Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

I spoke to Arch trust last night.

For the first time in my life I am not excited about the fact that it's my birthday I'm just full of grief instead.

Hi Topaz, I hope you are getting access to the help you need. Well done for reaching out! Don't worry about your birthday. One shit birthday is pretty good in the grand scheme of things. Stay brave!

I'm back at Marie Stopes today 😢 I've been getting pains and my test is still a strong positive so god knows what is going on. I've probably got some nasty infection or retained tissue or something. Perfect way to spend my 28th!

I hope the appt goes ok OP, let us know how you get on. There will be other birthdays. This will probably be the worst one- the good news is that next years is likely to be far better as you won't be going through this.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I have been where you are and it's a very much an untalked about part of having a termination. I was so unprepared for the huge feeling of grief and regret. It completely floored me and shook my mental health.

It was and remains the right decision but it is hard to see that amongst the hormones and confusion in the early days. And even though it's the right decision you still need lots of time to over come the grief. It is a loss, whether it's was a wanted baby or not, so be very kind to yourself. Things will settle down. You will always remember your due date and wonder what life would have been like. I still think about my baby 15 years on but it remains the right decision, albeit a sad one.

I had complications afterwards and worried about my fertility but have gone on to have DC's but understand the anxiety. FWIW I had positive test for 4 weeks after and had the same with my miscarriages. It takes a while for the hormones to settle down. I hope your ok.

DoItAgainBob, I was very unprepared for it too. Life has completely changed for me since having it done. Things haven't changed around me, everything is still as it was before. But in my head, who I was before is gone. My old self died on the day I took that first pill.

I fear a lifetime of what ifs and sadness about what could have been. What the baby would have looked like. Whether it was a boy or a girl etc.. I'm dreading the due date and first Christmas next year. We should have been going for the 12 week scan in the next week or so, but we're not because there is no baby there anymore. January would have been the 20 week scan.
I'm not emotionally strong enough for all of this.

Are you sure you're not transferring some of the grief around your relationship to the termination too? You've been through an awful lot recently and I think you could benefit from some counselling. Hope you're ok OP. One day at a time.

How'd it go in the clinic?

It went ok at the clinic. The pregnancy test is now negative and the scan showed nothing wrong. I just need to wait for swab results from my GP now.

I'm grieving the pregnancy and the would have been baby, but yes I probably am transferring some of the grief of my relationship on to the terimination too.

What really upsets me as well, is that when I look at my beautiful amazing children, they remind me of what I have lost. Because the baby would have been one of them. That's just silly isn't it?

Hi

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. If it helps, I also felt this way. I felt that I shouldn't be allowed to be happy ever again. That I didn't deserve it.

I found this non-judgemental support site www.afterabortion.com/message.html Gradually I recovered with their help.

That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy or enjoy life anymore. But that's not fair on my children either, they need a mum who is happy or they will suffer because of me being unhappy.

After I started posting about it and getting help I joined their Structured Recovery Programme. It was a godsend for me and I am still friends with those people all over the world who helped me back then.

It is possible to get over this.

I totally agree with change and can't emphasis enough the importance of getting support or therapy to help you through this. It was a really important part of healing for me. Termination can be a traumatic event, no question. It's an unusual type of grief as you brought it on yourself and that brings lots of complex emotions.

I've also had that feeling of not deserving to be happy, especially around subsequent pregnancy loses. These are all normal but unspoken emotions.

What I will say is having had really terrible PND where I felt completely overwhelmed and unable to cope or love a baby that was already here, that was far, far harder to get over. I hang on to those memories when I have a wobble.

It is an unusual type of grief. With termination you grieve but you can't reach out to people for support because of the stigma attached to it. It's a very real loss and when you are faced with the decision it can potentially be the most difficult decision you will ever have to make. I hate it how people are called murderers for making that decision. It is such a fucking ignorant statement to make and if any protesters were outside the Marie Stopes centre today I think I would have lost it at them and told them to go and fuck themselves. I would have kept the baby in a heartbeat if the circumstances allowed me to. But they didn't and that is why I have suffered a loss and I am grieving.

I have to remember that the grief I am feeling is nothing compared to the grief I would feel if something happened to one of my children.

I remember that before my abortion I was pro choice for other women but pro life for myself. Of course I'd never be in the position to have to make the choice anyway. Until I did.

I went on to have a DC a few years later. Then two years after that, a miscarriage. I felt I deserved that and I wasn't able to grieve properly.

However, I came to terms with it. Yes, I wish I had never been in the position to make that choice, but it was the right one at that time.

Please be gentle on yourself.

I was the same Change pro-choice for other people but pro-life for myself. But when you find yourself in that postion you end up doing something you never thought you would be capable of doing.

