Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

It's the never knowing who that person would have grown up to be that really bothers me. All my reasons were sound but god this hurts. Someone close to me said to not overthink those thoughts because I'm never going to know and therefore will never get closure. It's so hard though!

Topaz I went through all of this inner turmoil that you're going through and I'm now fully content with the decision I made. You will be too one day I promise.

I really hope so! I'm glad you feel better about your decision now.
I'm 3 weeks in now and the feelings are still so raw.
Sorry, I feel like a broken record. Everyone on this thread who has been putting up with me, thank you. Offloading on here and receiving support is a way for me to get through this.

Well keep posting as long as it's helping you. You're not a broken record, you're just in the middle of trying to process the hardest decision you've ever had to make in your life. I know how it feels and my heart really goes out to you.

How long ago was it for you missladybird?
What were your circumstances/reasons? If you don't want to answer that I understand. x

I had the abortion in March this year at 5 weeks. I made the decision because of the negative impact it would have on my dd's life. I'm a single parent and I wouldn't have been able to be the mum I want to be if I'd kept the baby. I would have been a mess mentally and couldn't have coped at that time

My due date was the 26th of last month and I did think about it quite a lot but not in a regretful way

You did it out of love and concern for your existing child and that's a perfectly reasonable reason.
I knew that if I kept this baby it would affect my children too. So I know exactly why you made your choice.

Exactly. Keep reminding yourself of that. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

Thank you x

So so sorry. I see now that my 4 year old hijacked your thread with an emojifest (I thought he was playing a game). I’ll ask to get my posts deleted ....

Oh my god! 😂😂 Don't worry, kids will be kids! That's made me laugh, my 4 year old would do the same if he could.
Sorry if my post sounded a bit arsey this morning. I thought you were either a) drunk or b) taking the mick.

ITcould Thank you

My children still fill me with love and happiness, but my feelings of happiness are tainted by the fact that I feel like one of them is missing because of me. Is that the guilt?

Your mind is trying to punish you because you feel like you don't deserve happiness. Your family is complete the way it is otherwise you woudlnt have made the decision you made. It might feel like you didn't put enough thought into it but you honestly wouldn't have gone through with it if you hadn't thought about it well enough. The abortion doesn't mean that a child is missing. Think about how life would have been if you had gone through with the pregnancy but without rose tinted glasses.

It would have been very difficult.

Yesterday I saw a video of my eldest when he was a baby. I don't know why but I just broke down in tears. He's nearly 7 now and it seems like such a long time ago since he was that small. Life was so simple and happy back then.

It's affecting my bond with my children and it's worrying me. I know I love them more than anything else in the world but I feel so numb at the moment that it's affecting my enthusiasm for them.
I NEED help because I want to be the person I was before. I show them love and affection and meet their needs but inside I feel numb. My children are my everything and this abortion can not beat me.
I think I am severely depressed because it's affecting me enjoying anything in life anymore. But to feel like I can't enjoy my children like I used to, that I cannot live with at all. I can't go on like that. Now way. I have to get better! It absolutely breaks my fucking heart feeling like this.
I've realised that this issue is so much more important.
Will anti depressants help with this?

I think you need professional help, Topaz, and it would be best to go and see your GP.

I promise you Topaz that this site and it's associated message boards saved my life:

www.afterabortion.com/about_pass.html

Completely non-judgemental and non-political or religious. I'm not active on it these days but I am friends with women all over the world who were with me in the bad days, or who I was with in their bad days.

PM me if you want to talk about it/anything.

I'm all on my own today ☹️ kids are at school, dp back in work, family away on holiday etc...
I can't stop this guilt. I feel so bad on the little life I will never get to meet and it is killing me 😢 xx

Hi topaz, how are things this evening?

Hi forest. I'm just very very tired. I need a good sleep.
I've had another rough day today beating myself up. I am just exhausted by it all. I've not been able to cry but today it just came flowing out. It did make me feel a bit better.

Please help me I want this pain to go away so I can get on with life for my children and be happy again. I can't cope feeling like this!

Hi Topaz, I'm so sorry that you are still feeling so bad. Do you think it would be worth contacting your gp to see if they can get you some extra support?