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Original poster

Suicidal after abortion

307 replies

Topaz89 · 03/11/2017 16:37

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

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PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 16:36

How is the sertraline going??

Original poster
Topaz89 · 18/12/2017 17:02

I've not taken it for weeks. I took 4 of them and then stopped because I was worried about the side affects and then them not working.

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PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 19:45

I've not taken it for weeks. I took 4 of them and then stopped because I was worried about the side affects and then them not working
You should try them as they may just be the thing that helps you through this dark time.

One thing for sure is that they won't help you if you don't take them.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 19/12/2017 04:16

Ok. It's worth a shot. Could it be my depression that's stopping me from moving on? I've always been so sceptical about ADs because I always think that if I take them I will be reliant on them.

I'm lay awake at the moment thinking about the pregnancy and the potential baby. I would have been 16 weeks now if I'd have carried on Sad I feel like I chucked away something so precious. And I'm worried that I face a lifetime of wondering what that baby would have looked like and every milestone such as first day at school will haunt me.

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PersianCatLady · 19/12/2017 04:20

Right now you need to feel better, maybe the ADs will help?

Don't worry about the future too much now with things like worrying about relying on the ADs

Right now,it really isn't important.

Have you asked your GP if you can have any more counselling?

Original poster
Topaz89 · 19/12/2017 04:34

I have more counselling booked in for after Christmas. Maybe combined with the ADs it will be more effective.

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DoItAgainBob · 19/12/2017 08:37

Honestly, I would take the AD's. They will help lift your mood. You don't have to be on them long term but they do work, especially in conjunction with counselling. I totally understand the reluctance but give them a go for a few months and see how you get on.

Sorry you're suffering, depression is horrible and totally clouds your view of things but it does get better.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 19/12/2017 16:55

The thing is I have had such a good year up until October. My summer 2017 was amazing and I was so happy. I was a completely different person. We went to Haven/London and I was just generally really really happy with how my life was going. The boys went back to school in September and I was getting stuck back in with the house and also spending lots of time with my youngest. Then October came and everything just changed. I guess I am grieving the life I had before I fell pregnant because after that everything changed, and then got worse at the end of October when I had the abortion. I just can't believe how different life feels now compared to just a few months ago. I want that me back and I want that life back.

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Original poster
Topaz89 · 22/12/2017 08:27

I really don't want to be here anymore Sad I wish I could just go to sleep one night and never wake up.

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Hedgehog80 · 22/12/2017 08:32

I’ve been where you are. In 2000 i had a second trimester termination that I didn’t want and was destroyed afterwards. I know how you are feeling.

Please please go to your gp. Get an emergency appointment and take the anti depressants. There won’t be any side effect worse than how you feel now so don’t even look at the leaflet that comes with them.

If you can afford private counselling or to see a psychologist then try to get an appt ASAP. If not ask the gp and ask them to arrange it urgently.

Most importantly, let yourself grieve. Cry for what you have lost, if you can talk about it then do as pushing it aside make it’s worse you need to talk and cry and scream. If you want to pm me at any time you can.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this it’s truly dreadful. Christmas makes it worse I know. Mine was the 27 Nov and I feel it every year so I know xxxx

Original poster
Topaz89 · 22/12/2017 08:57

Hedgehog I'm so sorry to hear you've been through the same thing.Flowers How do you feel these days because yours was quite a long time ago now wasn't it x

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Hedgehog80 · 22/12/2017 09:19

It’s hard to describe. The pain is not raw like it was at first but every year I do feel sad and things remind me.
I made the huge mistake initially of not dealing with it, partly as it was a forbidden subject (I was a teenager living at home) and partly because I was trying to blank it out and that made it worse. Looking back I should have talked about it, cried and grieved but instead I blanked it out and was pregnant again 3 months later.
If I could go back in time I’d go to the gp and get ADs and counselling.
I can go weeks now not thinking about it but often it catches me unaware and I do still cry but it’s sadness not raw pain. I hope you can get some help it’s one of the worst things to go through xx

Original poster
Topaz89 · 23/12/2017 09:00

Hedgehog how did you feel when you fell pregnant again? Sometimes I think that would be the only thing that would heal me.

I feel more anxious than usual today- 2 days before Christmas! I just want to sleep because that's the only time I forget. Usually I am so excited and happy at this time of year.

I started taking Sertraline yesterday. My second attempt. Will I definitely see an improvement in how I am feeling? Does it make the anxiety go away?

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Original poster
Topaz89 · 23/12/2017 09:21

Is anyone around? I'm all on my own because my dp is at work and my kids are with my parents. So the house is all quiet and I can't focus on anything but my feelings about the abortion.
I have so much to do but can't find the energy.