I am kicking myself that I even got in to that position in the first place. It was totally avoidable. I didn't want to make the decision. But I do still believe I made the right one for many reasons.

Topaz, I am so sorry that this is so hard for you.

For me: no stigma. You talk of being changed forever. I do not view you any differently because you are a woman who ended a pregnancy. It causes me not a ripple of judgement or supposition about your life, your character. The vast majority of people will have no more feelings about you being a woman who happens to have had a termination (like 1 in 3 women, me included) beyond concern for you and your upset.

Try not to cast yourself permanently in any role. You are upset and grieving NOW. That is serious, and you need to take care of yourself and know that we care about you. But you don’t know how you might feel in a year’s time, and you owe it to your future self to cast your future self as someone who carries a burden.

You deserve, yes deserve, a future which is positive, and confident and full of self love.

I wish you well and a one-day-at-a-time recovery that continues until you are fully recovered.

Thanks Division. Your message is very helpful.
I'm trying not to think ahead but I can't help it. Things such as the due date, first Christmas, first day at school. All these things that won't happen because of ME. Even my partner doesn't carry that burden because at least he didn't take those pills.

Please can someone reassure me that my reasons for having the abortion were sound reasons? They were to me at the time but now I am doubting myself.

Your reasoning was sound. No-one makes that decision on a whim. It's very easy to look back and judge yourself. You made the best decision for you at that time.

Those firsts are hard, yes. But the pain does lessen over time. You talked about being changed forever as a person. Yes, I'd agree with that, but not in the way I thought at the worst of times. I became someone who was able to see different points of view (in lots of areas not just abortion), to be able to empathise more, to understand loss, to help others

Tpoaz, your reasons were very sound.

I am assuming that the pregnancy was unplanned.

That is...you didn't actively invite a pregnancy into your life. But for an accident there wouldn't have been an embryo at all. I feel for you now because your distress is almost tangible through the screen. But you look at 'what might have been' through rose tinted spectacles.
What might have been is that you became desperate, depressed and resentful of your children. Resent and regret a fourth. Stretched mental health and reduced capacity to look after any of your children properly.

Children deserve to be wanted, and supported.

You terminated a pregnancy. In my view, though I know this is not shared by many, you terminated a pregnancy before there was a baby.

You showed loyalty to your dearly loved children.

That is what parents do.

I am sorry things are so, so tough for you. Your H is behaving VERY badly. Be careful you don't divert your feelings and upset about him into your own distress and grief.

Your reasons were very sound.

It may be that had you had pre-counselling you would still have made the same decision (since it was a sound one) , but you would have had the re-assurance that you had allowed yourself to make the decision. Given yourself permission to make that decision. That's what may be missing.

Oh no, it most definitely wasn't planned.
Our family was complete as far as we were concerned, so had no plans on having any more. I am happy as punch with my 3 and there were absolutely no thoughts of having any more children.
Now I'm sat here wondering what on earth I have done to deserve this mess I am in! I aborted the baby now I'm grieving the baby.

My heart really is aching 😢 I look at my 3 and they are such happy little things and I feel so guilty about not giving this one a chance to be like that too. Every time I think about it it's like being punched in the heart. And my problem is that I can't stop thinking about it.

...and then think about how potentially pissed off they would be at having to share you with another sibling. Mine are a bit older, but they are definitely of the viewpoint that 3 is the absolute limit, and so am I. Realistically you are highly likely to be a single parent in the future Topaz. I promise you, that you will feel more certain you made the right decision if/when it comes to that. With 3 all in school for several years, it was a major decision to get a non demanding pet, as I felt I struggle to just look after the kids! It's hard enough being single mum of 3 and the guilt about not being able to do the things I would have been able to do with either another adult, or one less child. Your kids are happy with you and the 3 of them and you've preserved their happy state. 4 and not only do you risk rocking the boat, but the govt wouldn't fund that extra child as a lone parent. Kids are cheap when they are young. 4 as a single parent and your family's quality of life would take a sharp nosedive- maintenance if you separate is calculated only up to 3 kids, and the govt only give benefits for 2 children these days. When kids get older they are expensive- I spent £400 just on the very minimum secondary school uniform/equipment (excluding coat) for my eldest son in sept, and he already needs new school shoes (approx £50), football boots (£30+) and school trainers (£30), then needs new shoes for outside school too, and I need to get him a coat (£40+) and oh look it's Christmas! And that's one child! I love all my children, and really wanted 3, but I feel guilty that I think life would be a lot more manageable if I'd stopped at 2. You are hurting, but really, honestly, it was the best, most sensible decision to make. Already things aren't going to be easy going forwards, and you have a tough time ahead. With another child your family would find it much more difficult, not less.

dangermouse That all makes so much sense!

sundaysurfer What's with all the mn emojis?