thinking 'If I'd been diagnosed earlier, what might have been?' Even for those who are very successful, they have often internalised feelings of shame and inadequacy for the things they find difficult and mistakes made which they didn't know were caused by brain differences. Even on this thread, a number of people, myself included, have described themselves as rubbish, useless or just lacking in some way. These feelings can be very painful.

If you are in the UK and want to chat further I can highly recommend UK women with ADHD on Facebook as a lovely supportive forum filled with diverse brained people.

This thread has come at the perfect time for me. A complete meltdown at work has had me questioning what the hell is wrong with me. All the things I have found so hard over the years - school, work, relationships, motherhood - suddenly makes sense . And, like you OP, I would never have said there was any chance of ADHD as I am not hyperactive (only inside my head). Blown away and in tears.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time Wrinkle. It's so tough when work is stressful. I hope this thread has made you feel less alone. Be prepared to fall into a massive rabbithole of lightbulb moments!

Dh filled in a report for the assessment and marked no to all the hyperactive/impulsive bits apart from the bouncing/jiggling leg one. My friend and colleague ticked yes to most of them because she sees me in a different environment. At home I do a lot of sitting on the sofa/in bed staring at my phone. This is cause I'm worn out from work and actually in my head I'm listing all the things I should be doing instead of playing on my phone so the hyperactivity is in my head rather than my body, if that makes sense.

Wrinkle- I had a breakdown a couple of years ago (think bursting into tears and telling a senior manager to fuck off before walking out and not going back for 4 months). Luckily work recognised their contribution to the situation and I could go back. I've had two fantastic line managers in my life, including my current one, who know how to get the best out of me. They manage the difficult balance between not giving me orders ‐‐because I won't do something if I'm told to-- and keeping me focused where I need to be.

Dark- thanks for the recommendation, I've asked to join that group.

Thank you so much. Just can’t believe so many similarities. Need to go and have a lie down now!

Aw bob it really is overwhelming to realise this stuff. You are very much not alone here 💐

I first realised I was autistic several years back (ADHD only in 2018), it was thanks to mumsnet that I joined all the dots, and it helped me feel so much less alone - and that even helped when my own kids were diagnosed. MN is brilliant for this stuff.

Oh I meant blob but also hi bob :o

Can you tell my meds haven’t kicked in yet 😂