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Hedgehog80 · 24/12/2017 10:33

I think antidepressants take a little while to start working so maybe after a week or so you’ll start to feel an improvement that’s the experience I’ve had but I’ve been on Prozac and citalopram so may be different for sertraline. It’s good you have started then though.

Getting pregnant again left me with a lot of confusing feelings as I hadn’t dealt with what had happened. I think I should have left it a little longer and had some help but I was so young and couldn’t access anything. I was very anxious in that pregnancy constantly thinking I’d get ‘punished’ somehow and lose the baby. I didn’t she was fine but it’s left me with a desire to keep having babies and I believe it’s due to the deep trauma of the termination. I do wish I’d dealt with it at the time. I’ve had counselling since which was helpful but in your situation I’d be looking for help now as the grieving and healing process is so important please dont bottle it up like I did as it stores up huge problems for the future.

I tried to distract myself often and if I couldn’t think about anything else I’d write. How I felt, what had happened, letters to my baby. Then I’d seal them up and put in a box. I did revisit them in therapy which was hard. Maybe if you can’t focus on anything you could write how you feel then read it back, it may be upsetting but from experience I think processing it,crying and grieving is what your mind needs 😔

PersianCatLady · 24/12/2017 18:04

I’ve been on Prozac and citalopram so may be different for sertraline
I have had all three of these ADs at very points in my life and I found that sertraline was the most effective and the one with the least side-effects and it was much easier to come off of than the others.

I appreciate that everybody's experiences are different but I am so glad that you are making positive steps to feel and get better Topaz89

Original poster
Topaz89 · 26/12/2017 06:34

Feeling very sad again Sad I just want this to all go away. I would have been 17 weeks now and I would have been getting a little bump/feeling the baby starting to kick/sharing the wonderful experience with my children etc...
I just keep thinking about how lovely it would have been for them to experience that.

I also keep thinking about next Christmas and how the baby would have been 6 months old next Christmas if I'd have given him or her a chance Sad Next Christmas is going to be hard, and that is a whole year away and we have the due date before that, so I feel like I'm not going to get better any time soon.

My head is a mess. I'm so full of guilt and regret and anxiety and sadness all at the same time.

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SandysMam · 26/12/2017 06:45

Right...some tough talking. Your task for today is to focus on your children. To give them a lovely mum for Boxing Day and to play and cuddle and love them. What happened had happened but you need to stop letting it dictate the rest of your children’s futures. They love and need you. Get through to when the Doctors opens and then go in and tell them EVERYTHING. Show them this thread if needs be.
Just focus on today. That is what I have done missing my mum and it helps to keep your mind on the task in hand even when the pain is too much. Flowers you will get through this, you have to for your kids.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 26/12/2017 08:05

SandysMam I'm trying so hard to stay on task and be in the here and now, I really am.
It's just haunting me so much. I can't sleep or eat properly. I didn't want any more children and was so content with my 3 that I have. Now I'm here regretting aborting my 4th child. I really feel like i have messed my life up. But I'm trying to be strong for my children because they need me.

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PersianCatLady · 26/12/2017 12:19

Topaz89
Sweetheart, once the ADs start working I think that the over thinking will start to ease a bit.

As other PPs have said, get down the doctors tomorrow and tell her everything.

You have just got one more day to get through now.

Please sweetie, just keep going for the sake of your beautiful three boys.

roastandyorkies · 26/12/2017 21:32

@Topaz89 I feel for you xxx

SandysMam · 27/12/2017 12:29

Hope you are ok today Topaz and getting to the doctors. Thinking of you Flowers

Original poster
Topaz89 · 27/12/2017 18:20

I've got a doctors appointment booked for Friday morning.
I'm still feeling no better Sad I really really can't go on like this. I am so empty and sad. I was a completely different person just a few months ago.

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berryupset · 27/12/2017 21:45

Topaz I just wanted to get in touch to see how you are today. I am in a similar situation - I had a termination in 2015, it was the most terrible mistake of my life. Since then I have got pregnant twice with longed for babies and had to terminate both, for medical reasons. So three losses in just over two years. I understand how you are feeling and although I can’t offer much In the way of a long view, I just want you to know you are not alone. What is keeping me going right now are my two DC but I know it is going to be a long, hard road. I feel utterly broken but we HAVE to survive for the sake of our children. I will be thinking of you.

Original poster
Topaz89 · 28/12/2017 09:12

berry I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been/are going through SadFlowers my heart is breaking for you.
My children are the only thing keeping me going too. But even so, I still just want to go to sleep one night and never wake up.

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