I don't have ADHD, so what the hell wrong with me?

[Darkdarkdeeds]

I will try to keep this short. I am 41 and pretty much a walking disaster area. Chronically disorganised, messy, always end up stressed and overworked in jobs owing to being disorganised and not being able to manage my time, always end up having to spend extra money on postage etc because I haven't allowed enough time for mailing a present for example, got a 2:2 in my degree despite being very academically able because I just couldn't get my shit together. The list goes on.

I have some traits of inattentive ADHD, and I'll admit, I was hoping that would give me some answers as to why I am so useless. My gut feeling though is that I don't have it. Some aspects definitely don't fit me, I am very rarely late to appointments or forget them as long as they are in my diary. I am more likely to be early as I overestimate the time it will take to get somewhere and feel incredibly anxious about being late. I don't think I struggle with following instructions either. In a way I can be organised, I have set up a thousand different systems, each time thinking this will be the one which keeps me on track, only for it to fall by the wayside within days or weeks. I am very detail oriented and if anything get overly bogged down in details to the point of inaction.

I feel so ashamed that I am so useless as a human being that I would almost wish to have a disorder/condition many people struggle with. Does anyone out there feel the same? Have you found any strategies which have helped?

I am in the incredibly fortunate position that I fell in love with someone who has his shit together. He has a tendency towards mess which isn't ideal but he doesn't really care, whereas my inability to keep things tidy is a source of anxiety and shame to me. We have a lovely house thanks to DH's job, financially I have contributed very little, even less since I was made redundant. I have somehow managed to avoid being fired ever despite really struggling work wise. I have tended to compensate by working ridiculous hours/weekends etc to try to keep my head above water.

I don't really know why I am posting, maybe in the hope that someone will tell me I'm not just a failure. I have 2 children and I am terrified that they will grow up like me or not fulfill their potential because of my inability to be organised. My mum and dad are both incredibly together as are my sisters so I'm this weird black sheep of the family.

Anyway thank you if you somehow waded through that brain dump and still more if you have any suggestions or even just reply.

Update to clarify on my previous post, I am checking if they meant at the referral stage or the disgnostic stage. All I really care about is getting a 'proper' diagnosis so thresholds for referral don't bother me.

I have just got a diagnosis in my early 50s agree with article about it being different in women. Prompted by my daughter getting a diagnosis and seeing the transformation medication had for her. My main thing is inattention losing things anxious mind always going a million miles an hour difficulty relaxing and not being able to concentrate on boring/ repetitive tasks. I have just started medication and feeling a real positive difference so go for it

Bugger, Jenny. That negates the point of going private! Thanks, forewarned and all that.

Dark imposter syndrome is a terrible thing. And best ignored. As you will know perfectly well!

Sssloou

There is a interesting piece on YouTube from Jessica McCabe who was between medication for 2 weeks (US health care and her moving house). How she thought with all her years of practice and learned skills she could keep going until her healthcare kicked in and she could get her meds.
Can’t remember the exact timeline but within days she had forked out a few hundred dollars for 2 weeks of meds because she couldn’t achieve anything without them.

The way she described how she needed to sit down and write an article but did everything but the article.

I think some people might be able to learn strategies but for me I think I will need medication. I think if I am diagnosed (I have a date in July for my assessment) then I don’t think learning coping strategies will be enough.

The being calm in a crisis is definitely me. It is like the world slows down and my mind clears and is focused on what needs doing.
Getting 2 children to school on time, with the correct uniform and all the homework done and remembering the cakes for the bake sale and I am a mess.
I have several times arrived at school really late but have breathed a sigh of relief when I have found that it is half term or an Inset day.

It has always mystified me how I seemed to be the only one who did this (regularly)

OP one good thing about pursuing a diagnosis is that if you get it, you can then apply for support at work using Access To Work on the .gov website. I did and am receiving 10 x 2 hour work coaching sessions which are the best thing EVER. It is like life coaching, therapy and work coaching rolled into one and I could not be happier. I have intolerances for stimulant meds snd can I let take them occasionally so the coaching has been a good send (only diagnosed last year at 53.

Definitely worth it.

Are you me?!

I am absolutely like this to a tee. It makes life so flipping difficult. I do keep meaning to get assessed but in the meantime I do find ADHD guidance very useful - I’m not sure if I have it either but I think the advice works even if you are just very organisationally challenged.

I suspect the systems you are setting up are too complex, mine were. Keep it simple - really simple - remove all the friction you can, as much decision making as possible - and experiment, and keep experimenting and being curious. Worth getting on the ADDitude email list also.

I could have written this myself, fairly confident I have ASD. It’s very different for females OP and worth looking in to.

I know I'm late to the party, but if you hadn't written this OP, I'd have thought you were me.

I was clever at school (3 As at A-level) but got a 2:2 in my degree due to choosing the completely wrong subject. I am always being told I'm messy but I just can't 'see' mess. I've managed to hold down a Head of Dept role for 11 years due to heavy masking I'm also a massive over-sharer and my voice is too loud.

DS1 has an ASD/ADHD diagnosis which we paid for, so I feel like I can't afford to get me diagnosed. However, I'm about to start a Psychology MSc and I wonder if it would be worth the special consideration.

Good luck with your assessment

HelpfulBelle

Why don’t you go down the NHS route?

We were told it takes years but if they hadn’t stuffed up it would have taken 4 months from start to finish.
Dd started in January and her new assessment appointment is later in May.
I started a little after and my new assessment appointment is in June

I've got a GP appointment booked to hopefully start the process but feel terrified... Convinced they'll say it's not 'bad enough' to warrant diagnosis. Particularly as I can't think how much of it applied as a child. Aaargh! Glad I'm taking the step though. Any guidance on the process would be wonderful??!

I've been referred for an assessment through NHS.
What exactly happens at an assessment?

Was the referral through your Gp

@Bythemillpond

Was the referral through your Gp

Yes through my Gp. Had blood tests etc so have now been referred.

No advice as such OP but all I wanted to say is that you sound lovely and way too hard on yourself.

After the gp referred me I got a letter arranging a telephone chat where they asked a few questions about my life now and my childhood.
Can’t really remember much of it as I was talking a lot and got side tracked talking about other things.
Then I got referred for a face to face meeting and I had to fill out a questionnaire that asked about different circumstances and what it was like in childhood

I have filled out this form so many times.
Firstly I kept losing it then I sent it in and they lost it.
I did have a f2f meeting apparently a few weeks ago but I wasn’t told about it and as they had lost my form they wouldn’t have been able to do anything as it is the answers on the form that they discuss. I have a new appointment in June.

Dd who started the process a couple of weeks before me and there was also a mix up with her F2f meeting (they told her it would be a telephone interview then wondered why she didn’t turn up) has a rescheduled meeting at the end of his month.

I have always known I didn’t think like other people. I just put it down to my family being dysfunctional.
I was the first person in generations who went out and got a job. Unfortunately after 10 months I couldn’t get out of bed because I couldn’t face doing the same thing over snd over. I think 6 weeks is my tolerance level for any job. If I am forced to stay 10 months is when I have a nervous breakdown.

I haven’t worked in regular employment since the 80s

I have read this thread with great interest, having posted earlier on a thread about having depression.

It struck me about things falling apart at uni. Same for me.

I still can't help feeling that what I'm saying if I say "Things went wrong at uni" is that "I am bad at adulting".

I know that's not true because I can apparently hold down a job and own my home.

but it does seem like I only have motivation for the big interesting things. The day to day mechanics of domestics, cooking, cleaning etc really get me down because I never seem to be on top of them.

then that seems a crazy moan because it's something everyone has to do. I can't say I am lacking executive function when I am clearly fine in some areas.

the only thing that seems to address is it planning and discipline which is exactly what I try to avoid. It becomes a bit silly because it gets me down and leads to some poor decision making.

if you have ADD in some areas but not others - is that even a thing - what can actually be done about it? Particularly if you aren't keen on taking meds?

I really enjoyed school. It was hard but the structure clearly suited me. I saw a career coach after who said to me that people commonly find everything changes because you are not a child anymore and have to be responsible for so many things, which as a child wasn't something you had to worry about it.

then it comes full circle to - how can I be better at adulting?

thank you if you have read this far!

I booked an assessment as a result of this thread- spend the intervening time flipping between "I am being ridiculous" and looking at the symptom list and saying "This is describing me".

Just finished my assessment and the psychiatrist confirmed I have adhd!

Good for you BobBobBobbing. That was really fast! Did you go private?

Yes, it was private- I knew if I had to go via my gp I'd never get round to booking an appointment.
first tick on the adhd checklist

Psychiatrist was very nice and explained how I can move onto the nhs pathway at any stage as I want to try the drugs. He also wasn't pushy around medication and went through all the options. He also spent time going through what I'd said and how it linked back to the diagnosis.

How are you getting on Darkdarkdeeds? I cant remember what people have said from earlier in the thread tick number two on the checklist so apologies if you only just explained something!

I haven't really done anything about getting diagnosed unless you count obsessively thinking about it. I have also been experiencing low sex drive, possibly linked to peri-menopause, which I have made an appointment for and in my stupid overthinking brain that means I can't now book an appointment related to ADHD right now as they'll think I'm a hypochondriac.....I prioritised the sex drive thing as I feel bad for DH. Even though he never pressures me at all I know him well enough to know that he is pretty down about it.

Ah, I know the overthinking brain. Just had a conversation with a friend and said I was now worried I might have over emphasised my symptoms. She pointed out that as well as the interview and reports I filled in, the psychiatrist also had comments from 2 people and my school reports so wasn't just looking at what I said. That helped!

Could you maybe book another drs appointment just so it is already in your diary? I'd talk you into moving forward quicker because it would help you move beyond obsessing but I know that approach would not work on me so I won't try!

Have you had any therapy OP? I don't know about any diagnoses but you are incredibly self critical and maybe a perfectionist? Could you perhaps do some work around self love as that might help you and your kids. But I haven't read your whole thread so I may be massively missing the point.

Self critical and perfectionism can be a side effect of adhd. I'm a perfectionist and a workaholic. The psychiatrist said this was common as people with adhd don't want to let others down or miss out on something. And we internalise criticism as we know that we are not focussing on things (I'm acutely aware of when I am avoiding stuff and hate myself for it) and have also probably been told off for not focussing through our lives. So while it may be an alternative explanation, it doesnt necessarily rule out adhd if that makes sense.

BobBobBobbing

What if you don’t have 2 people who really know you and your school reports went up in a house fire. Plus the school no longer exists?

Is it possible to get a diagnosis still if there isn’t anyone who knew me as a child and the people who know me now aren’t really close

people who have had a late diagnosis - is it much use if you don't go on meds?